I've been searching bottle bottoms
And scouring city streets
And scraping plastic plates
And surrounding myself with things
And hoping for a spark
And a miracle
And just a little bit more strength

Sometimes I think we are orbiting each other
Lost in space
Floating in tandem
Locked by gravity in the emptiness
And sometimes
I know that’s nonsense
And that you are the asteroid
Who will knock me into the sun

Still
I must admit
The heat felt good for once

I can’t get the sand out of my shoes
It’s been weeks
And I’ve been hitting them
And shaking them
And knocking them around
But still
I can feel the grit with every step
So I still can’t get the beach
Or you
Off my skin

With you, there was no warning
I went from drifting languidly along in the sunshine
To being tossed against the rocks in a sudden hailstorm
Shocked and battered and lost
Disoriented in the downpour
When I’d had the promise of clear skies

I’m not sure I’ll trust the weatherman again
He’s got your eyes and voice and disarming smile

I’ve been trying to get the salt out of my ponytail
I’ve been trying to get the feel of rock out of my hands
I’ve been trying to get this ****** sand
Out of my shoes
But it’s so sticky
Everything
Is so sticky
And here I am in the biggest mess
With hair and skin and mouth
So full of you
That I don’t know how to escape
My tongue is still recoiling
From the half-truths you spilled
Tinged with sweat and cinnamon
And slime
And here I am still choking on them
Retching
Just to get rid of the taste
Gnawing at my lips
Just to break the skin that knows you
Scrubbing myself raw
Just to keep you from clinging

My ears are buzzing with your nonsense
And I am running from the noise
Bolting with everything that I have
As sand grinds against my feet
And I will be ****** and breathless before I stop
Because I need the distraction
As much as the distance
I can’t keep reliving your kisses
With every stubborn grain
I can’t keep wondering if you’re lying
Every time I turn my back
I can’t keep playing this game
Because we’ve all already lost
So I will not apologize for taking the high road out of here
And leaving you to sulk with your I-didn’t-mean-to’s
And your too-little-too-late revelations
There were a lot of ways this could have ended
But I never once imagined you would have brought storms to my doorstep
I never expected to be trying determinedly to peel my skin off
And I never thought I’d be sitting here wishing to forget your name

I wanted to stay up to watch the meteors
Not for the sake of the stars
But for the chance to slough off a bit of loneliness
I’ve been restless
And sleepless
And it would have been nice
To have someone gazing back for a change

It would have been nice
If you had come to share the starlight with me
Not for the stars’ sake
But for mine

Cars rushed past,
Threatening to douse him in freezing puddles,
And he stood calmly at the intersection,
Unperturbed and solid.
Hood pulled up,
He strolled as if nothing in the world could ever upset him.

I imagined myself running after him,
Abandoning my car in the middle of Tremont Street
And dashing through traffic.
Messy hair would meet beaming smile,
Gangly limbs to Mediterranean hips,
Head to rest on something solid,
Relief and amazement
After all this time,
Finally, finally, finally…

Blond hair and a willowy frame
Reminded me that I hate the rain,
Especially in March.
It’s been years since he looked at me that way,
Yet disappointment still knotted my stomach
And whitened my knuckles around my steering wheel.

Two solid figures kept pace,
And I veered the other way,
Realizing the extent of my shortcomings
As my knees trembled in my stuffy car.

These are all the things I can never tell you
Because I have the worst timing
And I’m way too late
And honestly you’re better off without me
Life with me is not easy
Life with me is like being trapped on a tiny boat in the middle of the ocean
In a thunderstorm
All crashing and thrashing and tidal waves
I exist at the extremes
Skipping all grey area
And dragging everyone under with me
You are better off on dry land

I will never tell you any of this
Because I don’t want you to be tempted to jump in after me
I don’t want you to drown
But I am self-indulgent
So I will tell it to strangers
I will shout to a room of unfamiliar faces
That I can’t stop thinking about you
…******* it
I cannot stop thinking about you
And how I made so many stupid decisions
And how it’s my own **** fault that you drifted away
Because I wanted you to move on
And the moment you did
I became a shipwrecked idiot
With nothing to show for my efforts but a sunburn and a head full of delusions

How did I even get here?

I know I should let it go
Abandon all thoughts of rescue and come up with Plan C
But still, I can’t stop thinking about you
And I wish you would jump in after me

There was cold boredom
And there was colder familiarity
And
Colder still
There was indifference
And I sat trying to light a fire
Only to find that my heart wasn't in it

I'd rather sit here shivering
Than conjure up tinderboxes
I don't have the energy
And, quite frankly
I'm tired of the flames