I wanted to kiss you yesterday.
Not because I love you.
Not because I even know you that well.
Not because I'm even sure yet
That I want to know you that well.
Just because I wanted
For once
Not to be the fool, hanging on the coattails of a girl who didn't care.
I wanted not to care.
Watching the smoke curl from your red lips,
I imagined consuming them,
Not bogged down by love or fear or longing,
Just lust,
Just simple.
You could do, you could do it,
Make me forget for a little while
That I am always second best,
That I have no power.
But I didn't kiss you yesterday.
I might have, but I didn't.
I am not raw enough yet,
Still too hopeful and too naive at heart,
Or perhaps too sage, in fact,
To pull the wool over my own eyes and pretend I don't know
That she is the only one
I really want to touch.

You leave fallout whenever you walk away from me.
Oh, god, I can't breathe when I see your face.
Everything in me just stops,
Like someone hit pause,
And then it's like I'm falling through the floor.
I never knew a person could make you this crazy.
I never knew it could be such chaos inside,
Like a star dying,
Little parts of me spinning out,
Fire and light and everything quaking.
I want to reach out and steady myself
Just to touch something solid, to know that gravity still exists
And you're not the only thing that's pulling on me.
My poor heart is trying to keep up
With my blood going the speed of light through my veins,
And it flounders, it stutters and trips and trembles.
Nobody's ever had this kind of effect on me.
I could crumble to your feet whenever I see you.
And for hours after, the fallout keeps coming,
And I lay in the dark in the early morning
Trying and failing to sleep
Because inside I am a whirring jumble of feelings
And the light from the turmoil inside shudders its way out of me
In tears.

I can't touch anyone else anymore.
I stopped trying.
It used to be okay.
I used to fuel it with a bit of anger and pass it off as excitement.
But...
If somebody were to kiss me lately
I think I'd just turn away.
I think I'd try to hard to lean in and forget, but in the end I'd know I couldn't do it.
I used to have the odd person that I'd flirt with or cuddle with,
I used to even have someone I'd kiss often, and forget it wasn't what it could be.
I tried, hard.
I failed.
And finally after trying and trying,
After several last ditch attempts,
I've decided that this is it.
That if you won't be near me-
And maybe you won't-
Nobody will.
I'm tired, and I'm brave enough and wise enough to know when I've been cornered by my feelings.
I can face being alone.
And if I have to, if I can't have you,
I will accept nobody else.
I have no interest, and I'm done trying to.
Whether you hold me or walk away,
I am yours,
And there is nothing either of us can do about it now.

Knowing that I'm not the only one
hurts more than a gun shot wound
seeing you hug her
only reminds me of all the times
you didn't hug me

I see her face
and it makes me sick to my stomach
I see her and I have to walk out and drive away
because it's impossible for me to believe that
the memories you're building with her
are greater than the memories you have of me

can you remember all the times we glared into each other's eyes?
how about the prolonged kisses?
the late night conversations?
anything?

Or do you have all of that with her too?

If you do
I'm heartbroken and livid and confused

Because wholistically speaking
I'm far greater than her

For I have a brain
tangible thoughts
the ability to speak to your family

I put effort into you
in hope that one day it would pay off

but right now

I'm just an idiot

Feeling like an estranged wife
watching the other woman and her husband together
at a party of a friend that we once shared while together

Want me back
get me back
earn me back

because

I want you
I need you
I love you

I've been over you for some time
you enter my mind less often

I find your dark features among strangers
but I still have to find a laugh as perfect

The void you left has been filled with
new friends
drunk nights
and drugs

I still find myself wondering
what we could have been
should have been

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."
which I always refused to believe
and still will

At least I understand now
that you are not ready
for us
or anyone for that matter

"You deserve someone who can treat you like a princess."
because there is something deep down
that you cannot escape

It engulfs your emotions
and suffocates your dreams

I used to dig and dig
try to find it
**** it
and save you

Instead I almost ended up killing myself

because I knew of the love
I felt the love

the energy was there at 3 in the morning
in that empty parking lot
when we looked into one another
and smiled in the silence

when you giggled to yourself and looked at me
and held me in your arms
because you felt "so lucky"

The energy always stays
you can only tuck it away for so long

That energy is when I get a message from you late at night
or the spontaneous phone calls

It just hurts me

because one day you'll realize its not gone
it never left

**but I have

I just want to talk to you
and hear your voice speak
I just want to be with you
and lay in your arms so deep
I  want to scream
I  want to cut
I  just want to stop
wanting you so much
I don't want to miss you
I don't want to care
I don't want to keep reliving your stare
I don't want to see you
Or wonder where you are
I didn't want things to go this far
I don't want to worry
Or try to keep you near
I don't want to love you
But inevitably I do
I don't want my heart to break
But it's breaking over you
I didn't ask for this
Or even really try
I didn't need a man
Or a new start
I just wanted to be miserable
and left alone here in the dark

I wanted to not fall into
what I have so many times before
Why can't I just hate you
as I do all your kind
Why do I want to run to you
when there's a chance I'll be left behind?
What's this spell you have put me under?
with your captivating charms?
Why do I dream of you and long to be where you are?
Why am I so stupid?
Why am I so blind?
You're only going to hurt me....
It's just a matter of time.

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden