Fours years ago the visions strongly came
After that even my strange past was never the same
Two years ago I was engaged
The family the dream all I held to feel a Queen
I still have the ring and the partner too although now as a friend and housemate
The romance and wants died a death fell flat on its face
When I found love again it stayed with him it never came back to me
Perhaps waiting for it to return
A few years ago I put on weight
I thought it was laziness to be fat what a big mistake
Nothing I did shifted its gain
I never felt pretty I had to delve deeper within to feel a sense of beauty
A bit of a wild edge at times my previous fights repaid by a crime
Beaten up on a street two women compete kicking me in til I can only hold up my feet to keep my vulnerable places intact
I learnt a lot from that
Five years ago trouble through the drink and panic attacks so thrown for night in the clink it's ok the bouncers and police bruises left me with a mark of what they did think
No stranger to physicality in relationships of the old it made me stronger and bold more acclimatised to the odd sticks and stones the words they can live on if you let them take hold
It's ok I know what's been and done and the pain we all go through It helps us grow as people and help those in need too
Peaceful nature can ensue
It will make for a better you
Always colour in the blue

Grip my wrists let the blood slip
See the world let my view rip
Why you want to see me cry
Why you want to see and feel me die
I need some distinction to get by
Love me like I'm nothing
Hold me like I'm sin
Tear me like I'm shameless
Birth me til I win

Starting to see both sides of something
can stand you in the grey
You don't know which is black or white when you turn to face there way
You begin to hang
upside
down and see your feet on steady ground
Planted in earths soil can bring closer quarters
to hells
playground
Trying to listen to my heart, but is it in my head?
That voice mine?
Sssshhh...
I just said!
Too much thinking, I think?!
I'm going back to bed!
I guess only time will tell
Which way pendulum sways
But that too could be misled
Just off
my ED!!
This potentially could be misread :-o

I often wonder
when I'm in the black
Who holds my hand to comfort me?

There are moments when I can feel the connections
The passer by in the street sharing a hello smile
The nature and its intertwining patterns and symbols
The numbers and signs on the street and how they link with the thoughts in my head or the present or past event
The songs that hold meaning and the occurrrance of the time they play out
So much to see
So much to wonder
How my eyes and mind feel open
How I long to see much more
The more I see the more I ponder
Who am I and do I belong in this splendour or should bow down and live like a square peg in round hole and make fit and form

A room
usually
so full of people
How they feel and see
How they tread through with emotions as company
Bustling with energy so much to take in
Now abandoned left aside
No room for all these people
Mind is of own
Form shapes a steeple
More now
inclined to connect
with
spirit or self alone
Less noise
Open space
in
solitary
and
silence

I try.. and I try... and I try....
But I am so ******* tired
And I don't even know if you even care about me
At All!
About anything I do or how I feel
I try to show care but it gets thrown back at my ugly face
I try to make the effort but I'm just left feeling and seething
What's the point!

I can't make him see the light he has in his heart he wonders too much in the darkness
I know it's hard to see when all around is dim and blackened but the light inside is burning to break free