they giggled as i cried.
it was harmless tears.
everybody thought that
i was crying due to the
fact that animals were being
mauled right in front of me.
and yes, that is half true.
but, the real reason i started having a
panic attack was because i started thinking
and thinking and remembering things.
memories were brought back and
i just couldnt help but
put my head down and cry.
he told me that it was
going to be okay because
the animal was alive.
but, he didnt know why i
was crying. he didnt know
that i was being reminded of
the mistakes ive made and
why i will never ever be good
enough.

how do i tell someone that
i feel so useless?
im not sure.

i used to hate sundays,
but sometimes you hold
my hands in the pews
at church and i think that
i've been saved in more
ways than one

I'm going to stop pretending
That we had something in common
Other than music
And the pool
And our mutual gay friend
Who may one day be
The ruler of the carne asadas
You were my escape once
But no more
I used you, and I admit that
I'm so sorry I did
But I never lied to you
I wanted you near me
I still do
That's what's going to make this
So much more difficult on us
I just want to backtrack
To you and I
Being bus buddies
And hanging out
Before we had the added stress
Of dating
And kissing
Or in my case, attempting to kiss
And failing miserably
And hoping your parents would
Open the door to interrupt us
I want the us before all that
The us before the us
When it was just you and I
Separate but together
Instead of
Together but separate

Her lips parted as a plume of smoke billowed forth.

I watched her with a schoolboy's curiosity quietly intent on her next decisive action.

The embroidered waves of her sweater swelled forth and brought out the voluptuousness of her round figure.

As the cigarette dangled from her slim yet virginal fingers

she closed her eyes.

They say if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything. But I've run out of nice things to say to you. It's time for me to stop lying and pretending and start being real. And that might mean I'm not always nice. It's my turn. After all of this, I deserve to be selfish for a moment and let all of this off my chest.

I loved you. I have for years, and I'm afraid I always will. Your first love just isn't something that goes away. But you lied and manipulated, and played all kinds of games. And I'm saying no. I can finally say no. I can't put myself through it anymore, and I shouldn't have to. It's not fair. Everything isn't just about you. Your actions affect those that are around you, and I can't take it any longer. I'm not going to be your way out, and I'm not going to let you use me. Find someone else.