I've got a monster under my bed
He tells me his name is Regret
The monster in my closet
Calls himself Jealousy
The monster behind my mirror
Well, I suppose that's just me.

Hi, I'm your happy ******
Have you got some *****
Before we get started
Let's go over the rules
First, you can't put ANYTHING close to my ***
Also, I'm disgusted by the taste of ***
Plus, I refuse to put my face close to near your crotch
And please don't touch my breast
My **** surgery was botched
Pay no attention to that oozing sore, or maybe two
And when were all done, I'll probably rob you
But I'm your happy ******
Are you ready for some fun?

What else but a heart can be broken and still work
What else but a heart can fixate on a total ****
What else but a heart can fill your whole body with the tingles
What else but a heart can fill a bar with lonely singles
What else but a heart can make you sign a life-contract
What else but a heart can make you want to take it back
What else but a heart grows when you give it away
What else but a heart can cause the elderly to play
What else but a heart can bring down a successful king
What else but a heart can make your whole body sing
Hearts.....they are schizophrenic

The worst thing about being molested as a child (for me)
Was that my body did what it should
So, as that creep was touching me
I thought "wow, this feels really good"
As I got older, and realized the crime
I blamed myself for it
It took a lot of time
But after all these years, I am finally free
I have since accepted
The criminal was not me

In my witchy mind
I believe in the power of thought
When I'm thinking of someone
The thread between us connects
And they begin thinking of me
Well boy, you must be tripping over string

I was looking through some comments, and my thumb went over the "thumbs down" button, just before I lost my **** place.  I tried finding it, so I could take it back, or at least explain, but it is totally lost!  Anyways, I'm really sorry.  That was an accident.

I think maybe I might just be
Too **** happy
I mean, considering my mom beat the **** out of me most of my childhood, until she died of an overdose
And my grandparents' next door neighbor, who took advantage of me when I was pre-school age
Or, my teenage pregnancy
Or maybe my daughter who died, when I was 23.  
My stroke, in which I almost died, but not before I went crazy
Putting it all on Facebook, publicly
The year I spent recovering in the nursing home....
But I'm just too **** happy to be a serious poet.
(Sometimes I get ****** listening to people complain about How ******* tough their life is)

I've got a huge crush on you
Though I'd never tell you so
I keep it a secret
But I'm pretty sure you know
No surprise it's called a "crush"
Heart so tight, that **** rush
Floating, flying, laced with glee
Boy, the things you do to me
The emotional extremes!
I will see you in my dreams

Wherever you go
There you are
Right there with yourself
Be kind to you
Whatever you do
You are your companion
Refuse to make this journey
With a ****** companion
Treat yourself kindly
Wine thee and dine thee
Smile a lot, and say
No matter what I'm doing
It's gonna be a ****** good day
You are the boss of your own mind
So whatever you do, please be kind

I followed a poet
But her views seemed to shift
We had nothing in common
And I felt the rift
Whenever I saw her poetry
I thought "other people will look at me
And see, I've followed this nutty freak"
I wasn't sure what to do
I didn't want her to get a notice
KRISTA HAS UNFOLLOWED YOU

Back in the day, we roasted people
All you wee knuckleheads need to know
That talking a little crap
Shouldn't be enough to make you snap

They've been newly put
On the endangered species list
They used to be quite plentiful
But soon, they'll be sorely missed
If you happen to see one
Please share, so all may know it
The very nearly extinct
The contented, happy poet
(Company loves misery)

I am offended at how often you take offense
To the truth told to you without stroking your hair
And offering an apology
I find it offensive that you get so upset with me
Any time I tell you I disagree
The state of offense you're in constantly
Is not offensive to only me
None of us want to walk always on eggshells
I think you should be offended
With your own **** self

This is my poem
Right here
These three lines

BUT.....(In faint writing that I can't figure out how to use)
The author holds all ownership of this poem. And no responsibilities, of course.  But if anyone recreates or copies any part of this poem, you're gonna be in BIG trouble.  Seriously!  Don't try me, because I will bring the hellfire of the whole copyright laws right down on your sorry head.  I know my poem was only three lines, but I'm adding this twelve paragraph disclaimer so you know I am a serious author...you know, the kind someone will certainly plagiarize unless I add this very, very, very long disclaimer.  I'm not sure if it is actually effective to do this, but it seems official, and makes me feel like a real writer.  By the way, I'm plagiarizing this disclaimer.

It is not fatal
But no one has ever been cured
Doctors have tried
But they are not able
To put a stop to the absurd

As I was people watching
Which I like to do
A girl and two guys
Came into my view
She was wearing daisy dukes
And a bomber jacket too
I thought, how can you be ****
When your legs have turned bright blue?

She was clearly the outcast
In her sorry, backwards town
Any time she got up
They would try to bring her down
People always throwing rocks
And giving her a hassle
They figured out too late
She used stone to build her castle

So many, many people work so hard to buy it all
I'm still waiting for the day I see a hearse followed by a Uhaul.

I've sung so many happy songs
And danced barefoot upon the grass
I've washed hundreds of dishes, and cleaned up this mess
And not one woodland creature has made me my dress!

A poem is an end and beginning
Unto itself
With everything in between
Don't be like the poet who must explain in light gray letters
What he or she did mean

You can't blame that guy because he doesn't love you anymore
He wasn't an ******* just two days before
But now that he's told you he's all done with you
He's suddenly turned to a devilish brute
That's the thing about being victim of the break
All the things that you loved, are now reason to hate

You can spend a hundred dollars
On some ride on toy, or *****
Don't forget the Legos
Matchbox cars, or all the dolls
How about Nerf guns, or a play house with three walls
Buy those kids hundreds worth of trinkets and of baubles
But the the toy they'll love playing with the most
Is the 50 cent bottle of bubbles

If you tell yourself you're not good enough
You guarantee you will be right

The fadness of sadness
A ****** throughout the town
All the youngsters are vying
On who can best breakdown
The most original diagnosis
And don't forget, the best drugs
Alas, now it's popular to be
Mentally compable to slugs

He was A great guy
And pretty cute
We flirted back and forth
After a while, we wound up in bed
And he went for all he was worth
Unfortunately it didn't last long
I didn't expect the whole playlist
But at least, please finish the song

I think we can all agree
One who says " if you say that I'm gonna hit you"
Well that's a big bully
But what of the one who says
"If you say that, I'm gonna act like you hit me."
That, my friends, is the backwards bully
The method may be different
The effect similar
Both prevent you from saying your words

This will be wildly unpopular
But I'm prepared to take the heat
Someone's gotta say it
And get right to the meat
I've noticed someone who is depressed only talks about themself
And perhaps they'd be much happier if they concentrated on someone else
But the problem is,
It's become practically a crime
To hurt someone's feelings
If they cry all the time
I don't pretend to understand
Or even really care
But if you stay stuck in your own  ego
You'll find little happiness there

I tried to open a business
It turned into a big flop
Apparently it turns out
You need a bathroom in a coffee shop

My muse is Dr. Seuss
I could try to live up
But it's no use
I think he'd be ok with it, though

I'm starting to think Hillary would be president if she had cried
Maybe the problem wasn't that she was a girl
But that she was too much of a guy

I'm a knuckle *******
Know when to shut my mouth lacker
Wish I had a ***** packer
Love me a ****-smacker
Driving range golf ball wacker
Right of the little guy backer
Skin like a saltine *******
The Mack daddy mack of macker
And a surprise pinch-hitter X factor

Please try to refrain
Placing all that blame
Your faults and failures are all your own
Last time I checked, you were grown
There is somebody
Responsible for your misery
Namely you, baby
I don't want to be a mean witch
But truth, just like karma
Can be a real *****

They never seem to happen
Unless you're not alone
And when they come all you can do
Is roll your eyes and groan
Their timing is always horrible
A lasting memory they impart
Yes, of course I'm talking
About the ****** ****

This is less a poem
And more an observation
But
Whoever decided to call it a "******"
Deserves a standing ovation

Prostitution is illegal
I'm not sure that makes any sense
First it is her own body
And how could it be a crime
To charge for what you can give away for free?

I'm not sure there's much of a difference
Between chaos and love
They say one comes from Hell
The other, from up above
I'm not sure I agree
With all that love can bring
I am quite convinced
The two are the same thing

I don't want to be a doubting Thomas
Cuz we all hate that guy
But I'm quite sure
Love is nothing like
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie

I tend to keep my poems quite short
But it seems they're not well-liked
It took some time before I realized
Poems are like penises
The favorites are all bigger-sized

I auditioned for America's Next Top Model
They took one peek, and said, "Thanks, but goodbye, *****"
Nobody seems to care that they discriminate, based on looks.

I wanted to say something
To embarrass my kids, and to  pass the ball
But as it turns out
They're embarrassed by me
When I say nothing, at all

I'm your upstairs neighbor
You know, the tap dancer wearing clogs
I just came down to apologize
For my pack of huge-pooping dogs
I've tried and tried to train them
To use their doggie pottie
But no matter what I do
They just won't listen to me

Awkward is such an awkward word
I applaud whoever named it
She probably also came up with *****, ****, and dangnabbit

I think men should start wiping after they ***
I could be wrong; maybe it's me
But I can't help but notice
No matter how much they wiggle and dance
Guys always come out of the bathroom
With a few drips on their pants

We may finally get it
Though it may be to late
We should all accept
The opposite of "gay"
Is not "straight"

Someone called the cops on Santa
They caught him red-mitten handed
The suspicious property owners
Called as soon as his sleigh landed
They chose not to press charges
So they wouldn't ruin Christmas
I'm pretty sure that next year
They'll be on the "naughty" list

We keep taking this Earth
For all she's worth
Pretty continuously
What if our Maker
Didn't intend it a gift
But a responsibility?

We elected a president
Who screamed "make America great again"
Maybe it's just me, and of course, I am too late
But why would we elect a leader
Who doesn't think we're great?

He's got a bunch of other  interests
He keeps on the side
But according to her logic
He cares, because he lied
If he didn't love her
He'd shove it in her face
And she's just so **** happy
She's "winning" in first place

What happens to a poem translated
It will lose it's rhyme
Luckily emotions translate
Perfect every time
Feelings are universal
Anger is the same
And love is still love
By any other name

I write my haiku
Thinking maybe it will do
But I hate counting