I’ll keep your secrets,
but you won’t keep me.
You’ll spend time with me,
and you’ll tell me promises
that aren’t quite lies, yet.
But I know they will be.
You'll only throw me out,
just leave me standing there.
The lash of words you say
will cut like daggers
straight through me.

But your secrets won’t leak out
and I won’t seek for revenge.
Instead, I let you go.
Knowing full well that you’ll regret
your actions and your crushing words.
I can’t say how long it will
take you to realize it, but you will.
And when you do, you’ll come back,
just like they all do.

You’ll start to express how sorry you are.
For all of the terrible things you said to me.
How I didn’t deserve any of it.
How you were so wrong.
How you hope I’ll forgive you.
And I’ll tell you what I tell the rest.
          It’s fine. It’s just life. I’m not one to hold
          a grudge and I haven’t. Thank you for
          your apology, I really appreciate it.

And we’ll talk for a while;
try to get back to old times.
But it won’t work.
You’ve already hurt me.
And from that I grew, and I learned.
But I didn’t learn enough
to not live the story again and again.

The thing is: I don’t have to be nice.
I could share your secrets with the world.
I could make your life hell,
just like you’ve made mine.
I don’t have to forgive you.
I could hate you.

But that’s not how I am.
And even though time and time again
I go on abandoned and unappreciated
I still swear to keep your secrets safe.
I still meant the statements that followed every “I promise”
And I still care about you.

But not in the same way I used to.
You were still wrong, and now I just wish you the best.

I miss your sun and all its warmth as it gave me hugs when I stepped outside
The way you took the clouds and held them in your big blue space
You let me feel the green grass grow beneath my feet
Can we just lay here a while, in complete simplicity?
Rain or shine, I enjoy the whispers you sent me through the wind
Now the ice is melting, like sprinkling rain upon my head
Lately I’ve been dreaming of how your embers used to shine
Of how you took care of me in times of need and in times of goodness
Bring me back to the times where I could just close my eyes in the outdoors
And fall in love with you again
I can’t wait for your birds to sing to me their sweet melodies
I want nothing but your open air and open water
Just let me take it all in again, bring back your long lost friend
The trees are bare but I remember when you had them surrounded by leaves of green
Oh and all the creatures you sent out, especially the ones at night
How they clattered and squealed, I could watch them from my window
You would bring me out on lonely nights and distract me with your beauty
I miss your beauty, the way every single thing captured my eye
I can’t wait to gaze up at your sky without any worry in the world
Bring back the colors you loved to blend, the same ones I fell in awe to
Let me travel your rivers and streams again, barefoot, the only way to feel
I want to get ***** in your mud again, creating pictures with my limbs
Bring me to an open field, just so I can run, and fall into you, and laugh, and smile.
Just come back, bring it all back and give me something to enjoy again.

This love-hate affair had been going on since seventh grade
When I first stepped foot onto that oval shaped piece of hell
After all that time, crying, wishing, regretting, and failing
I swore that if I ever manned up and told my father no,
        I wouldn’t miss a thing.
After years of putting myself out there
On that track and in the middle of that open field,
After trying so hard but just not physically being capable to do it,
Or maybe I wasn’t mentally able to allow myself to go faster…
        These words are what I clench back with my teeth.
                I miss the early morning workouts that sent me straight to bed later on
                I miss the relief of finding out we weren’t going to have a hard day, instead, yoga
                I miss being able to brag about how hard my workout was the day before
                I miss rolling out of bed, grabbing my bag and driving myself to school at 5:30,
                        Ready to fall back asleep on the bus ride to our meet
                I miss being the sloth of the team, sleeping any chance I got, in any spot
                I miss the butterfly feeling I got before the gun went off
                I miss how exhausted I would be halfway through my race
                I miss planning where and when I would purposely fall down and hurt myself
                        Even though it never really came to that
                I miss the cheering of the team collectively as each runner ran by
                I miss the shouts of numbers and praises telling me to go faster, faster!
                I miss the rush of adrenalin that would pump through as the finish line got closer
                I miss finishing, and thinking of how much harder I could have gone, but didn’t
                        Every race would end in feelings of failure, but they really weren’t
                I miss playing around with my friends when we were all finished with our competitions
                I miss yelling at my teammates to keep it up! And reassuring them that they could do it!
                I miss being not good at competing, and being put in the slower groups during practices
                I miss feeling embarrassed as the other teams watched us run, and me, falling behind
                        I miss how we would all go faster when there were boys around, no matter what
                I miss my coach’s pep talks that were insightful for real life too, not just for running
                I miss being able to vent on runs, through talking and the pounding of my feet
                I miss sharing with everyone I hated running and practice and meets and being there
                I miss telling everyone that my dad made me run and that’s why I was there
                        Even though I could have stopped myself if I actually, truly wanted to
It’s not that I miss the sport or the people right now
It’s that I miss the way it was when we all first started
When all of my friends were with me
But slowly, one by one, they started peeling away
Splitting off into their own directions, deciding to move on
I was the leftovers. I did not matter. No one cared.

And that’s when I started not to miss these things anymore.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You got me to cry, you yelled until I did.
                        You love it, don’t you? I can tell.
You got me to feel like I’m worth nothing.
You got me to hurt myself, again.
You got me to think I’m a failure.
You got me back in the state of mind
                        Where I just want to die.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You got me to hate your guts.
You got me to swear never to come back.
You got me real excited to leave here forever.
                        You wonder why I like being everywhere
                        but here?           THIS IS WHY.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You got your son to hate you no matter what.
You got your wife afraid to stop you.
Your children are terrified of you.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You left, again.
You don’t think any of us would LOVE to do that too?
I would. If you didn’t still have control over me.
He would. If he didn’t still have four years here,
                        Living with the monster.
She would. If when she came back you didn’t still
                        Scream at her more.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You proved me wrong.
I thought things were getting better between us.
I guess that was too much for you.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Congratulations, jack ***.
I hate you.

Anticipating and longing
For that next first kiss

Tingling butterflies and
Unavoidable smiles

Face tilted down, but
My eyes would stare up into yours

Hands held. A little thing
That puts me on top of the world

Sweet hugs that never seem
To last long enough

But still give me the bliss of
Being held in your arms

Dreams of cuddling on couches,
Just embrace me

A satisfying sense of belonging,
Being safe, and being loved

I find you, your laugh and
Your grin, utterly adorable

Your silliness sparks and lights a
Fire inside of my soul

I beg for the brush of
Your whisper against my neck

Awaiting for a someday to
Finally appear

So maybe you’re not ready to settle,
To commit completely

Neither am I. But we can stay and
Enjoy each other for the time being

No one wants to be alone,
So come on over to my side of the room

Wrap that arm around me and
I’ll kiss you on the cheek

I don’t know the
Story behind the face

But you could pleasure me with
Your voice and tell me everything

Feelings and thoughts
Inspired by you

But will I ever let them meet
The influencing personality?

Maybe. But you’ll have to
Ignite the chase

it’s times like these
when I know that I will travel somewhere else in my life
and not give a **** about how you’re doing.
you might call me sometimes to check up on me
and I will not answer.
I will be away from you.
away from every memory we ever had.
good or bad,
I’m willing to leave it all behind.
you took a plain and peaceful day
and made it all go away.
over the next few years we will slowly slip away,
I won’t care.
ever since I was little,
I tried to please you,
tried to make you laugh.
I remember never being able to make you laugh.
nothing I do is good enough for you
no matter how hard I try.
I am your only one,
and you ruin me with every breath you take,
with every word you spit at me.
I can’t wait for you to realize and regret
everything you did.
I can’t wait until you realize how strong I had to be
in order to put up with all your nonsense.
I always wanted you to be loving and caring,
to appreciate me at all times.
but I never believed I lived in a fairytale life,
and you aren’t the kind person that you should’ve been.
getting away from you is hard because you’re here all day and all night.
I am not the age where I can just run away,
no matter how hard I wish for it.
I guess the only thing I can do now is to stay away from you,
wherever you are.
I don’t want you to meet my friends,
or the boys I grow fond of.
I don’t want you to walk me down the aisle,
or meet my future children.
I don’t want to invite them into the hostility of your environment.
I’ve always been told to stay away from bad influences,
and people who treated me wrong,
to stay away from people who didn’t deserve my presence,
and so I’m getting away
and staying away from you.
Goodbye.

I Know exactly what got me here.
Don’t Think twice for a second.
Trust Me, when I say I’ll be okay with
Myself Eventually. Right now I feel
Alone There are
Too Many thoughts racing.
Many More than ever before.
Sharp Images.
Things Are shaky, they never seem clear
To The eyes of the beholder.

Cut Out the good,
With Just one try.
Capsules Of happiness
To Make all the nightmares disappear. You just have to
Swallow Back into the real. I’ll tie these feelings with a
String And allow them
To Hold up everything on display.
Tie The knots, and the bows
Around The times, that
My Heart held dear. Like the necklace around my
Neck That I hold when things aren’t clear.

i used to be confident.
i used to be strong.
now i am nothing.
and everything is wrong.

I cut you off because I thought I needed change and
nothing was really helping.  So I decided to go physical, I
needed to see a difference in order to feel a difference.  And if
there’s something I have learned, is that I have always loved
my hair.  Even when I hated everything, it was there for me to
stare & get lost in its tangled colors.
            So maybe I’m silly, and ridiculous, and maybe this is
no big deal… to you.  But to me, I am sad and regret ever
thinking I needed to change myself.  Go ahead and laugh and
taunt and tell me, “It’s just hair.”  I don’t care. I’m not much of
a girly-girl and I don’t give a **** what my hair ever looks like,
at least I didn’t when it was long and luscious.
            It was all in my mind and what now?  Now I’m left
without the comfort of my long blonde locks.  Stuck with this
short, uneven **** and I know what I need to do to fix it.  But
for that I need to cut it more, I dare not, and I also need a
time machine.  To make it grow out, longer, longer, faster,
now!  But now it’s annoying and the stupid kinks are stupid
and dumb.
            And god, so am I.  And yes, I sound like a child.
                        But that’s cool, ‘cuz I am.
Lesson learned.

And I found her there
With green eyes and long blonde hair
Laying motionless

Red blood, dead, blood red
And she lay in peaceful pain
But this wasn’t vein

Unpredictable
It could have been tragedy
Her face hints a smile

I stay for a while
Staring at what used to be
Jagged marks on flesh

Her eyes, looking off
To a space, a better place
But her family cries

Not much life had lived
In her poor, helpless body
But it was too late

Lessons went unlearned
And we couldn’t stop her fate
The knife that slit her

Her body quit her
Contents of pills that spilled in
She loved the embrace

I looked at her face
Although dead, she was happy
Underneath bruises

Seeping out in blood
The blade told us her story
Marks for this and that

But she didn’t care
She loved the things she had done
There was something missed

At first when you saw
The scene made you look away
But my eyes had stayed

I saw the beauty
The fragile soul that let go
I took her limp hand

Closed my eyes and prayed
That she had found the place that
She was looking for

And then I saw it
“There’s got to be more than this.”
Carved into her arm

You yelled and blamed, turned the innocence to shame and I was finally fed up.
Your tricked me, tripped me, and pushed me down into self-doubt and utter sadness.
I was desperate,
Thinking I could only rely on what I used to do.
The prescription that said my name called out with a familiar voice and said,
“Where have you been?” And as it lured me in, “Don’t you know you can’t be happy without me?”
And so I gave in, but only out of spite.
In all honesty, I really wasn’t trying to do any harm,
But with all the blames of emotions caused by something not yellow, but by you,
I thought, “****, watch me take two.”
But after months of not taking a substance that messes with your head,
And going from 0 to 200 instead…
I should have eased in, and should not have gone over the line that was marked as enough.
I was sick of being crabby and wanting to cry, I wanted a quick fix and I didn’t want to try.

Fast forward to the shaky feeling I knew all too well from that one night in late September.
Coming at me like lightning bolts from outer space,
I couldn’t keep up and my body wasn’t backing down.
The trials of growing pain soreness and worn out aches start to overflow
And spill out of my arms and legs.
Hurting, cramping, shaking, all because I went from 0 to 200
And all I can think about now is how thankful I am that 500 more didn’t slip out into my hand.

Late at night after all the fussing and hustling, the dreams started to kick in and mine were
Interrupted
By shakes and pains, and now that bathroom is calling my name.
Try to breathe and get that dizziness out of my head,
My parents talk instead.
I can’t let them see me now, hear me now.
Because before I knew it, all 200mg and the nothingness I ate that day are spilling out
And my face hurts, but my body is relieved.
I remember reading about how they’d turn your stomach inside out.
Not enough to go, just too much to handle.

Still shaky at 7:03 but glad my body takes care of me.
While I’m not immune to any sickness, I should have been smart enough to know,
To remember,
That my body would never let me go
The quick fix isn’t in an unmarked pill given to the mentally ill,
But by a smile, if I’d just let you give it to me and let it come out once in a while.
The only shakiness I ever want to feel again is the butterflies given from your eyes
Or the little shivers we get when we spend our nights outside.

At 0, I’ve been happy, and more alive than I’ve felt in years.
At 200, I begin to physically combust.
And so the next time you ask me why the slots are still filled,
I’ll just tell you, it’s because I’m happy without them.

I smile because you make me
Just let me stay for a while
Something so sweet
This simple act makes me complete

I’ve never met a smile that felt so right
My own gives me butterflies
And you give them to me best

Mine belongs to you
I feel it every time I do

I’m addicted to look you put on my face
It’s anything but familiar

Oh darling,
You’re so charming
Please promise to never leave my side

Barefoot convertible drives made me feel alive
As I did while running through the late night rain
But bright lights and fire pit smoke kept me awake
The fire fell and finally burnt out
And the tingles in your tiptoes no longer crept
Boom, boom as the heart tick tocks
Running circles ‘round blocks
And I got caught up in the moment
The moment of another time
When yours was mine and I-
I never spoke in solitude
The egg cracked, the glass shattered
And slipped away the happy pattern
Woke up and the first thought wasn’t you
All the feelings felt were untrue
And I realized I was left completely alone
Feeling helpless in this place I call home
Not good enough for chance,
At this point, how could feet possibly dance?
You lit a match that instantly sent my thoughts to hell
I started telling stories as my heart fell
Possibilities scattered, tears poured, but all was silent

One fun and flirty
Cute and reminds me of
Someone else
But only in the good ways.
Goofy kid, great laugh
Always lots of fun to have
With him.
                                                          T@K3N
One quite ridiculous in
Every fantastic way possible
Crawling in smiles
Connection as best
Not needing more intentions
From him.
                                                          T@K3N
One unfamiliar
With a mysterious composition
I see, I hear,
And that’s as much as I know
About him.
                                                          T@K3N
One from stranger
To even stranger
Repressed and second guessed
Friendly face
But that’s all that’s left
Of him.
                                                          T@K3N
One like this
Dreams, wishes, hopes
Crash? Burn? Tumble?
What if my imaginary
Walls crumble?
Who are you now and
Is there even a god?
Other things consume
Him.
                                                          T@K3N
And then she appears
Out of the darkness
Holding her fears
Swarmed in tears
Pleading for emotion
But knowing it’s no good here
And therefore she resumes
Without a him.
                                                          N0T T@K3N

i miss the simple things
like a sincere smile
with love behind the eyes
the warm tickle of a touch
and when i could hold hands
the body next to mine as they sit
as they lay
as they are from separate parts of one room
the easy brush of bones as they pass by,
i will never enjoy goosebumbs more
but for now,
it's still wishing, wanting, waiting
yours for the taking.
music in my mind
and blood in my soul
rescue me
whoever you are
wherever you are
i am anticipating your discovery
i miss the simple things,
like watching movies
and eating food
enjoying the company of someone you're fond of
get-to-know-you talks and
discovering the stories of one life
its for the simple things,
i am wishing
for the simple things,
i am wanting
for the simple things,
i am waiting
i am yours for the taking

once.
I knew you for a weekend.
Saw you once after.
You were attractive, yes.
And I enjoyed the conversations we had.
Our words went a little deeper than scratches at the surface.
The way we made each other laugh.
And your smile, it gave me tingles.

Strangers yet again.
but thanks to social media advancements,
I can see the songs you listen to.
And if you could just tell me why, why they’re so sad.
Eyes like those should smile.

Sending positive vibes your way my weekend pal.
And hoping our paths cross sometime again, too.

Well I was too afraid to sleep last night
Stayed up until 4:30
Trying to get you off my mind
I was too afraid to sleep last night
Because I knew you'd be there too.

I was right.

I dreamt of you
In the clearest ways,
Everything was real.
I dreamt of you,
And in that dream
You told me what I wanted you to feel.

In mid-kiss I had awoken
Slow to realize
The words were never spoken.
I lay back down in disbelief
I was still left broken.

I don’t care
If it’s something
Silly
Or
Insignificant
It hurts
Time and time
Again and again
I let this happen
No escape
From feelings like
These
They haunt
And taunt
Until I breakdown
Until I cry
You laugh
Tell me I’m
Ridiculous
But I’m really
Not
Things have just
Been building
Up
And I don’t know
Where to put
These bottled
Emotions
I can’t
Control
Them
I let them infest
Every being
Of my
Body
With no one
To go to
No shoulder to
Lean on
I’m confused
And
Feeling abused
I’m sick of
Everything
My mind has
Checked
Out

The room was hot
Her skin was dry
In speckled formations
That resembled alligator skin
Laughter from the room over
And the buzzing of the refrigerator
Were the only
Outside noises
The ones inside her head though,
Those voices never rest
Outside from the window
Cars and people trickle by
As the night does
One cup of water
Filled too many times
The room was hot
But her fingers still cold
Slow breathing
Even slower tears
The couch was black
And its leather resembled
The texture of the skin
On her unevenly shaven legs
The wall was white, and flat, and hard
And she felt her spine against it
Each time she took a breath
She sat motionless
Her body sent tingles and itches
To make sure she knew
She was alive
The stillness of the air haunted her
Just as reality's voice crept in singing,
"You're still alone."

And exactly when everything was beginning to feel right,
Little pieces started to shatter off, unreachable, uncontainable
Indulging themselves with quick ways and smooth ways
Overwhelmed by yells and infested with thoughts of forget me not’s
Recognizable thoughts seep in and out of the brain waves
Some comforting, some riveting to remember and I ask them for more
And I stood by as the pain swelled and left a mark enough to tell
I want to run to you and cry to you, I would, and wish you’d hold me still
But you told me not to enter any kind of that into my mind
I cry out at night, and remember that I’m probably the last thing there
Too tired to sleep and too lonely to eat, I’ll die like this soon
G4910, I have not taken one since Tuesday… of last month
Bed sheets wet, I drowned them with my tears, the tears of fears.
Pillow cases black enough to be bruised, they journey on with me
The sounds of silence frighten me and cause me to tremble
A slight sadness, but out comes a breath of fresh air
Past, present, future, for which am I living for?
Past mistakes, messing up, and almost tragic endings, and good at the same
With laughter and cheer, kisses that were sincere, I had safety in the comfort
Present goods, with slipping in faults, mostly good times only bad when alone
Living life with and for things that I couldn’t possibly imagine before
Future times, so empty, an open canvas for me to explore, for me to design
But where am I going, who is coming with me and who will cut themselves out?
All unknowns, but they all feel right, and they all feel wrong
All uncertain and certain in their own particular ways, and my mind strays

Alright, soo...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm a chameleon.
You can put me with (mostly) any group of people and I can fit in,
I can get along with everyone and genuinely enjoy the things they enjoy too.

But just as a chameleon will never actually be what it looks like,
I will never feel like I actually fit in.

My childhood was kind of ruined by the "friends" I had.
I had friends who treated me like **** from first grade to junior year of high school.
I started out my senior year of high school all alone.
Sat by myself, kept to myself.
And then through the middle of the year I started hanging out with the group of friends
that I still have now.
But joining them so late, I was always just missing something.

I love them all to pieces, and am so thankful that this is where I've ended up.
But I've never been 100% comfortable with any of them.
And then I get to thinking that I've never been 100% comfortable with anyone.
I mean, I think I have, but it was so long ago I don't really remember.
After that, I get to thinking that I won't ever be able to be completely comfortable with anyone.
Part of me know's that just silly,
but then what if it's true?

I haven't had a best friend,
or someone to talk to about everything
in over, almost, two years now.
This is probably a lot of this problem.

Back to being this chameleon...
When it comes to preferences, I either have none, or all.
WIth music, I can enjoy pretty much everything.
When it comes to movies, I don't care enough to be the one to decide what to see.
My hobbies include everything; music, instruments, art, sports, critical thinking, exploring, writing, etc.
I'm really content with it all.
When people want to do something and give me choices,
most of the time it honestly doesn't matter to me which one happens.

That makes me feel like I have no opinions.
And people without opinions are usually boring.
Which makes me feel like I'm boring, and have nothing to offer anyone.

When I look at my friends, they all have some substance to them that makes them who they are.
And then there's me.
I don't know how many times I've heard, "you're just Julie!"
I have no idea what that actually means.
I keep trying to figure out who I am and whatnot,
but since I'm a chameleon, it's like I could be anything.
Which in return makes me feel like I'm nothing.

From there, I'm just lost and stuck.

I could probably talk to one of my friends about this,
honestly, I could talk to all of them and they would help me.
But I don't have the slightest clue as to how to approach the topic.
And every time I get the opportunity,
it seems to me like I'd just be complaining.
And I don't feel like I deserve to put this on anyone.
I don't want to be a burden.

For someone who enjoys almost everything,
and is liked by almost everyone.
I feel like I am nothing.

I still remember all of the songs
That meant something to us.
I remember the ones that made me think about you
And I listen to them in the spots that we claimed as ours.
I remember the ones that we danced to in your car,
As we laughed constantly at ourselves.
The ones we danced to and the ones that played
When we were alone in your room.

I remember the words you said and wrote.
I still replay them in my mind.
I remember exactly how and when
You told me you loved me.
I remember the feeling your words gave me.
I remember how I didn’t take a compliment from you,
But on the inside it meant the entire world to me.

I remember the time when you were my everything.
I was your everything.
And that was perfect for the both of us.
We were special in each other’s arms,
And in each other’s thoughts.
We made each other happy,
And that’s all we wanted for the future.

I remember messing up.
I got picky and aggravated at the dumbest things.
They’re things that I can’t even remember now
Because they were so insignificant.
But I also remember
The few times your words struck like a knife.
And when mine hurt you that much as well.

I remember how you would carry me on your back,
How you would look at me, smile at me, cuddle with me,
And hold me as I cried in your arms.

But I can’t seem to remember
How I lived before I met you.

The cheese stands alone
Sits alone and cries alone
She tells her guitar her troubles
It’s not so much the fact
That some don’t want to
It’s just that no one does
She walks on a crimson line
Tossing and turning
Trapped in her nightmare
She shouldn’t complain
But she can’t continue to pretend
She made a promise to herself
And she intends to keep it
Although, it could be stupid too
It could be a waste of time,
Energy and a loss of experience
There are two promises now
Semi-conflicting, but also the same
Rushed with stares and smiles
If she wanted to just run away
Could she head on over to your place?
The strange but familiar substance
Isn’t something to fear, especially
While new, close and
Compassionate friends are near
She needs to sit back, breathe and
Start to believe in the present
It’s like these good things are slipping
Through her fingers, sinking in quicksand
But no one is leaving
It’s all in her head, her stupid head
She rides in cars and then all of the sudden
That song comes on
Flashback memories of the one
And so she doesn’t really know what to do now
Slams on the guitar and races the car
Nothing matters, but everything does
What she would do to just be special
Man, whatever.

The pinkies go numb first.
I feel myself shake my head
as the memories pass by, all lies.
And I felt myself being dragged down
that path about 79 too many times.
Eyes sore, can’t tell if it’s from the war
or the storm.
Either way, it’s hard to look at you.
Cuz every time I talk too much,
and start to blush,
your face gets scared.
We pass by the dumbest ****.
Similar sidewalks remind me of long talks,
I’m ready for bedtime.
I fall into times where you close your eyes
and your speed starts to compromise, but no.
Quite faster than slow
running towards, reaching towards, hoping for
Death?
Say goodbye to the gentleman, no help up, no chair.
Clenched fists, you feel without finger tips
you touched me and tingles shot through my spine,
remembering your hand in mine.
My heart beats way too fast for you.
Others stare and share and speak compliments,
the words only sound right coming from you.
6:51, lights on.
The puddles have me following you too closely.
Julie in the sky with no moon, it’s lost without you.

sometimes i feel.

so myself, that i don’t even know who i am.
i am so content, with things going this way or that
that i don’t recognize this comfortability.
all i know is that i’m not uncomfortable with the facts, or the options.
it’s just a period with a bit of confuesness.
what else to do but wait.

it’s almost like a numbing sensation.
but it’s not- and it’s not that i feel, because i do, but i don’t.
and that is mostly what is going on.

How do you do it?

Capture someone's stare
because you are vivid movement.

But how do you
capture someone's soul?

One person.

So insignificant to
the world.

Becomes everything
to another.

No one even tries.
(usually)
(kinda)
(well, you know)

To spark the interest in
someone's mind.

How can I?

Be so consumed by
thoughts of your existence.

How do we
fall in love?

What makes a
person so fascinating?

Why are we all so intrigued?

Because I’d rather sit and wonder
Than hear the answers I can’t live with
And now we sit in peaceful silence
With wandered stares and guitar blares
Gone with the wind, like your mind,
Not resting in time
Reports cut short and if I cough I die
I came untied and my mind unraveled
It traveled to places I swore I’d never take it
And there I go, we go, you’re gone
And I’m still sitting in the distance
Quiet and the shower starts
Erases, paces, traces
Marks of the bruised and beaten, the scorn and slit
And with that lucky blade she made a trade
A deal with the devil,
They took it to another level
And the ears beat loud to sounds
Of cluttered corners and choppy loners
Sneaky chills and he calls
With names and blames playing the same games
With black eyes and striped grins
The voices make me tremble and with one hit,
One run, one hundred and ten pounds of guilt
Strapped to her back
Shoe tied laces and unmarked land
She collapsed.

My life lives in a repeat.
I notice what I’m doing now, and since we’re so far along the track I just don’t know where to
Stop It.
            “You got a new friend, well I got homies, but in the end it’s still so lonely.”
And that’s exactly what I’m doing to myself.
My best friend lives 210 miles away – maybe that’s because I’ve always been afraid of letting anyone else closer.
I was getting there, diving deeper in, to relationships and lives that could have had the potential to be unforgettable.
                                                                                    Fear Won.
At the end of my days, I pushed everyone else further
                                                            Pushing everything away and at the same time,
                                                            The impacting force shoves me right back,
                                                            Falling off the hill I so diligently tried to climb up in the first place.
The worst part?
            Everything is subconscious.
Zero control over what was going on – what’s still going on.
                        And I still don’t know how to
                        Fix It.
I’ve been pushing and running for the longest time now. I’ve always worried about the future outcomes and the ones from the past.
            Never paying attention to the smiling faces Right In Front Of Me
                                                                                                  Which all leads to Disappointment.
                                                                                                  All within myself, and soon shows up
                                                                                                  physically and then shown in other faces.
                        The result of this mess?
                                    Overwhelmed.
                                    It builds up, piles up, on top of me and soon I can’t breathe.
                                    Then someone messes with a part of the stack near the bottom.
                                    And like a Jenga Puzzle – it all goes tumbling down.
            The girl under there has no chance of survival.
                                                She weeps, sleeps and doesn’t make a peep on days that are gray.
                                                                     Keeps to herself and secretly wishes someone would care.
                                                                     Things are well hidden and unless she frowns,
                                                                     Or makes a sound…                                no one will know.

Towards the end, I thought it was right
I had known this was coming.
I was over it all; I was fine.
We had moved on, happily,
like nothing even happened to us.
But I remember a time when I broke down
crying because you left school early
for a weekend vacation.
You’re still here in the back of my mind.
I could ask you if you still felt anything,
but that wouldn’t be fair.
Not to you, not to me, not to anyone.
But I wish I could know that you were here…
Just in case…
What if I fall down?
You used to be there to pick me up.
Every time; without hesitation.
Now my safety net is so far away.
It’s tangled and twisted and
there are parts of it missing,
but it also has pieces that you never had.
We still talk as friends do,
but I used to call you “mine”.
After all of my world came down,
    there you were,
        still next to me,
            still smiling.
And now you’re gone.
Every time I see you
I hope you know what I’m feeling inside.
I used to say everything
and if I didn’t you would pry it out of me.
Now I say nothing.
You don’t ask, I don’t tell,
the words just stick in my mind.
I smile when we talk.  
I know it because once you walk away
my frown seems so much stronger.  
I’ve made such a mess of everything.
My thoughts consume me,
but you already knew that.
I’m scared right now.
What if I messed up?
Big time.
I’m mostly afraid that
I’m actually admitting these words-
even more so: on paper.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I never did.
You didn’t know what to do with me either.
I don’t blame you.
I look back on it now,
surprised with how long you stuck around.
I was such a miserable person,
you were my only good.
When it was over,
neither of us went through pain,
at least, I don’t recall it.
I didn’t think I needed it then,
but now I know I do.
I need some kind of closure.
Do you still think about the good times?
    Just like I do?
Do you miss the things that used to be ours?
    I know I do.I wish I could know what you felt
when we spoke, or when you saw my smile.
Because I know a part of me is vulnerable
to you when I see that grin.
You know, I still think we were great.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy.
There are things that are going well,
and that I wouldn’t change.
But when I see all that,
it makes me wonder even more-
why I still need you.
Why do I want you to be my backup?
When my mind wanders off and
I picture my future,
why do I still fit you into it?
I guess, emotionally,
I never worked well alone.
The last time I actually was…
You and I both know;
I wouldn’t make it out alive.
Maybe I just desire that something about you.
But I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that;
You know I miss you… right?

And it’s okay if your heart breaks
If your head aches
If you’d like to take
A stake
And stab the pain away
For another day
If you’re just too tired to pray
I don’t care about hamburger meat
Or white sheets
Wrapped around my frozen feet
I just want to sleep          
But even then
You haunt my dreams
I end up lost
In dark rooms
With feelings of gloom
And so I resume
To try to stay
In a way
That will make you happy
But I don’t care about you
The way you want me to
So gang up on me
Father, brother, stupid boy
There’s still something I’d like to say
To you
So if you find the time of day
To give me a chance
For that romance
We once had in a glance
Before it went away
So take off your pants
Let’s dance
The night into day
The music lets us sway
But I want you to remember
That it’s December
And I am cold: hearted
Not the way
That we started
Back in the month of May
When feelings were gray
When you got on your knees
And begged me to please
Not slip into a drought
And for all this I still shout
Get me the **** out

My days have come and gone, and I have ended up alone.
Hello, my biggest fear.
No one offers their shoulder for me to cry on.
No one is there to listen to me vent out my problems.
To be completely honest, I didn’t think it would get to this. Not to me. I wouldn’t end up with no one.
But I did. And… that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

I say that all nonchalantly but really, this kills me more with each day that goes by.
Days prior to the beginning of school, I lived in dread.
I knew I was alone.
I didn’t need to be reminded by it every day.
One deep breath as I walked in, this is ridiculous, I’m pathetic.

This is embarrassing.
This is my senior year in high school. I am alone.
I get there too early. I’m ready to go to class, books in hand. There are still ten minutes until the bell.
I’ve got nowhere to go, no one to talk to.
I’ll just sit here, in front of my locker.
I don’t know whether I feel exposed or hidden from everyone else.

As I sit there I hear laughter and excitement, “Hey! How are you?! I’ve missed you!”
I wouldn’t be hearing those words this time around.
And I didn’t.
As people pass by, they glance but nothing more.
I don’t hold it against them; my actions would be the same as theirs.

I sit in the library during my lunch hour.
Alone, of course.
It’s all fine, as fine as it will ever get I suppose.

I see people from my other classes.
But they don’t offer a hello, not even a simple smile.
They just pass on by as if I don’t exist.
Forget about the lonely girl in the corner.
She is invisible.

Sometimes I get ****** into thinking about the past.
Mostly about you.
And how there are no words to describe what we had,
because we never spoke about it.
We talked about how we didn’t talk about it.
And even when things kept progressing, we still never really talked.
Part of me misses you, but I don’t miss that.

I start to look back and realize that you really were my best friend that year.
Heck, my only friend.
But then I have to remember that I was miserable and sad.
I was so unhappy with my life and how things were going.
And even though I had you, I didn’t really have you, because I never knew your mind.
I thought I did, at times, but I always knew there was much more.

I was young then.
Only a year younger than I am now, but it makes all the difference.
Or maybe just the experience has taught me to grow.
Either way, when I look back…
I just see two silly adolescents,
looking for something neither of us could ever completely find in each other.

You intimidated me, you scared me, but you were also the only comfort I had.
I didn’t know what to say to you, what to ask, what to talk about.
When I think about it, I don’t think you knew what to do either.
It’s like, we were both the mysterious type, the ones that people are drawn to.
But when you put us together,
we just waited for the other one to try to figure us out.

Maybe, though, we were also afraid we’d get too attached.
To find out we really had the world in common and then- nothing.
Only to end up hours and miles away.
We knew that’s how it would all end anyways.

I don’t know, this is all from my perspective.
Part of me wishes I had the confidence then, that I do now.
Part of me wishes I would have tried harder to open up with you.
But most of me knows I just couldn’t back then.
And realistically, most of me is glad I don’t have the conversations, too,
to remember you by.

I tripped and fell
Hello dizzy spells
Wait, what the hell?
Wrong side of the road
It’s time to unload
Colors racing everywhere
Never seen a place with so much flare
Halfway around the world
Different lives soon to be swirled
Thankful for the trip
For the piece of mail I didn’t skip
Kick off my shoes
As I soak in the deep blue
What’s up surf boards
And headphone chords
Palm trees
With a warm breeze
Cute boys
And water toys
Tanned and toned,
Leave my thoughts postponed
Rippling tides
And emotional rides
I just decide to close my eyes
Wake up dead,
Sand underneath my head
Breathtaking sights
Crisp warm nights
Sprinkling rain here and there
Sun shining, beach dried hair
Airplane flights
Long nights
Stupid fights
One whole year,
Reached my biggest fear
Wake up at camp
Lick my letter, postage stamp
Come back home
With friends unknown
One drink, I took
One last look
At my best friend
Feelings start to blend
As I lay in the rain
Feeling all the pain
Of saying goodbye
Storm blends in with my cry
More feelings of being alone
What place should I call home?
Learning starts off as a blur
Depressed thoughts mixed with anger
Sweet hello’s fade to bitter goodbyes
Can no longer see the sparkle in your eyes
I don’t remember
Just like fire leaves ember
Up to the month of December
Life kept crashing down
Every smile greeted with a frown
But then I took one more
Before I fell to the floor
Found an old bliss
Something sworn off with a kiss
But you ran out of my life
I picked up the knife
One more inhale,
Ten more new tales
One more large sip,
I begin to get a grip
Of what it’s like to be happy
No more feeling ******
New faces,
New places,
Don’t leave any traces
I dare to rebel
So now I won’t dwell
On my past
On the things that didn’t last
For the millions of reasons
Or maybe the changing of the seasons
From my summer to winter,
This is what comes out of my printer.

drip, drip, drop
goes the coffee ***
as the blue birds sing
and bring
out signs of spring
my heavy eyes
compromise
with the sun rise
the warm weather
is no surprise
just a gift
a lift
to let us breathe again
my friend
lay with me until the end

She lies on a bed
Engulfed in black sheets
With nothing but
Herself, her mind and the music.

She falls into familiar patterns.

Empty thoughts containing
Masses of emotion
Begin to rattle her brain.

Using the beats and melody
To drown out her voice
She knows she needs
To make a choice.

Let the monsters consume her, or
Resume in her happiness.

Each path would be easy to
Take and wander upon.

She’s been down both,
But which appeals to her most?

She stays still, staring at
Her white ceiling and blue walls
Letting the shadows guide her eyes.

Over to the dresses that danced with boys,
Past the medals that still shout out failure,
Mixed in zigzags and colors,
But mostly blacks and blues,
Off to empty bottles filled with roses,
A drawer full of notes containing memories,
Empty drink glasses and wrappers,
Papers and pens mixed in with stickers and beads,
Mounds of sweatshirts that
Hide her insecurities.

Her mind is made up.
Her choice is to sleep.

Reflections through puddles and glass
The mirror only tells half the story
Get over your lullabies sweet child
1, 2, skip a few, the days go by so slowly

I’d walk through summer heat and rain
But as my fingernails dig deep,
There are no following footsteps,
Never any cravings other than my own

The siren frogs and sitting logs
Eyes like a bug, attracted to the light
But I can’t back away from the sky
And I told myself months ago…

                        Don’t be the chaser.

Dear Life, I am so sorry.

For wishing you were something different,
For saying all of those terrible, hateful things about you,
For hating you so much that I wanted you gone.
I didn’t want to have anything to do with you.
And I tried, but you never let me leave,
And I hated you even more for that.

Instead, you gave me a brother.
A child I could never abandon,
A little boy who held happiness in his eyes,
A boy whose joy seeped into my wounds
And for a second,
Made my world a better place.

Then you gave me a friend.
But not just any friend, this one was special.
So special, that two-hundred miles could not keep us apart.
The distance didn’t stop the love.
And his love for my miserable soul kept me sane.
I knew I couldn’t just give up someone like that.

I never understood you and
I probably never will.
But I am so sorry that I had never loved you.
I never found the joy in you,
Or the happiness,
Or the pleasure,
I was never satisfied with you.
I knew I didn’t have it worst,
But I still couldn’t handle you.
All I felt from you was the pain and sadness.
The madness that you sent through my head,
I absolutely hated it.

I am incredibly sorry
And now, incredibly thankful.
I was blind to your greatness but
Now I can see everything.
The colors are more vibrant and
The laughter is louder
The love is stronger and
The hugs, more compassionate.
My smiles are real and when I say, “I’m happy”, I mean it.

I don’t know what you did
Or how you changed my mind,
But I thank you.
I don’t know how you did it.

Maybe this was your plan all along.
You put me in a darkened room with
A few pretty bursts of light here and there.
I thought they were happiness
And then all of the light faded,
You took everything away.
And when you decided I was ready,
You welcomed me into a new place
A place I can’t completely describe
But in this new room, I am alive.

I used to be able to sleep,
But now being awake is so much more enjoyable.
Thank you for finally letting me in on
The secret that I have been envious of for so long.
Thank you for making me wait.
I needed nothing in order to appreciate everything.

I understand that you can’t keep me happy all of the time.
You’ll send some more challenges my way.
But as long as you promise to keep showing me the good,
I will be forever grateful.

Life, I sincerely love you.
Forever yours, for as long as you’ll have me,
                -Julie

My hair smells like fresh air gone stale and
The lines in my hands are engraved with dirt
I took off my shoes, got a little wet, got a little muddy
Went a little numb, but the excitement was worth it
Climbed through sticks and trees, twigs and leaves
Saw the sun at its peak and watched it disappear
Squirrels rummaging, ducks quacking, people laughing
Rode on four wheels with summertime music playing
And on a different set with a familiar breeze at my neck
5 hours, 8 scrapes, 3 mud stains, 1 smile, 1 you
The day pulled and pulled itself on through
And there are plenty more adventures to come
For this, this was just day one.

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
Monsters on the outside and different monsters on the inside
Play the screaming music, loud, and scream to it, too
Sick of it all, of you, of him, of her, of putting on the mask
They never believed in her and so she doesn’t anymore either
She’d like you to know how bruised up and broken she feels
If the time is right, she’ll let you know by sight

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
She could cut up and punch down, walk out without a frown
Cause all that would make everything fine, at least for this time
And then what would you think of her
Your little girl, threw herself to the demons, let them take over
Go ahead and point your fingers, do what you will,
But don’t you dare try running away from the blame

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
All you’d hear from the outside is the music blaring loud
No screams, no cries, no words, no whispers
So maybe this is her goodbye, maybe she won’t leave a note
She’s already told you, time after ******* time,
That she couldn’t bear to breath any longer, but you ignored
Her music fades and so does your yelling, as well as her life
Break down the door, you’ll find her on the floor

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
You can lock her in to keep her from exploring,
            But nothing’s stopping her from leaving forever.

“I want my life back”
No-no-no
I don’t want my life back
I like exactly where it’s spit me out

          “I’m invisible, I always have been, and I always will be”
I’m not invisible
I’m just unseen by those who mean
Absolutely nothing to me

          “I’m a mess of a person, all I make are mistakes”
I am a ******’ hot mess and
The mistakes I make
Lead me to wonderful places

          “I want to die”
**** that.
This life is irreplaceable

Brick Walls fall apart like
     W
      A
        T
           E
            R
                F
                   A
                     L
                       L
                          S
                             And words spoken out loud but they are only
                             All just wishful thinking like in some Fairytale…
                             And in that fairytale you left me Speechless.                                                                        Happy.
                                                                       Excited.                                                                        Mesmerized.
                                                                       In Love.
                                                                       So don’t you dare take your words
Back now.
          My pleasant thoughts bursting like bubbles in my mind being killed by some
          murderer.
          But they always find their way back together like magnets.
          First kiss: hesitant, smile, warm, passionate.
                             Your sweet voice spoke; “Why did I like that kiss so much?”
                                                              My heart is pounding.
                                                              My thoughts are racing            
                                                              On my face lies a permanent smile.

| In your arms I was perfect | This is happening | We are speechless | Caught up in each other’s eyes |

Our warm bodies keeping each other comfortable in the coldness of the night.
Hugging you was the safest feeling I have ever encountered in my entire life.
With one look at you my body goes numb.
My limbs tingle with excitement and my head feels dizzy.
You are incredible, you are unbelievable, and you are… you.
And you must be mine.

You asked me what I felt when I kissed you.
I replied with: Happiness.
But what you don’t know is that I don’t ever use that word to describe myself.

This happiness means;
I’m filled with joy; this is perfection; all I see is you; I have no worries;
I’m tremendously excited; I feel so upbeat; I must be so blessed;
you make me feel alive; all I want is for you to be mine.

I was scared, but I still asked, “Could we ever be together?”
You responded with six words,
the six words that are still skipping on a record player in my mind.
“I sure as hell hope so.”
And with that you gave me your smile,
wrapped it in a kiss, and sent me into my dreams.

She sat alone on the water.
Staring up to the sky
With the moon beaming down
Onto and reflecting off of the water.
And she started to cry.
Tears flooding down her face,
She didn’t care, no one was there.
Because she loved him.
And he was inside making memories
With a girl, that wasn’t her.

Footsteps followed by footsteps,
She knew it wasn’t,
But she wished for them to be yours.
They weren’t.
Just from a stranger passing by.
“how are you doing tonight?”   “fine.”
And the stranger-boy walked on.
She continued to look up to the moon,
Watching the stars and
Wishing she could go that far away.

Music and laughter spilled out
From the building behind her.
And the footsteps came back.
“you sure you’re alright?”   “yeah.”
And he decided to sit down next to her.
“there’s no need to lie to a stranger, you know.”
So they sat together,
Feet dripping and swaying
In the night-chilled water while they talked.
And she told the story for the very first time.

As time reached late, they each had to go home.
They said their goodbyes and
She walked back alone.
Hoping you would be there,
Wondering where she went,
Where she had been.
She walked in and all eyes were on her.
But none of them were his.
She sat there for a while,
Waiting for you to come back for the night.
Minutes passed and the door opened.
Finally, you had come back…
…With the other girl.

And she decided that was enough
Tug-of-war on her feeble heart for one night.
So she went to bed,
Without a goodnight.

they said get comfortable
and I tried

that silence wasn't always bad
I learned to believe it
and as I did
it had consumed me

too comfortable with nothing
forgot to say something

so, silence.

more silence.

until the silence got so quiet
it disappeared
as did I

it was not loud
or tense
or comfortable
anymore

then I remembered
they said get comfortable
so I'm trying

Oh hell yes
I love this
                    Feeling
Numb
          Exotic
                   Dangerous
          Crazy
One more, one more.
Just give me more.
                   Dance
Dance
          Dance
Until I fall to the floor
                   Slip on ice
Laugh it off
          Fall to the ground
I don’t feel a thing
I don’t feel anything
Except for this
                   Laughter
Excitement
          Silliness
                             Life.
Out of body experience
In my own flesh.
The colors mesh.
The people smile
We sit and enjoy for a while.

Here we go again.
I’m sitting here,
Thinking about you,
Reading notes from a year ago
And I can’t help but think about it.
How it all went down hill
I can’t even remember.
You said you never wanted anything to change
And I know I never did either.
But somewhere along the line it did,
And I’m sorry that it was probably my fault.
Things usually are.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here.
You weren’t just someone I was with.
You were someone I loved.
You’re someone I still love.
You were my best friend.
I know I’ve said it to you before,
But I see it clearly now.
You were all I needed every day to be happy.
I miss seeing my boy every single day.
My mind is so scattered.
I can’t remember if this is what I wanted,
Or thought I wanted,
Or if it’s all just one big mistake that
I don’t know how to get myself out of.
I see you in the hallways once in a while.
You smile, I smile, and every time I tell myself,
“Yep. I love him.”
But if I do, and it feels like I do,
Then why did it end in the first place?
What went wrong?
When did we start all the fighting and
Bickering about the stupidest things?
Maybe your mind is clearer than mine.
Maybe you remember exactly what happened
And know that this arrangement is for the best.
Maybe this is what you want.
But since you weren’t just someone I loved,
Would you still be my best friend?
I always seem to lose mine.

Her cheeks heated and flushed with fury and confusion.
The cool tears drip through the curves of her face
And drop off the sides, sliding down her neck,
Soaked up by her shirt and makeup stained pillows.
Red, stinging, eyes and heart from being tugged and rubbed.
            Stomach Dropped.
                                    Throat Dry.
                                                    Black Out.
Keep her crying, it’ll keep her breathing.
The world spins ‘round, and that smile is more of a frown.
Trembles and questions resulting in zero answers.
Helplessly waiting, anticipating, everything that could go wrong.
                                    But Hasn’t.
There was known cognitive dissonance within,
Inside the black voids they call her mind, not right.
Recognizable paths both leading in heartbreak directions.
But she chose happiness, or, wanted to.
            Something’s                                           off.
And no one will tell her what the secret is, or how to follow its sound.
Something she’ll never be.          Found.
            She’s Lost.
You wanted to show her the way and beauty of the world,
And she wanted you to be her adventurous leader, too.

You spoke and your words ran on and on and on.
She heard every one of them.
Each cut and healed with every other syllable.
You took a step back and with what little breath she had,
She blew you away.
                                    I’m sorry.
The frown you so desperately tried to turn upside down,
Just wouldn’t budge and in turn, took you with it.
That permanent smile she used to trip up on is now a
            Permanent Frown.
She could tell with the look in your face as you turned away, you were afraid.
The bird’s shrill shrieks were mocking her, flocking the air above.
Her throat constricting, no breath, no air,
Frozen in fear, anguish and bewilderment
                                                            It Was Inevitable.
The way you didn’t grab my hand or say goodbye in the same ways
Your smile was forced.

You can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself.
So maybe, I’ll die alone.
Timing is everything, and with no spark, I’ve got it all wrong.
Friends meet friends and our hearts will beat on.
Still shaking, trembling, at the thoughts of what if’s and if only’s
            Forget Me Not’s.
Deep breaths and guitar beats come on and all is at peace,
But with one slipped thought, the tears are brought back on.
You all can speak the words time and time again,
But I know and I won’t deny it, that when you break it all down,
It’s My Fault.

I jump to bad conclusions
And in these delusions
Everything goes wrong
So hear me out,
This shouldn’t take long
I am too cool
For school
For rules
For fools
Like you
So let me off this leash
You have tied around my heart
This isn’t the beginning
This isn’t how we start
I’m pretty
I’m witty
I’m fun
And so ***,
This is the last time
That I will try to mime
The us from the past
Something that didn’t last
Goodbye sweetie pie,
It’s time for this girl to fly.

I didn’t expect you to notice.
     me. because i am gray and you are green.
I didn’t expect you to smile.
     at me. because you are you, and i’m just me.
I didn’t expect you to speak.
     to me. because you pour stories, and i am always dry.
I didn’t expect you to care.
     for me. because i have never felt worthy.
I didn’t expect you to tell.
     me. of your feelings, because i hadn’t a clue they existed.
I didn’t expect you to ask.
     me. to stay over, every night after that.

but you did.
you made me feel more than just the possibilities in my head.
then without any words, you were done with me.
and i’m still trying here, to expect nothing.

Moon falls on the outskirts tonight
Losing myself feels right
And there’s no one around to hear me.
Story time
What’s in your mind is mine.
What exactly am I supposed to do
With skies of blue and boys like you?
I stand upon stairs,
Upon mountains in rainy day weather
Poured on and
Feeling each drop of that wet disguise.
They all left me for someone else.
I’m not trying to speak in specific forms
Or patterns, shapes, stripes, or plaids.
The world is a funny color.
The bearer of bad news,
I’m Sorry.
You’re ready to knock my head off
And I’m ready for you too.
I saw a smile in the building lights.
The plastic glittered through the air.
All while the music slows
And the wind picks up.
Fat Bird.
Silence. And the drum beats on.
Now, get back here.
Give me butterflies.

Done with you’s and I’s
Expressing my goodbyes
Match box, lit 2
Sworn into by thieves
Foot tapping
Paper wrapping
A pair of boots and
Opening eyes into
A sea of rippling green
Paper cut from
Notebook nightmares
No blood, just sting
Opposite of Friday
Lotsa blood, no sting
We’ll find another way
Mark up body with
One black shape
No shame
One permission
Intermission.