I remember how you looked that night.
We ate McDonalds,
you hate McDonalds.
And you played in the play place with me.
We laid in the tube,
just staring.
Wanting.
And I ached to close the distance between
Our bodies and stay that way forever.
Then we decided it smelled like ****,
so maybe we should go.
I drove us to the parking lot
where we spent so much time
*******, holding, sweating, laughing,
listening to Jack Johnson.
On the look out for cops.
Just two kids trying to love
without consequence.  
I should have known then.
And I decided at that moment,
that I loved you still.
Despite everything.
Your drunken stupidity
your ******* *****
     You stole for her.
And I took you to her house
     where you would
     have *** with her
     and I would drive
     away crying.
I loved you still.
In that eternal moment, I knew
I would always forgive you.
The kiss that led to disaster.
A plane crash in the making.
But at least it was beautiful at the time.
Time waited for us, only that once.
We got out of the car and you told me
to meet you in the middle of the pond.
It’s frozen.
No no, I protested.
It’s dangerous,
It’s dangerous.
And I was right.
Out you slid
Large gashes in the snow covered ice
as you slid gracefully.
Or maybe it wasn’t so graceful after all,
But that’s what I liked about you.
I followed you to the center
you held my hand
and we skated for hours.
I never let go—
     If I was going down,
     I was taking you with me.
You were the only one who could
     ever save me anyway.
Then we walked down the path,
towards the place where it all began.
That place still creates an emptiness
in me every time I pass
without you.
Still hand in hand,
we danced under the
biggest snowflakes I have ever seen.
The heavens were falling down around us it seemed,
or perhaps we were finally leaving that
hell hole of a town.
Finally going somewhere where
we could just be alone.
Alone at last.
Laughing as we caught
them on our tongues.
I told you I would love you forever
and I wish it was lie.
Maybe you even said the same to me.
Your words fade as the
time passes,
the bitterness grows.
My mind can never agree
with my heart
on the subject of you.
But back to the story—
It felt
felt very real
at the time.
And if I could stay in that moment,
I probably would.
For in that moment,
it was us at our best.
You. With me.
But all things must come to an end.
And though the image of
you spinning
me laughing
at you trying to
eat snowflakes,
will be mine forever.
I felt it at that moment.
Maybe that was a sign that I knew
you would be mine to miss
one day.
Alas, we decided it was getting late,
we had only told your mother
we were getting McDonalds.
But I’m pretty sure we ****** again.
Adding to our pile of condoms
littering the school grounds.
It was a point of pride.
Still don’t know how we
never got caught.
We returned to your house
to watch animal planet.
And for that night,
all was right in my universe.
And now,
as the years go by,
you slowly fade.
Your voice
Your laugh
Your love
Your smile
Your face
Who you were.
Alien.
Something cold and unfamiliar.
Uncomfortable. Awkward.
Rude. Judgmental.
I hold on to those moments
of the real you.
The you that was mine for a short while.
As I try to let the stranger
you have become
slip away,
those moments remind me
of what it is to be alone.
Perhaps not all is lost,
because they give me
that overwhelming
out of control feeling
of finally knowing everything.
That everything is ******,
but it’s ok.
As long as we kept spinning
in the snow.

Sometimes I wake up
in the middle of the night
surrounded by monsters.
Naked and twisted
like a dancer;
they are coming for me.
Lurking in the corners
creeping up the bed
clawing at the sheets.
They want to consume
my soul.
But I laugh,
a crazed choke of a sound.
The joke’s on them,
they don’t know
that it was stolen
long ago.
Foolish monsters,
I am one of you.

I remember how shy I felt
when I admitted one day that if I was about to die--
let’s say in a plane crash, that’s how it always plays out in my head--
And I could call one person, only one, it would be you.
Because it is to you that I owed my last words.
A lifetime of memories to recall,
but nothing mattered until you.
So who else was there?
I remember saying that in all honesty,
I didn’t think I could depend on anyone else to answer the phone.
Too busy.  Work sleep kids errands.  
Not my blood, not my friends.  You.
And as the wind blows, people scream, seat shakes
I would only say, “I love you.”

It was the meaning of my life
through brand new eyes.

…It remained so for a very long time.
Long after you were gone.
Then one day I cried
I realized I had no one to call.
Ring ring.  Voicemail again.

Oh, what I would give…
To call you right now
And rest assured that you would answer.
No—more than that
That you would talk to me
For hours and hours
The way we used to
And just laugh with me
For a while


But I know better

…maybe I’ll call anyway.
I always do.

I watched you lying there
blinking and moving slowly—
like someone only just stirring from a pleasant dream
you looked at me, peaceful as always
I asked
                (who? I do not know; but I asked,)
“She’s really dead, isn’t she?”
the devastation ringing clearly in my words,
yet there was a calmness surrounding it all
perhaps disconnected, but at least my voice stayed steady.
I walked to you
and embraced you.
you squeezed me back
your arms were cold
a natural cold, not the cold I felt on that day.
we just sat there.  still hugging.
stretching the moment as long as the universe would allow us
as I squeezed you closer, you let out a small burp
it was so you, I couldn’t help but smile
the small sound left an aching that echoed
through my entire being
I held you close and spoke softly, but with an unfamiliar intensity
into your ear,
“I love you
                                so
                                                much,
                                                                Allie.”
and with that I released you
I felt you fade away
slipping out of my grasp
and at that moment,
I awoke with tears quietly streaming down my face
at the realization that I will never again
be able to touch you,
or see your smiling face
without the help of my weak, imperfect memory
because you are gone from me,
gone from everything.

I don't think I can love you, but I
could never let you go.
Tonight I shook at the thought.
The thought of you being gone--out of
my life once again.
I swear my body rejected the very idea.
But why?  Is it love?  I know better.
It's a need.  
I need you to be stuck here with me,
I need that rush you give me each time.

So no, I don't think I could love you
anymore than I love myself.
And I don't think I've changed one bit.
And I will do it all again.
But most importantly,
I can not leave you alone.