MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You got me to cry, you yelled until I did.
                        You love it, don’t you? I can tell.
You got me to feel like I’m worth nothing.
You got me to hurt myself, again.
You got me to think I’m a failure.
You got me back in the state of mind
                        Where I just want to die.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You got me to hate your guts.
You got me to swear never to come back.
You got me real excited to leave here forever.
                        You wonder why I like being everywhere
                        but here?           THIS IS WHY.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You got your son to hate you no matter what.
You got your wife afraid to stop you.
Your children are terrified of you.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You left, again.
You don’t think any of us would LOVE to do that too?
I would. If you didn’t still have control over me.
He would. If he didn’t still have four years here,
                        Living with the monster.
She would. If when she came back you didn’t still
                        Scream at her more.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You proved me wrong.
I thought things were getting better between us.
I guess that was too much for you.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Congratulations, jack ***.
I hate you.

I Know exactly what got me here.
Don’t Think twice for a second.
Trust Me, when I say I’ll be okay with
Myself Eventually. Right now I feel
Alone There are
Too Many thoughts racing.
Many More than ever before.
Sharp Images.
Things Are shaky, they never seem clear
To The eyes of the beholder.

Cut Out the good,
With Just one try.
Capsules Of happiness
To Make all the nightmares disappear. You just have to
Swallow Back into the real. I’ll tie these feelings with a
String And allow them
To Hold up everything on display.
Tie The knots, and the bows
Around The times, that
My Heart held dear. Like the necklace around my
Neck That I hold when things aren’t clear.

How many times
Can I wish to hate you?
The stories in the music
Have never felt so real.
Blinded by laughter,
I know I’m not alright.
But keep me from envisioning
For the rest of my life.
Let me drown tonight.
Into the beats that play,
Into the sleep that consumes,
Into the changing life
That is swirling and becoming mine.
Better at this and more of that.
Just let me close my eyes
And cry tonight.
Comfort, compassion,
What is it really?
I just want to curl up and have
Someone be by my side.
Everything is so different,
But I’m the one who walked here.
Old times, loud cheers,
And for what?
I rest with one hand on my heart
And the other on the pillow.
Who am I?
And where am I going?
Is what I thought was real?
Or is this what growing up is;
Fading away from childish dreams.
From hopes that were happening.
Hot flash with a freezing bite.
Daydreams and night dreams.
If I flew across to find you,
Would you come out and see me?
Goodbye little girl, who wanted the world.
Welcome risky business.
Move to the beat and get lost right now.
One thing I wish is for the feelings
And the memories to not fall down too far.

Anticipating and longing
For that next first kiss

Tingling butterflies and
Unavoidable smiles

Face tilted down, but
My eyes would stare up into yours

Hands held. A little thing
That puts me on top of the world

Sweet hugs that never seem
To last long enough

But still give me the bliss of
Being held in your arms

Dreams of cuddling on couches,
Just embrace me

A satisfying sense of belonging,
Being safe, and being loved

I find you, your laugh and
Your grin, utterly adorable

Your silliness sparks and lights a
Fire inside of my soul

I beg for the brush of
Your whisper against my neck

Awaiting for a someday to
Finally appear

So maybe you’re not ready to settle,
To commit completely

Neither am I. But we can stay and
Enjoy each other for the time being

No one wants to be alone,
So come on over to my side of the room

Wrap that arm around me and
I’ll kiss you on the cheek

I don’t know the
Story behind the face

But you could pleasure me with
Your voice and tell me everything

Feelings and thoughts
Inspired by you

But will I ever let them meet
The influencing personality?

Maybe. But you’ll have to
Ignite the chase

The cheese stands alone
Sits alone and cries alone
She tells her guitar her troubles
It’s not so much the fact
That some don’t want to
It’s just that no one does
She walks on a crimson line
Tossing and turning
Trapped in her nightmare
She shouldn’t complain
But she can’t continue to pretend
She made a promise to herself
And she intends to keep it
Although, it could be stupid too
It could be a waste of time,
Energy and a loss of experience
There are two promises now
Semi-conflicting, but also the same
Rushed with stares and smiles
If she wanted to just run away
Could she head on over to your place?
The strange but familiar substance
Isn’t something to fear, especially
While new, close and
Compassionate friends are near
She needs to sit back, breathe and
Start to believe in the present
It’s like these good things are slipping
Through her fingers, sinking in quicksand
But no one is leaving
It’s all in her head, her stupid head
She rides in cars and then all of the sudden
That song comes on
Flashback memories of the one
And so she doesn’t really know what to do now
Slams on the guitar and races the car
Nothing matters, but everything does
What she would do to just be special
Man, whatever.

One fun and flirty
Cute and reminds me of
Someone else
But only in the good ways.
Goofy kid, great laugh
Always lots of fun to have
With him.
                                                          T@K3N
One quite ridiculous in
Every fantastic way possible
Crawling in smiles
Connection as best
Not needing more intentions
From him.
                                                          T@K3N
One unfamiliar
With a mysterious composition
I see, I hear,
And that’s as much as I know
About him.
                                                          T@K3N
One from stranger
To even stranger
Repressed and second guessed
Friendly face
But that’s all that’s left
Of him.
                                                          T@K3N
One like this
Dreams, wishes, hopes
Crash? Burn? Tumble?
What if my imaginary
Walls crumble?
Who are you now and
Is there even a god?
Other things consume
Him.
                                                          T@K3N
And then she appears
Out of the darkness
Holding her fears
Swarmed in tears
Pleading for emotion
But knowing it’s no good here
And therefore she resumes
Without a him.
                                                          N0T T@K3N

She lies on a bed
Engulfed in black sheets
With nothing but
Herself, her mind and the music.

She falls into familiar patterns.

Empty thoughts containing
Masses of emotion
Begin to rattle her brain.

Using the beats and melody
To drown out her voice
She knows she needs
To make a choice.

Let the monsters consume her, or
Resume in her happiness.

Each path would be easy to
Take and wander upon.

She’s been down both,
But which appeals to her most?

She stays still, staring at
Her white ceiling and blue walls
Letting the shadows guide her eyes.

Over to the dresses that danced with boys,
Past the medals that still shout out failure,
Mixed in zigzags and colors,
But mostly blacks and blues,
Off to empty bottles filled with roses,
A drawer full of notes containing memories,
Empty drink glasses and wrappers,
Papers and pens mixed in with stickers and beads,
Mounds of sweatshirts that
Hide her insecurities.

Her mind is made up.
Her choice is to sleep.

I don’t care
If it’s something
Silly
Or
Insignificant
It hurts
Time and time
Again and again
I let this happen
No escape
From feelings like
These
They haunt
And taunt
Until I breakdown
Until I cry
You laugh
Tell me I’m
Ridiculous
But I’m really
Not
Things have just
Been building
Up
And I don’t know
Where to put
These bottled
Emotions
I can’t
Control
Them
I let them infest
Every being
Of my
Body
With no one
To go to
No shoulder to
Lean on
I’m confused
And
Feeling abused
I’m sick of
Everything
My mind has
Checked
Out

You’re a ******* *******.
I don’t understand why I’m always giving something up
Or changing my ways for other people
When everyone still goes around
And does whatever the hell they please.
No one listens to what I say
Even though I’m always the one who’s open to
Ideas and thoughts other than my own.
I’d love to just go around not giving a crap
About how my actions affect other people.
But for some reason, that’s just not me.
Maybe I bring this on.
I continually let people walk all over me
Expecting, that maybe at some point someone
Will actually show some respect back.
What a joke.
Even the little things, I hold myself back.
But when it comes to someone else,
It’s all about them.
Whatever they want.
**** this. *******. I’m done.
They say, “Nice guys finish last.”
I’m starting to think they just get killed
Before they get the chance to cross the line.

And I found her there
With green eyes and long blonde hair
Laying motionless

Red blood, dead, blood red
And she lay in peaceful pain
But this wasn’t vein

Unpredictable
It could have been tragedy
Her face hints a smile

I stay for a while
Staring at what used to be
Jagged marks on flesh

Her eyes, looking off
To a space, a better place
But her family cries

Not much life had lived
In her poor, helpless body
But it was too late

Lessons went unlearned
And we couldn’t stop her fate
The knife that slit her

Her body quit her
Contents of pills that spilled in
She loved the embrace

I looked at her face
Although dead, she was happy
Underneath bruises

Seeping out in blood
The blade told us her story
Marks for this and that

But she didn’t care
She loved the things she had done
There was something missed

At first when you saw
The scene made you look away
But my eyes had stayed

I saw the beauty
The fragile soul that let go
I took her limp hand

Closed my eyes and prayed
That she had found the place that
She was looking for

And then I saw it
“There’s got to be more than this.”
Carved into her arm

There are thoughts from my past
That I wish wouldn’t last.
I don’t want you to linger
I just want you to go.
These feelings that stay aren’t fair.
One day I’m fine.
Perfectly over you and feeling divine.
And the next I am crying
Wondering why I can’t call you mine.
You’re such a stranger now and
I don’t know how it ever got this way.
I’m sick of all the familiar faces
In all of these places
That I can’t say hello to
Because I no longer know who
Any of you are.
Not a friend, not a foe.
But to you, I can’t go.
I want to take it all back,
But I know that’s not right
So I lay here every night,
And I decide to fight
The moods that swing by and
The memories that make me cry.
As I keep wondering, “Why?”

Ever since you left, you’ve changed
And for the better, I can tell
You’ve turned into some ladies man,
Some hot ****, a party go-er
You never were a shy boy,
But now you’re never timid.
          I changed too
          For the better, also
          More confident, and happier
What I don’t understand is
Why we couldn’t be like this while
We were together
          Who are you?
          Where did the old you go?
The one who actually cared about me
The one who knew, without a doubt,
When I was upset
And right away tried to help me out.
          I don’t know who you are anymore
          And that’s terrifying.
          I look at you now and you’re different.
          I mean, I guess it’s a good thing for you.
But I’m sick of how quickly people change.
How fast life went from
          Knowing everything about you
To
          Knowing absolutely nothing
It’s weird and I hate it
I don’t understand it
But I guess this is how life happens… I guess.

Here we go again.
I’m sitting here,
Thinking about you,
Reading notes from a year ago
And I can’t help but think about it.
How it all went down hill
I can’t even remember.
You said you never wanted anything to change
And I know I never did either.
But somewhere along the line it did,
And I’m sorry that it was probably my fault.
Things usually are.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here.
You weren’t just someone I was with.
You were someone I loved.
You’re someone I still love.
You were my best friend.
I know I’ve said it to you before,
But I see it clearly now.
You were all I needed every day to be happy.
I miss seeing my boy every single day.
My mind is so scattered.
I can’t remember if this is what I wanted,
Or thought I wanted,
Or if it’s all just one big mistake that
I don’t know how to get myself out of.
I see you in the hallways once in a while.
You smile, I smile, and every time I tell myself,
“Yep. I love him.”
But if I do, and it feels like I do,
Then why did it end in the first place?
What went wrong?
When did we start all the fighting and
Bickering about the stupidest things?
Maybe your mind is clearer than mine.
Maybe you remember exactly what happened
And know that this arrangement is for the best.
Maybe this is what you want.
But since you weren’t just someone I loved,
Would you still be my best friend?
I always seem to lose mine.

My days have come and gone, and I have ended up alone.
Hello, my biggest fear.
No one offers their shoulder for me to cry on.
No one is there to listen to me vent out my problems.
To be completely honest, I didn’t think it would get to this. Not to me. I wouldn’t end up with no one.
But I did. And… that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

I say that all nonchalantly but really, this kills me more with each day that goes by.
Days prior to the beginning of school, I lived in dread.
I knew I was alone.
I didn’t need to be reminded by it every day.
One deep breath as I walked in, this is ridiculous, I’m pathetic.

This is embarrassing.
This is my senior year in high school. I am alone.
I get there too early. I’m ready to go to class, books in hand. There are still ten minutes until the bell.
I’ve got nowhere to go, no one to talk to.
I’ll just sit here, in front of my locker.
I don’t know whether I feel exposed or hidden from everyone else.

As I sit there I hear laughter and excitement, “Hey! How are you?! I’ve missed you!”
I wouldn’t be hearing those words this time around.
And I didn’t.
As people pass by, they glance but nothing more.
I don’t hold it against them; my actions would be the same as theirs.

I sit in the library during my lunch hour.
Alone, of course.
It’s all fine, as fine as it will ever get I suppose.

I see people from my other classes.
But they don’t offer a hello, not even a simple smile.
They just pass on by as if I don’t exist.
Forget about the lonely girl in the corner.
She is invisible.

Towards the end, I thought it was right
I had known this was coming.
I was over it all; I was fine.
We had moved on, happily,
like nothing even happened to us.
But I remember a time when I broke down
crying because you left school early
for a weekend vacation.
You’re still here in the back of my mind.
I could ask you if you still felt anything,
but that wouldn’t be fair.
Not to you, not to me, not to anyone.
But I wish I could know that you were here…
Just in case…
What if I fall down?
You used to be there to pick me up.
Every time; without hesitation.
Now my safety net is so far away.
It’s tangled and twisted and
there are parts of it missing,
but it also has pieces that you never had.
We still talk as friends do,
but I used to call you “mine”.
After all of my world came down,
    there you were,
        still next to me,
            still smiling.
And now you’re gone.
Every time I see you
I hope you know what I’m feeling inside.
I used to say everything
and if I didn’t you would pry it out of me.
Now I say nothing.
You don’t ask, I don’t tell,
the words just stick in my mind.
I smile when we talk.  
I know it because once you walk away
my frown seems so much stronger.  
I’ve made such a mess of everything.
My thoughts consume me,
but you already knew that.
I’m scared right now.
What if I messed up?
Big time.
I’m mostly afraid that
I’m actually admitting these words-
even more so: on paper.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I never did.
You didn’t know what to do with me either.
I don’t blame you.
I look back on it now,
surprised with how long you stuck around.
I was such a miserable person,
you were my only good.
When it was over,
neither of us went through pain,
at least, I don’t recall it.
I didn’t think I needed it then,
but now I know I do.
I need some kind of closure.
Do you still think about the good times?
    Just like I do?
Do you miss the things that used to be ours?
    I know I do.I wish I could know what you felt
when we spoke, or when you saw my smile.
Because I know a part of me is vulnerable
to you when I see that grin.
You know, I still think we were great.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy.
There are things that are going well,
and that I wouldn’t change.
But when I see all that,
it makes me wonder even more-
why I still need you.
Why do I want you to be my backup?
When my mind wanders off and
I picture my future,
why do I still fit you into it?
I guess, emotionally,
I never worked well alone.
The last time I actually was…
You and I both know;
I wouldn’t make it out alive.
Maybe I just desire that something about you.
But I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that;
You know I miss you… right?

Brick Walls fall apart like
     W
      A
        T
           E
            R
                F
                   A
                     L
                       L
                          S
                             And words spoken out loud but they are only
                             All just wishful thinking like in some Fairytale…
                             And in that fairytale you left me Speechless.                                                                        Happy.
                                                                       Excited.                                                                        Mesmerized.
                                                                       In Love.
                                                                       So don’t you dare take your words
Back now.
          My pleasant thoughts bursting like bubbles in my mind being killed by some
          murderer.
          But they always find their way back together like magnets.
          First kiss: hesitant, smile, warm, passionate.
                             Your sweet voice spoke; “Why did I like that kiss so much?”
                                                              My heart is pounding.
                                                              My thoughts are racing            
                                                              On my face lies a permanent smile.

| In your arms I was perfect | This is happening | We are speechless | Caught up in each other’s eyes |

Our warm bodies keeping each other comfortable in the coldness of the night.
Hugging you was the safest feeling I have ever encountered in my entire life.
With one look at you my body goes numb.
My limbs tingle with excitement and my head feels dizzy.
You are incredible, you are unbelievable, and you are… you.
And you must be mine.

You asked me what I felt when I kissed you.
I replied with: Happiness.
But what you don’t know is that I don’t ever use that word to describe myself.

This happiness means;
I’m filled with joy; this is perfection; all I see is you; I have no worries;
I’m tremendously excited; I feel so upbeat; I must be so blessed;
you make me feel alive; all I want is for you to be mine.

I was scared, but I still asked, “Could we ever be together?”
You responded with six words,
the six words that are still skipping on a record player in my mind.
“I sure as hell hope so.”
And with that you gave me your smile,
wrapped it in a kiss, and sent me into my dreams.

I sit here trembling.
Shaking uncontrollably
Waiting for your reply

Thoughts race through my mind
They can’t be tamed
They’re never ending

I can’t think
I can’t speak
I can’t settle
I can barely breathe

I can feel my heart racing
I can hear it beat from inside my ears
I wish it would drown out the rest

I think of you
I can smell you on my sheets
I can hear your voice

But you’re not here

A tear rolls down my face
Then two, then three, four
Now those won’t stop either

Still petrified
Don’t tell me you lied
My heart is fried

Every night is the same story
I beat myself up in the same way
It never helps
I never learn

More thoughts scattered
Why are you doing this
What did I do wrong
How can I fix this

But no one answers
The phone doesn’t light up with your name

Salking quietly so no one else hears

I wake up with puffy eyes
From crying myself to sleep the night before

Conversations for us go one of three ways
          None at all, meaningless words tossed back and forth or
          Fights about stupid **** that neither of us really care about
You give short replies lacking all emotion
          And you wonder why I think you don’t care about me
When I open my mouth to share my thoughts
          You find some way to make them backfire in my face
I gave up so much for this, don’t push me away now
You sit there, wherever you are, miles away
          With no way for you to see my face
          How much hurt and stress and pain it’s been carrying
All you have to do is say the word
          And I’d be there, with you, the only place I want to be
I don’t have the slightest clue to what happened
          All I know is that I want to fix it; I’ve been trying to fix it
But this isn’t a one player game
          I can’t make all the moves
I’ve never actually been treated this badly before
          What keeps me hanging on?
          I wasn’t even sure you had my heart yet
          But I can already feel it breaking
Show me that you still want this
          Prove to me you’re worth it.

I still remember all of the songs
That meant something to us.
I remember the ones that made me think about you
And I listen to them in the spots that we claimed as ours.
I remember the ones that we danced to in your car,
As we laughed constantly at ourselves.
The ones we danced to and the ones that played
When we were alone in your room.

I remember the words you said and wrote.
I still replay them in my mind.
I remember exactly how and when
You told me you loved me.
I remember the feeling your words gave me.
I remember how I didn’t take a compliment from you,
But on the inside it meant the entire world to me.

I remember the time when you were my everything.
I was your everything.
And that was perfect for the both of us.
We were special in each other’s arms,
And in each other’s thoughts.
We made each other happy,
And that’s all we wanted for the future.

I remember messing up.
I got picky and aggravated at the dumbest things.
They’re things that I can’t even remember now
Because they were so insignificant.
But I also remember
The few times your words struck like a knife.
And when mine hurt you that much as well.

I remember how you would carry me on your back,
How you would look at me, smile at me, cuddle with me,
And hold me as I cried in your arms.

But I can’t seem to remember
How I lived before I met you.

Maybe I’m not as special as I thought I was…

I had always known… or thought
That I was actually pretty,
I thought I was smart,
I thought I was talented,
I thought I was different.

But you, and you, and you,
Have helped to prove it to me,
I am invisible.

This girl is pathetic.
I tried to go on, tried to be happy.
I knew deep down that these efforts wouldn’t work.
And guess what?
I was right.

I thought if I just kept telling myself,
“You’re beautiful”,
Then I would actually believe it,
Have more confidence in myself,
And in return, other people would see it too.
Wrong.

I thought if I just kept practicing,
Working my *** off every day,
Teaching myself how to get the right tune,
Or keeping up when I got frustrated-
I thought I could excel at something,
Anything?
Nothing.

I wanted to believe that I was something different.
I did believe it,
But when no one else can see what I see,
What’s the point?

Answer: There is none.
Answer: You’re not special.

I’ve grown to hate my life even more.
Hard to believe.

Dear Life, I am so sorry.

For wishing you were something different,
For saying all of those terrible, hateful things about you,
For hating you so much that I wanted you gone.
I didn’t want to have anything to do with you.
And I tried, but you never let me leave,
And I hated you even more for that.

Instead, you gave me a brother.
A child I could never abandon,
A little boy who held happiness in his eyes,
A boy whose joy seeped into my wounds
And for a second,
Made my world a better place.

Then you gave me a friend.
But not just any friend, this one was special.
So special, that two-hundred miles could not keep us apart.
The distance didn’t stop the love.
And his love for my miserable soul kept me sane.
I knew I couldn’t just give up someone like that.

I never understood you and
I probably never will.
But I am so sorry that I had never loved you.
I never found the joy in you,
Or the happiness,
Or the pleasure,
I was never satisfied with you.
I knew I didn’t have it worst,
But I still couldn’t handle you.
All I felt from you was the pain and sadness.
The madness that you sent through my head,
I absolutely hated it.

I am incredibly sorry
And now, incredibly thankful.
I was blind to your greatness but
Now I can see everything.
The colors are more vibrant and
The laughter is louder
The love is stronger and
The hugs, more compassionate.
My smiles are real and when I say, “I’m happy”, I mean it.

I don’t know what you did
Or how you changed my mind,
But I thank you.
I don’t know how you did it.

Maybe this was your plan all along.
You put me in a darkened room with
A few pretty bursts of light here and there.
I thought they were happiness
And then all of the light faded,
You took everything away.
And when you decided I was ready,
You welcomed me into a new place
A place I can’t completely describe
But in this new room, I am alive.

I used to be able to sleep,
But now being awake is so much more enjoyable.
Thank you for finally letting me in on
The secret that I have been envious of for so long.
Thank you for making me wait.
I needed nothing in order to appreciate everything.

I understand that you can’t keep me happy all of the time.
You’ll send some more challenges my way.
But as long as you promise to keep showing me the good,
I will be forever grateful.

Life, I sincerely love you.
Forever yours, for as long as you’ll have me,
                -Julie

Oh hell yes
I love this
                    Feeling
Numb
          Exotic
                   Dangerous
          Crazy
One more, one more.
Just give me more.
                   Dance
Dance
          Dance
Until I fall to the floor
                   Slip on ice
Laugh it off
          Fall to the ground
I don’t feel a thing
I don’t feel anything
Except for this
                   Laughter
Excitement
          Silliness
                             Life.
Out of body experience
In my own flesh.
The colors mesh.
The people smile
We sit and enjoy for a while.

In a place full of smoke,
They spoke and
Sweet lips touched.
In a room consumed by the dark
A secret sealed and marked,
This is where you stole her heart.
Before they part
The outside submerged with white
One last kiss.
Darling, you'll be missed.
Her heart breaks as she drives away,
She would do anything to stay
With you.
Reminisces of nicotine and love
Stick to the fabric of
Her jacket.
She'll sleep alone tonight
And the next, "Until you and I."
She's never met a smile that felt so right.
Sweetheart, you give her the freedom to fly.
She's not the most gorgeous girl in the world,
But she's got a love in her eyes and
A passion in her soul.
A creative charisma and
The ability to love you unconditionally,
If you'd just let her.
Your simple wink and smirk,
Sends her instant butterflies.
The subtlety of your head resting on her shoulder
Leaves her with a simple satisfaction.
Her comfort rests between your arms.
Whether it be her face upon your chest at night or
Her body clinging tight
While she wraps her arms around you.
She'd do anything
Just to get close to that heart of yours.
Something she's wanted since she was thirteen.
And the distance inbetween doesn't stop her love.
And one day, she'll tell you the story
Of how she fell for you
And how her feelings have always been true.
While under skies of blue,
She's always been wishing for you.

I smile because you make me
Just let me stay for a while
Something so sweet
This simple act makes me complete

I’ve never met a smile that felt so right
My own gives me butterflies
And you give them to me best

Mine belongs to you
I feel it every time I do

I’m addicted to look you put on my face
It’s anything but familiar

Oh darling,
You’re so charming
Please promise to never leave my side

There was snow
There was ice
Then the car spun twice
Saw a couple of trees
My thoughts set free
This is it
To die right here, with you
I’d be alright.

Hold on darling
Remember what you said
          Never fall again
          Never fall again
                   Take it easy
                   Take it slow
Better watch out before you go
                                                Overboard
                                                Oh dear Lord
How far will you let it slide
     This time
          Stop it
          Stop yourself now
          Close your eyes
          Look away
          I don’t care
You know the pain isn’t something you want to bare
You’re leading yourself into this
You already know what happens next
This time won’t be different
                             Time to close up
                    Time to build back those walls
          Time to wake yourself up from this dream
                Things will never be what they seem
                                      I know, you know what you want
                                       But this is just a taunt
                                      Please darling just say no
                                       It’s time to go
                                      Get out of here
                                       This place of fear
                             Where you never should have led yourself
                   The monsters will consume you
          They’re already slipping through the cracks
Hurry- Or it’ll be too late to turn back

I lay awake
As the ground shakes
As I wonder what it would take
For you to love me,
For you to want me,
For you to hold me throughout the night,
For this feeling to be right
Instead of wrong,
Instead of nights that are long
With tossing and turning,
Hoping and yearning
I don’t want to sleep
I just want to keep
Laying here with you
As the sky turns from gray to blue
Until everything in my mind is true
I don’t want the next day
Because it’s one more before I go away
I hide the tears in my sleeve
I never want to leave

“I want my life back”
No-no-no
I don’t want my life back
I like exactly where it’s spit me out

          “I’m invisible, I always have been, and I always will be”
I’m not invisible
I’m just unseen by those who mean
Absolutely nothing to me

          “I’m a mess of a person, all I make are mistakes”
I am a ******’ hot mess and
The mistakes I make
Lead me to wonderful places

          “I want to die”
**** that.
This life is irreplaceable

I tripped and fell
Hello dizzy spells
Wait, what the hell?
Wrong side of the road
It’s time to unload
Colors racing everywhere
Never seen a place with so much flare
Halfway around the world
Different lives soon to be swirled
Thankful for the trip
For the piece of mail I didn’t skip
Kick off my shoes
As I soak in the deep blue
What’s up surf boards
And headphone chords
Palm trees
With a warm breeze
Cute boys
And water toys
Tanned and toned,
Leave my thoughts postponed
Rippling tides
And emotional rides
I just decide to close my eyes
Wake up dead,
Sand underneath my head
Breathtaking sights
Crisp warm nights
Sprinkling rain here and there
Sun shining, beach dried hair
Airplane flights
Long nights
Stupid fights
One whole year,
Reached my biggest fear
Wake up at camp
Lick my letter, postage stamp
Come back home
With friends unknown
One drink, I took
One last look
At my best friend
Feelings start to blend
As I lay in the rain
Feeling all the pain
Of saying goodbye
Storm blends in with my cry
More feelings of being alone
What place should I call home?
Learning starts off as a blur
Depressed thoughts mixed with anger
Sweet hello’s fade to bitter goodbyes
Can no longer see the sparkle in your eyes
I don’t remember
Just like fire leaves ember
Up to the month of December
Life kept crashing down
Every smile greeted with a frown
But then I took one more
Before I fell to the floor
Found an old bliss
Something sworn off with a kiss
But you ran out of my life
I picked up the knife
One more inhale,
Ten more new tales
One more large sip,
I begin to get a grip
Of what it’s like to be happy
No more feeling ******
New faces,
New places,
Don’t leave any traces
I dare to rebel
So now I won’t dwell
On my past
On the things that didn’t last
For the millions of reasons
Or maybe the changing of the seasons
From my summer to winter,
This is what comes out of my printer.

I’m not the best at anything
Like I thought I wanted to be
But I’m pretty good at everything…
Here’s the list that is me:
          Singing
          Writing
          Playing the guitar
          Projects
          Designing
          Driving my car
          Running
          Kissing
          Baking cake
          Organizing
          Smiling
          I am no fake
          Being honest
          Friendly
          Truthful
          And real
          I’m beautiful
          And funny
          I share what I feel
          Open to everything
          Willing to try
I say, “I hate my life”
But I don’t know why.
Why?
Because I had never realized
How great it is to fly.
So, goodbye
          To the past
          To that quiet girl in the corner
          To the crying & frightened girl in the corner
          To the corner I trapped & locked myself into.
To everything I thought was my life
Because my life is what I make it
And I’m making it mine
Go out
Dance about
Scream and shout
I’ll go do what I want
If it’s fun and makes me smile
If I plan to stay for a while
And I have each of you to thank
          You, who rejected me,
          You, who accepted me,
          You, who gave me a chance,
          You, who gave me a glance,
          You, who used me,
          You, who abused me,
          You, who made me laugh,
          You, who watched me cry,
          You, who reached in,
          You all helped me survive.
I am not alone
I have found my new home
I’ll probably break down
You will see me frown
But for right now
I can remember what it is to be happy.

I jump to bad conclusions
And in these delusions
Everything goes wrong
So hear me out,
This shouldn’t take long
I am too cool
For school
For rules
For fools
Like you
So let me off this leash
You have tied around my heart
This isn’t the beginning
This isn’t how we start
I’m pretty
I’m witty
I’m fun
And so ***,
This is the last time
That I will try to mime
The us from the past
Something that didn’t last
Goodbye sweetie pie,
It’s time for this girl to fly.

And it’s okay if your heart breaks
If your head aches
If you’d like to take
A stake
And stab the pain away
For another day
If you’re just too tired to pray
I don’t care about hamburger meat
Or white sheets
Wrapped around my frozen feet
I just want to sleep          
But even then
You haunt my dreams
I end up lost
In dark rooms
With feelings of gloom
And so I resume
To try to stay
In a way
That will make you happy
But I don’t care about you
The way you want me to
So gang up on me
Father, brother, stupid boy
There’s still something I’d like to say
To you
So if you find the time of day
To give me a chance
For that romance
We once had in a glance
Before it went away
So take off your pants
Let’s dance
The night into day
The music lets us sway
But I want you to remember
That it’s December
And I am cold: hearted
Not the way
That we started
Back in the month of May
When feelings were gray
When you got on your knees
And begged me to please
Not slip into a drought
And for all this I still shout
Get me the **** out

"STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES,
                                       BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME."

I don’t know about you,
         but I’d rather be impaled
                   with blades and rocks
                             than called the names
                                      I’ve heard you say.

                             Time after time I think you’ll change.
                                    The lash of words you speak always
                                              seem to cut like daggers
                                                      str­aight through me.
                                                             ­ But your secrets don’t leak out
                                                             ­       and I won’t seek for revenge.
                                                        ­                  I’ll just let you go, like I always do.
I’d rather be beaten and bruised,
          scratched and scarred,
                   combusted and cut up.
                             Because these marks will fade
                                      away from me over time.
                                                But the insults sting forever.

                                      I’ll keep your secrets,
                                                But you won’t keep me.
                                                          You­’ve hurt me before
                                                          ­         and I learned from it.
                                                             ­                But I didn’t learn enough
                                                          ­                            to not live the story over
                                                            ­                                    again and again.
You take different forms,
          as a friend, that I trust-
                   as a love, that I lust-
                             as my family, that I must.
                                      Your words stick with me all the same.
                                                And when they seep out as fallen tears,
                                                          ­reminiscences of them will always reappear.

                                                The scars I bear now
                                                          are­ the outcome of
                                                              ­     words and thoughts.
                                                       ­                      And believe it or not,
                                                            ­                          they didn’t hurt
                                                            ­                                  half as bad as the way
                                                             ­                                       you made me feel.
So, sticks and stones may break my bones,
But your words will haunt me forever.

I’ll keep your secrets,
but you won’t keep me.
You’ll spend time with me,
and you’ll tell me promises
that aren’t quite lies, yet.
But I know they will be.
You'll only throw me out,
just leave me standing there.
The lash of words you say
will cut like daggers
straight through me.

But your secrets won’t leak out
and I won’t seek for revenge.
Instead, I let you go.
Knowing full well that you’ll regret
your actions and your crushing words.
I can’t say how long it will
take you to realize it, but you will.
And when you do, you’ll come back,
just like they all do.

You’ll start to express how sorry you are.
For all of the terrible things you said to me.
How I didn’t deserve any of it.
How you were so wrong.
How you hope I’ll forgive you.
And I’ll tell you what I tell the rest.
          It’s fine. It’s just life. I’m not one to hold
          a grudge and I haven’t. Thank you for
          your apology, I really appreciate it.

And we’ll talk for a while;
try to get back to old times.
But it won’t work.
You’ve already hurt me.
And from that I grew, and I learned.
But I didn’t learn enough
to not live the story again and again.

The thing is: I don’t have to be nice.
I could share your secrets with the world.
I could make your life hell,
just like you’ve made mine.
I don’t have to forgive you.
I could hate you.

But that’s not how I am.
And even though time and time again
I go on abandoned and unappreciated
I still swear to keep your secrets safe.
I still meant the statements that followed every “I promise”
And I still care about you.

But not in the same way I used to.
You were still wrong, and now I just wish you the best.