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Even from my earliest memories always felt alone
Now I can take some comfort from that
Royal blue velvet
Dark veil cast over silver
Sliver of light upon the black night
How you shine sublime
Reflections pierce the air
Passing worries move with smokey layer
Disappear when all is covered
Moon glows
Once all is bared
When the process starts you think you're going insane
Messing with your mind playing with your brain
Constant questions and answers
to and fro back again
You realise you have to accept or it's like swimming against the current
living while holding your breath
Those who don't understand meet you with a scrutinising closed hand
See you as unwell
Think they are trying to help
Though you have to remember you questioned yourself
So try to rise above
Be true to self
For you have to see
what's ment
To be seen
No one else
I've noticed
The days that could of gone
So differently

I've noticed the days that could of gone so differently
Sun in clouds of halo grey
Smokey over spill
Shine screened from blinding eyes
Eye gaze to look upon
Fire frees through vapour visor
Commands all life to live
Seek and you shall find
A lot more to right X write
I do it to myself I do
I'm a seeker that's what we do
I'm not even sure I do it for the thrill
It's a part of me
Maybe it always was
Always will
Isn't that what we all want
Though we don't enjoy the chase or the hunt
So how do you banish them
Only by facing them
Is there a way to just dissolve them
and
let
them
melt
Into the
sun
In sorry if you mistake my scars for weakness
I'm sorry if you think I'll be putty in your hands
I'm sorry if you think I'm a little lady
I have a voice
Show me a real man
Either way I will still stand
So step aside
Life is selcouth
You want proof
You just have to look for it
It's not as normal as one might perceive
However maybe that just depends on how you believe
Learn to feel from the heart not just what others tell you to see
Think for yourself
And don't believe everything you read ;)
Especially from tv
Don't take it from me
Life's fabric
            weaves
   from    
              rare
         tapestry
I realised
I analyse
My analysing
No one really knows my full story
They see what they think they see
They see confidence from their screen
They don't see the pain
The isolation
They see the smile I paint on
Ok some days I can feel happy
But I've had the realization I'm living with PTSD
It just hit me hard
I feel abandoned and that I'm trying to walk on eggshells
It's been challenging to be accepted as me
So I keep turning inward and being with my self
All in balance
I like to give and take in the bedroom
Take when I feel and give when I feel
So I bought myself a self sabotaging online course today!

I might finish it..
Seems like in relationships it just teaches me where I need to work on self worth
As when I love another outside me
I'm only left feeling incomplete
lonely
Though I hurt less
alone
Sempiternal silence it sits beneath the words

The actions of the day

The thoughts left unheard

Peace and quiet

Rest within
If I could stop my mouth running away from me
And shut my ears to the negativity
Maybe I could see clear and taste the victory
Each day a battle new
Through sorrow
Through joy
Through quarrel
Through no hope for the morrow
Through love
Through kindness
Through natures tenderness
Through big and small
I have shed a tear
and
cried
through
them
all
I feel you
I feel it all
I sense the inner knowing call
You don't need to speak I've seen
I've felt the vibrations from sacral deviation
It's hard to feel the buzzing circling sickening seal
Now I wait to feel so much more
Will you give it this time
Soul love of mine
Can I be
sure
Some days I would like to relax this clenched jaw of mine
I do at times smile
But I feel from the wounded child
I see your wounds from your words, actions
What you leave unsaid
I just feel it
It's just the way it's been
I have learnt to love through it all
When the suffering comes it hurts
The heart feels tight
The head muddled and fuzzy
The mind irritated
The body pained and numbing
The ears hear all too well the spluttering conversations and monkeys chatters swell
The mouth bumbling lines that don't quite feel right
The spirit knows
Insight
The lesson and the emotions will be shared in time
Unity
Combine our dear sentiments
Time
&
distance

separate us all

No they

don't

Thoughts do
Separate
bodies
Same soul
Forever intertwined
Wanting to
let
go
Trickling
droplets
fall
before
your feet
The sky clearing day of emotion
to release
Lighter now before the dawn
To start a fresh
for heavens
morn
Serpentine sleeping inside
Ground shakes
Fire ignites
You begin to wake
Come alive
Up you climb
Slithering
and
Writhe
Making body your own
Taking what you need to feed
Discarding which you disown
Coiling around and around
Energy circling now
Each layer removing
Heavy mount
By any means
Feeling crazy
but all is not how it seems
Visions dancing in periphery
Shadows meeting in nightly dreams
Fears full
Sleeping Screams
Shifting mindset from blinkered screens
Physical symptoms catastrophic bouts
World spinning thrown
round
Til it all comes
crashing down
And you begin to see life
Clear
Serpentine knows
What's best for you
My Dear
Serpents desire
To rise
Slithering through the illusions and the lies
Opening eyes to which you feel despise
Cutting it up
Cauterize
Venomous bite
Only with the fear
Nature divine
Once love is near
Anxiety shush
You're like a rustle in a bush
The winds will blow where they may anyway
Just flowwww..
Ok
Today I hit a wall where shadowed words fell out
Feeling boundaries are being crossed and fed up of holding out
The writing spills across the barricade that limits
and keeps in place
Something has to change
The rage inside me pains and the ink leaks the bleeding from clasping veins
Chaos conjuring spirits skies
Wreaking havoc from out to inside
Taking everything you've built to waste
Flinging debris in speedy haste
As the storms rage the winds howl
The shadows are in the light now
The gloom and fear consume your home
Left feeling scared and all alone
But this is something you've lived before
So you learn to stand strong
And shout GIVE ME MORE!!
Dance the spinning stomping dance
Bow and applaud
I'll step up to lead
In time I will be...
The shadow
of
the
storm
There's a rainbow next to my shadow
It's still raining
I have an umbrella and a loyal companion at my side
The colourful rays still shine
Shadow soul
You pace the walls
Your dark a shade of shame
Don't look straight at
Look away
It's a mortal sin
Ignorance is sure to be bliss
You keep running from yourself only to have to again begin
Not knowing which way to turn
Then you look within
Opening up the wound sticking your hand in
You have guts in your hand
Facing your own messy entrails
Why they cause you so much pain
How black the blood became
Without ever understanding why
Eyes on your shadow side
Soul that seems less whole
But how can you be whole without all sides
Your soul is your guide
It is alive in nightshade or sunlight
You just have to make friends with it  
Accept it is a part of us all
Reflecting compassion and understanding to one another's
shadow soul
Sitting with fear for a bit
Get to know it better
The shadows want me to face them again
Not just read from letter
"You are what you are!"
I've been shaking this afternoon with panic attacks
I got use to looking after myself in these times
My dog lays beside me
Why are we so afraid to fall
Perhaps we fear
there being no one there
to catch you
What if it was different
  this
  time
Deep into the chambers
The bowing dance where axes fall
The circle initiate rolling to miss the impending blow
In honour Chief welcomes
Into the dark room no floor
Walking onwards to tunnels door
Down backwards below
Out to the forest grown
Travelling by beat alone
Each footnote a song
Stepping to where heart flows
Over under and burrow
Facing animals undercover
To the herd they wonder
Following the trail
Wrestling wild
Lasso a crocodiles tail
Freeing from swamps prevail
Onto the banks of the giant cat ranks
Hitching a ride on its back
Into the unknown
Faith guide way home
Under rocks and stone
Sinking hands groan
From lions den
Sleep among animals
Rest has flown
Chiefs hand reckons
To surface tow
Gopher stand tall
Call echoes
Pass shown
Now at white home
Can not enter
Still with impatience
Test of will
Feet won't keep waiting
Into the body delve syncing with the breath
Reach out for God's help
Nailed to the ground
Stand bound
Hear music sway
Hold firmly stay
Released onto the earth
Legs crossed
Bow to humble heart
Awake
Give me something real but let me feel every inch of you
                                             Touch me from the inside
                  Let your hold take me into your arms
            I want to see the good and bad in you
                             Let us to ourselves be true

                                                           ­  Falling
                                                         ­             Hard    
                                           ­                                in
  
                                                                ­                     limitless       
                           ­                                       
                         ­                                                                 ­          space
Geometric shapes the mind
Aligning with the light
Divine
Each dream
Each night
So much going on behind eyes sight
At the brow
Eyes closed
Information flooding in
Tween sleep and awakening
Consciously aware
As shapes cascade from here to there
Transparency to the skin
Though structure clearly seen
Triangles
Squares
Circles
Hexagonal
Not flat in form
Life to the structures
A sense of crystalline
knowing
Bathing beneath the rim
Although not really sure of what I'm seeing
Or indeed to feel
As of now
As of yet
Today I feel like a shell
Only filled by emptiness
Before you get that gun to fire that shot
...know you may as well turn that gun round on yourself
So before you load up!
What's your aim?
Do you need to pull the trigger?
Bullet to the target will come from you, and the repercussions will be yours to bear.
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Shell outside
Hard
sometimes
         rough
Firm to touch
Inside nature
Feeling heart
Sheltered
Covered by dark
Outside creeps
to
shine its spark
Pecked by the disconcerting hen
Opening ears to intuition
Heart to align with that which we seek
Breaking of old habits and the past of who once tied
self
down
to
    be
The pain brought me inside myself
It was the only place to go
Anxiety stay away from me
You are my shield and my enemy
I hide behind you and I fight with you
Please let me be
Enlightened
path
Yes
it's
enlightening
Shipwrecked treasure
Marooned hidden pleasure
A cove of paradise
Once brave through choppy waters and sea of ice
Be welcomed and warmed by soft sands and poetic flow
Freedom in bare skin and supple bone
So tonight I thought it was a good idea to sing out loud and drink
However for some reason I thought..
Put it out on Instagram..
****!
I'm drunk!!
Seemed a good idea at the time. However I like to be different , so a singer that can't sing, bonanza!!
Men and Women
Were made to be different
We must bring them together
To reconnect
Embracing differences, understanding differences, working together, bringing balance, connectivity, harmony
The pain won't change
Until you address it and face it
It remains the same
That's why it comes with a slap a hit and a bang!
It's method is to aid you to understand
Give you the shock
Before the reached out healing helping hand
We can't change ourselves until we see ourselves
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