pictures of past lovers are looked through the eyes of a woman scorned
dragged down into the depths of hell
by a fiery monster that mishandles me
striking yellow eyes
each breath felt on my bruised skin
he mutilates me for fun
my screams echos through the empty corridors of hell
all the while having to watch my past over and over again
made to relive each moment magnified
torture would have been a far lessor punishment
my face has to remain neutral as i look at pictures of lovers past under the careful gaze of others

the anger in my ever grows
these men they toyed with me as if i was not human
in there eyes my soul did not breath
i was no more than a second thought
i run through the corridors
trying to open doors while trying to stay out of the clutches of my captor
i need the find the door to mercy
i stumble
broken the monster finds me

once i dream t of living a quarter mile at a time
conquering land after land
nothing to hold me back just endless fields of dreams
each night i worked the field
my wings knew flight and soared ever higher above trees
when something went wrong the undo button fixed it
life would be continues perfect moments
staring at the white roof colored by my own world
always the same
tragic love poem written in eternity
two people meet over hot coffee
empty cafe, rainy night
casually chatting and laughing
instantly connecting
she sells herself for a moment
desperate to feel love
he buys her moment to hide his own need to lick his wounds
wounded people searching for love struck a deal
she never knew it was her smile that convinced him
no women has ever graced him with that honor
what follows is some time for adjustment, the drama
brutal fighting with his father, the action
she is not spoken for, the ******
eventually he realizes his deep seeded love for her
defend her honor
make babies and raise cattle

a perfect ending

closing my eyes i sea them
across the big water
they wait for me
not sure to welcome me or shun d me

early morning the river pulls back into slumber
revealing faint but visible tracks
the dead crossed over and visited
who did they visit?
standing outside the windows watching
never moving
all you know is the airy feeling you get

they promise you peace on their *****
against the backdrop of a cruel world
it looks so inviting
what a mirage
i force my eyes open
red blood shot
i wash my face and stair into the eyes of the one looking back
lost in the world reflected

niemand behalwe ek ken die krag van jou hartklop van binne. dus die eerste ding wat ek gehoor het. dit het my gekalmeer en gese moenie bekommerd wees nie ek is hier, altyd. gevolg deur 'n rustige stem wat die wind kalmeer. die het gesing en gebid oor my. gesondheid was die meeste gevra. die stem het baie gepraat. dit was goeie tye vir my. al wat ek graag vergeet is die tye wat jy en die ander stem gestry het. dan het jou stem verander na hartseer en bedroef. trane het jou wange gevul terwyl jou arms my omvou het. al stywer en stywer. so belangrik was ek.

die groot dag, jy het gese jy gaan jou hare eers was, maar toe versnel die hartklop en dinge gebeur wat ek nie begryp het nie. jy het ernstig siek geword en nog alleen by die huis. jou arm om my hospitaal toe. ek is gebore saterdag 25 mei 1985.

skielik was ek alleen en weg van my geliefde klop. jy was in 'n diep slaap. mense gehardloop om ons om als weer reg te maak. ai opwindende oomblik. Maar geen arms wat omvou en rustige stem wat bekend is nie. net vreemdheid.

a praying family . . .
only are person decides what to pray about
the usual, a rhyme, well known and nice
covers the basis
but does the listener listens
no, she stopped long time ago
busy with the mice in her head
k nibbling at fantasies, a free world
childhood habit, stills works
my brain remembers
it empty prayers
no conviction

a family that prayers together  . . . to keep the peace
what about peace of mind, soul and spirit
they don't count, unimportant
just peace to the prayer, he is happy
                          feels he did good
                          he kept all inline
                          they know there place

hora, a great head of the family

Dear C, you are a good friend of mine
but you will never know how much i despise your skin
your soul is pure and love flows
your skin resembles all i hate about my country
you will never understand the yellow monster
his eyes tell it all
you are not human, no soul
just a peasant born to serve
how dare you breath what about speak
unthinkable that you can think
once you have seen the monster
innocence lost forever
no turning back
an anger that build in the chest
energy build in the muscles for action
action fueled by the pounding anger
action against my oppressors

God safe me from this anger, only you can.

thee oppressed hold on tight as death
to God, now i know why

now i understand mum and dads anger
yes i also joined that group now
question each nice gesture from a goose
'the only good goose is a dead goose'
now i understand

stuck in a life i don't want
working a dead end job
surrounded by people i don't trust
hungry status dad
no close bonds
back covered in stab wounds
stuck in a cycle 8-5
day after day no roses, no coffee, just hell
what a mess of an existence
wish someone can give me directions
mum would have known the right action plan

one death, one life
left me defenceless directionless
punishment for unknown great sin
oh God, dad freed to relive youth misled one
. . . .  twice
i never got a change for care free youth
what great sin that cannot receive mercy?

mum married her love
rose covered eyes
ended serving an ungrateful master
finding fault with fault finding
inglorious *******, his mother should have strangled him at birth

it cost her, her life
she loved him to her dieing breath
she fulfilled her duty to the T

now you want me to forget and grand you a 2nd marriage
oh my God repeat of the 1st grant performance
a new opera will be build
new players and costumes to make you scream and cry at once
you will be deliriant with joy and pain
equal amount competing for your soul
all to serve the god if status and money
no. i do not grant thee anything
you owe me a childhood of love
              teenage years of caring
              grown up years of leading
instead you work as fault finder
all day, all night, over consuming

talent truly follows hard work and dedication
re-reading the words of my soul
i could have been great by now
non the less i found my voice again
hidden among the dust of time
entering from the cold night
field of forgotten memories at the back
running forward the future calls
may i be great with hard work and endurance

its scary people will see my soul
the words will echo my struggles
my demon relived and revealed
over and over and over
is this really what i want?

try as you might
your dictated actions will never dictate mine
by the grace of my God
my actions shall be my and my choosing alone
not if it pleases thee
i will not live on my knees
i will serve no master
i will not be dictated to
you forget just my clean conscience needed
not both of ours
for a deep night sleep
your actions clearly misplaced hostility
actions not thought through
when investigated , ooh bad spot light
your honesty wont save this ship
too little too late

someone's head will be needed for the crowd
appeasement if you will
my money is on you
or will black mail save you once more
lets be honest, you know no other way
the game played by secrets

"if it pleases my Lord? Yes it pleases thee"
made famous by the English
formal gibberish saying nothing
well phrased for max words zero knowledge
this is ingrained in there offspring
Jackal smile and fancy words
the goose that could lay no egg
alas injustice is a good egg
penny wise pound foolish
the grandest motto ever
how proud can you feel, wallowing in mud and smiling
being led by the noise, following bread crumbs
who is the real servant and who is the master?

i know you have lost control
you serve the master you choose, thought it
would have been an envy apparent
you wee outsmarted, not outgunned

but know this my master owns it all
creator of all
master of all

i can Imagen the endless potential of my world
free of knowing "my place"
no boring old broken time machines
just open white space
hungry for fresh ideas and experiments
this is my dream, my desire, my hope
me rid of this stupid wrong labelled box
just me, Karin, just Karin

i don't like this world i was born into
it praised cowards and anoint liars
crucify truth speakers and freedom fighters
real leaders are played down and ridiculed
they promote brainless followers, zombies
all for love of money and power
" see i can squash you"
just try and breath without permission

my box is labeled ******, gull-able  joke, incapable, stupid, unteachable, bad writer and much much more

i want to be free of this box
it's killing me slowly, ******* my bones dry
i peek out
  - blue swollen eyes
  - broken bones
  - crushed soul

someday. . . .

you move restless impulsive, loud but empty
on the prowl, easy naive prey
you are a true merchant of death
surrounded by bought smiles
one day you call in the debt mercilessly
karma will call your debt in to, maybe already
my eyes won't have the pleasure to see
God knows best

your face, once a clean canvas
reveals the truth, death merchant
life was easy
conveniently forgetting there is a god ,watching

each brush stroke reveals more truth
choice in color, an educated eye interprets
cracks revealed- you old cracked painting
discarded - life is cruelest when you are old
a new painting painted over a discarded death merchant

an era forgotten
wiped clean - the end

raised after 1994 post-apartheid
i was thought ultimate freedom is a birth right
more so to the previously dis-advanced
i had freedom, i thought
till i met the big un-penetrable white wall
the descendants from apartheid
racism covered by nice words, teaching and helping
meaning we govern you, you are incapable of self govern
a wall that claims land for a 'superior race'
claims entitlement as payment for teaching and helping

a wall that destroys the human soul
drives the light from eyes
dries young people's bones
a wall that butchers equal to the inquisition
salt, cayenne, lemon rubbed into emotional wounds

"a stolen ox is eaten and forgotten,
but stolen land remains in the eye"
martin Luther king wrote the dream speech 1963
that dream is still just that, a dream
words on paper
hope in the eyes of non-whites
but no closer to reality
the white wall holds

raised after 1994 post-apartheid
i was thought ultimate freedom is a birth right
more so to the previously dis-advanced
i had freedom, i thought
till i met the big un-penetrable white wall
the descendants from apartheid
racism covered by nice words, teaching and helping
meaning we govern you, you are incapable of self govern
a wall that claims land for a 'superior race'
claims entitlement as payment for teaching and helping

a wall that destroys the human soul
drives the light from eyes
dries young people's bones
a wall that butchers equal to the inquisition
salt, cayenne, lemon rubbed into emotional wounds

"a stolen ox is eaten and forgotten,
but stolen land remains in the eye"
martin Luther king wrote the dream speech 1963
that dream is still just that, a dream
words on paper
hope in the eyes of non-whites
but no closer to reality
the white wall holds

a true African queen
bore and raised me
with mighty prayers and tears
worked her fingers to the bone
desperate to keep my needs satisfied and more
always fidgeting over me
me ignorant and selfish
misused a mothers love and affection
i sowed with her tears
bitter sad lonely water filled eyes
now i reap with grey clouds
honor they mother the commandments say
me laughed and mocked it
my days are no longer laughing
tears wet my cheeks, mamma
please, i beg you
please forgive my selfish ways
a godly mother always praying
thank god

yes it's right, i am an abomination
created to gods own image
i am a gorgeous African queen
black, with ***** hair
fearless words, not watered down by lies, i speak
freedom my journey, never a servant
no other copy of me created

you look down at me
speak rough and loud
treat me like a beggar
down play my ideas
ignore my 150% at work

all this to keep me in my place
i pity you
your eyes tell it all, i need a beating to be put right
snake ***** gets kinder eyes
see how nice uneducated barbarian writes

keep me in my place?
keep me in my place!
keep me in my place

i had the maturity to stand behind my words
no apologies, no excuses, no doubt
you chose your actions and words
my reprimand by another
you could not face me
apparently not your style
you wrote it ! your words and actions
they shiver with cold
guilt got you ring-fencing, a meeting
my public disgrace and punishment
all laid bare
was my secret, to protect me self esteem
a quick death, swift and silent
you took my power
you felt proud, i showed her, she knows her place
you lonely old man
surrounded by bought smiles
retirement a true test
i pity you
don't be a coward now
be the maturity you claim to present
stand behind your harsh words
razor sharp
that rip to the core
pointless butchering
cold death stare is born
you claim righteousness
be proud, stand behind, no ! claim your words and actions

freedom in art
freedom in heart
freedom in expression
freedom of soul
deep understanding of expression
nourishing the mind
ever challenging
forward, keep moving, forward
freedom lived
freedom experienced
no words needed
the body moves, demand visible power
painful endurance for tender moment
graceful beyond delicate
captured in time, echoes for ever
what time, what space, its an illusion
eyes surrounded by deep dimples
flowing hair, expressing mouth
ooh how elegant the wine has become, well aged
the body demand respect in movement
the heart resilient
the mind always moving, wanderer
oh how beautiful the art of freedom

My Journey
once young i believed of a world made of ice-cream and chocolates
i believed in air castles
i dreamed of the tooth fairy
friends was best friend forever for life
long hair was important, weight unimportant
dad and mum was super heroes
the world was at my feet waiting to be conquered
volcano's erupted
wars came and went
people died and were born
poverty came and went
governments changed
i grew up, the chocolate and ice cream melted
i woke up in a sticky mess

what happened
i forget the most important ingredient of all
god my father, my keeper, my salvation and joy
as it all came crashing down and storms whirled he held my hand
even when i questioned my creator and accused him of doing a bad job
his love and dedication never wavered
thank heaven for that mercy

i've searched my life time for unmovable inner peace and joy
though i was a bad made when i could not find it
now i know
money cant buy
only god the father can lead you to it
only the father can restore my air castles, my world of ice-cream, chocolates, cappuccino and balloons
i left he tooth fairy behind
i was blessed with new better friends
and my super hero's was re employed :)
i am truly living my dream without the crowd, competitiveness, chaos and speed of modern life

the future awaits
my captain is at the helm
what more can a girl ask for

photos old and new
remind me of you
special moments only i know of
brings anxiety and alienation
i crawl into my corner and just cry
burry my head in my knees and elbows
here i will be safe behind the door on the closet floor under the bed hiding
i fear the world
i watch the world continue
tried buying a ticket
wanted to make you proud
now your crying
i miss my old life
wish i had a undo button
i miss you soo much
words cant express
my sadness
the world just moved on no pause
i often wonder what you would say right now right here
would you be mad at me for my mistakes
would you scoul me
would you just embrace me
what would you do
i think you will just hold me and promise everything will be ok from now on
you will press me to your chest and just hold me
some day well look back and laugh/ smile
on how silly i was
i miss you mum

EACH SUNRISE IS A PROMISE OF NEW
A CHANGE TO CORRECT THE PAST ,A WRONG LIFE
OUR SOULS REJOICE AT A NEW DAY
THE SEARCH CONTINUES, WE NEVER REALIZE THE ANSWER IS INSIDE
WE SEARCH FOR OUR CREATOR IN EVERYTHING, EACH ON THE SAME JOURNEY, DIFFERENT ROADS
WE SEARCH, OUR MASTER
TAKE COURAGE AND ACKNOWLEDGED
THE GOD OF ALL
NO GREATER LOVE EVER EXISTED
HE IS EVER PRESENT, EVER FAITHFUL
OUR SOULS KNOW HIS VOICE
OUR MINDS RESIST, A GAME WE PLAY

I ASKED HIM TO PROOF HIS AFFECTION FOR ME
WITHOUT FAIL I RECEIVED LOVE AND WAS MADE WHOLE
THE IMPOSSIBLE REALIZED IN SECONDS
NO DOUBT EXIST IN ME
I AM LOVED BY MY BELOVED
MY SOUL TIED ONLY TO THEE

OOH SHE GONNA TOUCH ME
A WHITE WOMAN I DONT KNOW
OHK WE CAN DOT HIS JST BREATH
DONT FORGET, AIR IN AIR OUT AND REPEAT
SHE TOUCHING ME
RUN !
THE VOICE SAYS NO, SHE IS A DOCTOR
SHE HAS TO TOUCH TO INVESTIGATE
THIS TO MUCH FOR ME, I FORGOT TO BREATH
ITS ONLY A MASSAGE, NO BIG DEAL

FINALLY! SHE IS DONE
UNTIL NEXT WEEK
WHEN I FREAK OUT AND FORGET TO BREATH, AGAIN

my heart bleed, my soul cries
someone walking the path i walked but mush worst need help
my cous reaches to his Bro ,but he to held on the past
the weaker one has fallen
oh god help please help
how can you turn your back on a mentally sick person
" i am struggling"
mental illness is a struggling, broke is a breeze
i know, i have seen the monster
we best buddies now, living together, cuddling and stuff
showing him back to the one that is braking him, destroying piece by piece
she doesn't care for him, if she did she would get him help
why am i the only one that sees
the self destruction coming
oh god! protect us
he screams muffled creams for help, no one cares, no one hears

money is not everything
mental health is

i wandered for a long time
among thorns, disease and death
no glimmer to see
feel the walls, feel the cave,it leads you out
i found many Christian doors
locked with big heavy chains
you preach "come Ye weary"
to locked door?!
Christian followers preach beautiful
words divinely chosen for impact
no temperature ever checked
walk among bibles, oil and cloths
dance in praise
blow the battle horn
But But But
who sees those wandering in the dark standing before closed doors for help

closed doors mean" banishment to the Barron out field
red sin covered land
mercy irrelevant
demanding cruel deity
pleased with nothing
pushes self destruction
cries are stamp on
more pain more glory
damage soul the goal
your pleadings are laughed and spit upon
the glorious hellish Barron outfield

do you allow this dear reader?
do you have closed doors?
i lived in the outfields now i'm home thank God
my Guardian through prayer opened a door for me
now i know, now i know
follow the true Christ

upon marriage your blood signs a covenant
with a firm i do
before god and the community
upon my 1st breath a covenant was signed
you want praise for a physical abuse free home
how dare you
marriage described as playing with the mouse
your plaything taken by god
he gave you, he took away
you didn't keep your covenant
you broke and destroyed a young woman
she died in a gilded Gage
no-one knows the truth, you think
i was there
i saw, i remember, small but present
emotional abuse rang the bell
i begged for divorce from you
many a time
you married "your" mother,
she married" her" father,
one contract different expectations
a broken covenant
children are a gift from god,
my sisters both died, i lived
i was/am nothing in your eyes
the covenant

the covenant
a precious reminder of gods enduring love
never wavering always the same
each generation
constant and faithful
written in in ancient language of the stars
upheld by blood
not black on white
birth is the seal
the contract cannot be void
even in death
responsibility , accountability follows
a shadow watching, recording every mistake, every achievement
humans cannot keep there word, god always keep
punishment is sure
only saved by repentance
heavenly beings lost touch with the true source
became earthly citizens

to page a book
pages covered with words in black
my inner  most translated into words
touching the paper formed by a pen point
awakens my soul
a fire always lit stokes by seeing how far
how far i have come to this
words are my life
my existence, cannot be without
drinking warm milk to sleep
with my teddy like a youth relived
alas this how i need to cope with tomorrow
my inner most private thoughts on paper
just for me to read
daily practise to become greatness
determined by my journey
the only hope i have left is my words

maturity admired exaggerated by far
assumed mutual care
me, stepped on Satans tail
ignoring elder warnings
believing Satans whispers
building, dreaming forging forever happiness on a whisper, sweat whisper
i enjoyed the dripping yellow whisper
smooth clear honey, flowed
my deity please remember me think me
i Begg for my soul, please mercy
please release my soul
ties that bind, please destroy
by faith alone, a righteous prayer
my redeemer lives
standing on faiths shoulder, my enemies crumble and fall
father please forgive an ignorant youth no more
old spit out toy, emotionless
the road is hard, please carry me
by faith alone, by faith alone

passion and pain love and war
infused in coffee and faith
playful although aged
able to love at will
not silenced by a harsh life
wide eyed amazement looks with glitter eyes
my dream for me in age

chewed up and spit out
used and recycled
written out and written off
this is reality of my world
life is hard may time be kind and gentle
look up, see heaven
not my dream for me in any age

mum made it look easy
in high heels and a smile
her stride where smooth
after two years it not any easier
i got use to it
not what i wanted for young vibrant me

someday endless days of laughter
no tears or sadness
just joy
my dream for me

peoples mouth's open and close
i see there lips moving and expressions on the face
I don't hear anything?
blah blah blah never real words
no, i am not deaf
sounds fill space but nothing worthwhile connects
wireless communication. instant messaging. one button dial
things are loved people are purposely overlooked and used
money wasted on motivational speaking
hours convincing the self: "i am right they need a lesson"
make believe bandages running with harness

love exchanged for Pandoras box
if I only knew then what I knew now, would have chosen....
wishes are well intended feathers on the wind
God catches them at the end of the world
he reads them with water filled eyes
original sin we all followed loud and proud
foolish Independence
we all assume to want the same, mostly love, how come?
we give up in a whimper, lack of endurance?
how colder the storm greater the harvest - grandpa

a soul desperate for salvation and peace
yet, motivated to strive
follow the curve in the walls,
feel it, listen ,it speaks
breath breath breath
you will touch light eventually or die trying