I didn't realize it was possible to be present
sitting in front of you
and still miss everything
you shared with someone else
who held a formal title.
I self identified as the friend
but its hard to step into a role
when I had been mislabeled all along.

But I don't even know anymore,
am I filling holes in the walls
or painting white splotches on blue skies?
It's all subject to the opinions of passerby

I am the high school posters that hung on your wall
Becoming irrelevant with time
A girl of a different era
I can only hope that you hesitate when taking them down

Because it’s been months or years
since you or him
and I don’t know if there will ever be an us in my future
but the mechanical thunder of my air conditioning unit sparks up conversations with the air more efficiently than I can ever hope to develop such a skill in this life time
and that’s my reality when I wake up every morning dreading the day
things stop working out
and I finally listen to more than three artists and achieve
all of the hopes and aspirations
I’m capable of but haven’t conjured up in my mind to set my sights on and work towards with every sliver of my essence as I did with convincing someone else I’m worthy of not only their love but my own.

Another Saturday spent wallowing in self-pity or in other words
in an empty house
Viewing independent off-beats I know you wouldn’t recognize
and still
I watch the driveway counting headlights as cars pass
Would you hate me if I said I didn’t want to see any facing me?
I swear if we go bowling one more time I’ll lose my mind
Solitude as my surroundings
I’ll eat prepackedged desserts and drink too many sodas
I doubt you even know that
Chocolate ice cream messes with my stomach
Irrelevant, I’m sure
Why does it matter if I mow the lawn tomorrow instead of right now?
Hanging self imposed deadlines over my head will get you nowhere
But as you know, it’s just another weekend at the Johnson residence.

I can't get rid of anything.
books I'll never read borrowed from my sister
worn navy-blue middle school band t-shirts
grandmother's photo albums of adventures I look at once every half decade
a spider-man lamp I plugged in maybe once
three different digital cameras dating back before 2007
white rose, silver ribbon dried flower corsage from senior prom
two can openers... I can't explain this one
memory jar of trinkets and treasures collected in single digit years
ten scarves cluttering my wall that I will definitely wear "one day"
cleats for who knows what sport
the orange nev surfboard from my uncle. I don't know how to surf.
Marshmallow, the ratty threadbare cat with the pink velvet nose
quarter collection--why haven't I spent yet?
store bought seashells, metro cards, old medications, empty make-up bottles, broken jewelry and flats a half size too big
Baggage.