i beg for you to call one last time because my worst fear is forgetting your sweet voice when i need to hear it the most

letting go is the hardest part

maybe it's because i get lost in your eyes,
maybe it's because i can't tell day from night

i'm pretty sure that my headache has become the pain i have distracted myself with for the past few days so i didn't realize how many times you didn't answer the phone when i could barley see the words that i wrote when i was happy

i fell in love
but i'm not sure
if it was with you
or who you made me

Tonight my grandfather looked at me and said,

"Where do you plan on being in four years?"

Usually, this question is simple to answer. The usual 'college' or what kind of job I would want to have, and I sat and thought about how I would respond. After a few moments of him staring at me, I said,

"I plan on taking care of myself for the first time."

He didn't really think that was funny, but what he didn't understand was that I wasn't joking. Ever since I was young, I have always had to take care of something or someone.

He waited for me to explain; he obviously didn't understand how that answered his question. I showed him examples from when I was young. Before my father got custody of me, I always helped my mom with whatever I could. Which wasn't a lot, because I was so young.

Between the ages of 8 - 11 are where I remember the most. This is when I was living with my father. He would fall asleep in the living room and I would wake up every night around 2:00 AM and I would check on him. He would be too drunk to wake up without getting sick, so I always tried to be quite. I would take the beer from his hand so I didn't have to clean up that mess the next morning. Then I would take his shoes and hat off, and I would turn off the TV. I'd always go back to his room to get his bed ready and then I would go back to turn all the lights off in the living room. There's no telling how many nights when I didn't get up and the doors were still wide open through the night. I would literally walk him back to his bed and lay him down, because he couldn't do by himself.

I was 8 years old.

A lot more has happen since then, and I still have to help him to bed sometimes. But now, I live with my grandparents and I have for years. They are getting to the point where I am helping them with everything.

Although my grandfather was surprised to hear my answer to his question, he listened to me for the first time and he understood.

I'm ready to take care of myself.

i'm running from the pain but i always get stopped at a dead end

i told you i needed you and you said you needed one more drink

She told the most beautiful lie.

i knew i fell in love when you first said my name
and i didn't hate the sound of it

sharpen your blade to my heart
**** me with your love

i love the way my heart breaks when you say you're too busy to talk

i'll let you drag me to hell if it means you'll hold my hand

i'm the feeling of regret that hit you when you left

you tell me to calm down without realizing that you're the reason why my heart breaks whenever i see someone happy

help i'm sad and falling apart

crying in the rain so you can't see my tears

Loving you is like watching my own blood run down my arms and screaming 'it doesn't hurt'

you're the midnight train my feet have been chasing after for days

I couldn't count how many nights
I woke up tangled in my sheets,
forgetting you weren't there

trying to run away from you is like trying to forget where i live when i have to go back each night

The air is as cold as the knife you stuck in my back

she waits for the day that she wakes up and doesn't hate herself

i stare into your eyes
waiting for you to leave
like all the others

sometimes we just need a person to listen to how we really feel

i would say that it hurt when you tried to hold me again
but the pain from my wounds are numb

he can remind me everyday of how he loves me more than himself and
how he would give me his last breath to breathe if he had to

and i would still doubt that there is someone who will never leave,
i am so sorry that i have never trusted love

Love is waking up each day and not wanting to be anywhere else

Love is every summer night when you roll your window down and only hear his heartbeat in every song

running from myself and getting nowhere

i'll tell you my sins
so you can sharpen your knife

the day that you finally left was
the day that my heart slowly stopped beating
and my hands started shaking

the scars on my body make me hate everything about myself

but they remind me that i once felt something

her smile was beautiful

but it was as fake as the promises my mother made to stay

i apologize every time you hurt my feelings

and you still don't realize why i feel alone

what if you're the person i'm looking for
but you're hiding and don't want to be found

my eyes are still stained red
from every moment you weren't
there for me when I was lost
in my own head

He walks underneath the pressure of his own shoulders and begs for the day to come where his smile isn't as fake as the Christmas lights around his dead tree