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She's Gone

I looked up and there you were
you filled me up with your simple style
how could I have known that you would
steal my heart with your soft smile

time has passed things have changed
you had to leave I understand
still each and every day I look for you
I can't let go reaching for your hand

they say time heals wounds
but I don't think this hole will ever fill
the ache inside is still as strong
I will miss you forever I know I will

I still can see you as you turned away
looking back at me over your shoulder
I know you really wanted to stay
the days pass by and I just get older

I still look at pictures of you and yearn
my finger traces your face I feel the thrill
wondering how I will get by another day
she's gone now and I feel my tears spill

Gomer LePoet ....
If I were to leave and never come back,
I wonder who would care.

If I were to love with all of my heart,
I wonder if it'd be rare.

If I were to ask you to wait for me,
I wonder if you'd be there.

If I were to want you to love me back,
I wonder if you'd dare.
The bond between us
does not quite speak to the stars
as precious carvings
but as seeds of happiness.
Here you see me in thought
rearranging reflections inside a message
held in glass.

Far away I hold my breath
then let it out to chase dream-filled sleep.  
Soft sighs escape
streaming through the night
in shells of kisses
moving ultimately to form this lovely
smile I keep.

Quivering inside my dreams
are elaborate colors
that dance on my tongue.
I taste them as whispers of you.
The bond between us does not quite
speak to the stars, but here
in my dreams is sung.
I remember the slamming screen doors,
the rattle of the stained glass monster,
and the drafty shadowed nights beneath chenille bedspreads.
 
I remember the sun soaked cloak room with its reek of wet woolen mittens,
the un-impeded flight down stairs in tomato basket bobsleds,
and the bouncing at the bottom in a frenzy of strawberry carpet burns.

I remember church bingo basements smoky on Friday nights,
Saturday morning sounds from her kitchen,
and a mile of sulfur dusted sidewalk in between.
 
I remember the damp musty smell of the low lit basement,
the passing of Black Label beer through semi-circle windows,
and the nauseating hangover from Mogen David wine kept in the cellar.
 
I remember hearing how they kicked in the door while she slept and beat her
and took her things, her rings, the gifts from my grandfather,
and how she stubbornly refused to leave the home my mother was born in.

A half century book ended on one end by the great depression,
which she survived,
on the other end the kicked in door
which she did not.
 
I remember my mother’s wavering voice when she told me she was dead,
how Uncle Ed found her sitting in her chair, rosary beads wrapped
around arthritic hands.
 
I remember hot on the left and cold on the right,
the smell of her sweat,
the breeze off the lake,
the creak of the old steam radiator,
and the way she slept in her chair with her mouth wide-open.
 
The way Uncle Ed found her.
You were always better in theory.
The images I created for myself,
the moments I wished we were in.
The hypothetical has no abrupt ending,
you see.

Once upon a time,
I believed you were telling me about 12-string guitars.
On my bed,
about how it's easier to play them because the strings are so close together,
it's like you can hit all the right notes without even trying.
You tried to make me sing that night.
But then I realized I had that conversation with someone else,
in a different setting completely.
It changes our ending,
you see.
The bed sang it's own lonely song that night.

I can tell myself all the right stories,
weave my own intricately, beautifully detailed and intoxicated rhythms,
but that won't bring you here.
Oh no, lord no boy,
that won't bring you anywhere closer to me,
to here, to now, to us, to a "we".
Dear God, I cannot stop thinking about you.
Your images is seared into my mind
Your voice echoes in my head
When I look in the mirror, I see your smile reflected back at me

My friends tell me my eyes have changed color.
Have they?
I haven't noticed.
I'm only concerned with that unique turquoise that makes up yours

The days grow colder, but
They are only as cold as the time not spent with you
And this time
Makes up for all the frigid hate that cloaks the rest of the world
Fully.

Dear God, I cannot stop thinking about you.
A melody passes through my ears
Invoking memories of times since past
The stars, so inviting
Revealed many truths I have yet to find fault with

What I found then
Has changed my life
For the better
Dear God, I cannot stop thinking about you.
Sam Dickinson 2010
If you really love me enough to
let me go without a fight
or a protest or even a “Please,
stay here with me,” then I suppose
I love you enough to walk away
without saying  

goodbye.

— The End —