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its been
six days
since ive seen you
and eight days
since you
have tried to see me
but
24 days
since we've been alone
and
38 days
since i last held you close

i once predicted
when we were happy and together
that if i lost you
it would not shock me immediately
but rather
hit me piece by piece
and that losing you
would slowly **** me
as a lack of happiness in my life
and that's what happened

it's winter break
and i've been laying in bed for the past five days
it's like i need your touch
to sustain me
and i need your words
to get myself out of bed
winter break
where we promised we'd spend
every day together
and maybe i would have gotten snowed in
at your house
(in a worst case situation, of course)
but instead
i'm laying bed
5.9 miles away
from where i want to be
and you're spending every day
with your best friend
and she's beautiful
just like you
while i'm laying here
regretting my decision
of calling it quits
far too early
because i need you
i say that i am
"so done with estrogen"
you might not understand

im tired of the stretch marks
on these sacred double D's
tired of all the boys
who don't take me seriously
im tired of the looks
when i wear a shirt that's deemed too low
im tired of the acne
my young teenage skin shows
im tired that i hate you
and that we can't be close
because you are my mother
it should not be so.
im sorry that i was up at two am
and cried because i have no friends
blame it on my "***"
or whatever you would like
im sorry that it happened, just another part of teenage life

im tired of not being able to walk home by myself
because i'm "fragile," and it's dangerous
im tired that i can't be tall
because i have no *****
and being ashamed of my physical traits
when i really have no reason
im tired of putting on makeup
whenever i go out
using dyed red chemicals
to perfect my pout
im tired of being paid less
than my male counterpart
and being stopped by a glass ceiling
when i try to work
im sorry that im here
i know that i should be at home
caring for some children, or talking on the phone
i just had to tell you
that there's meaning behind my words
when i say that im "so done with estrogen"
im really saying much more
 Jan 2014 Kaye Canter
Oli Nejad
The wall of slate,
Once thought too high -
To gaze beyond;
As all things, dies.
 Jan 2014 Kaye Canter
Oli Nejad
I can't describe -
How the yearning hides.

How it waits
Until the dead of night,
To wear upon the mind.
Depression is not a grey mist hanging over everything, it is the absence of the grey mist that 'normal' people are accustomed to. They experience life in a muted way. We, as depressives, get the chance to experience the truth, for that moment, and it is so unbearably painful because it is real.
Seeing this reality is being exposed to the truth. We think. Does the truth lie?
Let's play a game,
She said to him.
I'll keep your heart,
In this tin.

Up on the shelf,
It will lie.
In my control,
You will die.

I'll share my love,
I'll be your fame.
I'll make you feel,
Like you're born again.

You'll find in me,
Your confidant,
Your talking tree,
Your agony aunt.

And when you fall,
For i'm sure you will,
In love with me,
All over again.

I'll take that tin,
The one with your heart.
And lock it in,
My cold, dark cupbord.

For you'll be mine,
And mine alone,
My simple pet,
My talking dog.

I'll make you dance,
I'll make you sway.
All alone,
In my dark cave.

And when i'm done,
With your heart.
Love will be,
All but a mirage.

And then the game,
Will find it's end.
And you will die,
Alone again
 Apr 2013 Kaye Canter
Lucy
I never did fall in Love with the train so much after I moved into this house just three long months ago. I have spent many short nights near it, allowing its strong and heavy heart beat to pound heavily throughout my dreams, along with its striking whistles and screams, disrupting, even awakening me at some moments. I use to envy the train, and dance near it within the darkest moments of the night. It used to read me stories in the sheer warmth and brightness of a day next to my dear oceans and stones. Its powerful vibrations would sweep through me; a calm disruption yet shattering danger; as if I would be so high that I would forget to move out of the way! Or strong arms wrapped around, as if to protect me from my own danger.  This was my train.

And when I would first come to visit this house, it was the train that brought my heart pleasure. I would run up to its rusty frame, and speak of old technology and street art and sing along with all those noises that would penetrate the air!

“It is my culture! It was my home!” I would say.

All its great horns and moving. It rumbles on through, with no warning or consequence, shifting our city and angering young men in cars.

(And I think some men need to be angry.)

And Today I fell back in Love. My cigarette on porch step, she came through like an old friend. Although today my train looked sad. She was not moving so quickly, and struggled to cross. But I know why she slowed. Exposing bare metal and paints, we all needed this reminder, so we watched her strut slowly. Have I forgotten of good art?  This old grandmother of oil. Rattling my City; sweeping, grinding through.  Economists and Street Kids alike!  We all know of this train. Now lets watch it apart:

The old man near the tree does not have a home, though we watched it together. If he could, he would smile and kiss me on the cheek, though we both know I could never accept such kindness. You see, this neighborhood is the sort where kind neighbors come door-to-door asking for spare cigarettes rather than sugar, and where beer and ******* could be considered a better party.  So I shook her hand once, and exchanged good smiles and smokes, spoke shortly on the porch of our hobos and trains, and agreed in mutuality that we Loved our strange home.  

“This is such a great neighborhood with such character and jazz!”

Its roaming ground people, empty pockets and buildings, seeming so ******* ugly thus enchanting us all! That building like a tree lit up by the night, it was my great shining beacon directing me to light.

My rock.
My Land.
Earth.  

My rattling, tattered home, where I so nestle with Mine, my music, your screens.  Our Moon and your Sun.  And it blows…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
 Apr 2013 Kaye Canter
E
Untitled
 Apr 2013 Kaye Canter
E
Kiss me hard and kiss me deep
In the morning I shall not weep
Ease me into heavy slumber
Restless thoughts shall not wonder
Your smile I have never told
Melts my heart to liquid gold
Whisper softly in my ear
The melodies I want to hear
Tug and bend delicate strings
Conduct the song that my heart sings
Release me from your grasp, my dear
Unless you long to hold me near
Disguise, a tactic you learned best
Unsynced rhythm in my chest
The never-ending symphony
Morphed into a catastrophe
Bitterness and a vague answer
Diagnose me with a deadly cancer
Chants of demons in my head
My quaking body fills with dread
Falling debris from the ledge
Standing at a quarry's edge
Flying through the stolen night
For the first time I can see the light
Drown yourself in the guilt
Demolish walls you carefully built
Intent destruction I never will forgive
Because I had to die to live
Fate.




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