They tried to love me /  but I always put a barrier in the way

I'm learning about my relationship style
How and why I do and say the things I do
I'm learning more deeply to feel into the sensitivities and trials
I'm understanding more
How can I be a healthier me
Where should my boundaries be
What does the other person need
How can we understand
Compassion
Hand in hand

Never felt a part of family
Only apart of

Wings
flap
with the air
Glide and slice precision
Cutting down its prey to small size
In  
one  
fell  
 swoop
Deadly
incision

No matter who you are or what you find
You can always learn to be kind
We all have those days where the shadow wins its doesn't make us evil or deceiving
No matter our past or what came before
There is always an opening to a new welcoming door
The rusty hinge is old it's squeak became a chore
Replace what's gone you are a-door-ed
Give yourself a break and an applause
You have picked yourself up
Let the fresh air through the porch
Now smile :-D..
Face the ground where you stand for this will be your building spot this will be where you plant
In future days you and those after can look out at the garden you have tended grown and blossomed from your budding bare hands

We will all get
home
in time

I do it to myself I do
I'm a seeker that's what we do
I'm not even sure I do it for the thrill
It's a part of me
Maybe it always was
Always will

Words echo back the messages we need to hear
Reflections on disturbed pools of water can become so clear

Balance strong and firm
The waves toss and turn
Flowing with the movement
The ocean and it's tide
Knowing peace and harmony is resting on the sand

Precious divine love
A Gods gift from above
Your almighty love floods through heart and blood
Tears fall from heavens gate
Your clouds of dark lift to pearls of white
Honoured to feel even an ounce of loving bliss state
Forever held dear
Loves awake

Learning from eyesight
Driven by views
Opinions made from them
To us
Back to them
No story is ever the same
How do you know you're on the right page
You have to read the whole book and even then there could be a rewrite or follow-up

Holding hand in mine
Stroking fingers softly touch
Holding on to emotions tight as now they roll and push
Longing embrace wrapping arms to care
Conflicting feelings vulnerable bare but lovingly there
Keep a hold til love can breathe with comforting soothing flowing air

To come round to this world as a veil of bedding
rests upon thy face

Tonight to cosy up
Comfy sofa, toasty wear
A movie perhaps
A comedy to cheer, laughter to lift the air
A spot of the warm whiskey nectar
Honey on the spot
Ice, just one single drop
I guess I'm in for a good night to self
Well my company is hard to top :-D

To see the world as yourself is not always a view to cherish
You can't always force yourself to see the beauty
When the inside screams
It paints the screen
You just want it to fade away

Enlightened
path
Yes
it's
enlightening

Purity and grace
Sunflowers face
Growing in beauties place
Of innocence and charm
A field of natures calm
Harmony arm in arm
The love goes on and on
Pretty everlasting state
Daisy-chain

Through sorrow
Through joy
Through quarrel
Through no hope for the morrow
Through love
Through kindness
Through natures tenderness
Through big and small
I have shed a tear
and
cried
through
them
all

He tells me he loves me
When I feel up I can understand
When I'm down I cannot
I feel washed up and not good enough
Will I ever compare to a Summers day?

How strange
I forget where I was
I feel I'm this person but somethings changed
Perhaps this life was rearranged
Did I know myself before
Did I meet the people I now know
Is this the person I was born to be
Now then future me
Tell me or let it go
Bring a home
into my
soul

I wish I had found in self more support and thought less of me weak
Maybe then I wouldn't of run towards any I seek
So much time spending worth in someone that never saw the worth in me
Been made to sleep in floor as less than a dog should be treated
Kicked in legs and **** told so fat so should be beaten
Headbutted in face to hide their disgrace
Told pills weren't enough to end worldly phase
All turned around to make me look insane
The worst was being poked and pinned cause the ex from years ago thought I had bed another
Just had to make sure I was clean and safe
A bit much to tell
But if I can cleanse some of past hell
So what!
Farewell!..

Take me on the winds journey
I flow through air and breeze
Over swaying tree tops and clearest deepest seas
High above worlds crust
land at feet
Fly to the skies
as earth and heaven horizon
shall run to meet

Stems frail
Weak and split
Broken apart by the weight of it
A bowl of carnations presented delicate
Just the heads of flowers
Long lost showers
Still

As I sit and take in the moment

Observe the view over my tea cup

I wonder deeply thoughtfully and sincerely

How many....

dunks do I think this chocolate digestive can take?

Dance with me in the darkness until it fades

Had a day last week when feeling rather brave
So... thought to self yeah I'll enter that competition  
Probably won't be a close shave
But now I've won, well runner up!
Think I might be needing one
For champagne reception and burlesque photo shoot
I must learn to behave
Ready for a close up :-o
Argghhhh.. I want to run away :-/

Deep down I feel really alone
But I have to remember
I'm
not

He lays on top of me
Such sweet kisses
Making me giggle
Licking my face
The dog

Last holiday our break began
The words were in another state
Holding hands and kisses gone

Next holiday will be lived
with love and song

I feel the darkness
I feel the light
I find myself torn between the two
Parts of both run through
Merging to taste both sides
To feel as We do
Strainer container
We all hold our truth

Message in the numbers aligned to sight and sense
Reaching to the light after fear and darkness sent
Looking to the past
Growing in the present
Holding for the future
A candle in the hand
Wonders of the world
Instinct for vision and of sound
Peeking in the corners
-to feel what comes around
Stepping with the process
Spirit will know no bounds

They say it's not good to live in the past
But sometimes the past wants to come up to talk
We will work things out

I don't know what I'm looking for
anymore
I feel like I've already watched it all
fade . .  .

555 was the time on the clock
On this first day
The past will stop
Receive the present as a gift
Feel the heart as lighter lift
On towards the coming year
With angels and guardians to you are near

Spring
Spring me to life and let your Summer sun warm in my heart
Before the Autumn falls and Winters freeze the earth

Body tense and taut
Mind overwrought
Thoughts running round stomping with a heavy pound
Calm is where the spirit flows
Ears hear the call

So often harsh on ourselves
Then take it out
on another

The pain cuts me deep
I can't feel it's sharp metal scraping and slicing at my insides
I feel the stomach writhe and tremble
The throat and teeth tighten and clench
Head pressure
Eyes colourless and hollow
Intense energy swirling
Sadness Anger Fear Hurt Shame become my friends
I sit with my guests
Every pain that visits I can learn to entertain
With time I feel the pains will grow but maybe I will see them coming
The pain grows as I do
So for that I should say Thankyou!

Attachment
Non attach
Be yourself
Don't say that
Let your heart be pure
Let shadows dance
Love yourself
Be more than that
Appreciate what you have
Strive for more
Burn with desire
Desire is flawed
Know thyself
Change your ways
Sleep the night
Wake for days
Love all
Protect your boundaries
Pray to God
Surrender on your knees
Don't over think
Learn to please
Life is connected
Full of duality
Go within
Find you
There is no one here
Embrace the darkness
Fight the fear
I tell you what I'm exhausted
Here!
But I've done nothing
today

The ignorant eat the worm gulping it down without knowing what it is
The ones who's look for truth to the worm
choke each time
they try
to
eat

Dreams are active
Purging takes dominance
A theme centred to all else
Subconscious and conscious stirrings to where hurt is felt
Where insecurities stem and powers knelt
Wounds uncovered injury cries out
Direction to paths walked back and the steps trodden lightly this time
Attention to those muddied footprints and the remnants that stick and pull
Awareness to how the ship was bashed against heavy rocks and lessons in how to captain or how waves should course and sail the hull
Rest was busy and rather full but some sleep within this dream school

Let's light a candle
Talk
Set the world to rights
Speak of passions that burn through night
Joke and play as time slips away
Soft tender touches to begin
Eyes enticing most
Growing closer
Content by company and host
Sharing same desire
Kiss to kiss attentive
Knowing
Tasting
Savoring
Wetting appetite
Hunger so strong
You crave to go on
Firmly to each other's grips
Small bite between sips
Inside he slips
No other could feel like this
Bask in cups spill
Overflowing
Flame to wick intensifies
Liquid fuel action to lift up loves light

Healing begins inside
I see your pains and I want to help but I can't do the work for you
Until you do external triggers will have an emotional response perhaps not of benefit
The outer view will penetrate through hitting hard sending ripples to confuse and bruise the next person standing in front of faced queue
Peace of mind begins with you
Lighten the load
Accept own shadows too
Bit by bit
Drop by drop
World renew

The things I've seen most wouldn't believe in
I wasn't sure I did at first til they appeared out of the blue
Expand the mind
Broaden the view
Hopefully this will also lead to allow most joyous and sacred dreams to come true

What you do to another you do to yourself
Once you learn this you don't want to intentionally hurt anyone else
Though we also learn to forgive too
As we recognize our own
fallibility

Words have hurt
So has silence
Though the silence from peace has brought some relief
It's a different kind of silence an embrace from the creator
A surrender and a hold
bringing you into
being