You put me through Hell.
Knowing that whichever way I turned,
        you were there to stab me in the back.
The countless hours of crying and confusion
        trying to get you to understand that you were in a delusion
        that I was never out to get you, and I
        never tried to hurt you.

                Although sometimes, it felt like that was your
                only mission.

You never took the time to listen or to compromise with
        the words that came out of my mouth.
You were good at the quick reactions and sudden stabs
        and my mouth simply didn't run as fast as yours did.
Because trying to word the truth into means in which you'd listen
        was a seemingly impossible task that I
        tried to tackle and defeat.

                But your sting defeated me
                instead.

I'll have you know,
        I've never missed you more.
Four years later, I'm still reminiscing of a time
        when yours was mine.
Secrets were shared, and we actually cared
        about each other.

                The words "I'm sorry" and "I miss you" never really
                fix anything.

They could have but words
        can never be erased.
They leave a trace
        especially ones that travel in permanent ink and are
        always linked on the internet
I'd love a chance to start over, I feel like we've
        grown since then but you
        grew up with each other and I
        was left to find another
But never did.

                And I could really use a friend here.

The heated air filled my lungs as I took one step outside
Trees begin on the edges, but slowly start to bend
Inwards towards the center of my yard
I look up and their tangled arms hover above me
Leaving the musty gray clouds to pass on by
Music in my ears, because I do not yet trust where my mind will take me
Twilight approaches as I relax my eyes
            Sweet compromise
Breathe in, breathe out, just like you taught me to
Look up and wonder, how far is forever?
                        And why the hell does my face hold a smile?
Bugs, clouds, trees, wind, and my mind – they all drift
Along with the words that sing along
I declare this place my barefoot, summer sanctuary.

Let the secrets of the unknown world take you under
Let them release themselves into your mind
Take over your body one nerve at a time
The quivers and shakes couldn’t hold down the breaks
The need to cry, you tried to put it all behind
But sweet release can’t be hidden forever
Turn up the sound and drown it all out
Every hello, every goodbye, every shiver, every sigh
With every tear, with each breath let the fire pour out
Silence the distractions and cuddle up with fear
Pillows over body under sheets, hideaway
Let the other world’s secrets come and play
And cure you, if not with answers, then with peace
Don’t move, don’t breathe, until you absolutely have to
If you ever truly do, then turn out the lights
I don’t even want to hear you speak tonight
There’s a look in the eyes that change colors by the hour
A face gone sour, bitter, and one wish yearning
Let it take over your body one nerve at a time

Drip, drop, drip
Spills the blood
Sip, sob, slit

Silly you, for thinking all was
Dandy with skies of blue.
Don’t ever let it happen again.

My eyes are a gorgeous shade of green,
Thanks to the redness that swells behind them
Kind of close to the redness I hold somewhere else

Would that burn be quickly erased?
Without a trace? Probably not.
I lay here and shake
And shake, and shake, and shake.
Until everything I have that’s good, is gone.

Hungry, with no effort to move my mouth
Tired, with no desire to sleep
Cold, with not wanting any kind of comfort

Choke, cough, cry
I can’t even breathe right
Don’t know how to calm down

Ring, click, spit
I wish I could forget it
Itch, sniff, shiver

Lip quivers.
Goodbye.

I could feel the water drop
into the pit of emptiness that
laid beneath my heart
for my stomach,
it was not hungry
but this headache was telling me
otherwise.

I could have a disorder, but I
choose not to
that's what I've always told myself
but nowadays I think
differently.

not eating is easy.
the only problem is that food is
flavorful, delicious.
throwing up is easy.
the only problem is there are
too many people around to
hear me.

there seems to be a different
kind of disorder that my
body is going through.

you see,
I eat one meal a day
and that's enough
I get full
off of one meal
and I still think I eat
too much.
if I ate more,
it would be a disaster
but,

it isn't normal to only
eat once,
is it?

it isn't normal to look
at myself and
love what i see
but not be happy with
what's there.

there might really be something
wrong, huh?

I travel
to places
only I
know of
submerged
astray
encased
my thoughts
take over
every sliver
of my intellect
absorbed
drowned
consumed
I mostly
sit and
wonder if
you're
thinking
of me too
I breathe in
sigh out
and then
journey
slide
drift
off to
a land
where you
are what
I wish
you could
be.

I tried to sleep at night,
But thoughts of you came to me
Desire and want began to taunt
And I could not leave

Your long sleeve shirts they hurt
In ways 'cause I won't feel them
Wrapped round my freezing skin
Oh, please just let me in

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

I tried to ignite
In your eyes a light
But mine was compromised
See, you already had one there

I know I'm wrong and you are
Right to just look past me
But stars and swirls they twirl
My heart when you look at me

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

You've got me smiling down sidewalks
My heart, it stops when you talk
I could sit and stare for a while
Just to wait and watch you smile

But I will take what I can get
Even if you never see it
Times we share don't go compared
Just let me believe it

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

And I hope that sometime
In the summer shine I can call you mine
Oh, I dream of the time
In the summer shine when you will be mine

Deep breaths come natural when thoughts of smiles come up next to you
But the well ran dry and I finally couldn’t muster up any more.
Thoughts and thinking and conversations as the what if’s and potential happenings
Slowly, calmly, but surely, let go of their grasp.
No more stomach aching, tummy tumbling, twist tied knots forming.
I found a peace in the pieces of my heart that afternoon
A restless resting of spattered questions and answers.
The blame isn’t you, isn’t me, it was never meant to be set free.
This is this, that was that, and our pages will keep flipping without warning.
Lonely nights, long days, but they all have their way of letting me know- it’ll be okay.

Knowing that, I'll smile.

What's worse than being lonely?
Being newly lonely.
I forgot how miserable that part was.
At least I've been lonely for so long, that the concept is not close to
unbearable,
unimaginable,
literally impossible to perceive in your mind.
At least I know I can live with it.
At least I'm not afraid of it.

Feeling lonely is inevitable.

How many times
Can I wish to hate you?
The stories in the music
Have never felt so real.
Blinded by laughter,
I know I’m not alright.
But keep me from envisioning
For the rest of my life.
Let me drown tonight.
Into the beats that play,
Into the sleep that consumes,
Into the changing life
That is swirling and becoming mine.
Better at this and more of that.
Just let me close my eyes
And cry tonight.
Comfort, compassion,
What is it really?
I just want to curl up and have
Someone be by my side.
Everything is so different,
But I’m the one who walked here.
Old times, loud cheers,
And for what?
I rest with one hand on my heart
And the other on the pillow.
Who am I?
And where am I going?
Is what I thought was real?
Or is this what growing up is;
Fading away from childish dreams.
From hopes that were happening.
Hot flash with a freezing bite.
Daydreams and night dreams.
If I flew across to find you,
Would you come out and see me?
Goodbye little girl, who wanted the world.
Welcome risky business.
Move to the beat and get lost right now.
One thing I wish is for the feelings
And the memories to not fall down too far.

it's a strange thing,
love is.
how deeply we can fall into it
but now standing on the other side,
it's like i've forgotten who you were.

somehow i've erased the files
of your face, and of your smiles
and your voice.
the one thing that would never leave my head
it has.

i still think i see you,
in shadows
and in faces of strangers.
only to focus in on someone that
isn't you.

and what i remember now,
isn't you.

because we've grown up
and changed and
have become the people we are today.

but i still remember that day
when you told me
i love you.

from my best friend,
to stranger.
i always will too.

I think the worst part about all this boy stuff is that I know I should go for it.
Just take the chance and see what happens.
Because I was down this path before,
and I went for it.
And, it didn't end up with daises and sunshine.
But I tried, and I had fun.
And understood why not after that.

I think I have come to the point where my interest in you can’t thrive on nothingness.
And I know I’ve felt this way before, and before for you, but
this time I think this is it.
When feelings don’t reciprocate, they can’t survive.
And I can feel you slowly slipping away.

I'm back home.

where the walls are blue,
the bed is big,
and the pillows engulf me.

where the music is loud,
the door is open,
and the everything is mine.

where the room is comfortably cluttered,
the spaces aren't blanks,
and everything has a meaning.

where I can talk for hours,
the faces actually know who I am,
and the respect I show is reflected.

where the streets have names,
the lines and dots connect,
and I know where I'm going.

where my mind still wonders,
the wonderland continues,
and you are still on my mind.

if i had known it was raining.
i would have taken the opportunity for the drips and drops
to wipe me clean of everything that's been pestering inside my head.

if i had known it was raining
i would have gone out to catch a cold
so staying inside alone all day would make a little more sense

if i had known it was raining
i might have took the time to write your name in chalk
and watch it slowly disappear, hoping to have the thought of you fade away as easily as that

if i had known it was raining
it would have given me a reason to shower today.

if i had known it was raining
it would have given me a reason to get out of bed, out of this room,
to the outside.

Q:  If I’m missing, would you miss me?
                                                                   A:  You wouldn’t.

           Because I don’t believe you’ve ever cried yourself to sleep at night
Simply because you were missing the sound of my voice or the sight of my smile
    Because you’ve never imagined what it would be like to fall asleep at night
    And wake up with me right next to you, incased in the warmth of your arms
           Because there’s never been a time where you craved my company
                Or just wanted to have a conversation just to be engaged
                                     Because the nice ones finish last,
                                           That is- if they finish at all
                               Because girls like me aren’t dreamt about
                                         Aren’t talked about in flattery
                                             Stared upon on sidewalks

                                                        I don’t get
                                                          Noticed

                                             You never notice a thing

                                        That I’ve been starving myself
                                     When there were slits on my wrist
                          All of the tears secretly seeping out of my eyes
                                  The irregular pattern of my breathing
                                               My lack of inspiration
                                        The plead for help in my eyes

                                                my entire disguise

                                    You’d never notice if I went missing
                                                  I hold no presence
                                           I bring nothing to the table
                                                  I offer what I am,
                                           And when you’re too busy
                                Everything I am fades into the background

                      And from the sadness of my heart, it’s soothing to know
                               That I wouldn’t make a mess if I chose to go.

"STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES,
                                       BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME."

I don’t know about you,
         but I’d rather be impaled
                   with blades and rocks
                             than called the names
                                      I’ve heard you say.

                             Time after time I think you’ll change.
                                    The lash of words you speak always
                                              seem to cut like daggers
                                                      str­aight through me.
                                                             ­ But your secrets don’t leak out
                                                             ­       and I won’t seek for revenge.
                                                        ­                  I’ll just let you go, like I always do.
I’d rather be beaten and bruised,
          scratched and scarred,
                   combusted and cut up.
                             Because these marks will fade
                                      away from me over time.
                                                But the insults sting forever.

                                      I’ll keep your secrets,
                                                But you won’t keep me.
                                                          You­’ve hurt me before
                                                          ­         and I learned from it.
                                                             ­                But I didn’t learn enough
                                                          ­                            to not live the story over
                                                            ­                                    again and again.
You take different forms,
          as a friend, that I trust-
                   as a love, that I lust-
                             as my family, that I must.
                                      Your words stick with me all the same.
                                                And when they seep out as fallen tears,
                                                          ­reminiscences of them will always reappear.

                                                The scars I bear now
                                                          are­ the outcome of
                                                              ­     words and thoughts.
                                                       ­                      And believe it or not,
                                                            ­                          they didn’t hurt
                                                            ­                                  half as bad as the way
                                                             ­                                       you made me feel.
So, sticks and stones may break my bones,
But your words will haunt me forever.

Take my hand and Run.
Run away with me just like we did,
Under the Moonlight, and
Into the street lights, tonight
Guide me into trees of brown and black,
Keep your eyes Forward,
Loose leaf path and don’t look back
I feel like a giant to the pyramids among me
Watch them as they stand and stare
Seeing the field of muddy mounds
And I secretly Disappear.

Adventure and my Heartbeat lead me off,
Running once again, dodging, bending, looking out,
I found the dreaded End.
As I searched, eyes wide and flustered
The voices faded and my own came out.
What felt like years ended with one vibration.
“Where are you?”
I was where I am and where I’ve always been.
On my own, off in the distance, exploring
And now I wanted you there too.

Dug out from branches and Secret holes,
Into a plain and musty green splat of land
I walked along, and there you were.
One look, One touch, One kiss
Brought me all back again
And again we fall into the Forest.
Following the Light back home.

I sit here trembling.
Shaking uncontrollably
Waiting for your reply

Thoughts race through my mind
They can’t be tamed
They’re never ending

I can’t think
I can’t speak
I can’t settle
I can barely breathe

I can feel my heart racing
I can hear it beat from inside my ears
I wish it would drown out the rest

I think of you
I can smell you on my sheets
I can hear your voice

But you’re not here

A tear rolls down my face
Then two, then three, four
Now those won’t stop either

Still petrified
Don’t tell me you lied
My heart is fried

Every night is the same story
I beat myself up in the same way
It never helps
I never learn

More thoughts scattered
Why are you doing this
What did I do wrong
How can I fix this

But no one answers
The phone doesn’t light up with your name

Salking quietly so no one else hears

I wake up with puffy eyes
From crying myself to sleep the night before

You came into my life so quick,
I tried to fight it.
But something about your voice
Just made your words stick.
The stuck into my head,
They stuck into my mind,
They stuck into my eyes
As I watched you lay in bed

Maybe in a different time,
We could be all intertwined,
And I could call you mine.
Maybe in a different life,
Or maybe in my dreams tonight,
I could take you,
And hold your hand so tight.

I was waiting on a miracle.
You were more than a miracle.
More than I could ask for.
You showed me what my life could be,
If I only just believed
So I took a leap into your heart.

I never thought I could be so real around anyone,
Like I was when you were with me.
I never thought that I could feel this way towards anyone,
The way I feel about you, baby.

Maybe in a different time,
We could be all intertwined,
And I could call you mine.
Maybe in a different life,
Or maybe in my dreams tonight,
I could take you,
And hold your hand so tight.

But I don’t regret a thing.
And I won’t forget a thing
Because life with you is all I needed.
I just needed you to be there,
To love and care at all times.
I believed you at all times
I loved you at all times.

I loved you at all times.
I loved you at all times.
I loved you at all times-

Hey, you are the one for me,
And I don’t want to let you go.
Just thought I would let you know…
That I, I want to fight for you,
But I’m scared to.
I need you here with me, right now.

I don’t want to wait for a different time,
I want to be all intertwined,
I want to call you mine.
I don’t want to wait for a different life,
I don’t want to fall asleep tonight.
I wanna hold you tight.

My skies turned from gray to blue, to black and back.
Fueled with charisma and insanity,
The little hope I had left took my hand, and led me home.
I would shine like the sun, if it weren’t for the clouds.
I look back now and realize
How childish everything I ever did was.
And I understand that tomorrow,
I’ll look back at today and think the same.
I walk on the line dividing heaven and hell,
Not yet sure which side I’d like to fall.
Who is there, if it is not you?
Who are you, if you are not here?
Maybe I am so alone and missing you
Because you have not been replaced.
But maybe you have not been replaced
Because I’ve been missing you.
Long story short,
Or maybe it’s been a short story all along,
As much as I miss, as much as I want, as much as I crave.
Faces come and go, and as yours is leaving,
Another is coming, making me smile in different ways.
Flipping and flopping, tipping and toppling.
I notice that smile from across the room
Nervous excitement bubbles inside of me.
The pages are turning and we are learning
How to be okay, how to calm down and stay.
I don’t know exactly what to say, other than hello
While in my head the words are forming,
My brain is constantly storming.
Our souls lead our hands to play the music
That we couldn’t possibly express with words.
From corner to corner,
The feelings continuously bounce off the walls.
Braids and shades, blades and trades.
As we live on, as we love another
I am the missing piece,
That belongs to a different puzzle.

Maybe I’m not as special as I thought I was…

I had always known… or thought
That I was actually pretty,
I thought I was smart,
I thought I was talented,
I thought I was different.

But you, and you, and you,
Have helped to prove it to me,
I am invisible.

This girl is pathetic.
I tried to go on, tried to be happy.
I knew deep down that these efforts wouldn’t work.
And guess what?
I was right.

I thought if I just kept telling myself,
“You’re beautiful”,
Then I would actually believe it,
Have more confidence in myself,
And in return, other people would see it too.
Wrong.

I thought if I just kept practicing,
Working my *** off every day,
Teaching myself how to get the right tune,
Or keeping up when I got frustrated-
I thought I could excel at something,
Anything?
Nothing.

I wanted to believe that I was something different.
I did believe it,
But when no one else can see what I see,
What’s the point?

Answer: There is none.
Answer: You’re not special.

I’ve grown to hate my life even more.
Hard to believe.

Conversations for us go one of three ways
          None at all, meaningless words tossed back and forth or
          Fights about stupid **** that neither of us really care about
You give short replies lacking all emotion
          And you wonder why I think you don’t care about me
When I open my mouth to share my thoughts
          You find some way to make them backfire in my face
I gave up so much for this, don’t push me away now
You sit there, wherever you are, miles away
          With no way for you to see my face
          How much hurt and stress and pain it’s been carrying
All you have to do is say the word
          And I’d be there, with you, the only place I want to be
I don’t have the slightest clue to what happened
          All I know is that I want to fix it; I’ve been trying to fix it
But this isn’t a one player game
          I can’t make all the moves
I’ve never actually been treated this badly before
          What keeps me hanging on?
          I wasn’t even sure you had my heart yet
          But I can already feel it breaking
Show me that you still want this
          Prove to me you’re worth it.

who are you when you close your eyes
when the dark skies take over
the cars loose their zig zags and start to braid
as their lights blend
the strangers of faces pass by
and none of them know your name

who are you when you take that sip
when your mind slips
the memories fade away with the rain
as the bells ring you start to sing
the music is loud
and you don't remember anyone standing there

who are you when you begin to dance
when the eyes of everyone else fall upon you
the music swirls and stirs your brain
as the beat flows through your fingertips
the room closes in
and you are the only one to walk the planet

who are you when you start to sing
when your voice reaches the corners
the world shatters in the palm of your hand
as everything falls into its exact places
the words come together with meaning
and you close your eyes to enjoy the scenery

Hold on darling
Remember what you said
          Never fall again
          Never fall again
                   Take it easy
                   Take it slow
Better watch out before you go
                                                Overboard
                                                Oh dear Lord
How far will you let it slide
     This time
          Stop it
          Stop yourself now
          Close your eyes
          Look away
          I don’t care
You know the pain isn’t something you want to bare
You’re leading yourself into this
You already know what happens next
This time won’t be different
                             Time to close up
                    Time to build back those walls
          Time to wake yourself up from this dream
                Things will never be what they seem
                                      I know, you know what you want
                                       But this is just a taunt
                                      Please darling just say no
                                       It’s time to go
                                      Get out of here
                                       This place of fear
                             Where you never should have led yourself
                   The monsters will consume you
          They’re already slipping through the cracks
Hurry- Or it’ll be too late to turn back

I’m not the best at anything
Like I thought I wanted to be
But I’m pretty good at everything…
Here’s the list that is me:
          Singing
          Writing
          Playing the guitar
          Projects
          Designing
          Driving my car
          Running
          Kissing
          Baking cake
          Organizing
          Smiling
          I am no fake
          Being honest
          Friendly
          Truthful
          And real
          I’m beautiful
          And funny
          I share what I feel
          Open to everything
          Willing to try
I say, “I hate my life”
But I don’t know why.
Why?
Because I had never realized
How great it is to fly.
So, goodbye
          To the past
          To that quiet girl in the corner
          To the crying & frightened girl in the corner
          To the corner I trapped & locked myself into.
To everything I thought was my life
Because my life is what I make it
And I’m making it mine
Go out
Dance about
Scream and shout
I’ll go do what I want
If it’s fun and makes me smile
If I plan to stay for a while
And I have each of you to thank
          You, who rejected me,
          You, who accepted me,
          You, who gave me a chance,
          You, who gave me a glance,
          You, who used me,
          You, who abused me,
          You, who made me laugh,
          You, who watched me cry,
          You, who reached in,
          You all helped me survive.
I am not alone
I have found my new home
I’ll probably break down
You will see me frown
But for right now
I can remember what it is to be happy.

There was snow
There was ice
Then the car spun twice
Saw a couple of trees
My thoughts set free
This is it
To die right here, with you
I’d be alright.

Shatter
Burn
Crash
Drop
            Tremble
            Slit
            Break
            Fall
                        Destroy
                        Hurt
                        Scream
                        Weep
                                    Implode
                                    Gasp
                                    Starve
                                    Burst

                                                Help.
I’m Exhausted.

In a place full of smoke,
They spoke and
Sweet lips touched.
In a room consumed by the dark
A secret sealed and marked,
This is where you stole her heart.
Before they part
The outside submerged with white
One last kiss.
Darling, you'll be missed.
Her heart breaks as she drives away,
She would do anything to stay
With you.
Reminisces of nicotine and love
Stick to the fabric of
Her jacket.
She'll sleep alone tonight
And the next, "Until you and I."
She's never met a smile that felt so right.
Sweetheart, you give her the freedom to fly.
She's not the most gorgeous girl in the world,
But she's got a love in her eyes and
A passion in her soul.
A creative charisma and
The ability to love you unconditionally,
If you'd just let her.
Your simple wink and smirk,
Sends her instant butterflies.
The subtlety of your head resting on her shoulder
Leaves her with a simple satisfaction.
Her comfort rests between your arms.
Whether it be her face upon your chest at night or
Her body clinging tight
While she wraps her arms around you.
She'd do anything
Just to get close to that heart of yours.
Something she's wanted since she was thirteen.
And the distance inbetween doesn't stop her love.
And one day, she'll tell you the story
Of how she fell for you
And how her feelings have always been true.
While under skies of blue,
She's always been wishing for you.

Ever since you left, you’ve changed
And for the better, I can tell
You’ve turned into some ladies man,
Some hot ****, a party go-er
You never were a shy boy,
But now you’re never timid.
          I changed too
          For the better, also
          More confident, and happier
What I don’t understand is
Why we couldn’t be like this while
We were together
          Who are you?
          Where did the old you go?
The one who actually cared about me
The one who knew, without a doubt,
When I was upset
And right away tried to help me out.
          I don’t know who you are anymore
          And that’s terrifying.
          I look at you now and you’re different.
          I mean, I guess it’s a good thing for you.
But I’m sick of how quickly people change.
How fast life went from
          Knowing everything about you
To
          Knowing absolutely nothing
It’s weird and I hate it
I don’t understand it
But I guess this is how life happens… I guess.

There are thoughts from my past
That I wish wouldn’t last.
I don’t want you to linger
I just want you to go.
These feelings that stay aren’t fair.
One day I’m fine.
Perfectly over you and feeling divine.
And the next I am crying
Wondering why I can’t call you mine.
You’re such a stranger now and
I don’t know how it ever got this way.
I’m sick of all the familiar faces
In all of these places
That I can’t say hello to
Because I no longer know who
Any of you are.
Not a friend, not a foe.
But to you, I can’t go.
I want to take it all back,
But I know that’s not right
So I lay here every night,
And I decide to fight
The moods that swing by and
The memories that make me cry.
As I keep wondering, “Why?”

You’re a ******* *******.
I don’t understand why I’m always giving something up
Or changing my ways for other people
When everyone still goes around
And does whatever the hell they please.
No one listens to what I say
Even though I’m always the one who’s open to
Ideas and thoughts other than my own.
I’d love to just go around not giving a crap
About how my actions affect other people.
But for some reason, that’s just not me.
Maybe I bring this on.
I continually let people walk all over me
Expecting, that maybe at some point someone
Will actually show some respect back.
What a joke.
Even the little things, I hold myself back.
But when it comes to someone else,
It’s all about them.
Whatever they want.
**** this. *******. I’m done.
They say, “Nice guys finish last.”
I’m starting to think they just get killed
Before they get the chance to cross the line.

I want to know you
who you are
who you were
where you've been
where you're going
your dreams
your fears
and what makes you smile

because that smile…
I'd love to be the one to give it to you every time

I lay awake
As the ground shakes
As I wonder what it would take
For you to love me,
For you to want me,
For you to hold me throughout the night,
For this feeling to be right
Instead of wrong,
Instead of nights that are long
With tossing and turning,
Hoping and yearning
I don’t want to sleep
I just want to keep
Laying here with you
As the sky turns from gray to blue
Until everything in my mind is true
I don’t want the next day
Because it’s one more before I go away
I hide the tears in my sleeve
I never want to leave