I've never truly loved anyone:

Not desperately, unconditionally, or with abandon

Yet, it is the one thing that plagues my mind

The one thing I want more than anything

I look around at the world passing by

Wondering if someone is out there

Someone who can love me

Desperately, unconditionally, and with abandon.

You're my cup of tea
Yet, I don't think you see me
You are not to blame
It's because I hide behind my shame

The real me is hidden
While the cover up is disease-ridden
I do try
Instead, I end up forcing a goodbye

The real me is not her
I am a chaotic, beautiful blur
Maybe if you could see the real me
We could be

*t   o   g   t   h   e   r

The hatred rising.

Anxiety climbing.

Depression escalating.

Prayers ascending.



Staring down.

Tears falling.

Self-esteem lowering.

Hope diminishing.




This is the struggle between up and down.

“In the eyes of the beholder,” they say,

Beauty is found,”

But this beholder is in disarray,

Every calorie, every ounce, every pound

Seen through glasses in decay



“Unlovable” the voices yell

Confusion surrounds as lies become truth

Life is now a place of torture, a place called hell

My body is covered in battle wounds



Ugly, worthless, fat

These voices tell me

They don’t hold back

The remnants of the pain is all debris



Broken and alone

I cry out to no avail

Even in my sleep, I moan

Her soul is damaged and frail

Chaos abounds

Containing so many ups and downs

Time is conflicting

Though solitude is addicting



The circle in which we live,

Prodives a place to thrive

But life isn’t perfect

It is messy and imperfect


So, although chaos abounds

And there are ups... and downs

Time is wonderfully contradicting

And solitude is convicting.

“Why,” she asks through tear strained eyes.

  Her heart and soul have been blinded by lies

“You’re not enough,” they scream.

Now she is left with broken self-esteem.


The little girl’s pain is silent.

Fear is the driving force of the tyrant

Crippled and lonely, she reaches out

But for someone to understand is a doubt


Questions of recovery plague

Everyone else sees her struggle as vague

Unable to comprehend, she hides

Never being allowed to confide


This is her fight; she does try

The continual defeat makes her cry

Because she knows she knows she will drown from the pain

Tears of anguish forever reign

I look around...
Nothing fits
How high the mound
Too deep of a pit
Is where I am
All alone
They say,
"Hold your own."
I smile and reply, "OK"
But I inwardly groan
Lost in a world
Of chaos and confusion
I lay on my side curled
Stuck in an illusion

The little black arrow slowly tips to the right,

Determining my fate, my amount of self-hate,

I want to be weightless, to be light


They tell me I am beautiful

but who can be that and be fat?

My idea of beauty resided in my struggle


I wanted to defy gravity,

I wanted my plight to end, but instead,  I chose to be light

But now I only live in agony


The opposite, you see, occurred; my disorder made me heavy

Heavy with sadness, depression, and madness

All I wanted was to be weightless, to be light


Slowly murdering myself,

I landed just inches away from a grave...


I am lucky.

I made it through with few scars

I fought hard.

Now, I need not be light, but have delight