Am I the last person to find out
About this format?
I don't like it.
Can't figure it out.
Probably won't use it.


See ya HP!

Teased and taunted
Forever haunted
A breath or two
From black to blue

One cut up girl
Against the world
Holes in her chest
Soak up the mess

Her eyes grow cold
Her soul's been sold
She's left shattered
Broken and battered

I overdose
In those bright blue eyes
Every night
I'll drown in your ******* veins
If only you let me

Black tar cannot compare
To the plague caused by
The taste of your name
On my tongue
The scent of your breath
In my blood
It's hell laced with love
And I just can't ever
Get enough.

If you
Ever get angry
For no reason at all
I will hold you
Tight
Until
The rage subsides

And if you
Feel sad sometimes
I promise
To bake your favorite
Chocolate chip cookies
From scratch
And I will even
Let you
Lick the spoon

And if you
Work 'til your bones
Creak with age
I will kiss your wounds
Inch by inch
Until you feel
Whole again





And if you
Tell me you
Really love me
And your words
Sound
Genuine enough

Well,
I just might
Spend the rest
Of our lives
Trying to understand

Why.

Glossy eyes blinking
Empty mind spinning
Day in and day out
The clock ticks away at my skin
Shaving off one breath at a time

One less moment spent
In this shell, this body
Is this my face?
Am I defined by these features?

Doe eyes that deceive
Liquid gold swirling around black centers
Hypnotizing the weak
Snake hair strands that
Freeze strangers to stone

Pale white skin, fragile paper
Without scars, untouched
No finger shaped bruises that
Match a hand like a well
Measured glove

Soft skin, straight nose
All two-hundred and six
Bones of me
Strung together as a reflection
Of my soul

Am I this person? This body?
This life? These words?
Am I my bad habits or
My horrible intentions?
Am I my friends or
My family?

Is there a difference
Between
Independence
And lonliness?

Am I simply a series
Of thoughts and
Feelings
Following one another
To create a person,
A life?

Didn't I come here
For something more?

I could scream at the
Empty sky for
Hours upon hours
Begging for answers

But there will be none
There is only solace
In the puff, the hit, the needle,
The snort, the swallow, the breath

Take me out
Take me away
Take me into the sky
I want to be just as
Empty
As everybody else

I'm angry

Seriously, ******

Because people rake up leaves
Like they can
Control nature

Because in the third grade you
Pushed me down
Instead of helping me up

Because I never forgot
The day you
Apologized to me
And you can't even remember
Last Tuesday

Because Sarah Lynn
Isn't even my
Real name

Because I had to feed
Myself at the age of
Five
And I was raised by
A *******
Television screen

Because I thought the
Drugs could somehow
Fix everything
For me
And they just made
It worse

Because everyone thinks
I'm a lesbian
Simply because I've never
Had a serious boyfriend
But how could I
Tell them
That I never loved
Another
After you...

Because I step on the cracks
Praying I break
Her back

Because all of those
Songs
That I can relate to
Weren't really
Sung about me

Because when you
Finally
Told me how you felt
I pretended
That I was just
Sleeping

Because everyone
Turns the other
Cheek
When they see me
Crumble

Because no one
Will ever read these
Words and
Understand completely
Where I'm coming from

Because I feel like
I think too fast
And I know too much
And I'm too overwhelmed
To ever truly experience
Happiness

Because I'm the only
Person in my life
That I can
Trust
With anything
Serious

I'm angry
Because...

Because when he smiles
At me
My heart melts
And there's nothing
I can do about it
Because he's
Dead

I spent my entire childhood
Wishing I was older
I was under the mistaken impression
That older somehow
Equated to better

And then one day
I was older
And all my quirks
Turned into labels
That one day
Turned into
Prescriptions

And all my rebellion
Turned into addiction
And all my imagination
Turned into heartache
And all my dreams
Turned into dust

And now I spend
My entire adulthood
Praying for a time machine
Or death.

Whichever comes first.

This feeling is new
And old, in a way
But I never realized until
Just now
Exactly, right now
In fact, you're still waiting
For an answer
To your question

My friend,
His name is __
(****, I already forgot)
He thinks you're
Cute, and wants
To know if you're
Single.
What do you
Say?

Oh, oh God,
What do I say?
How could I possibly
Explain that...
That until
Just now
I hadn't realized
How in love I am
With being

Forever
Alone?

That I don't
Want to coexist
With another
I don't know if
I could
If I would
If I should?

Doubts, fears
Nerves, jitters

What if he's
Ugly
(What if I'm
Shallow?)
What if he
Changes his
Mind when he
Sees me in
Life
And runs in the
Other direction?
(What if I
Run away first?)

What if my complete
Lack of self esteem
Seeps through my pores
Like the bleeding wound
Just under my
Rib cage?

What if...

Oh, oh my,
What if I never
Again
Let anyone in

After you
Barged out?

And how dare you
How dare you!
Try to play cupid
After you
Blew me apart
And smashed the
Pieces into the
Dirt

I feel betrayed
In a sick and
Twisted way

And still,
You're waiting for
An answer.

Well,
So am I...

I've lived inside of clouds
And gazed through the
Kaleidoscope of life.

I've danced with the wolves
Engraved in my head
And held your shaking hand
All through the night.

I've watched you skip along
The line between the living
And the unknown.

I've propped you up
Against the angry winds
And walked you home.

I've killed brain cells
To try and delete the memories
Erase my mind.

I've smoked up my lungs
And prayed for cancer
To eat me alive.

It's all about image
All about how tough I look
But I know I'm dying
Just like you.

And truth be told,
I kind of enjoy that
You're dying
On the inside too.

I sit and stare at your pictures
And the more I study them
The more I realize
How much they look nothing like you
At all
In my mind, you are…
Stunning
Courageous, wonderful
In my mind, you are everything
But in these photos,
The ones that have permanently
Adhered to my fingertips
You look so
Broken,
Fragile
As though I could rip you in half.

*So I did.

There are some nights where I barely sleep at all
I sit up in my sheets
Entwined in the heat
Listening intently to the chirps of birds
While they dream
And often, I wonder in the stillness
What an animal drowning in freedom
Has left to dream about?


And then there are some nights where I sleep for days
I lay very quiet in my sheets
Breathing in the heat
Dreaming up all the ways you left me for dead
While they danced
And often, I wonder in the stillness
What a person drowning in solitude
Has left to dream about?

I found an old poetry notebook of mine from my freshman year of high school and earlier. A lot of them are unfinished/short, so I figured it would be easier to just combine them all into one post. Enjoy =]
*

You may be a stranger,
But you have my soul resting in your eyes,
You may be gone,
But you've never left my miserable mind,
You may be over it all,
But I'm still stuck under you

__


Bittersweet poetry,
I just wish it wasn't me.

__


You're going to leave,
Well,
Where does that leave me?
I was happier before,
But,
Now I'm self destructive.
Please, just stay.
Oh,
I forgot about the pain.
I cause misery,
But,
That's why you loved me.

__


Dim lights,
Mismatched syllables,
I can't wait forever,
But still I sit,
Stewing in patience.

__


Those pale eyes once pierced through me
An angels gaze upon hell's horrors
A desperate plea to be divine
You could have anyone you wanted
Why me?

__


Those starless nights,
And cloudless skies,
A sea of darkened eyes,
I love only you,
After all we've been through,
Don't you feel it too?

___


I'm losing all interest,
In seeing the light of another day.
One quick selfish act,
And my pain just slips away.

Tonight is so stunning
That I can't bring myself to sleep
I simply cannot miss the
Complexities of the constellations
I cannot pass up the opportunity
To connect the swirling ***** of gas
Billions, trillions, zillions of miles away

And I feel that way everyone does
When they truly take the time
To stare up instead of down
I feel… minuscule.

Just a ******* Earth.
So small
A speck of dust in the tapestry of space and time
I embrace this moment
I hold it deep in my chest

Praying that prior to all 21 grams of me
Disappearing into the vast nothingness
That I remember this
This night, this exact second
I hope, wish, dream that this is what I'll hang on to.

This is what will get me through.
This is what will save my soul.
This. This night is everything I am.

But I know that isn't true.
I know that when I float up into…
Wherever…
That the only thing, the last thing
On my mind

Will be you.
And for that, I apologize
To the sky.

I was so broken
Back then
And the really interesting thing was
I thought I was hiding it
So well
But the truth of the matter
Rested in the fact that
My friends loved me too much
To point out
The cracks in my skin

They waited patiently
For me to heal
On my own
They sat in silence for years
Watching my insides
Rot out
But they never uttered a word

But, unknowingly
I assumed they simply
Did not care
About my mental health
Or my well being
I assumed
They didn't really know me
All that well
I figured
They never asked about
My broken soul
Because they didn't
Care enough
To see it


So tell me
Who put this noose
Around my throat?
Me?
For my silence
Fueled by shame

Or them?
For pretending not to see
How damaged I was?

Sure,
They saved me the embarrassment
Of pointing out my instability.

But I would have much rather
Had them save my life instead.

I have worked
My whole life to be
Someone different from
The woman in front of me

Pierced my bottom lip
And dyed my hair blue
Oh my God, Mother
I'd do anything not to be you

Don't get me wrong
I love you in my heart
But you make me so crazy
I don't even know where to start

I've never once heard you say
That you were proud
But you had no problem
Yelling Failure! at me so loud

My heart ached and a tear shed
All I ever wanted was approval
But in my head I knew
That you just wanted my removal

You pick and **** and pry
Sorting through my stuff
And then you sit and wonder
Why I always act so tough

I can't let you get to me
I can't let you penetrate the skin
I don't know what I would do
If you ever found a way in

I love you, I really do
But this relationship is a mess
You never tell me you care
Even when I'm at my best

It hurts to write this
It hurts to watch you lie
And when they say how sweet you are
All I can do is sigh

They don't know your inner layer
The devil dancing within
Oh dear mother
How I wish we weren't kin

But the part that really gets me
The part that eats me alive
Is that I will always be half of you
No matter how hard I try

Time lingers on
The seconds tick away
Leaves turn burgundy
My heart turns cold
And your face beams
Sunlight streams from your eyes
You are everything wonderful
About the world
Wrapped into one neat
Perfect little package
And I'm an eighteen year old boy
With the winning lottery ticket
In hand
I am blessed with youth
And with you.



And still I am wondering
How someone like you
Could see something wonderful
In someone like me
I'm wondering even more
How you could ever bare
To love me whole.

Let's get drunk,
And fall in love.

(Possibly in that order)

We will be together in the end,
Where the sea meets the shore,
And my heart will finally bend.
I just might love you, forevermore.




*
For Paul.
The only man that could teach me how to love.

The funny thing
About growing up was
I never realized
Just how happy I was
Until I became sad

I never realized
Just how loved I was
Until I was alone

I never realized how
Wonderful my parents were
Until I had none

I never realized
The bitter cold winters
Sweetened the sunlight

I never knew
How perfect we were together
Until you left me for dead

I never realized
A time would come
When an apology wouldn't be enough


I never knew.

I gave you the sky
And you flew away

I don't know
What I was expecting.

But it wasn't that.

I remember the dawns we would count
Like we were the only kids awake
In this whole ******* town

I remember the dirt in your eyes
The way you'd swear I was the only one
That ever made you cry

I remember her cut up sleeve
Her bleeding wrist, as I turned away
Weeks before, vowing to never leave

I remember the skin on your hands
Every crevice, every wound
Rougher than that of most mans

I remember the dimmest stars
As we laid in the parking lot
And you promised they were ours

I remember the pills you flushed
As you whispered in my ear
I only take them if I must

I remember her rule breaking skirts
The way you'd confide in me and say
She's pretty enough to take away the hurt

I remember smoking to dull the pain
And trying to escape myself
As the thoughts of you invaded my brain

I remember growing up together
And how you held my hand that morning
Assuring me it would last forever

I remember the days ticking by
Patiently waiting for you to show up
And finally admit you were mine

I remember you testing to see
If she would love you more
So you could just go on and forget me

I remember… every day
The nights I wish I could forget
The ****** up things you'd say

I remember moving on to another
The hypocritical jealousy in your eyes
Just let me be happy for once, you *******

Listen, I don't care what you believe in.
If you think fate exists or maybe everything is just completely random.
Regardless, one day, one specific moment in time will hit you like a train.
You'll question everything.
Your previous belief.
You'll think,'Wow, maybe it is all random..'
Or 'Wow, what are the ******* odds..
Maybe this fate stuff has some merit.'
And I think it's that moment that makes us human.
Knowing for a fact that as strong as our perspectives are, they still could be wrong.
We could be wrong, and we probably are.
I just think that maybe.. somehow.. maybe it could be both.
Chaotic and predetermined. Beautifully tragic. Painfully blissful.
And then I think maybe no one else really gives a ****,
And I probably shouldn't either.

I love you because sometimes
When I stare up at the sky
At night
And the stars shine down
And the moon always smiles back
I feel
Minuscule.
I feel
Insignificant.

I love you because
When I look at you
I never feel that way.

And I think that's reason enough
To hold your hand
For the rest of my life.

It's broken you know,
My heart, my life, my soul
I knew another
Could never love me
The way I loved you

But what are lovers long lost?
What are shadows in the dark?
What is it like
To dig a hole in the emptiness
Of yesterday?

You play me like a fiddle
And I let you
I let you
Pull me apart

Like it was nothing.

Well, maybe it is..
I'm hollow now
I gave you everything
But the skin off my back

And still you crave
Every inch of me
Until every breath
In my lungs
Once belonged to you

How can I ever be myself
If you caged me in hell?
How can I ever move on
With my veins knotted
Around yours?

How?

How can I ever get this bitter taste
Of loneliness out of my mouth
If you keep walking away?


I kissed the Devil's lips once
And he tasted sweeter than you.

We were just two kids with broken hearts
   Trying to piece together our lives
Sitting on the curb at the break of dawn
   Soaking up the blood in our eyes

How many times had I given up?
   How many times had you lied?
Honestly, at this point I've lost count
   But at least we can say we tried

You told me it's best to just move on
   And soar through the sky blind
Let the darkness surround me
   And explore the depths of my mind

I told you I'd already found another
   Who was nothing like your kind
He'd never rip my bones to shreds,
   Never drag a knife through my spine

And we were still watching the morning break
   With my head on your shoulder
I asked you just what went wrong
   You said our souls die as we get older

I stood up, nodding in agreement,
   Wishing the skies warmth was bolder
And you sat there watching me turn away
   Leaving your life that much colder

I never wanted to end up in a world where the only thing I ever really believed in was you.
But I guess things turn out the way they do regardless of how noble our intentions are.
And now you're with some girl who's name I can't bother to remember. And I don't know
What I've found, but I keep labeling it as love. All I know is he's not you. And his hands
Don't bruise my lungs the way yours did. And am I a ******* ******* if I miss it?
All I know is that his cigarettes don't taste like yours and his cologne is from a
Different box and I haven't heard his stories a thousand times. He hasn't
Hugged me in the snow or cried to me on the bathroom floor about
How large my heart was and how tiny his eyes were. All I know
Is that he's here and you're not and I'm not too sure how I
Feel about that. All I know is that I'm only this honest
When the sun is gone and I can't hide between
The cracks in my bones. The truth is I don't
Want you to be happy with her because
I'm too selfish for my own good. And
The truth is she won't love you
Nearly half as much as I could
And the truth is my virginity
Belonged to you but I let
Him steal it anyway
Because the truth
Is that you didn't
Deserve me
In the first
Place.

All I ever wanted was
another hit of you
just one last whiff of tragedy
the scent of my blood on your skin.

All I ever wanted was
proof you thought of me
when your mind went quiet
and the shadows ate your heart.

All I ever wanted was
every word you spoke
tattooed on my wrists
so I could finally **** us both
with one swift stroke.

I know that now it's far too late
For you to take me seriously
I'm sixteen glasses deep
Of that wine you recommended
That night you thought I wasn't
Even paying attention
I did that a lot you know,
Kept quiet in the serenity of your presence
I was always afraid
My words would cause you to
Vanish
Again

Anyway,
I never had the courage to say it,
I would just get so caught up in my head
But the words flow now
So effortlessly
I want you to know
It's true what they say
Ain't no rest
For the wicked


White Zinfandel,

I still have the headache.

I'm gonna start this day out right
I'm gonna fall in love
Fall in love with my life
And you can't stop me, no
You can't stop a heart from breaking
All the truth that you were shaking
And just how many lies
Does it take
For you to realize
I was never yours
In the first place

So stop pretending
Deflate that ego, boy
Our friendship is pending
Our whole lives are pending

But I'm gonna start this day out right
Because I'm fine, I'm just fine
And I'm gonna fall in love
Fall in love with my life

And you can't stop me, no
You can't stop my heart from beating
Can't stop my eyes from bleeding
And I can promise you this
I've never been better
I've never felt so fine
It really is for the better
I'm glad that you're not mine

Read it through again and tell me
*Do you still think I don't know how to lie?

I remember the first time I saw your collar bone
And you thought you looked so
**** fine
You thought you'd come a long way
You'd worked so hard
You even claimed
That you wanted to look good
For me

But I never really knew
What you meant by that
Because you always looked
Good to me
And I fell in love
With your body
Just the way it was
The day I first saw you

And I hated the way
You'd turn your face
When I'd whisper in the serenity
Of three a.m.
Just how truly beautiful
I knew you were

Didn't you own a mirror?

But now
I stare at your collar bone
And your hip bones
And I can't help thinking
One day soon
I'll see your rib cage
And all of the things
That remind me
Of how human we all really are

And how we're all just
Piles of muscles and bones
And how one day
One of us will die
Leaving the other behind
Broken and alone

And maybe you think
That's the most
Attractive version of yourself
That you could ever possibly be…

But to me you're just
Fading away
And pretty soon
I'll be left
Without someone to love.

They don't tell you that even sunlight
Can burn
After a while

They don't tell you that money
Isn't worth
The salt in your skin

They don't tell you
That words can ****
And looks can heal

They don't tell you that monsters
Are real
But so is magic

They don't tell you
Anything worth knowing

They don't tell you what to do
When your whole world
Comes crashing down
Torn apart at the seams
With no needle
No thread

They don't tell you
How to patch up your life

They don't tell you
That innocence can be stolen
And hearts can be purchased

They don't tell you
That the universe is just a phase.

They don't tell you that the moonlight
Is the only medicine
Worth taking.




                                                     ­                They don't.
                                                          ­           They don't tell you any of this.

                                                          ­           Because they don't know.

                                                          ­           No one told them,
                                                           ­                                                 Either.

I thought maybe
If I talked to you
Enough
Laughed with you
Enough
Maybe even
Loved you
Enough

That you'd one day
Find a way
To love me back

My mistake.

And the more you
Pushed away
The more I
Needed you
Close

When strangers speak
Of marriage
I still think of you
When lovers speak
Of nights on the lake
I still think of you
When shadows speak
Of the horrors within
I still think of you

And when the last pill
Slides down my throat
I still think of you
*To quicken my death

You drop the word
Forever
Like it's nothing

And I wonder
How many
Forever's
You've muttered
To all the girls
Before me

And I wonder
If forever
Is something I could
Really
Live to see

Perhaps forever
Is your way of saying
Please, my love,
Consider
Marrying me

Because to me
Forever
Is a promise
That few can really
Keep

And forever
Is a day
I never want to see

Because
I've been promised
Forever
A thousand times over

My ears, my heart
They're sick of
That word
Forever

Why don't you just
Love me today
And let forever
Speak for itself
For a change.

I should have ripped
The stars from his eyes
And tossed them back to the moon

I should have stitched
Our wrists together for eternity
So he could hold me in the dark

I should have listened
To all those slaughtered petals
Because in the end - he loved me not

I think maybe I'm too comfortable
In solitude
In fact, when others explain
The hell
Of solitary confinement
I honestly believe
It sounds like bliss


I never miss you when you're gone
I never miss you at night
I never imagine your hand in mine
I never, never yearn for you


I think it's because
Mainly
I don't know what it's like
To miss anyone
With the exception of
Myself

I just thought you should know that I can hear it in your voice.

The emptiness, the memories,

The thought of what-once-was.

I thought you should know that you're not fooling anyone anymore.

I thought you should know that

I know

You want to die.


I thought you should know that I don't miss you nearly as much as

I thought I did.

I thought you should know that my heart

Doesn't beat the same anymore.

I thought you should know that I gave up on love

The day you walked out.

I thought you should know that you never left my mind.


And I thought was happy the day you came back.

Again.


I thought you should know that

You attacked me like cancer.

And I hate it.

I hate that you're in my blood.

I hate that you're eating away at every inch of me.

I thought you should know that by hating you, in turn,

I've begun to hate myself.


I thought you should know that when they find me

On the bathroom floor,

You shouldn't act so surprised

When you discover it was your name

I carved into my arms.


I thought you should know you killed me first..

And I just cleaned up your mess

For the last time.

You smile

                            the way

                                                 pretty girls do

When they

                          realize

                        ­                        death      is




**Inevitable.

The really weird thing
About leaving you
Was

I still missed you

Every second
Of every day
I thought of you constantly

I'd wake up
And there you would be

I'd brush my teeth
And your eyes would be
In the mirror
Looking back at me

I'd forget my keys
And you'd remind me
Along the way

You were with me
Oh god,
You were with me so

I couldn't get you away from me
You were in my skin
Embedded in my organs

I walked away from you

But I still missed you
Oh god,
Did I miss you

I'd almost cracked
So many nights
Almost crawled right back
Into your
Track ridden arms

Almost.

I almost killed myself once too.
So what does that tell you
About all that ****
I almost do?

I left you
But I swear
You never left me


Not once.