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Emily Dec 2014
I heard rumors and stories
but I thought that's all they were

I heard it from her

My stomach is in my feet
I can't breathe
My hands won't stop shaking
I feel sick

I swear someone must have socked me in the gut

Pouring salt on old wounds
On top of nostalgia of you

It's all so ridiculous
I'm going to give myself an ulcer
Merry Christmas
12:25:14 12:30 AM
1.1k · Jan 2014
Hematophobic
Emily Jan 2014
Blood dripped from my eyes like tears.
Maybe they were just tears.
It dripped from my mouth and I dug my nails into my palms, wishing it would stop.
Blood began to drip from my palms too.
Something stung my side.
I put my hand to it and pulled it away, now completely covered in red.
Although it was not exactly red.
It was dark, making the red more of a black maroon.
I was drowning in black maroon.
You'd think being covered in blood would be enough to wake me up completely.
But sadly it wasn't.
Laying in half-consciousness, my blanket slowly soaking in black maroon.
Tangling around my legs and around one of my arms, I couldn't get it off.
Suffocating in a wet blanket, crying with closed eyes, wanting to die.
I heard music.
A piano.
I didn't know who was playing, or why, or where.
I stopped struggling long enough to listen, it was happy and loud.
'What is there to be happy about?'
I wondered, no one is coming to save me.
I heard a little girl laughing.
"Play my favourite, James!"
She had an accent I couldn't identify, but her request changed the song.
The music stopped for a moment, then when it started again, it was soft and sweet.
But also sad.
I could feel the music creating cracks in my heart.
Someone was walking towards my room.
I turn so I'm laying on my other side, now facing the door.
A pool of black maroon was spreading on the floor.
My breath stopped as I froze.
No one could ever bleed that much.
The door began to open and she walked in.
She couldn't have been much older than I, tall and so thin I thought she would snap, she walked in with a grace and balance so fine it couldn't have been human.
Then I saw her hands.
Her palms were metal, shining in the light from the hall.
Her fingers each a long thin blade.
I felt my heart stop completely.
I looked up and wish I hadn't.
Her face was so sunken in you could see every bone, her eyes hollow shadows.
She was beautiful.
Until she lunged for me and I heard my own screaming echoing inside me as I sat up in bed.
I was shaken but standing.
But broke when I saw the right side of my face covered in dried black maroon, and the matching stain that covered half of my pillow.
This was only a dream I had, sorry if I freaked anyone out.
1.1k · Nov 2014
Monophobic and PTSD
Emily Nov 2014
We're sitting on this bed kind of thing in a train. You're propped up on some pillows, your hair's all messy, your ****** hair all grown out, you can barely keep yourself awake. You keep trying to play with my hair and you just end up rubbing my back, your eyelids drooping and your posture relaxing. You hold me leaning against your propped up legs, and you finally fall asleep.
I'm facing a wall and I have some chalk, you've been talking in your sleep and I've been drawing what you've said. You start speaking in iambic pentameter and I laugh to myself. The train rocks and you wake up, only to ask me what time it is and fall back asleep. My watch is in a language I don't understand, so I shrug and go back to the wall with what are now paints and a brush. You trail off into mumbles and I begin to hum. I've finished the picture on the wall with your words and you smile, the sun dancing on your face as the train tears through the countryside.
We go through a tunnel, a tunnel with windows. I flinch and feel dizzy, the tunnel and the train spinning. You're awake and you reach up to touch my lip, you pull your hand away, your fingers covered in blood. The train lurches and I give in to the gravity, head hitting the wall and blood splatters ruining your picture.
You whisper something to yourself, and get up, all exhaustion gone. Someone opens the door and fires a crossbow at everyone in the room. He gets to me and I look at him, the crossbow is empty, and something tells me it always was. A man comes up behind the assassin and asks, "All clear? What about that one?" Referring to me. The man replies, "She's already gone." For the first time, I didn't know what he meant. As they close the door the second man puts a hand to his ear, "All clear on level X." The door closes behind him, and I turn back to you. You had your hand on my shoulder and I had mine on your shin, but as I turn your grip slackens and you reach up to wipe away some of the blood from my face. You flinch at the cut in your chest, a cut that wasn't there before. I sit up and look around the room. All the white jumpsuits around me are stained red, covering people who aren't breathing anymore.
Now we're wearing white jumpsuits and yours is slowly changing to scarlet, coming from the **** in your chest. I start to feel lightheaded from smelling all this blood. I look back at you and your eyelids begin to flutter, you force them open and look into mine. Your thumb strokes my cheek and you say, "Save them," with all the pain of endless suffering in your voice. You finally give in to exhaustion, and from your injuries I'm sure you're dead. But your chest rises and falls slowly and you still shift in my direction, seeking comfort like a cold child cuddles his mother in her bed at night. I try and wake you, you don't budge. I hear yelling and rushed steps down the hall helping my panic set in. I shove your shoulder, call out, I don't want to hurt you but I won't face whatever the hell this is alone. You simply won't wake up. The door slams open and before I can turn around I feel a sharp pain and as I look down I notice something shiny and red is protruding from my chest. The pain returns as the tool disappears, only to be replaced with blood slowly turning my jumpsuit red. A voice behind me scolds, "I told you X was clear." Running footsteps grow faint in but a moment. My own eyelids flutter and I fall into your embrace, you shift, adjusting the comfort of your position. I hear sirens approaching the train, from where I'll never know. I awake in my bed, surrounded by blankets and a sharp pain in my back. And I can't find you anywhere.
My mom always told me if you tell someone the dream you had you won't have it again. So I'll write about my nightmares.
986 · Aug 2014
Athazagoraphobia
Emily Aug 2014
Walking down a hallway, I hear my name. No windows or doors, no distinction between floor and ceiling.
But my name.
Etched in the walls in every medium you could imagine: from pencil to pastel to acrylic to crayon. My name. All around me on these sullen walls, this repeated name over and over, all blue. So close in hue you almost couldn't see them. But you could, and as you read them they mocked you. As if they were saying,
'Why are you here..?'
The walls are closing in, this space is just too small. I don't know where to run, it's endless in every direction. I close my eyes and fall. In past dreams if you fall, you wake up before you meet the ground.  
I didn't wake up.
The pain comes immediately, skid marks down my legs and blood falling out the scrapes. Head pounding, shoulder throbbing, running down the street. I fell into this city and I'm looking for you. I know you're here because you're in love with this place. I know you're here because you're you. I know you're here because I know you.
I run.
My vision gets blurry and this city starts to spin. Pass one street and the next, and the next, and the next.. Finally a familiar place, I feel the rush of knowing you're near. I'm getting closer. You haven't talked to me in weeks, I haven't seen you in months, I feel something running down my face. Memories that hurt more than the injury. I see that house and those cars in the yard, run up the walk and open the door. I don't even make it past the threshold as my face hits the floor. Injuries from the fall finally became critical.
I wake up and I see a ceiling. A pale sickly white, the walls are the same color. Then the pain starts to come. Slow hurt in my face from falling and falling again, my arm throbs in a cast, and I look to my right to see a blood bag along with an IV. The blood makes me nauseous and I hear a noise to my left, a person. Someone gets up and holds my hand, looks at me with shining eyes and tear streaked cheeks. I wipe one away with my casted arm, sending shooting pain into my spine. This persons appearance is unfamiliar, but they show me love like I've never seen or experienced before, the look in their eyes tells me I'm everything to them. I look at those eyes, and memories come to surface. Laughter, comfort, love, hurt, reconciliation, happiness. There's pain in my back and I involuntarily flinch, breathing and hoping for the pain to go away. It gets worse as my lungs start to hurt, my heart beats faster as I realize I'm scared. I look back up to find you still won't take your eyes off mine, and I finally figure it out. It's you. You run out in search of a nurse before I can open my mouth, and as my eyes close darkness takes over and pulls me under.
When I woke up alone I was the one with the tear stained cheeks.
Emily Feb 2015
I had this story in my head
I had this story on my heart
Where you were with me
Even when it all fell apart

I couldn't picture you with anyone else
But Satan is sweet
Giving me memories that never happened
Like the remains of your kiss on my cheek

I told myself I didn't care anymore
Oh a long time ago
But whether this is real
Or a joke
I'm not laughing
I can't get you out of my head

See I had this image
Where we ruled the world
We were just, brave, and true
You were compassionate too
We raised the heirs to the throne
To be as such

One time I had a nightmare
The kind where you wake in a cold sweat
You were asking people to help however they could
You were getting married
To the loveliest of girls

You wouldn't look me in the eye
Not even when I cried
I woke to tears and shaking hands
I prayed that it would never happen again

I tell myself that all I want is your happiness
But then I turn and think that I'm the only one who will make you so content
I want to only think of you when I see you
But I can't get you out of my **** head

GET OUT

I want to sleep
I'm tired but now that I've opened these floodgates I don't know if I'll shut my eyes until dawn

I have pains in my stomach
I feel knives in my ribs

I want you to love me
But you can't if you never did

Take these thoughts from my head
Give them to her
She's done something to deserve them
She's not just a convenience
Like a mat on which mud is scraped from boots
She's in the right place at the right time to love you and to have you love her too

So now again I feel empty
When I told myself I never should
I feel like I've been used
Though you never touched me like the other boys would

My thoughts are muddled
Like the feelings in my chest
As I lay trying to sleep
One day may I find rest

Now I'll stop rhyming like an idiot
Climb out of the valley in my heart
Find a boy one day
Who has the guts to tell me whether or not he loved me from the start
2:16:15 10:46 PM
839 · Nov 2013
Siderodromophobia
Emily Nov 2013
I was sitting on a train and it was pitch black except for the occasional light we passed embedded in the tunnel. I don't know why we were in the tunnel. I don't know why I was in a train.
   I was with a man who was older, maybe early 60's, slightly frail looking with a beard and a bowler hat and cane that bled elegance. Although he was frail you could tell he used to be strong.
   A younger man stood to his left, a man that was the image of the older one in his youth. His son I guessed. Same hat, similar clothes, clean shaven and thin, but looking at him there was no doubt he was strong.
   Two children sat on either side of me, very small children. With the same blue eyes, the same golden curls, the same innocent faces. They were twins. A boy and a girl. They weren't completely identical, you could look into their eyes and see the differences inside, but their appearances were an exact match.
   Another woman was with us all, but I don't know exactly what she looked like. I don't know how I saw anyone else for that matter, the train was pitch black. But her name was Anna, and she must have been beautiful, because her voice sounded like music. When she spoke you wanted to smile, I wish I had seen her face.
  
   The train was moving fast. So fast you couldn't feel it. It moved like a ghost. Through that tunnel in the dark, we were just flying.
  
   I couldn't see very well, but sometimes I could see little lights in my eyes of names and things. Flashing in front of my eyes, sometimes. The people around me are tense. As if something's just happened that no one will explain to me.
   The woman walks to the back, calls the children to her with her angels voice and they run to her, giggling maniacally. I get a bad feeling but brush it off as I watch them run off in the dark...
   The two men start to argue in whispered tones. About something serious. I can't understand them but it makes me uneasy. I hear them both scuffling in the corner. But at this point I can't see a thing. I hear a bit of a struggle, and one of them starts to quietly sob. Just a bit of a whimper at first. But it starts to grow as he cries "You promised! You promised!!" I identify the voice as the younger man, and something inside me says that his fathers hands are closed around his sons neck and slowly tightening. But the boy simply continues to cry.
   The woman, Anna, stood at the back of the train in her torn dress and veil with dried blood still on her hands. How I knew this I'll never know, there hadn't been lights in the tunnel for miles. So in the midst of the father murdering his son, Anna began to sing. She sang a song in a language no one has ever heard before. She sang keys no one has ever sang, and she was at peace.
   The children were sitting on the ground, an equal distance away from Anna and the men. They were slouched against each other as they passed a bottle of pills and a bottle of some liquid to each other. I don't know what was in the bottle, or what kind of pills they had, but I could see the life draining from them. They knew they were killing themselves too, and they laughed about it.
   The twins were close to dead and Anna continued to sing. The father continued to tighten his grip around his sons throat, and you could hear the life leaving him. His cries became softer and softer. "You promised! You promised. You promised.." Until his last cry, followed by a mumbled apology, when his father sank to the floor, held his lifeless sons body in his arms, and wept.
   The twins have now stopped drinking and started crying, they cry to me. They scratch at my legs, pull at my clothes. "Help us.. Please... It hurts so much.. Please!!"
   I look up and see Anna with her arms raised to the sky her palms up and smiling as she sings louder and with all of her spirit in it. When I realize I see her.
   I turn back around to look out the front of the train to see another train like ours but headed right for us.
   I almost feel my back break as the trains collide head on and I jolt up in my bed.
This isn't exactly a poem more of a nightmare I had last night.
426 · May 2015
Untitled
Emily May 2015
she smells like sunflowers
tastes like fresh mint
the jungles in her eyes go on for miles

he looks like thunder
a storm that never quits
his voice puts goosebumps on your neck

her God gives her courage
puts the light in her eyes
He smiles and laughs as she sings
songs of praise
glorifying His beauty
He reigns over her world

his courage dwindles
his dark world absent of light
he cries as his mother screams
his father hurts her
hitting and drinking
is this the love of a father?

he sees her dancing
his heart cries out
for the love of a child of The Holy One

she sees him crying
her God has given her compassion
her heart cries out
for the boy who yearns

she goes to him
to show him the love she has been shown
all along
the love her God gave for her to give

he looks up
sees all the love in her eyes
hope rushes in
and he cries

she holds out her hand for him
He holds out His hand for him too
and he knows He will make everything alright
Emily Feb 2015
Compliment everyone that walks past you in the lonely hallways
2. Smile at everyone you pass in the crowded ones
3. Sit cross-legged even though you're wearing a skirt
4. Dance when you find yourself alone in class and you're waiting for the computer to load
5. Greet people you don't know
6. Wear that shirt that you love that everyone says makes you look fat
7. Wear converse with your dress
8. Wear your hair down no matter how bad you think it looks
9. Skip your homework and re-watch your favorite movie
10. Laugh it off when it stresses you out tomorrow
11. Cry at that sad part where you always try not to
12. Eat a bowl of ice cream even though it hurts your stomach
13. Go get an application at the place you never think would hire you
14. Sing in your car as loud as you can to that song you can hit all the notes on

15. Thank God for everyone you know whether or not you love them

16. Pray for their hearts
17. Pray they find Jesus if they haven't just yet
18. Pray that everything you did today brought glory to The King

19. Love everyone you meet every hour of every day
20. DON'T waste your time here
It's a gift that someone died to give you
1:10:15 1:45 pm
366 · Dec 2014
Haiku II
Emily Dec 2014
Tonight she said,
"Love doesn't die, but people do."

Then I realized
That nothing under the sun
Could take you from me

If the grave took you
I'd never stop loving you
Even if the grave

Took me
This isn't really a haiku
280 · Dec 2014
Untitled
Emily Dec 2014
"How great it would be,
If we knew everything."
Then there goes all of our splendid curiosity.
"How marvelous a thought,
That we could make things easier,
Have less work for our aching bodies to complete."

If I had a wish
I wish I never did need to sleep.
So that I may pleasure myself on this reality.

Furiously dig through my Bible with a shovel and a pick,
Looking for answers,
Information,
Signs,
Love and instruction.
For hours upon hours until I cannot tell what the month may be.

I long to paint as a dancer dances,
With the control of the mind,
The grace of the limbs,
The soul of the spirit.
To paint the creation my Creator has created.
To stare at scenes for days upon days in hopes that I might create something that resembles such beauty.

To sing as though the river of my voice will never run dry,
To sing until the world stops turning.

For now I'll study until I must stop,
Paint until I bore,
And sing until I fall asleep.
11:31:14  6:14 pm

— The End —