One fun and flirty
Cute and reminds me of
Someone else
But only in the good ways.
Goofy kid, great laugh
Always lots of fun to have
With him.
                                                          T@K3N
One quite ridiculous in
Every fantastic way possible
Crawling in smiles
Connection as best
Not needing more intentions
From him.
                                                          T@K3N
One unfamiliar
With a mysterious composition
I see, I hear,
And that’s as much as I know
About him.
                                                          T@K3N
One from stranger
To even stranger
Repressed and second guessed
Friendly face
But that’s all that’s left
Of him.
                                                          T@K3N
One like this
Dreams, wishes, hopes
Crash? Burn? Tumble?
What if my imaginary
Walls crumble?
Who are you now and
Is there even a god?
Other things consume
Him.
                                                          T@K3N
And then she appears
Out of the darkness
Holding her fears
Swarmed in tears
Pleading for emotion
But knowing it’s no good here
And therefore she resumes
Without a him.
                                                          N0T T@K3N

I want to know you
who you are
who you were
where you've been
where you're going
your dreams
your fears
and what makes you smile

because that smile…
I'd love to be the one to give it to you every time

And exactly when everything was beginning to feel right,
Little pieces started to shatter off, unreachable, uncontainable
Indulging themselves with quick ways and smooth ways
Overwhelmed by yells and infested with thoughts of forget me not’s
Recognizable thoughts seep in and out of the brain waves
Some comforting, some riveting to remember and I ask them for more
And I stood by as the pain swelled and left a mark enough to tell
I want to run to you and cry to you, I would, and wish you’d hold me still
But you told me not to enter any kind of that into my mind
I cry out at night, and remember that I’m probably the last thing there
Too tired to sleep and too lonely to eat, I’ll die like this soon
G4910, I have not taken one since Tuesday… of last month
Bed sheets wet, I drowned them with my tears, the tears of fears.
Pillow cases black enough to be bruised, they journey on with me
The sounds of silence frighten me and cause me to tremble
A slight sadness, but out comes a breath of fresh air
Past, present, future, for which am I living for?
Past mistakes, messing up, and almost tragic endings, and good at the same
With laughter and cheer, kisses that were sincere, I had safety in the comfort
Present goods, with slipping in faults, mostly good times only bad when alone
Living life with and for things that I couldn’t possibly imagine before
Future times, so empty, an open canvas for me to explore, for me to design
But where am I going, who is coming with me and who will cut themselves out?
All unknowns, but they all feel right, and they all feel wrong
All uncertain and certain in their own particular ways, and my mind strays

The pinkies go numb first.
I feel myself shake my head
as the memories pass by, all lies.
And I felt myself being dragged down
that path about 79 too many times.
Eyes sore, can’t tell if it’s from the war
or the storm.
Either way, it’s hard to look at you.
Cuz every time I talk too much,
and start to blush,
your face gets scared.
We pass by the dumbest ****.
Similar sidewalks remind me of long talks,
I’m ready for bedtime.
I fall into times where you close your eyes
and your speed starts to compromise, but no.
Quite faster than slow
running towards, reaching towards, hoping for
Death?
Say goodbye to the gentleman, no help up, no chair.
Clenched fists, you feel without finger tips
you touched me and tingles shot through my spine,
remembering your hand in mine.
My heart beats way too fast for you.
Others stare and share and speak compliments,
the words only sound right coming from you.
6:51, lights on.
The puddles have me following you too closely.
Julie in the sky with no moon, it’s lost without you.

Anticipating and longing
For that next first kiss

Tingling butterflies and
Unavoidable smiles

Face tilted down, but
My eyes would stare up into yours

Hands held. A little thing
That puts me on top of the world

Sweet hugs that never seem
To last long enough

But still give me the bliss of
Being held in your arms

Dreams of cuddling on couches,
Just embrace me

A satisfying sense of belonging,
Being safe, and being loved

I find you, your laugh and
Your grin, utterly adorable

Your silliness sparks and lights a
Fire inside of my soul

I beg for the brush of
Your whisper against my neck

Awaiting for a someday to
Finally appear

So maybe you’re not ready to settle,
To commit completely

Neither am I. But we can stay and
Enjoy each other for the time being

No one wants to be alone,
So come on over to my side of the room

Wrap that arm around me and
I’ll kiss you on the cheek

I don’t know the
Story behind the face

But you could pleasure me with
Your voice and tell me everything

Feelings and thoughts
Inspired by you

But will I ever let them meet
The influencing personality?

Maybe. But you’ll have to
Ignite the chase

sometimes i feel.

so myself, that i don’t even know who i am.
i am so content, with things going this way or that
that i don’t recognize this comfortability.
all i know is that i’m not uncomfortable with the facts, or the options.
it’s just a period with a bit of confuesness.
what else to do but wait.

it’s almost like a numbing sensation.
but it’s not- and it’s not that i feel, because i do, but i don’t.
and that is mostly what is going on.

it's a strange thing,
love is.
how deeply we can fall into it
but now standing on the other side,
it's like i've forgotten who you were.

somehow i've erased the files
of your face, and of your smiles
and your voice.
the one thing that would never leave my head
it has.

i still think i see you,
in shadows
and in faces of strangers.
only to focus in on someone that
isn't you.

and what i remember now,
isn't you.

because we've grown up
and changed and
have become the people we are today.

but i still remember that day
when you told me
i love you.

from my best friend,
to stranger.
i always will too.

What's worse than being lonely?
Being newly lonely.
I forgot how miserable that part was.
At least I've been lonely for so long, that the concept is not close to
unbearable,
unimaginable,
literally impossible to perceive in your mind.
At least I know I can live with it.
At least I'm not afraid of it.

Feeling lonely is inevitable.

Drip, drop, drip
Spills the blood
Sip, sob, slit

Silly you, for thinking all was
Dandy with skies of blue.
Don’t ever let it happen again.

My eyes are a gorgeous shade of green,
Thanks to the redness that swells behind them
Kind of close to the redness I hold somewhere else

Would that burn be quickly erased?
Without a trace? Probably not.
I lay here and shake
And shake, and shake, and shake.
Until everything I have that’s good, is gone.

Hungry, with no effort to move my mouth
Tired, with no desire to sleep
Cold, with not wanting any kind of comfort

Choke, cough, cry
I can’t even breathe right
Don’t know how to calm down

Ring, click, spit
I wish I could forget it
Itch, sniff, shiver

Lip quivers.
Goodbye.

Barefoot convertible drives made me feel alive
As I did while running through the late night rain
But bright lights and fire pit smoke kept me awake
The fire fell and finally burnt out
And the tingles in your tiptoes no longer crept
Boom, boom as the heart tick tocks
Running circles ‘round blocks
And I got caught up in the moment
The moment of another time
When yours was mine and I-
I never spoke in solitude
The egg cracked, the glass shattered
And slipped away the happy pattern
Woke up and the first thought wasn’t you
All the feelings felt were untrue
And I realized I was left completely alone
Feeling helpless in this place I call home
Not good enough for chance,
At this point, how could feet possibly dance?
You lit a match that instantly sent my thoughts to hell
I started telling stories as my heart fell
Possibilities scattered, tears poured, but all was silent

I don’t care
If it’s something
Silly
Or
Insignificant
It hurts
Time and time
Again and again
I let this happen
No escape
From feelings like
These
They haunt
And taunt
Until I breakdown
Until I cry
You laugh
Tell me I’m
Ridiculous
But I’m really
Not
Things have just
Been building
Up
And I don’t know
Where to put
These bottled
Emotions
I can’t
Control
Them
I let them infest
Every being
Of my
Body
With no one
To go to
No shoulder to
Lean on
I’m confused
And
Feeling abused
I’m sick of
Everything
My mind has
Checked
Out

Brick Walls fall apart like
     W
      A
        T
           E
            R
                F
                   A
                     L
                       L
                          S
                             And words spoken out loud but they are only
                             All just wishful thinking like in some Fairytale…
                             And in that fairytale you left me Speechless.                                                                        Happy.
                                                                       Excited.                                                                        Mesmerized.
                                                                       In Love.
                                                                       So don’t you dare take your words
Back now.
          My pleasant thoughts bursting like bubbles in my mind being killed by some
          murderer.
          But they always find their way back together like magnets.
          First kiss: hesitant, smile, warm, passionate.
                             Your sweet voice spoke; “Why did I like that kiss so much?”
                                                              My heart is pounding.
                                                              My thoughts are racing            
                                                              On my face lies a permanent smile.

| In your arms I was perfect | This is happening | We are speechless | Caught up in each other’s eyes |

Our warm bodies keeping each other comfortable in the coldness of the night.
Hugging you was the safest feeling I have ever encountered in my entire life.
With one look at you my body goes numb.
My limbs tingle with excitement and my head feels dizzy.
You are incredible, you are unbelievable, and you are… you.
And you must be mine.

You asked me what I felt when I kissed you.
I replied with: Happiness.
But what you don’t know is that I don’t ever use that word to describe myself.

This happiness means;
I’m filled with joy; this is perfection; all I see is you; I have no worries;
I’m tremendously excited; I feel so upbeat; I must be so blessed;
you make me feel alive; all I want is for you to be mine.

I was scared, but I still asked, “Could we ever be together?”
You responded with six words,
the six words that are still skipping on a record player in my mind.
“I sure as hell hope so.”
And with that you gave me your smile,
wrapped it in a kiss, and sent me into my dreams.

She sat alone on the water.
Staring up to the sky
With the moon beaming down
Onto and reflecting off of the water.
And she started to cry.
Tears flooding down her face,
She didn’t care, no one was there.
Because she loved him.
And he was inside making memories
With a girl, that wasn’t her.

Footsteps followed by footsteps,
She knew it wasn’t,
But she wished for them to be yours.
They weren’t.
Just from a stranger passing by.
“how are you doing tonight?”   “fine.”
And the stranger-boy walked on.
She continued to look up to the moon,
Watching the stars and
Wishing she could go that far away.

Music and laughter spilled out
From the building behind her.
And the footsteps came back.
“you sure you’re alright?”   “yeah.”
And he decided to sit down next to her.
“there’s no need to lie to a stranger, you know.”
So they sat together,
Feet dripping and swaying
In the night-chilled water while they talked.
And she told the story for the very first time.

As time reached late, they each had to go home.
They said their goodbyes and
She walked back alone.
Hoping you would be there,
Wondering where she went,
Where she had been.
She walked in and all eyes were on her.
But none of them were his.
She sat there for a while,
Waiting for you to come back for the night.
Minutes passed and the door opened.
Finally, you had come back…
…With the other girl.

And she decided that was enough
Tug-of-war on her feeble heart for one night.
So she went to bed,
Without a goodnight.

How do you do it?

Capture someone's stare
because you are vivid movement.

But how do you
capture someone's soul?

One person.

So insignificant to
the world.

Becomes everything
to another.

No one even tries.
(usually)
(kinda)
(well, you know)

To spark the interest in
someone's mind.

How can I?

Be so consumed by
thoughts of your existence.

How do we
fall in love?

What makes a
person so fascinating?

Why are we all so intrigued?

Hold on darling
Remember what you said
          Never fall again
          Never fall again
                   Take it easy
                   Take it slow
Better watch out before you go
                                                Overboard
                                                Oh dear Lord
How far will you let it slide
     This time
          Stop it
          Stop yourself now
          Close your eyes
          Look away
          I don’t care
You know the pain isn’t something you want to bare
You’re leading yourself into this
You already know what happens next
This time won’t be different
                             Time to close up
                    Time to build back those walls
          Time to wake yourself up from this dream
                Things will never be what they seem
                                      I know, you know what you want
                                       But this is just a taunt
                                      Please darling just say no
                                       It’s time to go
                                      Get out of here
                                       This place of fear
                             Where you never should have led yourself
                   The monsters will consume you
          They’re already slipping through the cracks
Hurry- Or it’ll be too late to turn back

Reflections through puddles and glass
The mirror only tells half the story
Get over your lullabies sweet child
1, 2, skip a few, the days go by so slowly

I’d walk through summer heat and rain
But as my fingernails dig deep,
There are no following footsteps,
Never any cravings other than my own

The siren frogs and sitting logs
Eyes like a bug, attracted to the light
But I can’t back away from the sky
And I told myself months ago…

                        Don’t be the chaser.

Because I’d rather sit and wonder
Than hear the answers I can’t live with
And now we sit in peaceful silence
With wandered stares and guitar blares
Gone with the wind, like your mind,
Not resting in time
Reports cut short and if I cough I die
I came untied and my mind unraveled
It traveled to places I swore I’d never take it
And there I go, we go, you’re gone
And I’m still sitting in the distance
Quiet and the shower starts
Erases, paces, traces
Marks of the bruised and beaten, the scorn and slit
And with that lucky blade she made a trade
A deal with the devil,
They took it to another level
And the ears beat loud to sounds
Of cluttered corners and choppy loners
Sneaky chills and he calls
With names and blames playing the same games
With black eyes and striped grins
The voices make me tremble and with one hit,
One run, one hundred and ten pounds of guilt
Strapped to her back
Shoe tied laces and unmarked land
She collapsed.

they said get comfortable
and I tried

that silence wasn't always bad
I learned to believe it
and as I did
it had consumed me

too comfortable with nothing
forgot to say something

so, silence.

more silence.

until the silence got so quiet
it disappeared
as did I

it was not loud
or tense
or comfortable
anymore

then I remembered
they said get comfortable
so I'm trying

I tried to sleep at night,
But thoughts of you came to me
Desire and want began to taunt
And I could not leave

Your long sleeve shirts they hurt
In ways 'cause I won't feel them
Wrapped round my freezing skin
Oh, please just let me in

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

I tried to ignite
In your eyes a light
But mine was compromised
See, you already had one there

I know I'm wrong and you are
Right to just look past me
But stars and swirls they twirl
My heart when you look at me

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

You've got me smiling down sidewalks
My heart, it stops when you talk
I could sit and stare for a while
Just to wait and watch you smile

But I will take what I can get
Even if you never see it
Times we share don't go compared
Just let me believe it

I just want to talk to you,
To sit with you, to walk with you
To do the things you do, with you
To be the one, to be with you

And I hope that sometime
In the summer shine I can call you mine
Oh, I dream of the time
In the summer shine when you will be mine

My hair smells like fresh air gone stale and
The lines in my hands are engraved with dirt
I took off my shoes, got a little wet, got a little muddy
Went a little numb, but the excitement was worth it
Climbed through sticks and trees, twigs and leaves
Saw the sun at its peak and watched it disappear
Squirrels rummaging, ducks quacking, people laughing
Rode on four wheels with summertime music playing
And on a different set with a familiar breeze at my neck
5 hours, 8 scrapes, 3 mud stains, 1 smile, 1 you
The day pulled and pulled itself on through
And there are plenty more adventures to come
For this, this was just day one.

Dear Life, I am so sorry.

For wishing you were something different,
For saying all of those terrible, hateful things about you,
For hating you so much that I wanted you gone.
I didn’t want to have anything to do with you.
And I tried, but you never let me leave,
And I hated you even more for that.

Instead, you gave me a brother.
A child I could never abandon,
A little boy who held happiness in his eyes,
A boy whose joy seeped into my wounds
And for a second,
Made my world a better place.

Then you gave me a friend.
But not just any friend, this one was special.
So special, that two-hundred miles could not keep us apart.
The distance didn’t stop the love.
And his love for my miserable soul kept me sane.
I knew I couldn’t just give up someone like that.

I never understood you and
I probably never will.
But I am so sorry that I had never loved you.
I never found the joy in you,
Or the happiness,
Or the pleasure,
I was never satisfied with you.
I knew I didn’t have it worst,
But I still couldn’t handle you.
All I felt from you was the pain and sadness.
The madness that you sent through my head,
I absolutely hated it.

I am incredibly sorry
And now, incredibly thankful.
I was blind to your greatness but
Now I can see everything.
The colors are more vibrant and
The laughter is louder
The love is stronger and
The hugs, more compassionate.
My smiles are real and when I say, “I’m happy”, I mean it.

I don’t know what you did
Or how you changed my mind,
But I thank you.
I don’t know how you did it.

Maybe this was your plan all along.
You put me in a darkened room with
A few pretty bursts of light here and there.
I thought they were happiness
And then all of the light faded,
You took everything away.
And when you decided I was ready,
You welcomed me into a new place
A place I can’t completely describe
But in this new room, I am alive.

I used to be able to sleep,
But now being awake is so much more enjoyable.
Thank you for finally letting me in on
The secret that I have been envious of for so long.
Thank you for making me wait.
I needed nothing in order to appreciate everything.

I understand that you can’t keep me happy all of the time.
You’ll send some more challenges my way.
But as long as you promise to keep showing me the good,
I will be forever grateful.

Life, I sincerely love you.
Forever yours, for as long as you’ll have me,
                -Julie

Well I was too afraid to sleep last night
Stayed up until 4:30
Trying to get you off my mind
I was too afraid to sleep last night
Because I knew you'd be there too.

I was right.

I dreamt of you
In the clearest ways,
Everything was real.
I dreamt of you,
And in that dream
You told me what I wanted you to feel.

In mid-kiss I had awoken
Slow to realize
The words were never spoken.
I lay back down in disbelief
I was still left broken.

drip, drip, drop
goes the coffee ***
as the blue birds sing
and bring
out signs of spring
my heavy eyes
compromise
with the sun rise
the warm weather
is no surprise
just a gift
a lift
to let us breathe again
my friend
lay with me until the end

I jump to bad conclusions
And in these delusions
Everything goes wrong
So hear me out,
This shouldn’t take long
I am too cool
For school
For rules
For fools
Like you
So let me off this leash
You have tied around my heart
This isn’t the beginning
This isn’t how we start
I’m pretty
I’m witty
I’m fun
And so ***,
This is the last time
That I will try to mime
The us from the past
Something that didn’t last
Goodbye sweetie pie,
It’s time for this girl to fly.

Alright, soo...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm a chameleon.
You can put me with (mostly) any group of people and I can fit in,
I can get along with everyone and genuinely enjoy the things they enjoy too.

But just as a chameleon will never actually be what it looks like,
I will never feel like I actually fit in.

My childhood was kind of ruined by the "friends" I had.
I had friends who treated me like **** from first grade to junior year of high school.
I started out my senior year of high school all alone.
Sat by myself, kept to myself.
And then through the middle of the year I started hanging out with the group of friends
that I still have now.
But joining them so late, I was always just missing something.

I love them all to pieces, and am so thankful that this is where I've ended up.
But I've never been 100% comfortable with any of them.
And then I get to thinking that I've never been 100% comfortable with anyone.
I mean, I think I have, but it was so long ago I don't really remember.
After that, I get to thinking that I won't ever be able to be completely comfortable with anyone.
Part of me know's that just silly,
but then what if it's true?

I haven't had a best friend,
or someone to talk to about everything
in over, almost, two years now.
This is probably a lot of this problem.

Back to being this chameleon...
When it comes to preferences, I either have none, or all.
WIth music, I can enjoy pretty much everything.
When it comes to movies, I don't care enough to be the one to decide what to see.
My hobbies include everything; music, instruments, art, sports, critical thinking, exploring, writing, etc.
I'm really content with it all.
When people want to do something and give me choices,
most of the time it honestly doesn't matter to me which one happens.

That makes me feel like I have no opinions.
And people without opinions are usually boring.
Which makes me feel like I'm boring, and have nothing to offer anyone.

When I look at my friends, they all have some substance to them that makes them who they are.
And then there's me.
I don't know how many times I've heard, "you're just Julie!"
I have no idea what that actually means.
I keep trying to figure out who I am and whatnot,
but since I'm a chameleon, it's like I could be anything.
Which in return makes me feel like I'm nothing.

From there, I'm just lost and stuck.

I could probably talk to one of my friends about this,
honestly, I could talk to all of them and they would help me.
But I don't have the slightest clue as to how to approach the topic.
And every time I get the opportunity,
it seems to me like I'd just be complaining.
And I don't feel like I deserve to put this on anyone.
I don't want to be a burden.

For someone who enjoys almost everything,
and is liked by almost everyone.
I feel like I am nothing.

I didn’t expect you to notice.
     me. because i am gray and you are green.
I didn’t expect you to smile.
     at me. because you are you, and i’m just me.
I didn’t expect you to speak.
     to me. because you pour stories, and i am always dry.
I didn’t expect you to care.
     for me. because i have never felt worthy.
I didn’t expect you to tell.
     me. of your feelings, because i hadn’t a clue they existed.
I didn’t expect you to ask.
     me. to stay over, every night after that.

but you did.
you made me feel more than just the possibilities in my head.
then without any words, you were done with me.
and i’m still trying here, to expect nothing.

You yelled and blamed, turned the innocence to shame and I was finally fed up.
Your tricked me, tripped me, and pushed me down into self-doubt and utter sadness.
I was desperate,
Thinking I could only rely on what I used to do.
The prescription that said my name called out with a familiar voice and said,
“Where have you been?” And as it lured me in, “Don’t you know you can’t be happy without me?”
And so I gave in, but only out of spite.
In all honesty, I really wasn’t trying to do any harm,
But with all the blames of emotions caused by something not yellow, but by you,
I thought, “****, watch me take two.”
But after months of not taking a substance that messes with your head,
And going from 0 to 200 instead…
I should have eased in, and should not have gone over the line that was marked as enough.
I was sick of being crabby and wanting to cry, I wanted a quick fix and I didn’t want to try.

Fast forward to the shaky feeling I knew all too well from that one night in late September.
Coming at me like lightning bolts from outer space,
I couldn’t keep up and my body wasn’t backing down.
The trials of growing pain soreness and worn out aches start to overflow
And spill out of my arms and legs.
Hurting, cramping, shaking, all because I went from 0 to 200
And all I can think about now is how thankful I am that 500 more didn’t slip out into my hand.

Late at night after all the fussing and hustling, the dreams started to kick in and mine were
Interrupted
By shakes and pains, and now that bathroom is calling my name.
Try to breathe and get that dizziness out of my head,
My parents talk instead.
I can’t let them see me now, hear me now.
Because before I knew it, all 200mg and the nothingness I ate that day are spilling out
And my face hurts, but my body is relieved.
I remember reading about how they’d turn your stomach inside out.
Not enough to go, just too much to handle.

Still shaky at 7:03 but glad my body takes care of me.
While I’m not immune to any sickness, I should have been smart enough to know,
To remember,
That my body would never let me go
The quick fix isn’t in an unmarked pill given to the mentally ill,
But by a smile, if I’d just let you give it to me and let it come out once in a while.
The only shakiness I ever want to feel again is the butterflies given from your eyes
Or the little shivers we get when we spend our nights outside.

At 0, I’ve been happy, and more alive than I’ve felt in years.
At 200, I begin to physically combust.
And so the next time you ask me why the slots are still filled,
I’ll just tell you, it’s because I’m happy without them.

Here we go again.
I’m sitting here,
Thinking about you,
Reading notes from a year ago
And I can’t help but think about it.
How it all went down hill
I can’t even remember.
You said you never wanted anything to change
And I know I never did either.
But somewhere along the line it did,
And I’m sorry that it was probably my fault.
Things usually are.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here.
You weren’t just someone I was with.
You were someone I loved.
You’re someone I still love.
You were my best friend.
I know I’ve said it to you before,
But I see it clearly now.
You were all I needed every day to be happy.
I miss seeing my boy every single day.
My mind is so scattered.
I can’t remember if this is what I wanted,
Or thought I wanted,
Or if it’s all just one big mistake that
I don’t know how to get myself out of.
I see you in the hallways once in a while.
You smile, I smile, and every time I tell myself,
“Yep. I love him.”
But if I do, and it feels like I do,
Then why did it end in the first place?
What went wrong?
When did we start all the fighting and
Bickering about the stupidest things?
Maybe your mind is clearer than mine.
Maybe you remember exactly what happened
And know that this arrangement is for the best.
Maybe this is what you want.
But since you weren’t just someone I loved,
Would you still be my best friend?
I always seem to lose mine.

Her cheeks heated and flushed with fury and confusion.
The cool tears drip through the curves of her face
And drop off the sides, sliding down her neck,
Soaked up by her shirt and makeup stained pillows.
Red, stinging, eyes and heart from being tugged and rubbed.
            Stomach Dropped.
                                    Throat Dry.
                                                    Black Out.
Keep her crying, it’ll keep her breathing.
The world spins ‘round, and that smile is more of a frown.
Trembles and questions resulting in zero answers.
Helplessly waiting, anticipating, everything that could go wrong.
                                    But Hasn’t.
There was known cognitive dissonance within,
Inside the black voids they call her mind, not right.
Recognizable paths both leading in heartbreak directions.
But she chose happiness, or, wanted to.
            Something’s                                           off.
And no one will tell her what the secret is, or how to follow its sound.
Something she’ll never be.          Found.
            She’s Lost.
You wanted to show her the way and beauty of the world,
And she wanted you to be her adventurous leader, too.

You spoke and your words ran on and on and on.
She heard every one of them.
Each cut and healed with every other syllable.
You took a step back and with what little breath she had,
She blew you away.
                                    I’m sorry.
The frown you so desperately tried to turn upside down,
Just wouldn’t budge and in turn, took you with it.
That permanent smile she used to trip up on is now a
            Permanent Frown.
She could tell with the look in your face as you turned away, you were afraid.
The bird’s shrill shrieks were mocking her, flocking the air above.
Her throat constricting, no breath, no air,
Frozen in fear, anguish and bewilderment
                                                            It Was Inevitable.
The way you didn’t grab my hand or say goodbye in the same ways
Your smile was forced.

You can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself.
So maybe, I’ll die alone.
Timing is everything, and with no spark, I’ve got it all wrong.
Friends meet friends and our hearts will beat on.
Still shaking, trembling, at the thoughts of what if’s and if only’s
            Forget Me Not’s.
Deep breaths and guitar beats come on and all is at peace,
But with one slipped thought, the tears are brought back on.
You all can speak the words time and time again,
But I know and I won’t deny it, that when you break it all down,
It’s My Fault.

She lies on a bed
Engulfed in black sheets
With nothing but
Herself, her mind and the music.

She falls into familiar patterns.

Empty thoughts containing
Masses of emotion
Begin to rattle her brain.

Using the beats and melody
To drown out her voice
She knows she needs
To make a choice.

Let the monsters consume her, or
Resume in her happiness.

Each path would be easy to
Take and wander upon.

She’s been down both,
But which appeals to her most?

She stays still, staring at
Her white ceiling and blue walls
Letting the shadows guide her eyes.

Over to the dresses that danced with boys,
Past the medals that still shout out failure,
Mixed in zigzags and colors,
But mostly blacks and blues,
Off to empty bottles filled with roses,
A drawer full of notes containing memories,
Empty drink glasses and wrappers,
Papers and pens mixed in with stickers and beads,
Mounds of sweatshirts that
Hide her insecurities.

Her mind is made up.
Her choice is to sleep.

I'm back home.

where the walls are blue,
the bed is big,
and the pillows engulf me.

where the music is loud,
the door is open,
and the everything is mine.

where the room is comfortably cluttered,
the spaces aren't blanks,
and everything has a meaning.

where I can talk for hours,
the faces actually know who I am,
and the respect I show is reflected.

where the streets have names,
the lines and dots connect,
and I know where I'm going.

where my mind still wonders,
the wonderland continues,
and you are still on my mind.

I lay awake
As the ground shakes
As I wonder what it would take
For you to love me,
For you to want me,
For you to hold me throughout the night,
For this feeling to be right
Instead of wrong,
Instead of nights that are long
With tossing and turning,
Hoping and yearning
I don’t want to sleep
I just want to keep
Laying here with you
As the sky turns from gray to blue
Until everything in my mind is true
I don’t want the next day
Because it’s one more before I go away
I hide the tears in my sleeve
I never want to leave

How many times
Can I wish to hate you?
The stories in the music
Have never felt so real.
Blinded by laughter,
I know I’m not alright.
But keep me from envisioning
For the rest of my life.
Let me drown tonight.
Into the beats that play,
Into the sleep that consumes,
Into the changing life
That is swirling and becoming mine.
Better at this and more of that.
Just let me close my eyes
And cry tonight.
Comfort, compassion,
What is it really?
I just want to curl up and have
Someone be by my side.
Everything is so different,
But I’m the one who walked here.
Old times, loud cheers,
And for what?
I rest with one hand on my heart
And the other on the pillow.
Who am I?
And where am I going?
Is what I thought was real?
Or is this what growing up is;
Fading away from childish dreams.
From hopes that were happening.
Hot flash with a freezing bite.
Daydreams and night dreams.
If I flew across to find you,
Would you come out and see me?
Goodbye little girl, who wanted the world.
Welcome risky business.
Move to the beat and get lost right now.
One thing I wish is for the feelings
And the memories to not fall down too far.

Shatter
Burn
Crash
Drop
            Tremble
            Slit
            Break
            Fall
                        Destroy
                        Hurt
                        Scream
                        Weep
                                    Implode
                                    Gasp
                                    Starve
                                    Burst

                                                Help.
I’m Exhausted.

if i had known it was raining.
i would have taken the opportunity for the drips and drops
to wipe me clean of everything that's been pestering inside my head.

if i had known it was raining
i would have gone out to catch a cold
so staying inside alone all day would make a little more sense

if i had known it was raining
i might have took the time to write your name in chalk
and watch it slowly disappear, hoping to have the thought of you fade away as easily as that

if i had known it was raining
it would have given me a reason to shower today.

if i had known it was raining
it would have given me a reason to get out of bed, out of this room,
to the outside.

Ever since you left, you’ve changed
And for the better, I can tell
You’ve turned into some ladies man,
Some hot ****, a party go-er
You never were a shy boy,
But now you’re never timid.
          I changed too
          For the better, also
          More confident, and happier
What I don’t understand is
Why we couldn’t be like this while
We were together
          Who are you?
          Where did the old you go?
The one who actually cared about me
The one who knew, without a doubt,
When I was upset
And right away tried to help me out.
          I don’t know who you are anymore
          And that’s terrifying.
          I look at you now and you’re different.
          I mean, I guess it’s a good thing for you.
But I’m sick of how quickly people change.
How fast life went from
          Knowing everything about you
To
          Knowing absolutely nothing
It’s weird and I hate it
I don’t understand it
But I guess this is how life happens… I guess.

You put me through Hell.
Knowing that whichever way I turned,
        you were there to stab me in the back.
The countless hours of crying and confusion
        trying to get you to understand that you were in a delusion
        that I was never out to get you, and I
        never tried to hurt you.

                Although sometimes, it felt like that was your
                only mission.

You never took the time to listen or to compromise with
        the words that came out of my mouth.
You were good at the quick reactions and sudden stabs
        and my mouth simply didn't run as fast as yours did.
Because trying to word the truth into means in which you'd listen
        was a seemingly impossible task that I
        tried to tackle and defeat.

                But your sting defeated me
                instead.

I'll have you know,
        I've never missed you more.
Four years later, I'm still reminiscing of a time
        when yours was mine.
Secrets were shared, and we actually cared
        about each other.

                The words "I'm sorry" and "I miss you" never really
                fix anything.

They could have but words
        can never be erased.
They leave a trace
        especially ones that travel in permanent ink and are
        always linked on the internet
I'd love a chance to start over, I feel like we've
        grown since then but you
        grew up with each other and I
        was left to find another
But never did.

                And I could really use a friend here.

I could feel the water drop
into the pit of emptiness that
laid beneath my heart
for my stomach,
it was not hungry
but this headache was telling me
otherwise.

I could have a disorder, but I
choose not to
that's what I've always told myself
but nowadays I think
differently.

not eating is easy.
the only problem is that food is
flavorful, delicious.
throwing up is easy.
the only problem is there are
too many people around to
hear me.

there seems to be a different
kind of disorder that my
body is going through.

you see,
I eat one meal a day
and that's enough
I get full
off of one meal
and I still think I eat
too much.
if I ate more,
it would be a disaster
but,

it isn't normal to only
eat once,
is it?

it isn't normal to look
at myself and
love what i see
but not be happy with
what's there.

there might really be something
wrong, huh?

once.
I knew you for a weekend.
Saw you once after.
You were attractive, yes.
And I enjoyed the conversations we had.
Our words went a little deeper than scratches at the surface.
The way we made each other laugh.
And your smile, it gave me tingles.

Strangers yet again.
but thanks to social media advancements,
I can see the songs you listen to.
And if you could just tell me why, why they’re so sad.
Eyes like those should smile.

Sending positive vibes your way my weekend pal.
And hoping our paths cross sometime again, too.

My days have come and gone, and I have ended up alone.
Hello, my biggest fear.
No one offers their shoulder for me to cry on.
No one is there to listen to me vent out my problems.
To be completely honest, I didn’t think it would get to this. Not to me. I wouldn’t end up with no one.
But I did. And… that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

I say that all nonchalantly but really, this kills me more with each day that goes by.
Days prior to the beginning of school, I lived in dread.
I knew I was alone.
I didn’t need to be reminded by it every day.
One deep breath as I walked in, this is ridiculous, I’m pathetic.

This is embarrassing.
This is my senior year in high school. I am alone.
I get there too early. I’m ready to go to class, books in hand. There are still ten minutes until the bell.
I’ve got nowhere to go, no one to talk to.
I’ll just sit here, in front of my locker.
I don’t know whether I feel exposed or hidden from everyone else.

As I sit there I hear laughter and excitement, “Hey! How are you?! I’ve missed you!”
I wouldn’t be hearing those words this time around.
And I didn’t.
As people pass by, they glance but nothing more.
I don’t hold it against them; my actions would be the same as theirs.

I sit in the library during my lunch hour.
Alone, of course.
It’s all fine, as fine as it will ever get I suppose.

I see people from my other classes.
But they don’t offer a hello, not even a simple smile.
They just pass on by as if I don’t exist.
Forget about the lonely girl in the corner.
She is invisible.

You came into my life so quick,
I tried to fight it.
But something about your voice
Just made your words stick.
The stuck into my head,
They stuck into my mind,
They stuck into my eyes
As I watched you lay in bed

Maybe in a different time,
We could be all intertwined,
And I could call you mine.
Maybe in a different life,
Or maybe in my dreams tonight,
I could take you,
And hold your hand so tight.

I was waiting on a miracle.
You were more than a miracle.
More than I could ask for.
You showed me what my life could be,
If I only just believed
So I took a leap into your heart.

I never thought I could be so real around anyone,
Like I was when you were with me.
I never thought that I could feel this way towards anyone,
The way I feel about you, baby.

Maybe in a different time,
We could be all intertwined,
And I could call you mine.
Maybe in a different life,
Or maybe in my dreams tonight,
I could take you,
And hold your hand so tight.

But I don’t regret a thing.
And I won’t forget a thing
Because life with you is all I needed.
I just needed you to be there,
To love and care at all times.
I believed you at all times
I loved you at all times.

I loved you at all times.
I loved you at all times.
I loved you at all times-

Hey, you are the one for me,
And I don’t want to let you go.
Just thought I would let you know…
That I, I want to fight for you,
But I’m scared to.
I need you here with me, right now.

I don’t want to wait for a different time,
I want to be all intertwined,
I want to call you mine.
I don’t want to wait for a different life,
I don’t want to fall asleep tonight.
I wanna hold you tight.

I still remember all of the songs
That meant something to us.
I remember the ones that made me think about you
And I listen to them in the spots that we claimed as ours.
I remember the ones that we danced to in your car,
As we laughed constantly at ourselves.
The ones we danced to and the ones that played
When we were alone in your room.

I remember the words you said and wrote.
I still replay them in my mind.
I remember exactly how and when
You told me you loved me.
I remember the feeling your words gave me.
I remember how I didn’t take a compliment from you,
But on the inside it meant the entire world to me.

I remember the time when you were my everything.
I was your everything.
And that was perfect for the both of us.
We were special in each other’s arms,
And in each other’s thoughts.
We made each other happy,
And that’s all we wanted for the future.

I remember messing up.
I got picky and aggravated at the dumbest things.
They’re things that I can’t even remember now
Because they were so insignificant.
But I also remember
The few times your words struck like a knife.
And when mine hurt you that much as well.

I remember how you would carry me on your back,
How you would look at me, smile at me, cuddle with me,
And hold me as I cried in your arms.

But I can’t seem to remember
How I lived before I met you.

I sit here trembling.
Shaking uncontrollably
Waiting for your reply

Thoughts race through my mind
They can’t be tamed
They’re never ending

I can’t think
I can’t speak
I can’t settle
I can barely breathe

I can feel my heart racing
I can hear it beat from inside my ears
I wish it would drown out the rest

I think of you
I can smell you on my sheets
I can hear your voice

But you’re not here

A tear rolls down my face
Then two, then three, four
Now those won’t stop either

Still petrified
Don’t tell me you lied
My heart is fried

Every night is the same story
I beat myself up in the same way
It never helps
I never learn

More thoughts scattered
Why are you doing this
What did I do wrong
How can I fix this

But no one answers
The phone doesn’t light up with your name

Salking quietly so no one else hears

I wake up with puffy eyes
From crying myself to sleep the night before

This love-hate affair had been going on since seventh grade
When I first stepped foot onto that oval shaped piece of hell
After all that time, crying, wishing, regretting, and failing
I swore that if I ever manned up and told my father no,
        I wouldn’t miss a thing.
After years of putting myself out there
On that track and in the middle of that open field,
After trying so hard but just not physically being capable to do it,
Or maybe I wasn’t mentally able to allow myself to go faster…
        These words are what I clench back with my teeth.
                I miss the early morning workouts that sent me straight to bed later on
                I miss the relief of finding out we weren’t going to have a hard day, instead, yoga
                I miss being able to brag about how hard my workout was the day before
                I miss rolling out of bed, grabbing my bag and driving myself to school at 5:30,
                        Ready to fall back asleep on the bus ride to our meet
                I miss being the sloth of the team, sleeping any chance I got, in any spot
                I miss the butterfly feeling I got before the gun went off
                I miss how exhausted I would be halfway through my race
                I miss planning where and when I would purposely fall down and hurt myself
                        Even though it never really came to that
                I miss the cheering of the team collectively as each runner ran by
                I miss the shouts of numbers and praises telling me to go faster, faster!
                I miss the rush of adrenalin that would pump through as the finish line got closer
                I miss finishing, and thinking of how much harder I could have gone, but didn’t
                        Every race would end in feelings of failure, but they really weren’t
                I miss playing around with my friends when we were all finished with our competitions
                I miss yelling at my teammates to keep it up! And reassuring them that they could do it!
                I miss being not good at competing, and being put in the slower groups during practices
                I miss feeling embarrassed as the other teams watched us run, and me, falling behind
                        I miss how we would all go faster when there were boys around, no matter what
                I miss my coach’s pep talks that were insightful for real life too, not just for running
                I miss being able to vent on runs, through talking and the pounding of my feet
                I miss sharing with everyone I hated running and practice and meets and being there
                I miss telling everyone that my dad made me run and that’s why I was there
                        Even though I could have stopped myself if I actually, truly wanted to
It’s not that I miss the sport or the people right now
It’s that I miss the way it was when we all first started
When all of my friends were with me
But slowly, one by one, they started peeling away
Splitting off into their own directions, deciding to move on
I was the leftovers. I did not matter. No one cared.

And that’s when I started not to miss these things anymore.

I think I have come to the point where my interest in you can’t thrive on nothingness.
And I know I’ve felt this way before, and before for you, but
this time I think this is it.
When feelings don’t reciprocate, they can’t survive.
And I can feel you slowly slipping away.

it’s times like these
when I know that I will travel somewhere else in my life
and not give a **** about how you’re doing.
you might call me sometimes to check up on me
and I will not answer.
I will be away from you.
away from every memory we ever had.
good or bad,
I’m willing to leave it all behind.
you took a plain and peaceful day
and made it all go away.
over the next few years we will slowly slip away,
I won’t care.
ever since I was little,
I tried to please you,
tried to make you laugh.
I remember never being able to make you laugh.
nothing I do is good enough for you
no matter how hard I try.
I am your only one,
and you ruin me with every breath you take,
with every word you spit at me.
I can’t wait for you to realize and regret
everything you did.
I can’t wait until you realize how strong I had to be
in order to put up with all your nonsense.
I always wanted you to be loving and caring,
to appreciate me at all times.
but I never believed I lived in a fairytale life,
and you aren’t the kind person that you should’ve been.
getting away from you is hard because you’re here all day and all night.
I am not the age where I can just run away,
no matter how hard I wish for it.
I guess the only thing I can do now is to stay away from you,
wherever you are.
I don’t want you to meet my friends,
or the boys I grow fond of.
I don’t want you to walk me down the aisle,
or meet my future children.
I don’t want to invite them into the hostility of your environment.
I’ve always been told to stay away from bad influences,
and people who treated me wrong,
to stay away from people who didn’t deserve my presence,
and so I’m getting away
and staying away from you.
Goodbye.

Let the secrets of the unknown world take you under
Let them release themselves into your mind
Take over your body one nerve at a time
The quivers and shakes couldn’t hold down the breaks
The need to cry, you tried to put it all behind
But sweet release can’t be hidden forever
Turn up the sound and drown it all out
Every hello, every goodbye, every shiver, every sigh
With every tear, with each breath let the fire pour out
Silence the distractions and cuddle up with fear
Pillows over body under sheets, hideaway
Let the other world’s secrets come and play
And cure you, if not with answers, then with peace
Don’t move, don’t breathe, until you absolutely have to
If you ever truly do, then turn out the lights
I don’t even want to hear you speak tonight
There’s a look in the eyes that change colors by the hour
A face gone sour, bitter, and one wish yearning
Let it take over your body one nerve at a time

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
Monsters on the outside and different monsters on the inside
Play the screaming music, loud, and scream to it, too
Sick of it all, of you, of him, of her, of putting on the mask
They never believed in her and so she doesn’t anymore either
She’d like you to know how bruised up and broken she feels
If the time is right, she’ll let you know by sight

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
She could cut up and punch down, walk out without a frown
Cause all that would make everything fine, at least for this time
And then what would you think of her
Your little girl, threw herself to the demons, let them take over
Go ahead and point your fingers, do what you will,
But don’t you dare try running away from the blame

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
All you’d hear from the outside is the music blaring loud
No screams, no cries, no words, no whispers
So maybe this is her goodbye, maybe she won’t leave a note
She’s already told you, time after ******* time,
That she couldn’t bear to breath any longer, but you ignored
Her music fades and so does your yelling, as well as her life
Break down the door, you’ll find her on the floor

Locked in her room, she’d have the time to do as she pleased
You can lock her in to keep her from exploring,
            But nothing’s stopping her from leaving forever.

The cheese stands alone
Sits alone and cries alone
She tells her guitar her troubles
It’s not so much the fact
That some don’t want to
It’s just that no one does
She walks on a crimson line
Tossing and turning
Trapped in her nightmare
She shouldn’t complain
But she can’t continue to pretend
She made a promise to herself
And she intends to keep it
Although, it could be stupid too
It could be a waste of time,
Energy and a loss of experience
There are two promises now
Semi-conflicting, but also the same
Rushed with stares and smiles
If she wanted to just run away
Could she head on over to your place?
The strange but familiar substance
Isn’t something to fear, especially
While new, close and
Compassionate friends are near
She needs to sit back, breathe and
Start to believe in the present
It’s like these good things are slipping
Through her fingers, sinking in quicksand
But no one is leaving
It’s all in her head, her stupid head
She rides in cars and then all of the sudden
That song comes on
Flashback memories of the one
And so she doesn’t really know what to do now
Slams on the guitar and races the car
Nothing matters, but everything does
What she would do to just be special
Man, whatever.

Maybe I’m not as special as I thought I was…

I had always known… or thought
That I was actually pretty,
I thought I was smart,
I thought I was talented,
I thought I was different.

But you, and you, and you,
Have helped to prove it to me,
I am invisible.

This girl is pathetic.
I tried to go on, tried to be happy.
I knew deep down that these efforts wouldn’t work.
And guess what?
I was right.

I thought if I just kept telling myself,
“You’re beautiful”,
Then I would actually believe it,
Have more confidence in myself,
And in return, other people would see it too.
Wrong.

I thought if I just kept practicing,
Working my *** off every day,
Teaching myself how to get the right tune,
Or keeping up when I got frustrated-
I thought I could excel at something,
Anything?
Nothing.

I wanted to believe that I was something different.
I did believe it,
But when no one else can see what I see,
What’s the point?

Answer: There is none.
Answer: You’re not special.

I’ve grown to hate my life even more.
Hard to believe.