The mirror displays only the imperfections,
The aspects, the qualities I long to change.
The struggle never left me.
I used to think I conquered,
But deep down… I knew.
And it now haunts me the same way it did years ago.
A tear falls to the floor.
The sounds of disapproving mutters echo down the hallway.
This distorted image won’t change
Regardless of what truth tells me.
Nothing you do will alter the fact,
Because I think nothing of it,
Treat it as normalcy.
This is my reality,
My life,
My struggle,
My insecurity.
A battle with the mirror,
The countless flaws it reveals,
A never-ending war,
And neither of us wins,
But neither of us forfeits.
Why do I let this happen?
I must be perfect.
I will not settle for anything less.
But my worst enemy is not the mirror.
It is myself.

We are
A nonentity,
An almost,
A could-have-been,

A wish,
A dream,
A hope,
A longing.

I live.
I die.
I conquer.
I stumble.

You play.
You speak.
You neglect.
You enjoy.

A breath.
A whisper.
A shout.
A secret.

A game
That will someday end in despair.
A desire
That it will not be too late.

A dare.
Go ahead,
Be a guy, my dear.
‘Cause I’m told no longer
Are you a man.

The glass is not empty,
Nor is it full,
Nor is it half one way or the other.

But what is this feeling?
And where is the source of what strength she has left?
She has no inhibitions
And feels liberated for the first time in months,
Yet turmoil chains her down.
Vanished, but unbroken.
Ignoring, but noticing.
Crumbled, but fully put together.
She gave you her heart.
So, be careful,
For, though it is strong,
It is also fragile.

Her glass is not empty,
Nor is it full.
It is leaking,
And she spends all her time filling it,
But the crack isn’t mending,
Isn’t patching,
Isn’t healing.
So all she can do now is fill the glass,
Stop pretending,
Stop lying with her smile,
And watch it empty at the end of the day,
Allowing her to fill it yet again when dawn awakens.

We cannot choose
How,
When,
Why,
Or who.

It is inexplicable,
Indescribable,
Mysterious,
Effortless,
And pure.

We cannot control it.
We cannot choose it.
It just is.
Simply complex.

We can choose to run from it.
We can choose to hide.
We can choose to deny.
We can choose to ignore.
And we can choose to bury it.
But, eventually, it will catch up
And force us to do something about it,
Unless we want to live in misery, emptiness, and artificial happiness forever.
Because we don’t find love.
It finds us.

There is a cold stillness every time I close the door behind them,
Reminding me I can't hide behind my smile in the comfort of my friends anymore,
Reminding me that Happy is again slipping from my grasp,
Reminding me that Lonely is about to take its place beside me,
Reminding me that I miss you,
Reminding me you don't.
At least you don't show it.
Whether or not I believe this,
I cannot say.

I find it sad...

...that a girl with so much going for her -
incredible friends,
caring family,
talent,
beauty,
health,
intelligence,
a home,
a bright future,
faith,
belief,
strength -
A girl whose life is filled with love,
Can feel so lost.

I find it sad...

...that a girl, whose life is meaningful to others
And shows signs of God's love,
Can feel so hollow.

And I find it sad...

...that all it takes is one glance in his direction,
And her heart melts right back down to square one.

And it's time to get up and start over again.

Consistent constancy.
Always unchanging.
Bustling busy or unbreakable boredom.
I’d say the replay button is stuck,
But my past does not know this feeling
Nor this departure.
A vague familiarity, yes,
But not alike.
I know how to busy myself most of the time,
But nothing ever changes.
The passing of time leaves no scars, no sign of healing,
Just the same feeling rushing through my core,
The one that makes my heart stop.
It never gets easier.
Just easier to cover up.
At the end of the day
The same loneliness cradles me to sleep,
Trying to steal my life away,
But I refuse to let it.
Usually.
Lonely is a long lost friend of mine,
But a bittersweet enemy,
One that requires all power to battle,
And sometimes I simply get sick of strength
And choose to forfeit the war.
No, it never gets easier.

Just continue to find more masks,
Just continue to welcome numb,
Just continue to deny,
Just continue to ignore
Until one day you want to feel again.
Where does your courage lie?

Empty.
Numb.
Careless.
Unfeeling.
The lifeless shell of a human you’ve become.
This is vacant soul I see.

I don’t know this boy,
Nor do I want to.
He died the night your arms formed my shield,
And dark eyes brightened to newfound life,
Leaving me speechless.

But our demise saw to it that the birth of death arise again,
Suffocating any life left in you,
Parting with happy, alive, and energetic,
Welcoming the cold.
And we meet the empty shell once more.

A nearly full bottle of painkillers rests on my desk,
Calling,
Shouting,
Crying out my name
For just a moment,
A notion bringing my fearful heart to its knees.
Speechless.

Instead I choose to chase who I once was,
While somehow attempting to better myself
Into someone who can be ok.
But what is ok, exactly?
When and how do we get to good enough?
And is “good enough” actually ever enough?
Too many thoughts.
Too many constant battles inside.
But still speechless.

You called me your “guardian angel,”
Said without me, you’d have no life.
You told me the ghost of who you were
Began to live when I stepped in.
Your will to exist, your empty shell,
Your desire to awaken at the break of every day,
Everything changed when I stepped in.
Everything changed when I stepped in.
You came alive when I stepped in.
You breathed new life when I stepped in.

You said, “Forever.”
You said, “My future.”
You said, “Always.”
You said, “Je t’aime.”
You said, “I want you.”
You said, “I need you.”
You said, “I love you.”
You said, “That love will never go away.”
You said, “I’ve waited my whole life for this.”
You said, “I want every second with you.”
You said it all, but I wish you hadn’t ‘cause maybe,
Maybe I wouldn’t be here,
Trapped in all the vanished promises of our evanescent life.
So many thoughts,
So many desires,
So much life lost deep down inside,
Yet still so speechless.

You stepped out when fear stepped in.
You stepped out when confusion stepped in.
You stepped out because of your stupid, unconditional, pure, overwhelming love for me.
And I stepped out because it made my heart swell with even more love for you.

I don’t know this boy,
Nor do I want to.
But I wish with everything I’m made of that I could help him in some way,
That I could be here in some way,
That I could find one thing to say
To bring him back to life some way.
But here I am,
Speechless.

Little does this boy know I’m here
If he truly ever needs me.
I am always here.
But here he also is,
A stranger,
Completely ok with feeling numb,
Just barely pressing on,
Lifeless.

And it was with those words, this realization, that I discovered
I meant nothing to you.
You mean everything to me.
And I meant nothing.

How can I believe this?
I don't.
But how can you act like it?

Empty.
Numb.
Careless.
Unfeeling.
The lifeless shell of a human you’ve become.
This is vacant soul I see.
But there is nothing I can do anymore,
Except lie here,
Pray here,
Stay here –

Speechless.

Your eyes first locked with mine when I was blind.
Your eyes watched me drag along your brother’s torturous path.
Your eyes saw the pain in my own,
But those eyes became my protection,
Gazing into them, comfort,
Healing.
One night changed the world.

Your eyes saw to it that I rise.
Over,
And over,
And over again.
Your eyes strengthened me when I couldn’t do it alone.
And when I could… those eyes were still there.
Bright,
Smiling,
Happy eyes.
Because I succeeded.

Your eyes lit up when they looked into mine
As if three words were the greatest ever invented.
I got lost in those eyes.
They saw perfection in spite of countless flaws.
They grasped my soul, the very core of my being, and made my body shiver
In the best way possible.
I fell in love with those eyes.
Warm,
Caring,
Loving eyes,
Guarding my heart better than any.

But your eyes grew sad with sorrow, speaking the unexpected.
They cringed at my unbearable shock,
And they cried with mine.
Never will I be able to free myself of that image.
Sad,
Dark,
Depressing eyes.

Once rewarding, giving the finest promise I have ever been given, your eyes loved.
But they feared.
And I have been forced to learn of my greatest enemy.
Don’t make promises.
And don’t believe in them.
They will never be kept.

Your eyes have grown cold,
Leaving me speechless.
Dead,
Lonely,
Emotionless eyes.

Who are you?
I don’t recognize these eyes.

In that moment she realized they are nothing.
In that moment she realized he doesn't love her, and he doesn't want to.
In that moment she realized she roams outside his walls.
In that moment she realized she's built her own.

Sometimes, we build walls because we don't want to let people in.
The risk of pain is too much to handle.
Sometimes, we build walls because we want to see
Who will work to break them down.
And sometimes, we build walls because we want to prove to ourselves
Who we desire to break them down.
And when that person fails to do so,
We find ourselves surrounded by loneliness and despair,
Pasting a plastic smile on our face,
And we have no choice but to drown ourselves in pain,
Because finding our way back would mean we have to feel anything but numb.

And in that moment, she realized she's still naive enough to continue holding on.

In all my life,
In all my time,
I have never felt worse about myself.

I ruin lives
While doing nothing at all,
But missing,
and listening,
and praying,
and loving.
By being.

I'm a burden.

I needed you today.
I caught only air when trying to wrap you in my arms.

I needed you today.
I needed to feel you lift my chin
And look deep into my eyes as if you were looking straight into my soul.
The way you always do.

I needed you today.
I needed to hear your soothing voice whisper, “Everything will be ok,”
To drown out the yelling and fighting in the room next door.

I needed you today.
I needed to feel your embrace, your protection, your love,
Helping me escape the taunting sobs two walls away.
I needed you to dry my own tears,
To let me bury my face in your shoulder.
I needed the simple comfort of your warmth next to me.

Can you feel it?
Do you hear it?
My heartbeat.
Because I still know the sensation of yours against my ear
As I lay my head upon your chest,
Closing my eyes,
Sinking into that moment and wishing for its eternity.

Can you feel it?
Do you hear it?
My presence.
I’m with you every day,
Though you would never know.

I close my eyes and see your sweet, captivating grin,
Your tender, mesmerizing eyes.
I search for silence, hoping to hear your voice.

I can still feel your fingertips brush against my skin.
I can still feel your hand run through my hair.
I can still feel my heart race with a glance at your image.
I can still feel everything that ever involved you.
Yet, I can’t,
For it is just a memory,
And I long to feel it again.

I summon strength from somewhere inside on most days,
But today?
I needed you –
More than I ever have in our time apart.

I needed you today.
But I cannot let myself run to you,
For I love you far too much.
And my love is your burden.

I needed you today.

In a dark, cold chamber with a lock on the door
Lay the shattered, glass pieces of her heart on the floor.
Feeling so alone, deceived by so many lies,
The girl couldn't halt the tears streaming from her eyes.
At one point in time, that glue might have held,
Glue that fixed the heart the first time it fell,
But no dream could be true, so she built up those walls,
'Cause she found the truth: she didn't matter at all.
Sure, they were still friends. Sure he may care,
But he'd never feel the same, and life refused to be fair.
So young and naive and already heartbroken,
Bleeding from the wounds of words left unspoken -
Not those of her own, for she made her say,
But of those who forgot to feel, forgot to love, forgot to stay.
Just sixteen years old, and she already fell,
-Fell from love, fell from loss. Could anyone hear her yell?
Was there anything out there to let these pieces break free?
To be whole? To unlock? To listen to her plea?
But soon something changed. An unknown presence came through.
Someone knocked on the door. Someone's out there, but who?
Feeling locked in some cellar, this heart shivered in fear
As the **** began to turn. Could this mystery be clear?
But hope was let down when the girl realized
The chamber was locked with the heart still capsized.
Suddenly, some dim light conquered the dark,
Commencing as small, but came a fire from that spark.
In flooded those brilliant, bright, bold, beams of light,
But the girl held back, not ceasing her fight.
Then gently a hand took the pieces from the floor,
The pieces of a heart thought broken forevermore,
The pieces that seemed so lost, so broken, so torn apart,
The pieces of this dark, shattered mess of a heart.
The warm, caring hands then took out the glue
And placed them together, making them new.
So strong, yet so gentle. So tough, yet so tender.
The calm, warming arms embrace her and mend her.
And clenched in the hands that held her so tight,
The girl locked out from all else 'til tonight,
Was what changed wounds and bruises to scars of the past,
Healing every ache, every pain this heart had to last.
In his hand was the key that opened the door,
Sending light, love, and laughter - a locked chamber no more -
The key making all of the confusion disappear,
Clearing obstruction, destroying her fears.
But who is the prince who rescued her heart?
Who is the boy that made pieces one part?
Who is this knight that rides by her side?
The hero she loves, whose feelings won't hide?
Whose hand holds the key, makes her dreams come true?
She lifts her head to see... It's indescribable you.

I used to live on Cloud Nine,
Where the cold, black darkness fades into white,
A place where love should never hurt,
And all troubles rest far out of sight.
I used to live in Truth,
Where the sweet bliss of love can never lie,
A place where the bearer of your heart
Forbids relapse and a love that can die.
But here I stand, knocked down
From my perfectly paved clouded retreat,
Betrayed by the boy who promised no pain,
And my heart is breaking in desperate defeat.

No longer am I living in full, but a living fool was made out of me.

Here I stand, in shock and pain,
Shaking, shivering in the sudden rain.
Here I stand, my stomach in knots,
My heart in my throat, distressed, distraught.
Here I stand, tears stinging my eyes,
Asking when will there be none left to cry.
But here I stand, holding on,
Searching for some kind of will to stay strong.
My one and only, my very best part,
The keeper of the key that opens my heart,
My love, my life, my very best friend,
How can you tell me its time for the end?
Like a wild beast in the dead of night,
Like a crash landing of an eagle in flight,
Like a deadly disease losing its cure,
My dreams turn to nightmares, and I to a blur.
Choose me, amuse me, abuse me, use me.
Still somehow, I'm shouting that you can't lose me.

I can’t build walls.
And I don’t have a switch.
So let this be.
Let this be.

Feel everything,
Yet I’m feeling nothing.
Just let this be.
Let this be.

Don’t look.
Don’t speak.
Don’t hear.
Don’t think.
Don’t yearn.
Don’t crave.
Don’t care.
Don’t cry.

Listen to the sweet, scathing sound of silence.
And don’t remember.

Just lock it up.
And let it be.
Time won’t alter anything.

I don’t believe in fate, that any soul is predestined for another.
I don’t believe in coincidence, that we subsist by some sort of chance.
I don’t believe in soul mates,
And I don’t believe in luck.
I believe in faith.

Daring divinity screams my name, and I cannot let myself escape.
Some unknown force guides my thoughts, my actions, my emotions, my desires
–My everything.

No, I don’t believe in fate.
I believe in us.

There is a plan,
And I cannot explain.
I just let it be.

I cannot flip the switch to off,
For I’m incapable of closing myself away,
Of dancing with death and absence,
Of walking with lonely and numb.

I cannot flip the switch to off,
Lest I lose myself once more.
Happiness isn’t achieved this way,
But the lying whispers of false satisfaction.

“Off” will never solve; It will only prolong.

Let me feel,
Let me bleed,
Let me fall,
Let me break,
Let me crumble,
Let me rise,
Let me fight,
And let the cycle run.
At least I know I’m living.

“Off” is the risk you take.
But I dare you to change your ways.