With dignity and grace,
I walk along.

With dignity and grace,
I walk alone.

A mistake worth making?
I may never know.

A mistake worth feeling?
I may never show.

When I finally find the stable ground,
I make it my means to make myself fool,
So, commence the run, and don't turn around,
Because no one is looking back.

And there's so much I want you to know that you don't believe in.
And there's so much I see that you need to see.
And I wish I could show you the brightness and talent that exudes from your being.
But I don't want to be written off with others who have said the same.
You are truly amazing and gifted.
Please believe in that;
Maybe I'm just scared to say it,
But that will never remove its truth.

Things change.
People change.
Who you are today is not who you will be six months from now,
For better or for worse,
For love or for hate,
For growth or retreat,
For sin or for virtue.

But some things never change.

I understand nothing
But ask nothing.
With so many words behind these lips,
I never allow them to part.
I remain silent.
But for how long can I keep this up?
And for how long can you?
Or is this just an imagination crossed with paranoia
At its best?
...or, rather, worst?
Tell me, provoke me, show me, push me, press me, look at me.
Speak.
Because words get lost in my throat,
And I don't find them until it's too late.

Eyes wide shut,
Fists lightly clenched,
Images slow dancing across my blackened, rosy lid.
Roll over,
Feel the stillness
That unstills my every breath,
And remember to forget,
The negative forbid.

I wrap my arms around its case
And place my head upon its face,
Imagining a steady beat pulsing on my ear,
But retract my every thought,
And reject all that I fought,
For though I’ve clipped my sorry wings,
They do not fly in fear.

To fly without my wings
Will be my one and only feat
To surpass all of the tremors
And darkened, doomed deceit.
And to unwind all that is tied
To this endless weary cheat
Was the greatest forward stroke,
Melt the chains upon my feet.

Scrub to numb,
Worn to a strength.
My eyes no longer paint on it their salty, selfish tears.
Callused hands,
Cleanse away
The stain that uncleaned me –
My reflection on this cloth
As it so long appeared.

I won’t say it here, but it’s still within,
No fading, faltered fall,
And sometimes through my longing heart
I wonder if it’s stall –
Is this really who I am, or have I fooled myself at last? –
But this glimmer of light I feel whispers,
“Your soul has grown in vast.”

I can hear my lonely, happy heart.
It taps,
It thumps,
It pounds.
Keeps time to the pillow pressed to my ear,
A beat without a sound.

And it isn’t the smile
(Well, maybe a bit),
And it isn’t the eyes
(Okay, that’s a lie),
And it isn’t the vocation
(I guess, I don’t know),
And it isn’t the voice
(Though I do hear its music),
And it isn’t the touch
(But it does give me chills),
And it isn’t the scent
(Sweet as it is),
But it’s every flaw,
Every issue,
Every huge imperfection –
And the wonderfully careless soul it comes with –
That gets me,
And that’s how you know it’s not a
Utopian,
Blinded idea,
But the real, unending, idiot deal.

A bridge well burnt
Leaves a life swiftly hollow,
And the words well lied
Dim the eyes dark to grey,
And a heart well ignored
Forms a wall hard to swallow,
And a face well smiled
Fools the ignorant betrayed.

But fires burn out,
And debris scars the land,
And who are we to say
This mess should stay guilt?
Silly people, don’t you know?
Just take my ****** hand,
And learn of the strength
Of a bridge that’s been rebuilt.

Join the club.
Lie.
It's what humanity does best.

The slumber I love to live and breathe,
So happy that it almost feels unreal,
I can taste the bliss on my slow, steady breath,
I can feel the smile in my warm, flowing blood.
And as I open my eyes, I disappear,
My breath grows sour, and my blood grows cold,
I realize reality was a blink away,
And I wish I could sleep and never awaken.
The start is the hardest part of the day -
Bittersweet slumber and disappointed smiles.

Festering wounds and swollen, blue bruises.
Hardened, glass tears that bleed and abhor.
Positive scribbles that unlock the day.
Translucent capes that forgot how to glide.
But a head held high, the blink of an eye.
These are the jewels in search for the treasure.

An empty cell,
The only light emerging from the small, barred window in the corner.
Slowly, but surely, the spaces grow smaller.
A light flickers off.

Silently,
Persistently -
She screams.

Illusion - muted echoes ring down.
They hear but don't listen.

Silently,
Persistently -
It beats.

Misunderstood - quiet tremors of pain shiver down.
They hear but don't believe.

Silently,
Persistently -
She fades.

This staircase -
These cold walls and concrete floors
Are the only things that understand.
My pen forms the words I cannot speak.
This staircase is all that will listen.
It cannot hurt me,
Because it cannot choose to not care.

But soon I will not be a burden to it or anyone else.
The twenty left will be used on me,
And I cannot wait for that day.

Sometimes I miss her,
Because she at least believed in something.
She had hope for herself
In spite of anything she felt or had to suffer through.
She found the worth in it.
She cared so much.

Then I pity her,
Because of her naivety
And how in the end, she was left with nothing.
So, I buried her.
Deep down, she's still there somewhere,
If you'd like to take the time to dig,
But she's barely breathing.
She cared too much,
And that's why she'll soon suffocate.

I don't want these ears.
They still hear the echoes.

I don't want these eyes.
They often get lost.

I don't want these lips.
They hold so much in.

I don't want this mind.
I thinks far too much.

I don't want these hands.
They've given up reach.

I don't want these legs.
They can never outrun.

I don't want this heart.
I've used it to death.

I don't want this life.
I've emptied it so.


I just want out.
Completely. Forever.

This weight upon my back
And this feeling in my chest
And this aching in my head,
It never goes away.
And this constant coat of anger
And the sickness that instills
And emotions contradicting,
They've all made me it's prey.

I can't do this anymore.
Life's not worth it anymore.

Spilling from wrists,
Staining on carpets,
Dripping from the knife left on the edge of the table
Is the blood poured out
Of the naïve, young heart,
Before beating strongly and slowly not able.

The immensity of love
She held in her heart
Caused her to harbor so much hate.
The world she’s come to
Know and live in
Is one that leaves no desire to wait.

Reaching through darkness
Was never success.
No one and nothing reached back for her.
So she took her own hand,
Hardened her soul,
Numbed her own pain, and they didn’t implore her.

Then she took her own knife
And stared at the reflection
Of the girl she’s come to hate and heed.
Reflections of them
Lie in her eyes,
The ones she called for, but her they don’t need.

It’s tragic when someone
Dies inside,
Screaming her loudest blood-curdling scream,
When outside they see
A pretty face,
The laugh of a life not what it seems.

And when someone shows care
And forces the help,
The last of her desires is to sit and listen
To anything and everything
She knows is true,
But her soul has blackened to a glassy glisten.

Do they regret it now?
Do they want to turn time?
Do they wish they could grab the hand that reached out?
Are they happy now
That she’s gone forever,
No longer a burden, stormy love turned drought?

She took her own hand,
And she took her own heart,
And she crushed her own soul till her dying eyes faded,
And she spilled her own blood,
And she took her own life,
First inside, now out, alone and unaided.

And she took their daughter,
And she took their friend,
And she took the girl not loved anymore,
And she took their student,
And she took their sister,
And she took the girl not feeling cared for.

She doesn’t blame any of them.
They just couldn’t save her from herself.
She’s broken herself for the last time.
She’s breathing her breath for the last time.
Feel all hints of life fade from her body...

Open my eyes a little bit wider
And turn my head another way.
There is a light in the distance, I know.
Someday, somehow I’ll see it glow,
Igniting the flicker of a flame left in me
Into a blazing fire, a burning passion.
It’s easy to hate but takes courage to love,
And darkness has no answers.
I was born to help others but always forget
To help my own self when I want what I want.
There is a light in the distance, I know,
And I will stand high, and I will stand strong
With Your grace, love, and guidance pushing me through
Like a stone in this hurricane
And my head held high.
I will learn to end this hypocrisy.
I will learn to fight this through.
I will learn to love myself again
And stop running from my heart.
For it is only after the rain that we can find a rainbow,
It is only after a storm that we see the flowers bloom.
And I will reach out my hand into the dark
To whatever force will guide me,
And on the day the sun chooses to rise
I will stop to smell the flowers.
There is a light in the distance I know.
Watch me wake up and come to life,
And join me in living in love.

And for so long
I’ve been blissfully numb –
So content and happy in finding myself,
Caught up in my work,
And rekindling friends –
That when you spoke and looked into my eyes,
For the first time in months…
I felt again.

Eyes closed, but I awaken
In the bed where my soul was stolen time after time
After a long night of tears and heartbreak
And turning to you.
Eyes closed, but the knowledge,
The sense that you’re lying right here, but a breath away,
Is the only comfort necessary,
A familiarity I feel I should have known before.
Eyes open to you looking back at me.
Pull me closer, my protection, my friend,
Tear stains on your shoulder.
Tonight I take back my heart for someone new.*

Eyes closed ‘cause it was a dream a year in the making
In the bed where I lay alone for the last six months,
Searching for myself in this tragic, numb world
Outside of what I’ve always known and supposedly wanted.
Eyes closed wanting to relive the moment a bit longer –
Just a little bit longer, please, I beg –
I don’t want to go back to who I was,
But I don’t want to leave where I’ve been.
Eyes open, I awaken from my vivid memory
Of the night I started to fall for you,
Where strength and weakness collided to make fireworks
In the best possible way.

No matter how much I try to control it,
No matter how happy I’m able to make myself,
You run through my veins –
You always run through
Every
Vein.

They are not you –
The ones who show interest,
The ones I grow fond of,
The allegedly perfectly wonderful ones.
They don’t make my heart drop,
They don’t feel my pain,
They don’t have the eyes that take me away,
They don’t raise their eyebrows
Or **** their head side like an adorable puppy
When they say hi.
They don’t feel depressed, or angry, or stubborn,
They don’t hesitate to tell me what they feel,
They don’t harbor stubbornness or prefer to be lone.
They’re here, and nice, and perfectly great.

But they are not you,
And they’ll never be you,
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Do I still feel this? –
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Do I want what I know must be a lost cause?
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Has nothing diminished or faltered or left?

…Why, please tell me, after such a long time?
…Why, please tell me, after such a long time?

Even though I don't love you,
Even though I have no desire to be with you,
Even though I there is no jealousy,
You know exactly how to manipulate
And pierce directly underneath my skin.
Like the needle-***** of a lioness
That makes her lose her sense of composure,
You turn me into a beast.

You're simply the one who's always there.
You delicately place me on a pedestal,
Then rip it from beneath my feet,
So all I can do is fall to the floor
And believe in the worthlessness you make me to be.

I seem to forget that you're "always right,"
Just like you were right every time you lied
To get the one thing that you wanted from me,
Just like you were right when you knocked me down
And smeared my face with dirt and debris,
Just like you were right every time you've done
The same exact thing to others.
Yes, my bad, you're always right.

Don't flatter yourself so much.

You’re boiling blood seeps through my veins,
Half of your genes make up my being,
And sometimes your dense reflection appears
When my attitude looks into the mirror. –
I loathe this.
And don’t you dare scream at my mother.
You aren’t a tenth of the person she is.
I’m sick of the tears that leak from my eyes
When I blame myself for how you treat us. –
I loathe this.
Alone in my room after the blunt door slam,
I stare all around through my tired tears
And wonder what the hell keeps me here,
And where do I belong? –
I loathe this.

Lonely in a crowded room
I sit and see the world I grew up in.
Friends and family all around,
So happy, so fulfilled, and here I am empty. –
I loathe this.
They each have their lives fully figured,
They each have their world in their cozy hometown,
They each have a sunny smile spread out,
Each oblivious to any other kind of life. –
I loathe this.
Dozens of children are running about.
I live in slow motion but see in fast forward.
And the scene that plays before my eyes
Lets me know I don’t belong here. –
I loathe this.

Drink in my hand but not in my blood,
The party storms on into the night.
Keep on refilling your empty hearts,
Keep on smoking your washed up souls. –
I loathe this.
This is what you all call living?
This is what you all call fun?
The drugs, the ***, the games, the alcohol?
This is what fulfills you? –
I loathe this.
I’m not one who’s against a good time,
Evident in my affection for a drink,
But all I see when I scan the room
Is a bunch of worthless, vacant people
On an endless road to nowhere fast. –
I loathe this.

None of this matters, but no one cares.
Am I the only one who sees this nonsense?
Or am I just too boring by being me?
All I know is one simple thing:
This is not where I belong.
I feel no home anymore,
And I don’t know where I’m going,
But I know I’m walking in the dark,
And at least I’m stepping somewhere forward.

Take me away, I beg of you.

A mother’s love
Is cleaning the scrape on her knee
When she’s fallen off her bike.

A mother’s love
Is watching Tarzan
Eight days in a row
Without complaining.

A mother’s love
Is taking her to dance class
Four days a week
Year after lengthy year.

A mother’s love
Is saying “I love you”
Every night before she falls asleep
For twenty years and counting.

A mother’s love
Is holding her in her arms
(As a grown eighteen-year-old)
While her broken heart bleeds down her face.

A mother’s love
Is saying “I don’t know, but I’m here for you”
When all she asks is “Why?”
Over and over endlessly.

A mother’s love
Is the song played on repeat
As they sing at the top of their lungs
During every long car ride.


And a daughter’s love
Is being able to see,
Able to accept,
And thankful for the fact
That she can honestly call her mom
One of her best and most supportive friends.

*******,
You ignorant,
Selfish,
Lying
*******
For still treating me like a ******* after all these ******* years.
You cut me out for being cranky?
I cut you out for being you.

I should have gone with my ******* gut when I was ******* told to do so.

Absolutely,
Positively,
Empty,
Meaningless,
Drunken
(or sober),
Futile,
Instinctive,
Faux-passionate
***
Will never satisfy
Past the animal moment
(if it satisfies at all).

I hope that you
See my reflection,
Sense my breath on your neck,
Taste the flavor of my skin,
And feel the sting of the tears the angels cry
Every time that you lock lips with another
Faceless
*****.

A few paces away,
Through the pasty blue door,
I can hear it,
The tune,
A beat,
The music.
Funny how something I admire most
Is precisely what brought the downfall.
And as I listen, the suppression subsides,
The memories rise,
Your breath on my cheek.
Quell it.
Content when I lock and bury
The precious box of treasure.

Why?
Because I don’t want to.
That’s not good enough.
Stop.
Oh, come on.* (with an innocent smirk.)
I don’t want…

Grab,
Push,
Pull,
Force.

Practically no decision.

Fake,
False,
Phony,
Forged.

An evil touch,
Sickened chills,
Scar after shredded scar.

*What’s your problem?
Why are you crying?
Stop being such a *****.

There they sat
On the weathered bench outside of the church,
Waiting,
Talking.
A hand lightly brushed against her shoulder,
And she felt chills down her spine.
He gently looked into her eyes
And smiled.
And that was the moment he saw her,
That was the moment he found her.

There she sat,
Glancing to where she thought she should be,
The reason why she was there.
From the opposite direction came an overwhelming light
Onto what she gave up,
And there he was still standing.
The arms wrapped around her
And lifted her up,
And she felt chills down her spine.
And that was the moment he saw her,
That was the moment he found her.

There she sat,
Alone on the stairs
After running away from the overdone breakdown.
Tears of guilt,
Sick of being blamed.
She heard him searching,
Calling her name,
But she didn’t utter a word,
Just waiting,
Wanting him to find her,
Longing for him to make it there.
He paced into the hallway and turned to her,
Disfigured faced converting to relief.
He kissed her forehead
And tenderly held her head in his hands,
Gazing deep into her eyes,
Promising no more pain,
And she felt chills down her spine,
More than ever before.
And that was the moment he saw her,
That was the moment he found her.

Here she sits,
A day like any other,
Pressing forward,
Fighting for reasons of which are unsure,
Day in, day out,
Unending.
Silly girl,
Stop getting found,
First you must find yourself.

Note to self:

Get up.
Get the **** up
Off your sorry, beaten ***,
And stop being pathetic.

And know that trust is a lie.
No one tells the truth anymore.
No one knows anyone.
Best friends and lovers?
It's all an illusion.
Reality screams that
Trust is game.
Who can fool who?

And the one who is always there for you?
Always makes you feel like ****, right?
Just get the **** up.
And fix yourself.

You ******* up
Because your mind was clouded and hazy with care.
You somehow found logic in the illogical.
But you can't go back.
So get the **** up.

We all victimize ourselves
And pour the blame on others.
We all ignore the things that we do,
Both to ourselves and to those around us.
We don't even see ourselves because we're too busy
Finding flaws
In our friends,
In our enemies,
And then we can feel okay about who we've become.

Well, get the **** up,
And look into a mirror.
You did this to yourself.
Now fix it.
You're better than this.

Sincerely,
Yourself.



Get up, my friends,
And take a whiff of the big, fat "*******"
Freshly painted on my forehead.

Funny
How the lies never end.

Funny
How I'm supposed to walk away,
But I refuse to.

Funny
How I'll always be here for you.

Funny
How I ******* up out of care.

Funny
How I'm always the girl who's fallen for,
Promised forever,
And dumped for a life of empty encounters.

Funny
How, at this rate,
Your future will be that of your hero's.

Funny
How your hero is hollow and unhappy.

Funny
How I'm crucified every time I love.

Funny
How I'm you a year ago.

Funny
How you're him a year ago.
The "him" that you hated for what he did,
What you do.

Funny
How I don't believe this is you.

Funny
How I'm supposedly a ******.

Funny
How you forget the way you were with me.

Funny
How how no one stops you
Because they live it right beside you,
While the rest slowly stop caring.

Funny
How I don't stop.

Funny
How numbing emotions is a better option than living.

Funny
How my heart will always ache
For knowing that you are better.

Funny
How I'm not laughing.

Funny
How it never ends.

Wake up.
It’s only a dream.
That’s only the fear raging through your veins,
But fighting it can bring a ghost to life.

Wake up.
It’s a nightmare.
Deep down you must know
That you made the simple so difficult,
As did I.

Wake up.
Open your eyes from this frozen, lifeless slumber.
Remove your glasses of tenacity,
And I’ll let my guard down.
Trust me with your heart,
And I’ll save you from yourself.

Wake up.
Let me in,
And I’ll shine the light back down
To keep you from drowning in your own ocean of poison.
Give me your hand,
And I will grasp it with my life to pull you ashore.
Because we’re both fools if we let this crash
Push us apart and change us for the worse.

Wake up.
I’m standing right in front of you.
I will not stagger.
I will not sway.

I've come to learn
That when we gain strength,
We end up feeling weaker,
Because no longer are we leaning on the power of other people and things,
But we fight -
And we stand -
Completely alone.

The trick is whether this is good or bad.

Your repeated stabs
Bled bullets of blood,
But the beating won’t bring me
To my battered ending.

Never have I felt so broken,
So worthless,
Than when you gave up
All those years ago.
But I moved on.
And if I could erase it,
All that would stop me is that fact that it led to him.

Despite the ending,
I would walk through the fires of hell
On pins and needles
For that boy,
For he was my best made decision.

Breathing life into me,
He taught me I am treasured,
He gave me the courage to stand up for my life,
Defeating your still relentless attempts at tearing it away.
And I can now breathe on my own.

I used to think I knew what love was,
But I never truly loved until he swept me off of my feet,
And I have yet to let him put me down,
Though he’s let me go.

I finally thought our friendship
Reached a strength that I didn’t know it could,
But you never cease to disappoint,
And I’ve gotten so used to this
That you’ve finally succeeded
At getting me to care less.

Congratulations on being the one figure in my life
To continuously bring me to tears,
And make me feel no better than
The smeared shell of the creature
That you’ve walked all over.

I finally found my fight.
I’m done being disposable.
You’ve thrown me away for the last time.

With great regret,
With great remorse,
I can honestly say
That had I known we’d end up strangers,
I never would have let the words “I can’t”
Escape my lips.

They each have their own vision.
Each lie acts an incision,
A mold into division.
They like to think they know her.

They’ve all made the decision
To bombard her with provisions,
But to her it’s just collision,
And it simply only slows her.

They like to think they know,
But on them rains down the joke,
Cause how can someone know a girl
Who’s lost sight of her own stroke
In time, continuing to choke.

I’ve heard it said that we must all
Walk to the beat of our own drum,
But what do you do when who you are
Is better than who you’ve become?

I was there
When you first took in,
The very breath of life
But you didn’t know me.

I was there
As you grew,
But we never became friends.

I was there
When there was death,
But you stayed away.

I was there
When you had your heart shred,
But you didn’t know it.

I was there
When you fell in love
With the melody and its maker,
But you never saw me.

I was there
When you died completely
On the inside,
But you stayed cold.

I was there
When you tried to disappear,
But you hated me for not letting you.

I was there
When you loved
And when you came to life,
But you lost sight of me.

I was there
When you poisoned yourself,
But you didn’t care.

I was there
In the darkness,
But your eyes never caught my light.

I am here
Giving you every day,
Every moment.
But you’ve never seen me.

I’ve always been by your side,
And I will never leave it.
If I exist, that is.

I am here.
Where are you?

For three or four minutes
I feel again.

For three or four minutes
The anger subsides.

For three or four minutes
I believe once more.

For three or four minutes
A melody
Or lyric
Brings comfort.

For three or for minutes
Everything is okay.

For three or four minutes
I am understood.

For three or four minutes,
I am not alone.

This is music.
This is power.
All I am
In three or four minutes.

Open my eyes,
Cover my ears,
The berating buzz of the alarm sounds.
Catch hold of my breath
As my soul disappears,
Relentless and futile my heart pounds.

Attack me or choose me,
Love me, abuse me,
Lie, cheat, love –
“Sorry.”
Sorry.
Bruise me.
I just gave up on being strong.

Today is a copy of the humdrum preceding.
Tomorrow the stubborn replay still holds
This worthless,
Pointless
Life with no meaning.
Alone in the silence,
The secret untold.

I dare you all to shake me up,
To break me,
To shatter,
To stab me,
To blame.
The effort won’t breach this wall I’ve built,
The three new cravings,
The mask I now feign.

Fifth of *****,
Full bottle of pills,
Painkillers left would surely fulfill
A desire to feel,
A need to forget,
A wish to lose who I am,
Or will it?

A knife in the drawer.
A glistening blade
I long to drag across my beige, freckled skin,
Deep into my unfeeling flesh,
A thrilling pain,
Patience worn thin.

I finally gave up on being strong,
But I know myself all too well.
I care so much,
I hope so much,
I love so much,
So **** it to hell.

Now the first thing that I shall seek?
I’m giving up on being weak.

Last night
I fell asleep to the pitter patter of graceful rain
Splashing against the roof over my open window.
As I lay there,
I silently bathed myself in numerous thoughts
Of how perfectly peaceful this feeling was.
My window,
Open to such a vast world.
And here I was, listening to its beauty.
Here I am, living its wonder.
But the absence of one thing lingered over my heart,
Something I miss,
Something that would have completed this moment,
Something that should have wrapped around me,
An empty space that should have been filled.

This morning
I woke up
And looked out of my open window,
Again at the beauty,
Again at the vastness,
Again at the wonder,
And I knew that none of it matters to me
Without the missing piece.

I love the scent of September,
The aroma of browning leaves in the air,
The soft crunch of them beneath my feet,
The sweet sun warming my skin to the perfect degree,
Combined with cool air surrounding.
I love the sight of the sunrise
As I trot the road at the break of the day,
Its rays dancing across the rainbow sky,
Its light dancing along unending hillsides
To the budding music of morning creatures.
And in this moment,
A moment filled with the serene unity of nature,
All I want is to venture into the middle of nowhere,
Scream at the top of my lungs,
And soak in the peace around me.

‘Tis the season for change.

Sometimes
It's easier to keep your mouth shut,
Because the words you're searching for -
The ones that explain
Exactly what you feel,
Exactly what you want,
Exactly what your gut tells you,
Your exact intuition -
They don't exist,
And no matter how long and rigorously you scour every possibility,
Nothing can explain.

And you realize there is no need to,
As long as you know what lies within your heart.

I've built up walls
And created a switch.
So let this be.
Let this be.

Feel everything,
Yet I'm feeling nothing.
Just let this be.
Let this be.

Can't look.
Can't speak.
Can’t hear.
Can’t think.
Can’t yearn.
Can’t crave.
Can’t care.
Can’t cry.

Listen to the beautiful betrayal of lies.
And don't remember.

Just lock it up.
And let it be.
Seems time has altered everything.

I didn’t believe in fate, that any soul is predestined for another.
I didn't believe in coincidence, that we subsist by some sort of chance.
I didn’t believe in soul mates,
And I didn’t believe in luck.
I believed in faith.

And now I simply search for some escape,
Some feeling other than
comfortably numb.

Maybe I really did deserve this.
Maybe I really am just stupid.
Because I believed in your promises.
Because I believed in us.

I don't know the plan.
I don't know my meaning.
I don't even know if I have a purpose.
But I don't care.
Just let it be.

I've learned to flip the switch to off.
What does it matter if I lose myself?
***** happiness;
Give me the lying whispers of false satisfaction.

"Off" may never solve, but it numbs away the pain.

I want to feel,
I want to bleed,
I want to fall,
I want to break,
I want to crumble,
I want to rise,
I want to fight,
And I want the cycle to run.
So at least I'd know I’m living.

But "off" is the risk I take.
Because I've tried to change my ways.

*Your heart belongs to you
And you alone.
Never be careless and naive enough to give it away.

For the first time in these three months
I feel empty.

For the first time in these three months
I am a shell.

For the first time in these three months
I have no light left in me.

For the first time in these three months
I feel hurt by the person
And not the situation.

For the first time in these three months
I feel everything inside,
But I am physically incapable to showing it.
Numb.
Pathetic.

I try to cry.
No tears.

I try to laugh.
No sound.

I try to scream.
No whisper.

I try to destroy.
No will.

For the first time in these three months,
I've given up on myself.
There is no more hope inside.
Just darkness.
And I don't even care.

I don't care about a **** thing.

If you see me,
Let me know.
For I cannot see myself.
I am a ghost.
I am invisible.
I am nothing.
I am gone.

Are you really living
If you're just surviving?
Is it really worth it?

There is nothing I would love more
Than to say that I'm done with this charade,
I'm done with this wall.
Tear it down.

Every day brings the urge,
But no day brings the courage
For fear you do not feel the same.

So I stay here searching...

Everything has changed.
Nothing has changed.

Today
I tried to run from my thoughts –
Literally –
As I have done many times before,
And never have I been able to succeed,
For I’ve learned we cannot outrun what lies within us.
This merely leaves us gasping for air –
Physically and emotionally.
Yet, that still does not stop us from trying.
Silly little souls are we
To choose the numb instead of the sentiment,
But sometimes…
It’s just better that way…
Until we are brave enough to change it.

Someday
I’ll be brave enough to change it.

That’s it.
I’m done with metaphors.
I’m done with comparisons.
I’m done with poetic lyrics.
(Though, they will probably slip in anyway.)
But no more nonsense.
Just me,
Bare emotions.

I can go on all day about wanting to forget,
Wishing it all to go away,
Believing that I mean nothing,
Supposing that you don’t care,
Distracting myself,
And talking as if none of it matters.
The truth is I don’t buy into any of that garbage.
It’s only the material that forms the mask I put on every morning.
My sword and my shield.

I put down my guard and remove the mask
Only when I am alone.
This is when I am safe.
…But am I?
Is a hiding heart truly protected?
Exposed, I would tell you that
Loving you is the greatest, most rewarding thing
Life has ever brought me.
This is the truth,
This has always been the truth,
And this will continue as truth.

You are not the ones before you.
This love is not desperate,
This love is not juvenile,
This love is not hollow,
And this love is not love of the idea.
This love is pure,
Fine,
And not halting.
This love is –
Well… love –
As is should be.

I don’t need you to save me.
He already did that by bringing me to you.
You see, I lost myself long ago –
You know this –
And when I lost myself,
You found me,
But I never found myself.
At last I have.
At last there is independence in me
I have never known before,
Free from the bond of love the noun.
Realization of love the verb.

And I do.

No, I do not need you to resurrect me.
I'm stronger than you know.
I am not broken,
I am not needy,
I am not desperate. –
I am a better person for this,
And I now know my wish comes from the right roots within.
My desires have not changed.
My love has not faltered;
It has grown.

No, I do not need to be rescued.
I just want you next to me,
Here by me,
Close to me.
Literally and emotionally.

Thirty letters unsent.
Phones endlessly undialed.
Thousands of words unspoken.
Eyes wandering,
Glances stolen.
One secret.
Continual questions.
Does she still care?
Does he?
Both still in love?
Both okay.
Both not.
Both guises.
Both sets of walls.
Both sets of fears,
Fears of the unknown,
Fears of failure,
Threats of the future,
Pressures of the past.
Too many expectations?
Both too frightened to say.
Both too stubborn to part their lips and merely speak.
Tenacious in the worst way possible.
Thirty letters unread.
And will they ever be?
Break the chain,
Remove the mask,
Shatter the wall;
The answer may lie on the other side of love.

As I walk, I tread the sand beneath my feet,
I search the ground for shells of beauty,
And the soft sunset guides my soul
Like a single light in the darkness,
A dove spreading its wings
To the music of the water.
In this moment I feel alive,
And I’m getting ready to jump,
To dive in, to reach beyond my body
And fly the depths of the earth,
Independently.
And in this moment, I know I can,
But I realize I don’t want to.
If I need to soar above the ocean,
I’m quite capable,
But it doesn’t matter to me ultimately.
What good are these wings?
What good is total freedom
When you’re flying from your deepest cares?

Pour me one.
I need to unwind.
Let loose,
Let go,
Break out of my mind.

Pour me another.
I want to forget
Your taste,
Your touch,
Desire’s one threat.

Pour it again.
I’m nearly carefree.
No fears.
Just laughter,
And fall to my knees.

Hours pass.
My room is spinning.
The heart of glass
At last is grinning.

Without a worry,
Devoid of care,
I tear out the heart
Beating to bare.

It throbs in my hand,
The reflection I see,
The same forlorn fool
Staring at me.

Darkness descends,
Shadows of unrest,
An all-too-brief slumber,
A drum in my chest.

And right where we parted
We unite once more,
Concerns that I left
Now piercing my core.

The intoxication
Of a hard imbibition
Can cause me to lose every inhibition.

But deep down,
Not once,
Can it ever forget
That I’m already intoxicated –
Constantly,
Completely,
And consciously –
By the immense love
I still have for you.



Sober again.

I lied when I said it.
A perfect façade of satisfaction.
The shelter: built.
A citadel, blocking it out,
Or, rather, a cage blocking it in.
It will not escape me,
Not yet, that is.
The truth.
Truth is I’m not.
Truth is nothing’s wrong,
But truth is nothing’s right.
Truth is no distraction survives long enough to make me forget.
(Though, that doesn’t halt my attempt.)
Truth is I’ve secluded a piece of me for no one to see,
Not even you.
Not yet, that is.
Truth is I can’t quite tell the truth,
For this requires me to tell myself.
Truth is I believe I still have strength to gain.
And truth is…
Maybe someday I’ll tell.
Not yet, that is.
Truth is I lied.
I lied when I told you
Everything’s okay.