Can I give myself back to myself, after months of being lost in this whole other different part of me. Would that be acceptable now?

i love
you
with locked elbows
and tight fists.
one keeps you
at a distance
where i can see
your every move
but the other
keeps you
from running away.

My irises are a force of continuum
Pulling you closer and closer
Until you're drunk off my mesmerization
Like a love spell, but it's real

What am I to do?
When I can't trust

the one I might love
but I don't love

because I can't
because he doesn't
but I might

and in all I just don't know
and I just want to understand

how he feels
how I feel

how anyone can feel!
when thinking makes feeling so complicated!!!

I can't keep up
my mental capacity is failing
and all I can do is wish

wish I could talk to him

for real about reality
about what is going on
is anything going on!?

wish I could trust him

forget the past
better yet not have a past
just erase it all

wish I could understand him

he says he cares
yet how can he care
when all he does is hurt me

When you fixated on parts of me
You reduced me to those things.
I loved you,
So I swallowed the hurt,
And I swallowed the sad,
And I gave you everything that I had.
I became what you wanted,
I sliced off those body parts
And sent them to you, reluctantly, at first
But a starving dog will beg for a bone;
When I saw that was all that I could hope for
I let you cut me up.
I sent you segments of me.
But the one part that you never asked for
Wept and wept, waiting for your love
Waiting, in vain, crying, in pain.