It's been a while,
since I've thought about killing myself.
Almost a year probably...
Today though,
I was awoken to my mother yelling at me for taking off a ring,
and leaving it at my grandmothers.
This ring may or may not be lost now.
And now I am sure I have lost another ring for the exact same reason.
Because of the shower and a dislike for wearing jewelry in the shower.
I also don't like cleaning my room.
It's a pain.
It's my space.
Let it be a wreck.
I did do the few things in college I said I would never do.
I slacked off. I goofed off. I messed up.
So my mother took her anger and just spewed everything she thought of me.
I'm not saying she's not a fit mother.
But,
It changes things when you know how people see you.
Selfish.
Slob.
Narcissistic.
Most everything else, implied.
Those words, are quotes.

Though at the end, I woke up searching for lost items.
Realizing found attributes, that I would have never put together.
My messy room is a direct relationship to my own self worth.
"Slobbish" attributes mean that you think low of yourself, and are selfish.
So all you teenage boys, sorry to think you're self worth is low as well.
Forgetting a ring and not rushing to get it because you just felt it would be safe.
Selfish.
Selfish.
That one I still don't understand.
She kept asking, why I took it off.
And I always take it off when I get ready.
So if you ever take off an important ring for any reason, and leave it somewhere,
thinking it will be safe.
Selfish.

And because I'm a dramatic one,
once my mother left for the day.
I thought
If I'm so selfish, I'll just **** myself
If I'm so selfish, I can just die.
Because at the end of the day, suicided is the most selfish act you can commit.

I'm not saying I'm going to do it.
I'm to lazy.
That takes effort.
It would mean I cared about what was said.

But...
Obviously I can't.
Right?
Selfish,
Self Centered,
No Self Worth,
Slob,
Ignorant.

So yes,
It's been a while since I thought about suicide.
But since I'm selfish...
Should I think of it more?
Since it's been a while...

One of my favorite lines of poetry is,
That there are enough gallons of blood to make you an ocean. Do not settle for letting these waves settle and the dust to collect in your veins.
And...
I've let everything in my life settle.
I settled into the depression.
I settled into my bed I made, and I almost stayed there.
I almost stayed in the forgotten nights and days.
I almost stayed in the feigned affection.
I almost
completely
settled.

You see,
I've been taught against that my entire life.
Be in the world, but not of it.
But,
I failed.
I settled.
And, I always thought I would be this rushing wave.
I would take everyone by surprise.

I did alright.
I fooled them all.
I fooled them with words and excitement.
I fooled them with the influx of every word.
I even feigned my own happiness.
No one knew I was drowning in my own life.
Breathing,
Yet,
Gasping for life.

The sleepless nights,
The sickening nights,
The thieves and witnesses,
All of it.

I wish I could say it wasn't true.
That I am whole.

But.

I am done lying.
I am done.
Finished with everything that pulled me to the bottom,
Drowning me.

I'm ready to be an ocean.

What is happening to you?*

Well,
I'm stuck in this limbo of a world between child and adult.
A limbo between my choices and yours.

I'm stuck between childish way and adult relations.
I'm stuck between the condescending tones and looks; and the reality of freedom.
I'm at a halfway house between sanity and insanity.
Frankly, it's such a thin line I teeter it.

I'm stuck in between the micromanaging stares of my family and my own personal distain.
I'm stuck between crying myself to sleep, and waking up with dreams of these new days.
I'm stuck between being a tattered rag and rich velvet.
I'm stuck in this Limbo.

And,
You don't seem to help with your condemnation.
You're not helping.
You tell me to stop talking.
You can't see I'm afraid.
You can't see I'm pulling away...
All because I'm afraid.

You only want me to talk about things you want to hear.
You only want me to do things you want me to do.
You want me here, but you want me gone.
Leaving me in Purgatory.

There is a distance which has been crossed
A frown that has been replaced with a smile
And yes
I can honestly say
This time
I will allow myself
To partake in all the love that surrounds me
I will allow myself to be loved
By another
Because
This time I love me
I love my imperfections
Just as you did the first time round  
But this time I'm ready
For raging emotions
For storms and ships that sail away
Not really knowing where they are going
But just knowing for sure
That where ever we come to ground
We will be there together

I saw her once in passing
Once only!
But once was enough
For I never stopped seeing her
She was everywhere
She was everyone

All day, all night
My heart gave her no rest
Tirelessly and aimlessly
She roamed through my mind

For days and weeks and months
Our paths never crossed again
I was grieved!
I should have made my move then

But how could I?
How do I approach such beauty?
With what would I catch her fancy?
Why should such perfection, regard me?

Would I ever see her again?
Was she gone forever?
The thoughts made me nauseous,
Made me sweat and shiver all at once.

Time passed
And she faded with it
She was gone forever.
I will never see her again
I dwell on more concrete thoughts now
As I leave the office, famished.

Entering a cafe
I spot a familiar figure by the bar
All fatigue and hunger flee-
She's the one!

I approach her,
As the DJ plays something soft
I forge on,
Fighting my greatest fear.

With a husky voice that barely made it out,
"Hello", I whisper
She turns, facing me squarely
Eyes so lovely, piercing my being.
Eternity must have passed, cos she awoke me
"Yes?" She blurted
I gawk for a moment, then I stutter,
"I, I **** at pick-up lines, but can I have this dance?"
She smiles!
Revealing perfectly crafted, white teeth (unlike mine)
Increasing my already rapid heartbeat
As she offers her left hand,
And I take it in my right
And lead her to the dance floor,
Praying for God's mercy and grace.

I awake again- from my trance
As the music fades
Determined, I stop right behind her
And as I dare to open my mouth...
A muscular dude snatches her from the side
Turning, she hugs him and they kiss.

I swallow hard!
Wanting to be him.
Unsure of what to do next, I sit by her
The bartender salutes me
"Coffee?"
"Nah" I mutter, as I stand to leave; feeling stupid.

I take one more look at her, probably my last
As she giggles lovingly
In the arms of another
Oblivious of my existence

My heart burns
As the DJ plays a familiar tune-
James Blunt's You are Beautiful
I leave the cafe
Sad as ever, as reality dawns
No use dreaming further
She's in love with another
She will never be mine
She's gone for life!

© Raphael Uzor