kaycog

kaycog Nov 2016

If I could be slightly more than I am now
If I could be more intelligent
If I could be more trusting
If I could be more forgiving
If I could be more caring
If I could be less self-centered
If I could stop comparing myself to the unattainable accomplishments of my sister
If I could let those who care about me get close
If I could be a little bit better at math
If I could commit
If I could be less dramatic
If I could be less emotional
If I could stop pushing everyone away
If I could fix myself
If I could stop writing everyone off
If I could keep friends for longer than a few years
If I could be just a little bit better

(If I loved myself a little bit more)

kaycog Nov 2016

Looking over the edge

Make it stop
Today was a good day
I feel happy
I keep telling myself
Don't let the emptiness creep back in
I'm supported, I'm loved
I know this
I feel it
But doubt is never ending
and I know it can come back
I don't want it to
I'm okay now
I'm free
at least I thought that I was
and I'm scared
please don't leave me
I can't get close
I recoil
I pull back
It's what I do
But I don't want it to be like this
because as soon as I feel loved and content
I remember that I can loose it all
so its better not to risk it
But I want to
half the time at least
I'm scared
don't let me get dark again
I can't handle that anymore

kaycog Oct 2016

"This side of Never"

A pro football player spoke today
you've heard of him, I'm sure

he spoke with words welded well together
and he said,

"my daughter's on the opposite side of never"
he put thought into that word

never

as in,

never going to watch her face brighten

never going to hear her sing

never going to hug her close

never

So now his daughter is gone
and he's on the wrong side of *never

kaycog Oct 2016

This can't seriously be happening, can it?

I'm alright
Really, I'm surviving
But new perspectives have taken hold
Life is so different from before
And I want to keep up
It's all here
But it doesn't feel real
I'm holding my breath
Keeping my eyes shut tight
I'm not going to release that air
I'm not going to peek through an eye
I know but I haven't seemed to accept
That this is reality
So I won't let it fade by wasting it

kaycog Oct 2016

Sunny days.... go away

They took the fence down
And the grass is so so green
But no one goes beyond the boundary now gone
Some how the sky is so so blue
The sun shines just a little too bright
And clouds loom over my head
Hung above me
Highly strung
A bit more than perfect

My glare at the sky is deafening

kaycog Oct 2016

Let's play house

Eighteen.
She's legal.
High school's so five months ago
Slumber parties, gossip, college plans
This time last year
Setting up friends
With her future man to be
One year later they're engaged
Eighteen.
Legal.
Wedding plans.

I'm not behind, but she's milestones ahead

kaycog Oct 2016

I can be alone

oh how I seem to fall into patterns
I don't care for history
but I constantly repeat my mistakes
same meaning
different people
different words
same habit
my sick and twisted nature
I'm so good at hiding myself
and ripping others open
they don't know that I know
that its intentional
I'm aware
I know
and it hasn't changed