No doubt some hint had made an attempt to garner my attention long before that day I heard the words escaping from my mouth and leaving a battery acid taste on my tongue , but that did not stop the long parade of colorful words; sufficient to bring back to life ,the paint of an antique horse carousel.
By the time I began to wind down and run out of expletives , I was exhausted from the sheer weight. attached to each and every word - in servile ******* -charged with the responsibility of holding back those once set free; only to be snatched back just before emerging into reality. Most ,fighting and kicking as they were dragged down deep into the dungeons of my soul ,chained to enough weight for keeping in place what I know I could never erase , languishing there until the immediate splice of time when they were reattached , becoming colorful additions to the passing parade. Leaving that acid taste on my tongue.
If that taste and a bit of exhaustion - related to having each word reinstated-
was the cost of each having now been tossed into the center of the ring , from my weary ,dreary persona. ; having become uninspired and tired from so long mired in the quicksand of the hopeful - is the cost then I am gladly willing to pay. --if for nothing else - to see what they will say.
Across the room - just outside the ring- my opponent , placid as a painted wall unmoved ,staring in bemused acceptance , ignoring or unable to comprehend the enormity of the moment ,as if to prove some subjective superiority says.....
"Wow... Do you feel better now?"
Right then I said; never again ...right then I told myself ...will I be pulled down to drown in emotional hopelessness , or weighed down by bound words that should have been released . Never again putting myself second in a one-person race , so I shook it off ,spat out that bitter taste - then I packed up everything I could find that was' The Me That I Used to Be "
Walking out the door (forever) I turned my head and said
" I DO NOW"