do I really care about you?

authentically

no, but I would still kiss away a perpetual need
of some kind of

more
I would kiss away the perpetual need of more of my kisses, even
until they became ripe in your circulation

without your tact

like the first time an apple becomes an apple
without knowing it’s an apple

ripe

raw, sweet

without tact

without my tact
would I really care about you?

I’ve been on the floor bathing in dishrags and dust particles
I feel filthy
troublesome and unwanted

I’ve lost faith in succeeding
all I’ve got is gritty tact, sticking to its guns

do I really care about myself?
no,

but still, I would kiss away someone else’s pain to have a purpose
and I would love them in a moment  

even if I wasn’t loved in return

I cannot sleep again.

the sound of the sprinklers
almost calms me
but then I remember
that it is just synthetic rain

I tried to put the fire out
but your words are like gasoline
and my paper heart is no match
for the flames that consume it

A familiar line dances across
the frontal lobes of my brain
(about three years and a day)

my love for you no longer exists
my love for you no longer exists
my love for you no longer exists

if I say it enough
I'll start to believe it

if there is no harvest, on what will you feast
but the rotting black corpse of all that's deceased

nature had planted its seeds and prepared
and waited on you to then grow what was there

bodies amassed in the fields, spread afar
but nobody was who they'd said that they are

they toiled and played while wasting their time
and none of them paid to the crops any mind

ripe in their ways and the choices they'd made
everyone thought they'd be welcoming grain

but Fall came around and revealed something else
that the only things grown were personal hells

You don’t wanna know what goes on in my head on cold winter nights
When everythings wrong and nothing is right;
Even my own mind scares me sometimes.

Time melting on your tongue,
Cerebral cortex banging until numb.
Wasting sleep with a book.
Dodging a nightmare word by word.

Pixilized contact never to last
For on the other side
Are the destructive eyes
That tore out your insides.

Chapter after chapter
****** rises and falls.
Tragic ending exposed:
You, all alone.

Lean on cats, novels,
Maybe even dopamine.
It won't change a thing
For your birthday, all you'll get is tears.

Crutches you choose
Crack, and can't hold the weight
Of the pathetic life you live
As your personality slowly disintegrates.