When I allow myself to feel pleasure I quite often cry
I've held the shame inside
Little by little
I'll let it go

I've seen my self in thousands
of different faces
I believe there is still more to see

She could reason with reason but
intuition is where she felt it

Sometimes the words come from another place and through me and out  
Sometimes they come from the ego
This is from the ego
Or is it?

I woke up to a nightmare was it from my own doing or from my God
Or was it there all along and
now
I could finally see

Judge not and ye shall not be judged
Well I judge!  

Did you judge that?
Nothing wrong with a little discernment

Bullied most of  life
Even now they come at me still vultures for a fill
The hurt still runs deep
So they creep
Though I am forgiving
I understand they are hurting to pain
I won't play the game
anymore
I release
Though I'm aware of the score
It's a inferiority sense of power
Insecurity to deliver
A way to feel control
Though there is
none
It's all gone
And critism
Do you think there is nothing I haven't heard or said to myself
It's falling away
from
me ...

I've felt in survival mode most my life
Fight or flight
I've struggled to relax

Circumstances and conditions have made us view the world in our way
Each views the scenery through the lens with their own perspective
We should try and remember this when making judgements

I lie back
Scan the body
Each part I make heavy and relaxed
Sinking into the earth
The bed as support
The muscles loosening to the weight
Then I let the truth of feeling come up in body
I feel the throttling tightness in my throat, the sharpness in my chest,  the aches all around and the churning in my stomach
I lay with the discomfort
Staying still and as relaxed as I can as I do
The sensations bloom and I let them flow
To just be
I can stay with this feeling
Each time I feel it more or less in one or another place
I place my hand on my heart provide compassion acceptance and a comforting reassurance
I let a wave flow through my body as I come back to the room
And I make it through every time

I now throughout my day let the anxious feeling come up for air until it dissipates ...
I've ran away for too long.

On the journey of awakening my pain became so immense I held a cross in my hand and asked God for help

Holding that cross at one time was the only deliverance I found

I was still in pain but it was bearable

I felt God was with me in my darkest times

When I asked to die if that was to be God kept me living

When I surrendered in mercy

God renewed the senses

Resurrection for
life

I'm drawing out my anxiety purposely
I'm feeling and being with it
I may transcend it or make peace with it
It is what it is

The man with nothing
Still
says God Bless

Do I know my worth

Not completely no

Been running around with the projections getting myself in a spin

If I'm honest at times self sabotaging

The world became the playground from within

It wasn't the ground I would prefer to be playing in

I held back

Saw a lot of lack

Aligned with the mirrors of lest and jest

Can't blame the outside it just became a part of me

So the loving has to go on inside

internally

I would like the suffering to end but I've learnt so much in the shadows
Watching the air in the night makes me see it's alive
Once your eyes adjust it is never truly dark
The energy buzzes and dances
Lights often twinkle
Visions often form
Shapes align
Fear has pushed to the light
The light has brought me hope but sadness too
As the light has shone on all I do or do not do
The light dives deep into the subconscious sea plucking up fragments as a star lights view
The waters reflect its heat and it's warmth too
The sharpness blends into the ebbing flow rippling out across to land
The sea bed settles until
next
lights
dive

I faced another one of my demons last night I looked at it and sent it love from the heart. I could keep feeding it fear but I didn't want to. It felt like it was in need of comfort. It seemed alone.

When the roads need resurfacing the concrete opens to gap
The raw edges unearthed
The built up tension has caused the exposure to the rumbling core
The pressure placed upon uncovers the tender spots
We observe
We take in the scattered rocks  
Acknowledging its truth
The vulnerable air
We can be grateful we noticed it there
Wide open and bare
Now we can fill up from inside
To bring up to level
To join on the expansive highway

Hearts have been beaten
Trodden to the core
Fragmented and sodden in the pressing downpour
Cracked open as a hatchet strikes door
That's one way to let the sunlight in
The walls are bare but the sun enters the room
The shadow cast from what once thought filled the occupying lair
Now the contrast is obvious and the vision aware
Though without the break would we be
Without the contrast would we see
Would we need to
The home would still be the shelter but would we walk around with our eyes closed forever bumping into things
Blaming the surroundings for how we have let ourselves live
The opposition could be viewed as a gift
The awakening to our own being
The mending through the seeing, the feeling, the believing, the deceiving
The door doesn't need a replacement
The living room just needs some internal consideration
To furnish the home with love
Own hearts decoration

I've seen through your eyes
I've known the tears you've cried
I've felt the heartstrings pulled wide
I've felt you broken inside
I've tasted the times you've swallowed your pride
I've been places you went to hide
And to all those spaces you opened up
Filling up of not much or too much
Empty
Overindulged  
Laying with your love in the guilty malice and the shame centred rug
It was at one time your only cover
How you danced with the shadows
The romance of willows bearing your narrow leaves and small flowers
Finding the love in those little things
Tying the pliant branches to yarn encircling loom
Ouroboros love
Come back to you

Upon the earth the leaves settle
Dried from all the chill
The ground covered the crunch beneath foots standstill
The air circulates
Shrubs thrill
In this moment
The apparent shrill
Of left behind days
Up until
Chattering branches talk
Spoken on the bark
Life carries in the veins of creatures embark
Blank sheet a canvas for the sky
Outlines are marking purities vie
And the wind will whistle another tune
After winter's sonnet
Spring fresh bonnet
Ground again will bloom and life adore upon it

Suicide
A raw topic
Some people think a person ends theirs cause they want to stop it
No just numb the pain
They want to live again
They want to feel happy content
Not filled with pain and torment
Achievement
How does that look to you
A family
A fabulous career
A lovely house
Kids
Marriage
Some times it's just having the will to get up
To keep living each day
To not let the coaxing demons win to not give in to their adamant sway
We can all struggle but I don't think sometimes some realise what achievement means to them
The inner battles they slay
The darkness they face
I don't think the end is the answer
Cause I don't think they is an end just more lessons in its place
Though I think we need to understand
We all crave peace

I hope we find it in life
I hope those gone from this one
have found it too
Content within

Play the chord
How's that sound
Is it in tune now
Pluck the string
Is it harmoniously resonating
Is there a healthy tone
A happy flow
Or does the note fall a little flat
A bit off key
Match the response to the melodic frequency

It always amazes me how love can turn to pain in such a short
space of time

Seems like in relationships it just teaches me where I need to work on self worth
As when I love another outside me
I'm only left feeling incomplete
lonely
Though I hurt less
alone

I've taken so much more than I can bare
I let you into my life again
I gave you a chance to do it all differently
I gave you compassion and understanding for your difficult time
I made you laugh
I made meditations to help clear your mind and heal your heart
But you didn't want to know
Bit by bit truth came to unravel
The lying eyes you've been hiding behind
Playing with my heart my love my health my life for a second time
I've been feeling like I'm on a merry go round
A rollercoaster ride
And I feel sick now
I've watched as you vented your anger towards another and still tried to see your side
And now you show me all your actions been a lie
You wanted her
The one you went to after you broke my heart the first time
The years I spent healing myself
And when I'm just getting better you think it's ok to come in and just say hi
And pick me up when I made peace with the goodbye
Now everyone is bad in your eyes
When I was struggling need a supportive line
You told me you still want her
Am I just a play thing with no shine
Not to me I'm not
Worth so much more than you will ever know

Lightworker path sounds like a positive laugh
How we spread our gift of joy and sunshine
It's merriment is overlooked
Mistaken
Mistook
Worker of the light has lived in the dark night
Over and over again
Death of self and friend
Only insight and pen
To share the tale of wisdom spent
To never want another to bleed in Hell
To pass the torch to trauma tormented cell
I'm apparently strong enough to live this
That I keep telling my self and all is well

It came through pierced veils
Dark night
Broken heart
Pray to God
And now I feel alone

When we should feel connected
I
watch them in their slumber

My love for you is unconditional
Even through the pain
I'm not sure love ever came from you to me
I'll have to move on
If this is not ment to be
I'll still love you all the same

Pushed into the cracks the budding little plant
Expanding in the soil
Contracting to the ant
Filling from the hollow
Darkness creeps around
And within that darkness
Light
is
found

Step into the sunlight
They said
It was all in your head
The shadow is always trailed behind
Attached to once time
Now
I
shine

When you shine a light on the darkness you see it all becomes
  clear
Our layers
Conditioning
Thoughts
Beliefs
Behaviors
Actions
Fears

The past always tries to pull us back
Not to say we may not have to look
Though it reads over and over again and writes our present
book
The future is not certain
We can hold faith in this moment
&
rest in Divine love
+

What do we have in common
A desire for connection
Acceptance
Of self
Or each other
A sense of purpose
A safe happy contented home
A place to be at peace and harmony
In love
In mind body and soul

I don't feel worthy of my self yet
I know that

Views you should be like this or like that
Maybe you should be like you
Dress for your own company
But will they take me seriously
Or place projections on me
I'm sure some will
They do

Each night
I dream I'm dying so when it comes to death I'll be more prepared

The mud crumbling as each step imprint upon its land
Turning round to see where it falls
As long as it doesn't hit anyone else on the way down
Though I'm sure another will reach that height
Meeting themselves on the way
Feeling then viewing the same pain
Wondering is this the right pave
Can I just stay
Rest awhile
Or do I deceive myself with over-staying or even grasping up
What is left
Behind
What do we gain
Insight
Each other reflects through thine own eyes

My guilt eats at me each day
It's ok
I deserve it
But others don't
So I'll have to change

They say it's not good to live in the past
But sometimes the past wants to come up to talk
We will work things out

Bullied my whole life
I still get bullied
Strangers online
The thing is you are no stranger to me
I've even been one of you
You are in pain
In fear
You find your strength from trying to throw another down
You deserve love too
Though you might not receive that right now
You still do

Are you still desiring to be free of all desire
Are you still killing your ego with pride that your ego is dying
Are you still chasing after your own tail

I do it to myself I do
I'm a seeker that's what we do
I'm not even sure I do it for the thrill
It's a part of me
Maybe it always was
Always will

The middle road
Walking the line
Losing the balance on the bends
The one side has its past place
The other a shimmering glaze
Though I've been told not all that glitters is gold
So I walk the middle line and try to see in both directions
Though the movement is slow
I walk and crawl as I go
I hope I still grow
As I work my way
to each cross road
I carry on with my
bread crumbs load

Each conversation reflects a part of me
A healing trigger an insecurity a vulnerability an adaptability
A lesson for us
For them
For me
A universe
A game of reverie
The space
The words
The moment
The movement
The inbetween
The projection
The projector
The screen
Insight
A dream
Nightmare
To scream
Shedding light and dark is bright
To view us as we've been
What we've held
What we've seen
The pages turning are deafening
When will it end..
A happily ever after

Setting the foundation
The boundaries in place
Working out the blocks

To build a home of faith and grace

A bed of comfort made for us
Snuggled cosy
Full of love
Hearts touch
Stars shine
Light above
Gazing down on our divine snug

Into the dreams of the night
Syncing apparitions appetite
All the perceived projections come to light
All the masks are stained
Playing the small game
of little gain
Even the hiding is seen
Smokescreen fiend
Cleaned
in
dreams

My heart stills hurts
I can pretend all I want
But it still
hurts

I heard that if you go into complete darkness you will illuminate the light

The light goes out and my room speaks

Some times I keep my light on

Some people's deep
Goes far beyond
the
grave