I’ve been around long enough
to know these wounds don’t heal.
I will wake up tomorrow
and put down half a bottle
of hydrogen peroxide,
hoping the void inside
my chest won’t get infected.
This ribcage is missing
more than just bones.
The black hole I met
in my living room
decided to stay for dinner.
He said you’re doing great.
I poured another glass
of regret and told him
that’s ironic.
I’ve realized this is just what
“okay” has become;
fists embedded in sheetrock promises,
sitting alone in the rooms where
everyone told me they would stay.

Your childish lies have nothing of a true meaning
because you never saw what truly went on inside my mind.
The cogs were turning, but the wheels got stuck in the muck
that you had left behind when you decided that it was time to bid me adieu.
That child inside me broke
Like the Bay Lake dam that came crashing and tumbling down,
the waters swirling into the ever after.
Leaving me behind, alone, with the lonely company of the silt and the sand.
And then, I wept.

A bubble.
That's where I want to hide myself.
That's where I want to stay, away from the world.
Immune to the outside, just in my little corner.

It is. I want to hide. Hide from Love.
I just don't want to get hurt.

I want to be immune of feeling.
Insensitive.
I want to be insensitive.
Able to live my day to day life without suffering,
With no pain, no love or no hate.
Without. Without loving.

Everything is so...
So rough.
I want everything around me be insignificant,
to me;
With no great expectations of the world.
Without thinking.
Without having to think.
How I wished I could just snap my fingers
And everything would by as I please.

09.02.14


I guess there’s this part of me that hates every aspect of what you are. You are the definition of what I want and look for. Sometimes, it’s painful to think that those many girls out there look at you and think of you the same way I do. They see you as someone who is nearly irreplaceable. Someone who gives them hope and love just by being alive. Yet, I found myself going absolutely crazy for you.

I want to be the reason of your cry because you’re laughing too hard. And I want your grumpy morning attitude. I want your sleepy morning voice, that gives me chills everytime. Sometimes, I’d like to imagine us curled up in bed, pretending to watch a movie when really we’re stealing glances at each other because it’s ridiculous that we found each other.  

I want your arms wrapped around my waist when you feel threatened by someone else. I want your eyes to look at me and they constantly give off the little sparkle they have.

I have painted this stupid image in my mind that you are my safe place, my home. Maybe it’s not stupid. Maybe it’s what’s keeping me sane and breathing right now. You do these little things everyday, and not realizing how much it affects me. Sometimes, I think I’m the only one feeling that way. But that’s silly.

Thousand of girls feel the same way, think the same way, wishing that some way, life will take a dramatic turn and maybe, just maybe, they’ll end up with a happily ever after. With you.

A piece of me thinks that I owe you my life because the slightest curve of smile that your lips made can keep me happy for days. And that’s what I don’t understand.

Love is “always wanting them to be happy and doing everything in your power to keep them happy” right? But this time, it’s twisted. I want you to be happy and you want me to be happy, but not in the same way. I want you to be happy and I want you to smile. I give you my everything, my heart.
But what did I get back? All I get back is a reassuring smile. And somehow I’ve convinced my broken heart to believe that you mean it with your whole heart. After everything is over: the girls, the fame, the fun, the youthful age, the music. Maybe then you’ll realized all I gave up for you.

And what makes this all completely over-the-top mad is that I wouldn’t trade this obsession I’ve got for everything. And when someone asked me, “Why?” I don’t think I could explain why; simply because they would never understand and they don’t even care. But you care, or at least that’s what I told myself.

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but now it's come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.
I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,

but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't
untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.
I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't
untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

what pains me most in life
is not knowing a reason for something
not being able to explain- in full-
why certain things deem to be a certain way.

why do hugs feel so **** good?
why does the smell of the air after a storm elate me?
why does the gentle tickling of a sun ray on my back ease my soul?

why is there no choice to be born?
why do some of us suffer from day to day whilst others merely seem to accumulate happiness?
why is my brother severely disabled?

truthfully, I have come to conclude,
that no amount of seeking will suffice
and
do we really want the burden of absolute knowledge anyway?