I've got dead lines
thoughts that scare me half to death
lined with silver
strange to think that I'll be dead
lined with the years wrinkling my face and skin

I miss the buzz of staying up late
not being lonely
but unable to drift off to anything other than thoughts of you
when I woke up with a smile on hectic days
of 8AM classes and long work shifts
enough to know I'd get ten minutes in your company
hiding within your confidence
I miss knowing what it was like to be treasured
getting home late after hours on the couch
learning every ounce of you
captured in my memories
I've never smiled so much
as I did in those photos
where everywhere was ours
before custody battles for secret places
I consciously avoid
attitudes that I know are long forgotten
will I ever hold something tangible again?
instead of coffee thoughts with no one to share them with
breakfast in a corner booth, lunch and dinner too
in bed at a reasonable time
wasting hours on my phone
no new notifications, not from you
not from anyone
I'll just keep on scrolling
looking at new suggestions never willing to admit to desperation through the act of a leftward swipe.

I'm fighting with myself
chaos encompassing all those around
caught in my mess
who cares anyway
take a breath
and live
another day
or week
or month
replay the same mistakes I've made
maybe I'll start with a smile
perhaps a new approach
to these same problems
I find within myself
but that's just how it goes
and goes and goes and goes
all wrong
until it spins out of control
and I have new wreckage
with out of date technology and techniques to help out

She falls asleep
with make up pressed from eyes, and lips, and skin
transferring to a pillow
lashes upon her being
lacking its protectionist layer
file a lawsuit
missing it’s case
she didn't care

(How much can it hold?)
Lawyers won’t take
chances on a basket case
And parents follow suit
She only woke twice that night
In case you want to know
abstract dreamers can't take form
when visionaries lock them in silent nights
Suit yourselves

I am lying in my bed
Popcorn ceiling above my eyes
Sitting in on private thoughts
Not meant for me to know
And I feel pain and I feel heartbreak
Though none is for myself
I shouldn’t be here
in my room
Catching late night conversations
Shared between two who know love
I’ve never discovered
In two weeks they’ll never sleep alone
I guess I will
My role a witness
Present behind headphones
I dare not turn the music off

blood moon in the distance
drinking cider by the courthouse
blowing out the speakers and the candles
I wish it all away
with the autumn leaves
I leave in winter