if i could count the number of times
i've prayed to forget,
or wished to deflect
my feelings
when your rejection
stings me,
it would outnumber the stars in the sky.
but if i loved less,
chiseled out and repressed
my indulgent heart,
would i remain this person?
could i give myself away
just to be certain,
that the sharpness of dodged glances
would no longer lead to submersion
into a sea of glass shards,
ripping and tearing
blood thickening
into rocky scars,
barricading my laughter
burying my spirit in the rafters
to be stolen by scavengers -
you *******.
train my body to love you,
only to rip the bone from sinew
and regurgitate the overused pieces
spitting
them
as feces -
i am a junkyard.
mark my soul as marred,
guarded by ghoulish goblins who
gamble keys to sacred chambers,
spilling mysteries of the inner sanctum
for two swigs of liquor
and a foolhardy anthem.
mock me if you will,
but my honesty still
beats
your
silence.
i want your soul to boil over and spill,
all over the floor,
so i can see if you're sincerely disgusted
by the truth i entrusted
to your cloudy conscious.
i hope you forget all of this
as the morning sun wakes you hazy
and finds you hastily
running
away
again,
to escape me.
i have made too many bargains.
the devil seized my soul
so i could hold you in my arms
for five more measly seconds.
i refuse to keep
stumbling over regret
but,
what a fool i was,
to think i was your friend
instead of your
*****
little
secret.

unsolicited, unwelcome, and unexpected,
the universe gave me a
crash course
in the fact that:
this life is fragile, wafer thin -
and we are but dust sailing aimlessly in the wind.
it planted a quivering seed in my bones,
and instantly grew
a sinking feeling in my marrow
that i've been sleeping through my best days,
giving them carelessly away
to hesitation
to hate
to fear,
so i've resolved,
to be HERE
now -
to leap across the abyss
while i can,
to dance and sing and stretch out my hands, screaming:
"THIS IS IT BABY!!
THERE'S NOTHING TO WAIT AROUND FOR!"
and if i land flat on my face,
then i'll embrace the rough ground
taste the sweet dirt,
knowing you're slowly transforming into earth,
and one day
i will too.
children will frolic upon our decomposed noses,
and pick wild roses from our brains,
they'll smell of
moon laughter and
etherial refrains.
freed of our temporary cage,
our spirits will expand infinitely,
exist as sky
as rain
as majestic oak tree.

a blink. a gasp. a sharp thud.

the earth is quaking,
soul shaking,
mind breaking.
this cannot be.
i must be trapped in an alternate reality,
and its gruesome fallacies
are bringing me to my knees.
my stomach is a knotted tree,
spitting out thick profanities
at demons who mock me
and my ghastly scream:
"how can this be?"

in every dream i'm fallingfallingfallingfalling
no bottom to the depths,
and when my eyes jolt open
i wonder,
"is this how you felt,
like there was no ******* end?"

but i choose to believe
you were flying -
soaring over valleys of wildflowers,
as rivers powerfully
race you
across sun-soaked lands,
through layers of hot quick sand
and into the vast ocean
reflecting moonbeams and old daydreams.
as osiris weaves
your laughter through
the tapestry of stars,
and guides your flight
round saturn's rings,
and spins you off to galaxies
where you glide past suns i cannot see.
you're bouncing off comets,
growing unbreakable wings.
and oh, darling,
you're universes beyond me,
gloriously wrapped in the heavens.

but in the deepest caverns
of my hollowed out heart
your spirit resides still,
and your joy and energy and love will
always reflect the universal pull
of the web which connects us all.
and though your body may no longer be with me,
your soul has transcended into everything i can and cannot see,
and one day -
one beautiful day,
we will all join you in eternity
laughing and dancing and free.

thank you, for sharing your light with me.

out from under the glimpse of a moment
a kaleidoscope of perspectives
possible perceptions of  a singular point
in time & space infinite in shade
colored by infinitesimal variations in vantage point
yet each angle paints a masterpiece worlds apart
and every pair of eyes sets binoculars
to a different spec of the scene
minds collecting fragments of reality
lets pile our puzzle pieces till our hearts agree