I continuously feel guilty

because there's always someone to disappoint
always someone to look the other way

is this what it's like to be the bigger person?
is this what it means to agree to disagree?

these thoughts don't make sense

Pale faces and burned out mistakes. See, I can’t see your past on your face. But I can see what it has done to you

I can see the marks of joy and tears that have wrapped themselves around your eyes. Holding on a death grip

They will not fall

I see how social media has cropped out everyone you love
Blurred out what you wanted to say
I see how social media has made your reflection grainy
Make you confused on your true identity
See, you can’t pick your emotions like your photos
Can’t fake a real-life moment with a smile
Have others see the parts of you only those who have seen the worst should have the luxury of seeing

don't give them your good side

until they've seen you at the breaking point

I've met people I didn't think were human
and I've broken the human in me trying to figure them out

what to expect
you walk in the same and I think it'll be different
my heart knows
it always knows
-

I wasn't even looking and yet...
I still get hurt
-

you're shocking
unreal for this reality I'm living
but you're taking your time
and I'm taking mine;

we are clockwork ticking away together, in the company of sour patch kids and m&m's fallen through the crevices of the couch

as you progress through my bones I become stronger
as you progress through my lungs I breathe harder
as you progress through my skin I become softer

there is one person you can trust.

it's you,

that you'll stick by your side

no promises to break

no

you remind me of my future*
keep me in today, with you in your presence
it takes the smallest touch
the biggest smile
confident eyes; they know they like what they see
and they search deep into my soul, dive into the deep end of my heart
shredding love like water
you don't need to breathe underwater

he's taking it slow because he knows good things take time

i survived this Valentine's day alone

a prolonged fear~
that once you have, you will never have again. that once you take, you cannot take again. That what I had will never find it's way back. What I have is up to decide. The pit in my stomach does flips inside-instead of walking with an open mind. I'm worried. I really am

It’ll be a different kind of “I love you.”

not as harmful as the smoke entering an old lady’s lungs

Not as abrupt as a camflauge stop sign

Not as time consuming as old, rerun game Shows playing on loop while you sit and enjoy the company of your slowly dying grandma as she says goodbye. Slowly saying goodbye is much better than saying slowing dying

The spirit I seek
Is the only thing that can make me this whole

And I love it

Underneath my glittery lids and cheeks,

I am still glittering

Knowing he will try
Is much better than a lie

Some things are too good to be true
And others are just that good

Why is it I’d sacrifice my life for you but the moment you’re gone and your lies have swallowed any love in your heart

I start writing again

I start loving myself again.

“I’m not sure”


I said;

I am.

Goodbye

Across the table sits a leather black  chair with absolutely no meaning.

And me on the other side. Waiting for what’s gone to return, I have this problem where I never give up of hope

A month ago.

How much I miss it

I let my heart out to play...
Wasn’t watching it like a responsible person,

And it ran away

Come on...
What do you mean you don’t hate anyone? Neither do I. But I strongly dislike those who take others delicate offerings and handle them like yesterday’s trash. You can’t see this delicacy with your eyes, therefore I cannot see the damage. But this girl is no cracked up 1930s handmade pottery bowl from the southern region of France. She’s not an old vase that means something to your long deceased grandmother, so that means it must mean something to you. no. Not even close. Her heart is shaped like a diamond and others act as though she’s a rock and doesn’t know the difference between sincerity and deception. you can spin around her disoriented mind until you get your desired result. Because you take confusion for consent. Because you don’t take I don’t know for an answer. But maybe I really don’t know. Maybe I’m pushing the world back. Denying gravity and maybe a loss of reality. Climbing dumpsters to see what’s good. What’s sealed up. What isn’t contaminated. It’s like looking for affection in a heart that has been walked all over. I sigh when you say you hate someone. Because hate isn’t only a word like (me, her, she) it carries its own legacy and mountainous cliffs of anger. Literally it is a word. But when you’re a dreamer you only think figuratively- yellow and the sunlight are the same thing.

do the holidays have to happen on such untimely moments ?
I don't have the warmth of his presence cascading me into a field of dreams and loving on me until the end of time. I don't have the sound of angels whispering in my ears or something to make this holiday season feel special.
I have time. But I'd rather have you.

This Christmas I don't want to go see the family. Be reminded hes not beside me, be reminded he isn't in this family portrait. It doesn't feel jolly, and fine I'm the Grinch. But at least the Grinch has a dog by his side. One that loves him for all of his hatred.

you did nothing wrong. Not the couples on the street that walk merrily along the path of tomorrow. You did nothing wrong. My grandma asking why I. . .

no.

not even you.

you stole a moment from me. Do you take good care of it? The seconds you wanted to be with me, what do you do with those memories?

It will take time for my mind and heart to heal~ in a month I've fallen off the pedestal. I miss you. I miss us.

You said you love me
what does loving me mean?
walking away
not staying
turning your back
fraying

The most torture I would like for you to endure

is the memory of someone who adores you,
I hope i look beautiful in your visions,
and it hurts every inch of your heart
i hope it ties knots in your stomach
and you feel the burning singe of regret
and that it doesn't stop

my wish is for the night sky that one special night
colors your eyes
and the taste of my lips is what you crave

my wish is for you to love me
I wish it was the same

I'm left somewhere



where is to be determined

I will not try to hurt you, he said
I will just hurt you and leave you to the sea

I get it,
you just stopped loving me in the time it takes to catch a snowflake. Slowly melting the strings to an arrangement of two and all of this time you said: I love you. Like it was a phone and you answer the same question daily. It just spits out of your mouth with no hesitation- never once was there hesitation. Never once did the words run themselves through your body. You would have felt it. Love is an emotion. You can't tell me you feel nothing.

she breathed when the night rolled in, tried to capture the light one last time. held her breath till the morning when reality set in, extinguished her fear with the rising sun.

But I still worry. Is the worse yet to come?

is my life a curtain an inch open, I can't see what's coming but I see something.

Wait till your eyes dry to do this next step. Stand in the middle of nowhere it's the greatest feeling yet.

be so thrilled you don't know what you're doing,
it works,
I've tried

if the only thing you care about is your **** size,
you've got BIGGER problems.

I like your eyes right after you cry

crystal and repaired

I’m sorry I have run out of excuses
Nothing left to wave yet another red flag,

I didn’t because I didn’t and I’m sorry. I sleep in my moms bedroom until my dad goes to bed because I still feel safe, I still feel full of something

And I’m nothing without her.

I’m a tree in a forest,
Pretty strawberry blonde hair,
Hiding in the middle of the open,
Words to say but no one to express
Passing faces but nobody wants to stay
Been not showing up to work like I can live off of guilt

Can still be strong enough to march on when I’m holding onto a line of emotion that I have caused

today I strung along with my pink backpack and hat that didn't fit

I walked alone with the breeze and eyes that walked instead of feet

down to the place I always go, where I see people come in and out

of my view and nocturnal youth only knowing what they can see

I don't blame them for having more friends than me

for socializing and living

for that's who I am

and that's what I'm missing

but I stay tucked in my corner

in case the sky breaks

-

standing strong for as long as you can,
and sitting down to retrieve a breath

my routine
till death

-

The eyes of a woman hang low in the night and glance at no one but themselves, for some, relaxation doesn't exist and intensity persists. You can live tense but there wouldn't be much room left for you.
-

If is such an iffy word
If you can stand alone
Stand with arms wide open
Don't tell me you're alone
Ever

As I look back and see blue skies rippling without end and the gold of a morning sunrise, I am fine,

But every time I'm fine I cross the line of worry and my arms go numb and my legs won't sit still

I know things are fine
But that's just a ploy to get to my inner joy, a place so delicate that breakable is not soft enough

I am fine

-

but what if I don't feeling like falling in love?

I'm tired.

hope runs its fingers through knotted hair
and exhumes hearts that were laid to rest

a gravely thought surfaced in the head of
the ones who once did pirouettes
with their words, risked reality for the sake of dreaming,
everything's normal you just can't get hurt

hope runs its fingers through our lucky days
and assures us in time another will come
out of the bushes straight our way

it's the caboose, the last fall, the remainder of it all
it nests in hiding, look up
higher than you think possible
its dust has marked park benches
you wont see it until you put on glasses
you wont see it until you move one step forward

some days it doesn't come out to play
but it isn't a game, it's the key to
a door that has been locked for ages

look, I have closets full of combinations
that were destroyed under the flames of
pure misfortune,

I really do believe that through this quest, we will find that individual key

Once we do,
we come to life

you're always welcomed

no, I'm not looking for recognition on this road without an end. Lights flash behind my rear view sight, my stomach drops into my gut and I'm afraid. It slowly passes by and the relief drops me into an ocean 3,000 miles deep,

I have these dreams of different memories
sidewalks without ends and a
cranberry taste lingering within
reality doesn't exist because this
isn't real to me
-

justice isn't a word- a fragment broken off our people, the ones we are supposed to trust like storybooks read as we daze off
freedom isn't a word- it's a memory of something that didn't happen
a cold honest truth
of a wish no genie has found the power to grant

if there is such things tell me; where do I find waterparks of pride, or a place called freedom other than that gas station on left maple drive

is this not what we all want?
being mixed in this cycle, having our parents not sign that permission slip;
not have the knowledge of the feigned confidence they led would someday catch them

I want to write something more peaceful, leave out the abrupt stops and room for letters to roam free. Nearly every word so close they can almost touch but that wouldn't look right. I want you to not feel dragged along a bumpy road that jolts you every which way and it's not even fun. My worst nightmare would be to make you feel your watching a fuzzy black and white tv screen and feel the helplessness that I feel when writing this.

I know I can worry about EVERYTHING
so why worry?

why give fuel to the blinded fear that strangles every last thought, vanquishes any positive energy

human energy is a form of electricity
translates everyday happenings into something digestible

once the power goes out, replace it with a better version. It may take time, but everyone procrastinates as much as they lie

conserve energy by knowing when to stand still
when to fight would only enrage the hurting

say your piece, and let them say their's

we can all go home tonight

nobody is disabled
or perfectly able

sickened talk of lowering someone's worth due to the undying fact that you want to feel like the lucky one
Maybe it's not luck, maybe we are plagued with layers of dealing with hurt and our mind makes up different images. makes them look like a doe, that in a slim chance you can rise above and beyond

If you ask someone with a "so-called disability"
they say they wouldn't change a thing
they love who they are and who they are would never look like anyone else

they smile and have learned to appreciate every fine detail of the life they live

Wait till I build myself a home
With no walls, chairs, or a kitchen
...But for my love
A place I can store my love

I'm the person that's been living under a rock- AND LET ME TELL YOU it's been the best experience but most challenging in my life

Because rocks are overlooked like a lot of human beings, sought under the ground hanging onto their roots- clenching and praying even if they don't believe in anything

Your life will never pause, it'll just tick without your permission, move you along the day at its own willingness

it's a stretch of imagination
to believe anyone,
in their right mind,
could want to unlock the doors
take off the sheets underneath
slip in through the back door
surprise you in your sleep
make up excuses
tell you the truth
mean what they say

I don't want to wait
I'm not patient enough for this