******. I'm confused. You act like we're    together, then you act like I'm being used. When you write your poetry it strikes a chord in me, but you won't say and I'm too afraid to ask you see.  I think that we might be exclusive but it's hard to know.  Bring a toothbrush and bring some clothes. Is it the fact that I'm still legally bound? Or is it when you're drunk is the only time you want me around? You let me come over one night and just gave me your shoulder. That was the first time we just slept together. No ***, no attempts, just slept in pure innocence. We've had times since, just laying there. Holding eachother till dreams commence. Thing is, I need to know. What are we, where do you want this to go? One day I feel I am ready, take on a new journey, the next I'm scared and I don't want to be your hunny. I'm sure it's just because I don't know. Please tell me so I can go on with my show...

I want my poetry to feel to you as such
That I have ripped out your heart
                                and on it I stomped
Broke it into
         a thousand  p     e 
                                 i   c  s
                                   e

Placed back in your hands while you stood
on knees shaking

Making you  f
                         a
                            l
                              l
 onto the ground
Begging God for lost love while
your weeps and screams

A     B    O    U   N   D

This may be very vain of me to say
If my poetry did not make you feel that way

*then I am no poet today

Empty promises
Empty words
Everyone that's spoken
Can never be unheard

Keep the promises to yourself
Do not try and riddle the mind
For it will be detrimental
To ones mental health

If you choose to speak
Then speak with statements true
Do not use words that are empty
For in the end, karma will have you

A breath of spring
Upon a winter's day
Pastel colors whispering
              
                   stay

A hint of smile
Upon her lips
Greeted warmly with a

                   kiss

Winter's cold
Cannot intrude
It is spring inside this blossoming

                    *prelude

The tears do not stop
The dam has been broke
Unknown reason for the rain
Believing they are over
Only to start again

A song, a phrase in a book
It does not matter
Even just a look

So many things resonate in her mind
She swears she hears voices
Low in timber
Causing the forever ember

Scents drifting upon the breeze
All too familiar
None putting her at ease
Feeling the warmth of masculine hands
She blinks trying to hold back
Floodgates open instead

Tonight is hard
She doesn't understand
She is strong
Tonight dropped gaurd
Breaking her tether
*things fall apart so things can fall together

In the elevator going up
Reaching for aspirations
Seemingly out of reach
Door opens
Flood fifth floor
Weird, didn't come in the elevator
Swim through the crystal water
Going for something
What, what am I reaching for
Aspirations
So thirsty, swallow my swimming water
Salty, no quench here
Back to the elevator
Cannot reach
Aspirations becoming further
Unable to grasp
Wake up, sweating
Heart racing
Sunlight spilling in
Take a drink of water
Aspirations, a new day begins

I look into the mirror and expect to see me,
but it is not me that I see
Well, it is, but truly it is not me
I expected to see a face healthy and full of life
Instead I see one that is ghastly and full of strife
Instead of bright eyes, hers are gaunt
Instead of rosy cheeks, hers are sallow, sunk
My lips I'm sure are of a healthy hue
Not hers, they appear to be blue
"This is not me!" I yell at the mirror of me
Then my image smiles and whispers "soon"
At this I take flight
My entire being filled with fright
All the while I hear her laughing
*Coming from within the mirror in my room

Sitting in front of the vanity
Going thru the motions of getting ready
Glancing at the floor
seeing myself lying there
fetal position, wailing

Sitting watching TV
With the love of my life
Glancing at the walls
seeing myself throwing the remote
breaking whatever I can, yelling

I'm at work
Talking to my colleagues
looking at their faces
punching everyone

Going into my room
Looking at my youngest
He's sleeping peacefully
Seeing myself holding him
Trying to keep his hallucinations
His depression
His suicidal thoughts
All at bay…

This I do
I hold him
Only as a mother can
Praying to God
To heal his mind
Knowing this, this is why

Why I see myself
Lying on the bathroom floor
Breaking whatever I can
Physically assaulting my coworkers

All I can do is pray
All I can do is hope
Pray and hope for my child
For him to be better
For him to thrive

I'll never let you read this, I hope you know. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.  I wasn't supposed to fall. I was going to keep us in the friend zone, but on this I failed. I did want one night with you, heck maybe even two. I got those nights and then some. No, it wasn't supposed to happen.  Feelings were not meant to intrude. The line was drawn from the begining, but over it I stepped.  Before I stepped I  believe that you started to erase it. The line is no longer there. In its place confusion, butterflies. So what do I do now? How do I proceed? I tried hard to stay in my friend spot not wear my heart upon my sleeve. It now bleeds turning my hands red. It beats in rythm with yours now. It calls to my soul saying "I'm ready".

In the bustle of this day
I find myself not knowing how to say
How to tell a mother her only son is gone
How to tell a lover, you are the one
How to tell the priest, I've committed sin
How to tell it all and it not **** you in the end
How do you do this and keep yourself sane
How do you do this and not cry when it rains
I have yet to find my way
Have yet to find it never, never till today.

Thunder rolling across the night sky
Electricity charges the air
The wind blowing
Rain cascading down

She dances in the storm
Arms open wide above her
Smiling like a lunatic
As she let's chaos take her

With every fork of lightening
She bends her neck down
And every clap of thunder
She throws it back

Her dark hair flows behind her
During this her rain dance
With each drop of rain
She dances faster

There is a fire in her
It cannot be contained
It will not be snuffed out
Even dancing in the rain

The church dimly lit by candles
The procession begins
Alter servers in white with crimson ropes
Solemn, quiet, mournful
They proceed to their destination
The priest lays prostrate before the alter
His crimson vestment starts to glow
The moon in all her beauty shines through
the glass of our Lord's home
Service begins
The Passion read
Our holy Cross brought forth
Chaste, mournful lips kiss our Lord's feet
Tears are shed is silent sobs
Our King has died
We look forward for three days
Trying hard to remember he rises
Knowing the end of the story
Yet still heart's break
Our King has passed
As silently as service began
It is finished
Into His hands we commended our spirit

I was asked
"Is the glass half empty, or half full?"
I answered, "the glass is refillable"
But they do not understand
How long it has taken to get to that
The medicines I take
The mantras I repeat
Every minute, hour, day
The fact I submerse myself in life
Trying to find that "normalacy"
The medicines help
They keep my monster locked away
At least, I like to think they do
It is still there
Taunting me behind bars
Attempting to break free
Devour me with its darkness
I may seem normal
Happy-go-lucky
But they don't see
How much I fight
To keep the monster from me

He calls on the phone
We say hello
He says "I love you"
He then let's go

He walks in my dreams
I catch a glimpse during the day
His cologne lingers in the house
He comes to see me somedays

He's become the ghost
The ghost of what once was
He holds me in his ghostly presence
He holds me for real, a few times a month

He's the ghost of my dreams
He's the ghost of the day
He's the ghost of cologne
He's the ghost of which I pray

He's the ghost of the phone
He's the ghost of hellos
He's the ghost of I love yous
*He's the ghost of let go's

Two ships pass in the night

                   I on one
               you another

A berg unnoticed they hit
Start to sink in the dark abyss
Onto life rafts we climb

                  I on one
             you another

The rolling waves of life's seas
Bring us back to shore
Beaten, tattered, torn
Brush ourselves off
Cling to the joy of surviving
Walk upon the beach of salvation

                  I and you
        upon the same sand

*ships pass no more

How can I tell you
What I'm going through
How my life's been flipped
When your face came into view

How can I tell you
What's wrong with me today
Why I'm acting cold
When it's you who made me this way

How can I tell you
That you're the only one I want
Even though you hurt me
Made me feel empty gaunt

How can I tell you
I forgive you of this
I know we got close too fast
But I sure miss your kiss

How can I tell you
I wish I knew how
I guess I'll just write it
Maybe you'll see this and want the same too

I hear the yip of the coyotes
Their mournful cries call to me
Beckoning to come and run free
To leave all heartache in the town
Come and run, prey we have found  
Shed the shell that keeps you caged
Run with us, free your rage
Care no more for all you hold dear
Come with us, we will be your family here
Alone you will not be
Just come run with us, be free  
Their call so enticing
I want to go, be with them
What holds me back, I do not know
Time is up, here I go

Feel!
don't touch

See!
close your eyes

Breathe!*
hold your breath

Talk!
don't speak

Hear!
close your ears

Love!*
Hate!
happy*
sad

Hold on!
let go

Fly!
yet fall

SCREAM!!
only on the inside, don't make a sound

cry
don't let the tears fall

Stop!
Go!
smell the roses
they are dying

STOP! YELL! SCREAM!

*shhh!

Fifteen years
since we were dealt the sting
I remember clearly
the black eye it did bring

Our eagles shrieked
Outrage in their cries
As mother freedom
Shouted to the sky

We fell to our knees
But only for a moment
We stood up defiantly
Our rage, we owned it

Lest not we forget
That fateful day
Why our soldiers fight
Why to God we can still pray

It is not over
Not by any means
We still have a score to settle
To have our freedom forever ring

Clickety-clack
Clickety-clack
Here on the railroad track

Shadows dance around me
Unknown if they are real
Cool fingers touch me
Up my spine sending chills

But I hear nothing except the
Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack
As I walk down
The railroad track

Under a ladder
I have walked
A black cat in front of me did dart
the mirror I was holding
Fell and shattered
Now perches an owl in my path
Beak opening to speak
All I hear is *Clickety-clack

Clickety-clack
Clickety-clack
As I stand now
Upon the railroad track

Bright light in my view
I know what it's of
Horn blares into the night
It's sound envelopes me like a glove

But I am deaf to it
For all I hear is
Clickety-clack
Clickety-clack
As I lay down
On the railroad track

Silence is best
Laying here to rest
The last sound I hear
Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack
                    *my heart, give it back...

The tears come today
A dam opened
Unable to stop their accosting ways
The day approaches closer
With it seems this line
The one we erased
Drawn again
I don't know why
Painful it is to see
This white chalk line
Drawn so between
As my day approaches closer
Further away
You seem to be

All around the merry-go-round
Hearts are left in pieces
She skips on by
She stomps them some more
Fate! never ceases....

A tale as old as time
snake in the grass
Wrapping itself around
Whispering into the ears of innocence
forked tongue
One for truth
other lies
How it seamlessly intermingles them both
So eloquent it speaks
Lacing words together
How it's tail swipes
the sting unfelt
Due to hypnotizing words
Then he strikes
A fall from grace
Truth unfolds
*Tale as old as time...

In the mountains of old
A sword rests having just been forged
Waiting now for the respectful keep
All bow to revenance of thee

Years will pass before claim is made
One whom has a soul that bleeds
Broken yet still fights
One who loves with all might

The sword shall rest until such time
For the one whom she has in mind
Forged she was off blood, sweat, and tears
Lays in wait for years

One has come who demons have fought
Gallantly trodded the Devils lot
Ripped was the heart of this keep
Only to love again wholeheartedly

Once eyes were set upon this sword
Her beauty seen from the delicate forge
Though covered in dust from years of wait
The keep takes her as is fate

The winter wind she blew hard and strong
Tearing away securities
With it, my very own heart song

She blew so hard, so fierce
Power went out all around                
Within the darkness my heart skipped precious beats

She blew this way for eternity, two days
Keeping the travelers in port
Keeping my lust, my fibrillating heart at bay

When she finally blew her last breath
All was still and bright
Except my heart, that ceased in those two nights

Inside a square box
So airy and light
My children laughing and playing
Everyone dressed in white
Then the sound of laughter stops
A dimness in the box
Slowly everyone leaves
Taking the light
Darkness begins its reign
My best steps up
Looks me straight in the eye
She then turns and goes
Taking with her, her light
The man I believe is with me
Turns to me and smiles
But it is not pleasant
It is feral, wild
He whispers words, turns and goes
"Never was" hits me in the gut
Lights are gone
A black hole is now my box

She stands so stoic upon her place
Watching the hustle and bustle in this Christmas race
She sees the light of wonder in the child's eyes
A wonder of what Santa may bring tonight
She is afraid that the meaning is gone
Listening to them sing all of Santa's Christmas songs
Then a hush fell upon the home
Lights were dimmed and a single candle shone
The family of three then left the tree
To the alter they went, in front of the nativity
They fell upon their knees in humbled grace
Thanking God for giving His only son for Mary to raise
The angel then smiled under her stoic face
Seeing that this family, the true meaning, did not forsake

Granny get your gun
The house will soon be overrun
Momma grab your boys
Take them to the cellar
Tell 'em to stay from the killer
Now's not the time to play hero
Granny get your gun
Momma grab your sword
The men have left
All up to you
The terrorist come
Granny get your gun
Time to have some fun
Barricade the yard
No time for bombs
Momma use your charms
Granny has the gun
Aim is sure sweet
She'll knock 'em off their feet
Momma used her charm
Lured them to the yard
Boys kept safe
Still to young to play
But Granny has the gun

Set the stage for silence to commence
Silence is hear to play
Her unending hymn
A docile happenstance

Silence
Such a comforting sound
It is the soothsayer
Calming me down

Flip the stage for chaos is here
Drowning out the silence
Feeding my soul
Removing the deafness from my ears

Chaos
My wild unending self
Scrapes at my mind
Revitalizing my inner wealth

Silence or chaos
I thrive in both
One let's my demon out
The other my ghosts

The soulful wail of the guitar
The beautiful voice of the lead singer
The bass and the drums reverberating through us
Tearing at the souls of the audience
Making our souls cry while our eyes stay dry
Our hearts left breaking in a million pieces
All the while we bob our heads and think of loves lost deep in the subconscious
Not understanding why we feel so lonely,  lost
Why we feel our hearts are being ripped from our chest                            
Play on soulful guitar, sing beautiful voice, encompass our bodies bass and drums
Sing our heartache like only you can.

Why do I still feel drunk
Why is it that the trashcan and I have become best friends
Why am I still so dizzy
I didn't go past my limit
Last night has many holes in the story
Did I really do that or is it a placed memory
How did I come to having my shoes off
What would have happened if I didn't have my friend
How did I make it home in the morning
A twenty minute drive took sixty
Couldn't hardly move when I made it to my bed
Except to lean over my new friend trashcan
Call a bud come help quick
Line started, bolus given
Stay until I crash
Hot/cold, shivers and hallucinations
Thank God for my night friend
I could have been a statistic
Roofie it may have been

Pick me up and read me
You find the title intriguing
Stroll your fingers down my spine
As you anticipate what you will find
Gently you open me up
Caress the pages of my book
You start to skim right through me
Then find you're lost
Knowing you must truly read me
Starting again from the begining
You take in all the yearning
Slowly, methodical you read
Knowing you should stop
But larger to learn is the need
Then you come across an empty page
The story is not over you sense
You begin to feel dismayed
Out of nowhere there is a pen
You start a new chapter*
*You let yourself in....