i used to be confident.
i used to be strong.
now i am nothing.
and everything is wrong.

sometimes i feel.

so myself, that i don’t even know who i am.
i am so content, with things going this way or that
that i don’t recognize this comfortability.
all i know is that i’m not uncomfortable with the facts, or the options.
it’s just a period with a bit of confuesness.
what else to do but wait.

it’s almost like a numbing sensation.
but it’s not- and it’s not that i feel, because i do, but i don’t.
and that is mostly what is going on.

I think the worst part about all this boy stuff is that I know I should go for it.
Just take the chance and see what happens.
Because I was down this path before,
and I went for it.
And, it didn't end up with daises and sunshine.
But I tried, and I had fun.
And understood why not after that.

What's worse than being lonely?
Being newly lonely.
I forgot how miserable that part was.
At least I've been lonely for so long, that the concept is not close to
unbearable,
unimaginable,
literally impossible to perceive in your mind.
At least I know I can live with it.
At least I'm not afraid of it.

Feeling lonely is inevitable.

Sometimes I get ****** into thinking about the past.
Mostly about you.
And how there are no words to describe what we had,
because we never spoke about it.
We talked about how we didn’t talk about it.
And even when things kept progressing, we still never really talked.
Part of me misses you, but I don’t miss that.

I start to look back and realize that you really were my best friend that year.
Heck, my only friend.
But then I have to remember that I was miserable and sad.
I was so unhappy with my life and how things were going.
And even though I had you, I didn’t really have you, because I never knew your mind.
I thought I did, at times, but I always knew there was much more.

I was young then.
Only a year younger than I am now, but it makes all the difference.
Or maybe just the experience has taught me to grow.
Either way, when I look back…
I just see two silly adolescents,
looking for something neither of us could ever completely find in each other.

You intimidated me, you scared me, but you were also the only comfort I had.
I didn’t know what to say to you, what to ask, what to talk about.
When I think about it, I don’t think you knew what to do either.
It’s like, we were both the mysterious type, the ones that people are drawn to.
But when you put us together,
we just waited for the other one to try to figure us out.

Maybe, though, we were also afraid we’d get too attached.
To find out we really had the world in common and then- nothing.
Only to end up hours and miles away.
We knew that’s how it would all end anyways.

I don’t know, this is all from my perspective.
Part of me wishes I had the confidence then, that I do now.
Part of me wishes I would have tried harder to open up with you.
But most of me knows I just couldn’t back then.
And realistically, most of me is glad I don’t have the conversations, too,
to remember you by.

once.
I knew you for a weekend.
Saw you once after.
You were attractive, yes.
And I enjoyed the conversations we had.
Our words went a little deeper than scratches at the surface.
The way we made each other laugh.
And your smile, it gave me tingles.

Strangers yet again.
but thanks to social media advancements,
I can see the songs you listen to.
And if you could just tell me why, why they’re so sad.
Eyes like those should smile.

Sending positive vibes your way my weekend pal.
And hoping our paths cross sometime again, too.

How do you do it?

Capture someone's stare
because you are vivid movement.

But how do you
capture someone's soul?

One person.

So insignificant to
the world.

Becomes everything
to another.

No one even tries.
(usually)
(kinda)
(well, you know)

To spark the interest in
someone's mind.

How can I?

Be so consumed by
thoughts of your existence.

How do we
fall in love?

What makes a
person so fascinating?

Why are we all so intrigued?

I think I have come to the point where my interest in you can’t thrive on nothingness.
And I know I’ve felt this way before, and before for you, but
this time I think this is it.
When feelings don’t reciprocate, they can’t survive.
And I can feel you slowly slipping away.

they said get comfortable
and I tried

that silence wasn't always bad
I learned to believe it
and as I did
it had consumed me

too comfortable with nothing
forgot to say something

so, silence.

more silence.

until the silence got so quiet
it disappeared
as did I

it was not loud
or tense
or comfortable
anymore

then I remembered
they said get comfortable
so I'm trying

I didn’t expect you to notice.
     me. because i am gray and you are green.
I didn’t expect you to smile.
     at me. because you are you, and i’m just me.
I didn’t expect you to speak.
     to me. because you pour stories, and i am always dry.
I didn’t expect you to care.
     for me. because i have never felt worthy.
I didn’t expect you to tell.
     me. of your feelings, because i hadn’t a clue they existed.
I didn’t expect you to ask.
     me. to stay over, every night after that.

but you did.
you made me feel more than just the possibilities in my head.
then without any words, you were done with me.
and i’m still trying here, to expect nothing.

Alright, soo...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm a chameleon.
You can put me with (mostly) any group of people and I can fit in,
I can get along with everyone and genuinely enjoy the things they enjoy too.

But just as a chameleon will never actually be what it looks like,
I will never feel like I actually fit in.

My childhood was kind of ruined by the "friends" I had.
I had friends who treated me like **** from first grade to junior year of high school.
I started out my senior year of high school all alone.
Sat by myself, kept to myself.
And then through the middle of the year I started hanging out with the group of friends
that I still have now.
But joining them so late, I was always just missing something.

I love them all to pieces, and am so thankful that this is where I've ended up.
But I've never been 100% comfortable with any of them.
And then I get to thinking that I've never been 100% comfortable with anyone.
I mean, I think I have, but it was so long ago I don't really remember.
After that, I get to thinking that I won't ever be able to be completely comfortable with anyone.
Part of me know's that just silly,
but then what if it's true?

I haven't had a best friend,
or someone to talk to about everything
in over, almost, two years now.
This is probably a lot of this problem.

Back to being this chameleon...
When it comes to preferences, I either have none, or all.
WIth music, I can enjoy pretty much everything.
When it comes to movies, I don't care enough to be the one to decide what to see.
My hobbies include everything; music, instruments, art, sports, critical thinking, exploring, writing, etc.
I'm really content with it all.
When people want to do something and give me choices,
most of the time it honestly doesn't matter to me which one happens.

That makes me feel like I have no opinions.
And people without opinions are usually boring.
Which makes me feel like I'm boring, and have nothing to offer anyone.

When I look at my friends, they all have some substance to them that makes them who they are.
And then there's me.
I don't know how many times I've heard, "you're just Julie!"
I have no idea what that actually means.
I keep trying to figure out who I am and whatnot,
but since I'm a chameleon, it's like I could be anything.
Which in return makes me feel like I'm nothing.

From there, I'm just lost and stuck.

I could probably talk to one of my friends about this,
honestly, I could talk to all of them and they would help me.
But I don't have the slightest clue as to how to approach the topic.
And every time I get the opportunity,
it seems to me like I'd just be complaining.
And I don't feel like I deserve to put this on anyone.
I don't want to be a burden.

For someone who enjoys almost everything,
and is liked by almost everyone.
I feel like I am nothing.

drip, drip, drop
goes the coffee ***
as the blue birds sing
and bring
out signs of spring
my heavy eyes
compromise
with the sun rise
the warm weather
is no surprise
just a gift
a lift
to let us breathe again
my friend
lay with me until the end

it's a strange thing,
love is.
how deeply we can fall into it
but now standing on the other side,
it's like i've forgotten who you were.

somehow i've erased the files
of your face, and of your smiles
and your voice.
the one thing that would never leave my head
it has.

i still think i see you,
in shadows
and in faces of strangers.
only to focus in on someone that
isn't you.

and what i remember now,
isn't you.

because we've grown up
and changed and
have become the people we are today.

but i still remember that day
when you told me
i love you.

from my best friend,
to stranger.
i always will too.

Well I was too afraid to sleep last night
Stayed up until 4:30
Trying to get you off my mind
I was too afraid to sleep last night
Because I knew you'd be there too.

I was right.

I dreamt of you
In the clearest ways,
Everything was real.
I dreamt of you,
And in that dream
You told me what I wanted you to feel.

In mid-kiss I had awoken
Slow to realize
The words were never spoken.
I lay back down in disbelief
I was still left broken.

The room was hot
Her skin was dry
In speckled formations
That resembled alligator skin
Laughter from the room over
And the buzzing of the refrigerator
Were the only
Outside noises
The ones inside her head though,
Those voices never rest
Outside from the window
Cars and people trickle by
As the night does
One cup of water
Filled too many times
The room was hot
But her fingers still cold
Slow breathing
Even slower tears
The couch was black
And its leather resembled
The texture of the skin
On her unevenly shaven legs
The wall was white, and flat, and hard
And she felt her spine against it
Each time she took a breath
She sat motionless
Her body sent tingles and itches
To make sure she knew
She was alive
The stillness of the air haunted her
Just as reality's voice crept in singing,
"You're still alone."

I tried to sleep at night,
But thoughts of you came to me
Desire and want began to taunt
And I could not leave

Your long sleeve shirts they hurt
In ways 'cause I won't feel them
Wrapped round my freezing skin
Oh, please just let me in

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

I tried to ignite
In your eyes a light
But mine was compromised
See, you already had one there

I know I'm wrong and you are
Right to just look past me
But stars and swirls they twirl
My heart when you look at me

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

You've got me smiling down sidewalks
My heart, it stops when you talk
I could sit and stare for a while
Just to wait and watch you smile

But I will take what I can get
Even if you never see it
Times we share don't go compared
Just let me believe it

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

And I hope that sometime
In the summer shine I can call you mine
Oh, I dream of the time
In the summer shine when you will be mine

who are you when you close your eyes
when the dark skies take over
the cars loose their zig zags and start to braid
as their lights blend
the strangers of faces pass by
and none of them know your name

who are you when you take that sip
when your mind slips
the memories fade away with the rain
as the bells ring you start to sing
the music is loud
and you don't remember anyone standing there

who are you when you begin to dance
when the eyes of everyone else fall upon you
the music swirls and stirs your brain
as the beat flows through your fingertips
the room closes in
and you are the only one to walk the planet

who are you when you start to sing
when your voice reaches the corners
the world shatters in the palm of your hand
as everything falls into its exact places
the words come together with meaning
and you close your eyes to enjoy the scenery

You put me through Hell.
Knowing that whichever way I turned,
        you were there to stab me in the back.
The countless hours of crying and confusion
        trying to get you to understand that you were in a delusion
        that I was never out to get you, and I
        never tried to hurt you.

                Although sometimes, it felt like that was your
                only mission.

You never took the time to listen or to compromise with
        the words that came out of my mouth.
You were good at the quick reactions and sudden stabs
        and my mouth simply didn't run as fast as yours did.
Because trying to word the truth into means in which you'd listen
        was a seemingly impossible task that I
        tried to tackle and defeat.

                But your sting defeated me
                instead.

I'll have you know,
        I've never missed you more.
Four years later, I'm still reminiscing of a time
        when yours was mine.
Secrets were shared, and we actually cared
        about each other.

                The words "I'm sorry" and "I miss you" never really
                fix anything.

They could have but words
        can never be erased.
They leave a trace
        especially ones that travel in permanent ink and are
        always linked on the internet
I'd love a chance to start over, I feel like we've
        grown since then but you
        grew up with each other and I
        was left to find another
But never did.

                And I could really use a friend here.

I could feel the water drop
into the pit of emptiness that
laid beneath my heart
for my stomach,
it was not hungry
but this headache was telling me
otherwise.

I could have a disorder, but I
choose not to
that's what I've always told myself
but nowadays I think
differently.

not eating is easy.
the only problem is that food is
flavorful, delicious.
throwing up is easy.
the only problem is there are
too many people around to
hear me.

there seems to be a different
kind of disorder that my
body is going through.

you see,
I eat one meal a day
and that's enough
I get full
off of one meal
and I still think I eat
too much.
if I ate more,
it would be a disaster
but,

it isn't normal to only
eat once,
is it?

it isn't normal to look
at myself and
love what i see
but not be happy with
what's there.

there might really be something
wrong, huh?

I travel
to places
only I
know of
submerged
astray
encased
my thoughts
take over
every sliver
of my intellect
absorbed
drowned
consumed
I mostly
sit and
wonder if
you're
thinking
of me too
I breathe in
sigh out
and then
journey
slide
drift
off to
a land
where you
are what
I wish
you could
be.

I'm back home.

where the walls are blue,
the bed is big,
and the pillows engulf me.

where the music is loud,
the door is open,
and the everything is mine.

where the room is comfortably cluttered,
the spaces aren't blanks,
and everything has a meaning.

where I can talk for hours,
the faces actually know who I am,
and the respect I show is reflected.

where the streets have names,
the lines and dots connect,
and I know where I'm going.

where my mind still wonders,
the wonderland continues,
and you are still on my mind.

I want to know you
who you are
who you were
where you've been
where you're going
your dreams
your fears
and what makes you smile

because that smile…
I'd love to be the one to give it to you every time

if i had known it was raining.
i would have taken the opportunity for the drips and drops
to wipe me clean of everything that's been pestering inside my head.

if i had known it was raining
i would have gone out to catch a cold
so staying inside alone all day would make a little more sense

if i had known it was raining
i might have took the time to write your name in chalk
and watch it slowly disappear, hoping to have the thought of you fade away as easily as that

if i had known it was raining
it would have given me a reason to shower today.

if i had known it was raining
it would have given me a reason to get out of bed, out of this room,
to the outside.

i miss the simple things
like a sincere smile
with love behind the eyes
the warm tickle of a touch
and when i could hold hands
the body next to mine as they sit
as they lay
as they are from separate parts of one room
the easy brush of bones as they pass by,
i will never enjoy goosebumbs more
but for now,
it's still wishing, wanting, waiting
yours for the taking.
music in my mind
and blood in my soul
rescue me
whoever you are
wherever you are
i am anticipating your discovery
i miss the simple things,
like watching movies
and eating food
enjoying the company of someone you're fond of
get-to-know-you talks and
discovering the stories of one life
its for the simple things,
i am wishing
for the simple things,
i am wanting
for the simple things,
i am waiting
i am yours for the taking

The pinkies go numb first.
I feel myself shake my head
as the memories pass by, all lies.
And I felt myself being dragged down
that path about 79 too many times.
Eyes sore, can’t tell if it’s from the war
or the storm.
Either way, it’s hard to look at you.
Cuz every time I talk too much,
and start to blush,
your face gets scared.
We pass by the dumbest ****.
Similar sidewalks remind me of long talks,
I’m ready for bedtime.
I fall into times where you close your eyes
and your speed starts to compromise, but no.
Quite faster than slow
running towards, reaching towards, hoping for
Death?
Say goodbye to the gentleman, no help up, no chair.
Clenched fists, you feel without finger tips
you touched me and tingles shot through my spine,
remembering your hand in mine.
My heart beats way too fast for you.
Others stare and share and speak compliments,
the words only sound right coming from you.
6:51, lights on.
The puddles have me following you too closely.
Julie in the sky with no moon, it’s lost without you.

Q:  If I’m missing, would you miss me?
                                                                   A:  You wouldn’t.

           Because I don’t believe you’ve ever cried yourself to sleep at night
Simply because you were missing the sound of my voice or the sight of my smile
    Because you’ve never imagined what it would be like to fall asleep at night
    And wake up with me right next to you, incased in the warmth of your arms
           Because there’s never been a time where you craved my company
                Or just wanted to have a conversation just to be engaged
                                     Because the nice ones finish last,
                                           That is- if they finish at all
                               Because girls like me aren’t dreamt about
                                         Aren’t talked about in flattery
                                             Stared upon on sidewalks

                                                        I don’t get
                                                          Noticed

                                             You never notice a thing

                                        That I’ve been starving myself
                                     When there were slits on my wrist
                          All of the tears secretly seeping out of my eyes
                                  The irregular pattern of my breathing
                                               My lack of inspiration
                                        The plead for help in my eyes

                                                my entire disguise

                                    You’d never notice if I went missing
                                                  I hold no presence
                                           I bring nothing to the table
                                                  I offer what I am,
                                           And when you’re too busy
                                Everything I am fades into the background

                      And from the sadness of my heart, it’s soothing to know
                               That I wouldn’t make a mess if I chose to go.

Barefoot convertible drives made me feel alive
As I did while running through the late night rain
But bright lights and fire pit smoke kept me awake
The fire fell and finally burnt out
And the tingles in your tiptoes no longer crept
Boom, boom as the heart tick tocks
Running circles ‘round blocks
And I got caught up in the moment
The moment of another time
When yours was mine and I-
I never spoke in solitude
The egg cracked, the glass shattered
And slipped away the happy pattern
Woke up and the first thought wasn’t you
All the feelings felt were untrue
And I realized I was left completely alone
Feeling helpless in this place I call home
Not good enough for chance,
At this point, how could feet possibly dance?
You lit a match that instantly sent my thoughts to hell
I started telling stories as my heart fell
Possibilities scattered, tears poured, but all was silent

Reflections through puddles and glass
The mirror only tells half the story
Get over your lullabies sweet child
1, 2, skip a few, the days go by so slowly

I’d walk through summer heat and rain
But as my fingernails dig deep,
There are no following footsteps,
Never any cravings other than my own

The siren frogs and sitting logs
Eyes like a bug, attracted to the light
But I can’t back away from the sky
And I told myself months ago…

                        Don’t be the chaser.

Deep breaths come natural when thoughts of smiles come up next to you
But the well ran dry and I finally couldn’t muster up any more.
Thoughts and thinking and conversations as the what if’s and potential happenings
Slowly, calmly, but surely, let go of their grasp.
No more stomach aching, tummy tumbling, twist tied knots forming.
I found a peace in the pieces of my heart that afternoon
A restless resting of spattered questions and answers.
The blame isn’t you, isn’t me, it was never meant to be set free.
This is this, that was that, and our pages will keep flipping without warning.
Lonely nights, long days, but they all have their way of letting me know- it’ll be okay.

Knowing that, I'll smile.

The heated air filled my lungs as I took one step outside
Trees begin on the edges, but slowly start to bend
Inwards towards the center of my yard
I look up and their tangled arms hover above me
Leaving the musty gray clouds to pass on by
Music in my ears, because I do not yet trust where my mind will take me
Twilight approaches as I relax my eyes
            Sweet compromise
Breathe in, breathe out, just like you taught me to
Look up and wonder, how far is forever?
                        And why the hell does my face hold a smile?
Bugs, clouds, trees, wind, and my mind – they all drift
Along with the words that sing along
I declare this place my barefoot, summer sanctuary.

Her cheeks heated and flushed with fury and confusion.
The cool tears drip through the curves of her face
And drop off the sides, sliding down her neck,
Soaked up by her shirt and makeup stained pillows.
Red, stinging, eyes and heart from being tugged and rubbed.
            Stomach Dropped.
                                    Throat Dry.
                                                    Black Out.
Keep her crying, it’ll keep her breathing.
The world spins ‘round, and that smile is more of a frown.
Trembles and questions resulting in zero answers.
Helplessly waiting, anticipating, everything that could go wrong.
                                    But Hasn’t.
There was known cognitive dissonance within,
Inside the black voids they call her mind, not right.
Recognizable paths both leading in heartbreak directions.
But she chose happiness, or, wanted to.
            Something’s                                           off.
And no one will tell her what the secret is, or how to follow its sound.
Something she’ll never be.          Found.
            She’s Lost.
You wanted to show her the way and beauty of the world,
And she wanted you to be her adventurous leader, too.

You spoke and your words ran on and on and on.
She heard every one of them.
Each cut and healed with every other syllable.
You took a step back and with what little breath she had,
She blew you away.
                                    I’m sorry.
The frown you so desperately tried to turn upside down,
Just wouldn’t budge and in turn, took you with it.
That permanent smile she used to trip up on is now a
            Permanent Frown.
She could tell with the look in your face as you turned away, you were afraid.
The bird’s shrill shrieks were mocking her, flocking the air above.
Her throat constricting, no breath, no air,
Frozen in fear, anguish and bewilderment
                                                            It Was Inevitable.
The way you didn’t grab my hand or say goodbye in the same ways
Your smile was forced.

You can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself.
So maybe, I’ll die alone.
Timing is everything, and with no spark, I’ve got it all wrong.
Friends meet friends and our hearts will beat on.
Still shaking, trembling, at the thoughts of what if’s and if only’s
            Forget Me Not’s.
Deep breaths and guitar beats come on and all is at peace,
But with one slipped thought, the tears are brought back on.
You all can speak the words time and time again,
But I know and I won’t deny it, that when you break it all down,
It’s My Fault.

My life lives in a repeat.
I notice what I’m doing now, and since we’re so far along the track I just don’t know where to
Stop It.
            “You got a new friend, well I got homies, but in the end it’s still so lonely.”
And that’s exactly what I’m doing to myself.
My best friend lives 210 miles away – maybe that’s because I’ve always been afraid of letting anyone else closer.
I was getting there, diving deeper in, to relationships and lives that could have had the potential to be unforgettable.
                                                                                    Fear Won.
At the end of my days, I pushed everyone else further
                                                            Pushing everything away and at the same time,
                                                            The impacting force shoves me right back,
                                                            Falling off the hill I so diligently tried to climb up in the first place.
The worst part?
            Everything is subconscious.
Zero control over what was going on – what’s still going on.
                        And I still don’t know how to
                        Fix It.
I’ve been pushing and running for the longest time now. I’ve always worried about the future outcomes and the ones from the past.
            Never paying attention to the smiling faces Right In Front Of Me
                                                                                                  Which all leads to Disappointment.
                                                                                                  All within myself, and soon shows up
                                                                                                  physically and then shown in other faces.
                        The result of this mess?
                                    Overwhelmed.
                                    It builds up, piles up, on top of me and soon I can’t breathe.
                                    Then someone messes with a part of the stack near the bottom.
                                    And like a Jenga Puzzle – it all goes tumbling down.
            The girl under there has no chance of survival.
                                                She weeps, sleeps and doesn’t make a peep on days that are gray.
                                                                     Keeps to herself and secretly wishes someone would care.
                                                                     Things are well hidden and unless she frowns,
                                                                     Or makes a sound…                                no one will know.

Moon falls on the outskirts tonight
Losing myself feels right
And there’s no one around to hear me.
Story time
What’s in your mind is mine.
What exactly am I supposed to do
With skies of blue and boys like you?
I stand upon stairs,
Upon mountains in rainy day weather
Poured on and
Feeling each drop of that wet disguise.
They all left me for someone else.
I’m not trying to speak in specific forms
Or patterns, shapes, stripes, or plaids.
The world is a funny color.
The bearer of bad news,
I’m Sorry.
You’re ready to knock my head off
And I’m ready for you too.
I saw a smile in the building lights.
The plastic glittered through the air.
All while the music slows
And the wind picks up.
Fat Bird.
Silence. And the drum beats on.
Now, get back here.
Give me butterflies.

Shatter
Burn
Crash
Drop
            Tremble
            Slit
            Break
            Fall
                        Destroy
                        Hurt
                        Scream
                        Weep
                                    Implode
                                    Gasp
                                    Starve
                                    Burst

                                                Help.
I’m Exhausted.

My hair smells like fresh air gone stale and
The lines in my hands are engraved with dirt
I took off my shoes, got a little wet, got a little muddy
Went a little numb, but the excitement was worth it
Climbed through sticks and trees, twigs and leaves
Saw the sun at its peak and watched it disappear
Squirrels rummaging, ducks quacking, people laughing
Rode on four wheels with summertime music playing
And on a different set with a familiar breeze at my neck
5 hours, 8 scrapes, 3 mud stains, 1 smile, 1 you
The day pulled and pulled itself on through
And there are plenty more adventures to come
For this, this was just day one.

Let the secrets of the unknown world take you under
Let them release themselves into your mind
Take over your body one nerve at a time
The quivers and shakes couldn’t hold down the breaks
The need to cry, you tried to put it all behind
But sweet release can’t be hidden forever
Turn up the sound and drown it all out
Every hello, every goodbye, every shiver, every sigh
With every tear, with each breath let the fire pour out
Silence the distractions and cuddle up with fear
Pillows over body under sheets, hideaway
Let the other world’s secrets come and play
And cure you, if not with answers, then with peace
Don’t move, don’t breathe, until you absolutely have to
If you ever truly do, then turn out the lights
I don’t even want to hear you speak tonight
There’s a look in the eyes that change colors by the hour
A face gone sour, bitter, and one wish yearning
Let it take over your body one nerve at a time

Take my hand and Run.
Run away with me just like we did,
Under the Moonlight, and
Into the street lights, tonight
Guide me into trees of brown and black,
Keep your eyes Forward,
Loose leaf path and don’t look back
I feel like a giant to the pyramids among me
Watch them as they stand and stare
Seeing the field of muddy mounds
And I secretly Disappear.

Adventure and my Heartbeat lead me off,
Running once again, dodging, bending, looking out,
I found the dreaded End.
As I searched, eyes wide and flustered
The voices faded and my own came out.
What felt like years ended with one vibration.
“Where are you?”
I was where I am and where I’ve always been.
On my own, off in the distance, exploring
And now I wanted you there too.

Dug out from branches and Secret holes,
Into a plain and musty green splat of land
I walked along, and there you were.
One look, One touch, One kiss
Brought me all back again
And again we fall into the Forest.
Following the Light back home.

You yelled and blamed, turned the innocence to shame and I was finally fed up.
Your tricked me, tripped me, and pushed me down into self-doubt and utter sadness.
I was desperate,
Thinking I could only rely on what I used to do.
The prescription that said my name called out with a familiar voice and said,
“Where have you been?” And as it lured me in, “Don’t you know you can’t be happy without me?”
And so I gave in, but only out of spite.
In all honesty, I really wasn’t trying to do any harm,
But with all the blames of emotions caused by something not yellow, but by you,
I thought, “****, watch me take two.”
But after months of not taking a substance that messes with your head,
And going from 0 to 200 instead…
I should have eased in, and should not have gone over the line that was marked as enough.
I was sick of being crabby and wanting to cry, I wanted a quick fix and I didn’t want to try.

Fast forward to the shaky feeling I knew all too well from that one night in late September.
Coming at me like lightning bolts from outer space,
I couldn’t keep up and my body wasn’t backing down.
The trials of growing pain soreness and worn out aches start to overflow
And spill out of my arms and legs.
Hurting, cramping, shaking, all because I went from 0 to 200
And all I can think about now is how thankful I am that 500 more didn’t slip out into my hand.

Late at night after all the fussing and hustling, the dreams started to kick in and mine were
Interrupted
By shakes and pains, and now that bathroom is calling my name.
Try to breathe and get that dizziness out of my head,
My parents talk instead.
I can’t let them see me now, hear me now.
Because before I knew it, all 200mg and the nothingness I ate that day are spilling out
And my face hurts, but my body is relieved.
I remember reading about how they’d turn your stomach inside out.
Not enough to go, just too much to handle.

Still shaky at 7:03 but glad my body takes care of me.
While I’m not immune to any sickness, I should have been smart enough to know,
To remember,
That my body would never let me go
The quick fix isn’t in an unmarked pill given to the mentally ill,
But by a smile, if I’d just let you give it to me and let it come out once in a while.
The only shakiness I ever want to feel again is the butterflies given from your eyes
Or the little shivers we get when we spend our nights outside.

At 0, I’ve been happy, and more alive than I’ve felt in years.
At 200, I begin to physically combust.
And so the next time you ask me why the slots are still filled,
I’ll just tell you, it’s because I’m happy without them.

Because I’d rather sit and wonder
Than hear the answers I can’t live with
And now we sit in peaceful silence
With wandered stares and guitar blares
Gone with the wind, like your mind,
Not resting in time
Reports cut short and if I cough I die
I came untied and my mind unraveled
It traveled to places I swore I’d never take it
And there I go, we go, you’re gone
And I’m still sitting in the distance
Quiet and the shower starts
Erases, paces, traces
Marks of the bruised and beaten, the scorn and slit
And with that lucky blade she made a trade
A deal with the devil,
They took it to another level
And the ears beat loud to sounds
Of cluttered corners and choppy loners
Sneaky chills and he calls
With names and blames playing the same games
With black eyes and striped grins
The voices make me tremble and with one hit,
One run, one hundred and ten pounds of guilt
Strapped to her back
Shoe tied laces and unmarked land
She collapsed.

I cut you off because I thought I needed change and
nothing was really helping.  So I decided to go physical, I
needed to see a difference in order to feel a difference.  And if
there’s something I have learned, is that I have always loved
my hair.  Even when I hated everything, it was there for me to
stare & get lost in its tangled colors.
            So maybe I’m silly, and ridiculous, and maybe this is
no big deal… to you.  But to me, I am sad and regret ever
thinking I needed to change myself.  Go ahead and laugh and
taunt and tell me, “It’s just hair.”  I don’t care. I’m not much of
a girly-girl and I don’t give a **** what my hair ever looks like,
at least I didn’t when it was long and luscious.
            It was all in my mind and what now?  Now I’m left
without the comfort of my long blonde locks.  Stuck with this
short, uneven **** and I know what I need to do to fix it.  But
for that I need to cut it more, I dare not, and I also need a
time machine.  To make it grow out, longer, longer, faster,
now!  But now it’s annoying and the stupid kinks are stupid
and dumb.
            And god, so am I.  And yes, I sound like a child.
                        But that’s cool, ‘cuz I am.
Lesson learned.

This love-hate affair had been going on since seventh grade
When I first stepped foot onto that oval shaped piece of hell
After all that time, crying, wishing, regretting, and failing
I swore that if I ever manned up and told my father no,
        I wouldn’t miss a thing.
After years of putting myself out there
On that track and in the middle of that open field,
After trying so hard but just not physically being capable to do it,
Or maybe I wasn’t mentally able to allow myself to go faster…
        These words are what I clench back with my teeth.
                I miss the early morning workouts that sent me straight to bed later on
                I miss the relief of finding out we weren’t going to have a hard day, instead, yoga
                I miss being able to brag about how hard my workout was the day before
                I miss rolling out of bed, grabbing my bag and driving myself to school at 5:30,
                        Ready to fall back asleep on the bus ride to our meet
                I miss being the sloth of the team, sleeping any chance I got, in any spot
                I miss the butterfly feeling I got before the gun went off
                I miss how exhausted I would be halfway through my race
                I miss planning where and when I would purposely fall down and hurt myself
                        Even though it never really came to that
                I miss the cheering of the team collectively as each runner ran by
                I miss the shouts of numbers and praises telling me to go faster, faster!
                I miss the rush of adrenalin that would pump through as the finish line got closer
                I miss finishing, and thinking of how much harder I could have gone, but didn’t
                        Every race would end in feelings of failure, but they really weren’t
                I miss playing around with my friends when we were all finished with our competitions
                I miss yelling at my teammates to keep it up! And reassuring them that they could do it!
                I miss being not good at competing, and being put in the slower groups during practices
                I miss feeling embarrassed as the other teams watched us run, and me, falling behind
                        I miss how we would all go faster when there were boys around, no matter what
                I miss my coach’s pep talks that were insightful for real life too, not just for running
                I miss being able to vent on runs, through talking and the pounding of my feet
                I miss sharing with everyone I hated running and practice and meets and being there
                I miss telling everyone that my dad made me run and that’s why I was there
                        Even though I could have stopped myself if I actually, truly wanted to
It’s not that I miss the sport or the people right now
It’s that I miss the way it was when we all first started
When all of my friends were with me
But slowly, one by one, they started peeling away
Splitting off into their own directions, deciding to move on
I was the leftovers. I did not matter. No one cared.

And that’s when I started not to miss these things anymore.

Done with you’s and I’s
Expressing my goodbyes
Match box, lit 2
Sworn into by thieves
Foot tapping
Paper wrapping
A pair of boots and
Opening eyes into
A sea of rippling green
Paper cut from
Notebook nightmares
No blood, just sting
Opposite of Friday
Lotsa blood, no sting
We’ll find another way
Mark up body with
One black shape
No shame
One permission
Intermission.

I miss your sun and all its warmth as it gave me hugs when I stepped outside
The way you took the clouds and held them in your big blue space
You let me feel the green grass grow beneath my feet
Can we just lay here a while, in complete simplicity?
Rain or shine, I enjoy the whispers you sent me through the wind
Now the ice is melting, like sprinkling rain upon my head
Lately I’ve been dreaming of how your embers used to shine
Of how you took care of me in times of need and in times of goodness
Bring me back to the times where I could just close my eyes in the outdoors
And fall in love with you again
I can’t wait for your birds to sing to me their sweet melodies
I want nothing but your open air and open water
Just let me take it all in again, bring back your long lost friend
The trees are bare but I remember when you had them surrounded by leaves of green
Oh and all the creatures you sent out, especially the ones at night
How they clattered and squealed, I could watch them from my window
You would bring me out on lonely nights and distract me with your beauty
I miss your beauty, the way every single thing captured my eye
I can’t wait to gaze up at your sky without any worry in the world
Bring back the colors you loved to blend, the same ones I fell in awe to
Let me travel your rivers and streams again, barefoot, the only way to feel
I want to get ***** in your mud again, creating pictures with my limbs
Bring me to an open field, just so I can run, and fall into you, and laugh, and smile.
Just come back, bring it all back and give me something to enjoy again.

My skies turned from gray to blue, to black and back.
Fueled with charisma and insanity,
The little hope I had left took my hand, and led me home.
I would shine like the sun, if it weren’t for the clouds.
I look back now and realize
How childish everything I ever did was.
And I understand that tomorrow,
I’ll look back at today and think the same.
I walk on the line dividing heaven and hell,
Not yet sure which side I’d like to fall.
Who is there, if it is not you?
Who are you, if you are not here?
Maybe I am so alone and missing you
Because you have not been replaced.
But maybe you have not been replaced
Because I’ve been missing you.
Long story short,
Or maybe it’s been a short story all along,
As much as I miss, as much as I want, as much as I crave.
Faces come and go, and as yours is leaving,
Another is coming, making me smile in different ways.
Flipping and flopping, tipping and toppling.
I notice that smile from across the room
Nervous excitement bubbles inside of me.
The pages are turning and we are learning
How to be okay, how to calm down and stay.
I don’t know exactly what to say, other than hello
While in my head the words are forming,
My brain is constantly storming.
Our souls lead our hands to play the music
That we couldn’t possibly express with words.
From corner to corner,
The feelings continuously bounce off the walls.
Braids and shades, blades and trades.
As we live on, as we love another
I am the missing piece,
That belongs to a different puzzle.

And exactly when everything was beginning to feel right,
Little pieces started to shatter off, unreachable, uncontainable
Indulging themselves with quick ways and smooth ways
Overwhelmed by yells and infested with thoughts of forget me not’s
Recognizable thoughts seep in and out of the brain waves
Some comforting, some riveting to remember and I ask them for more
And I stood by as the pain swelled and left a mark enough to tell
I want to run to you and cry to you, I would, and wish you’d hold me still
But you told me not to enter any kind of that into my mind
I cry out at night, and remember that I’m probably the last thing there
Too tired to sleep and too lonely to eat, I’ll die like this soon
G4910, I have not taken one since Tuesday… of last month
Bed sheets wet, I drowned them with my tears, the tears of fears.
Pillow cases black enough to be bruised, they journey on with me
The sounds of silence frighten me and cause me to tremble
A slight sadness, but out comes a breath of fresh air
Past, present, future, for which am I living for?
Past mistakes, messing up, and almost tragic endings, and good at the same
With laughter and cheer, kisses that were sincere, I had safety in the comfort
Present goods, with slipping in faults, mostly good times only bad when alone
Living life with and for things that I couldn’t possibly imagine before
Future times, so empty, an open canvas for me to explore, for me to design
But where am I going, who is coming with me and who will cut themselves out?
All unknowns, but they all feel right, and they all feel wrong
All uncertain and certain in their own particular ways, and my mind strays

it’s times like these
when I know that I will travel somewhere else in my life
and not give a **** about how you’re doing.
you might call me sometimes to check up on me
and I will not answer.
I will be away from you.
away from every memory we ever had.
good or bad,
I’m willing to leave it all behind.
you took a plain and peaceful day
and made it all go away.
over the next few years we will slowly slip away,
I won’t care.
ever since I was little,
I tried to please you,
tried to make you laugh.
I remember never being able to make you laugh.
nothing I do is good enough for you
no matter how hard I try.
I am your only one,
and you ruin me with every breath you take,
with every word you spit at me.
I can’t wait for you to realize and regret
everything you did.
I can’t wait until you realize how strong I had to be
in order to put up with all your nonsense.
I always wanted you to be loving and caring,
to appreciate me at all times.
but I never believed I lived in a fairytale life,
and you aren’t the kind person that you should’ve been.
getting away from you is hard because you’re here all day and all night.
I am not the age where I can just run away,
no matter how hard I wish for it.
I guess the only thing I can do now is to stay away from you,
wherever you are.
I don’t want you to meet my friends,
or the boys I grow fond of.
I don’t want you to walk me down the aisle,
or meet my future children.
I don’t want to invite them into the hostility of your environment.
I’ve always been told to stay away from bad influences,
and people who treated me wrong,
to stay away from people who didn’t deserve my presence,
and so I’m getting away
and staying away from you.
Goodbye.

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
Monsters on the outside and different monsters on the inside
Play the screaming music, loud, and scream to it, too
Sick of it all, of you, of him, of her, of putting on the mask
They never believed in her and so she doesn’t anymore either
She’d like you to know how bruised up and broken she feels
If the time is right, she’ll let you know by sight

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
She could cut up and punch down, walk out without a frown
Cause all that would make everything fine, at least for this time
And then what would you think of her
Your little girl, threw herself to the demons, let them take over
Go ahead and point your fingers, do what you will,
But don’t you dare try running away from the blame

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
All you’d hear from the outside is the music blaring loud
No screams, no cries, no words, no whispers
So maybe this is her goodbye, maybe she won’t leave a note
She’s already told you, time after ******* time,
That she couldn’t bear to breath any longer, but you ignored
Her music fades and so does your yelling, as well as her life
Break down the door, you’ll find her on the floor

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
You can lock her in to keep her from exploring,
            But nothing’s stopping her from leaving forever.

You came into my life so quick,
I tried to fight it.
But something about your voice
Just made your words stick.
The stuck into my head,
They stuck into my mind,
They stuck into my eyes
As I watched you lay in bed

Maybe in a different time,
We could be all intertwined,
And I could call you mine.
Maybe in a different life,
Or maybe in my dreams tonight,
I could take you,
And hold your hand so tight.

I was waiting on a miracle.
You were more than a miracle.
More than I could ask for.
You showed me what my life could be,
If I only just believed
So I took a leap into your heart.

I never thought I could be so real around anyone,
Like I was when you were with me.
I never thought that I could feel this way towards anyone,
The way I feel about you, baby.

Maybe in a different time,
We could be all intertwined,
And I could call you mine.
Maybe in a different life,
Or maybe in my dreams tonight,
I could take you,
And hold your hand so tight.

But I don’t regret a thing.
And I won’t forget a thing
Because life with you is all I needed.
I just needed you to be there,
To love and care at all times.
I believed you at all times
I loved you at all times.

I loved you at all times.
I loved you at all times.
I loved you at all times-

Hey, you are the one for me,
And I don’t want to let you go.
Just thought I would let you know…
That I, I want to fight for you,
But I’m scared to.
I need you here with me, right now.

I don’t want to wait for a different time,
I want to be all intertwined,
I want to call you mine.
I don’t want to wait for a different life,
I don’t want to fall asleep tonight.
I wanna hold you tight.

She sat alone on the water.
Staring up to the sky
With the moon beaming down
Onto and reflecting off of the water.
And she started to cry.
Tears flooding down her face,
She didn’t care, no one was there.
Because she loved him.
And he was inside making memories
With a girl, that wasn’t her.

Footsteps followed by footsteps,
She knew it wasn’t,
But she wished for them to be yours.
They weren’t.
Just from a stranger passing by.
“how are you doing tonight?”   “fine.”
And the stranger-boy walked on.
She continued to look up to the moon,
Watching the stars and
Wishing she could go that far away.

Music and laughter spilled out
From the building behind her.
And the footsteps came back.
“you sure you’re alright?”   “yeah.”
And he decided to sit down next to her.
“there’s no need to lie to a stranger, you know.”
So they sat together,
Feet dripping and swaying
In the night-chilled water while they talked.
And she told the story for the very first time.

As time reached late, they each had to go home.
They said their goodbyes and
She walked back alone.
Hoping you would be there,
Wondering where she went,
Where she had been.
She walked in and all eyes were on her.
But none of them were his.
She sat there for a while,
Waiting for you to come back for the night.
Minutes passed and the door opened.
Finally, you had come back…
…With the other girl.

And she decided that was enough
Tug-of-war on her feeble heart for one night.
So she went to bed,
Without a goodnight.

Drip, drop, drip
Spills the blood
Sip, sob, slit

Silly you, for thinking all was
Dandy with skies of blue.
Don’t ever let it happen again.

My eyes are a gorgeous shade of green,
Thanks to the redness that swells behind them
Kind of close to the redness I hold somewhere else

Would that burn be quickly erased?
Without a trace? Probably not.
I lay here and shake
And shake, and shake, and shake.
Until everything I have that’s good, is gone.

Hungry, with no effort to move my mouth
Tired, with no desire to sleep
Cold, with not wanting any kind of comfort

Choke, cough, cry
I can’t even breathe right
Don’t know how to calm down

Ring, click, spit
I wish I could forget it
Itch, sniff, shiver

Lip quivers.
Goodbye.