I think I have come to the point where my interest in you can’t thrive on nothingness.
And I know I’ve felt this way before, and before for you, but
this time I think this is it.
When feelings don’t reciprocate, they can’t survive.
And I can feel you slowly slipping away.

they said get comfortable
and I tried

that silence wasn't always bad
I learned to believe it
and as I did
it had consumed me

too comfortable with nothing
forgot to say something

so, silence.

more silence.

until the silence got so quiet
it disappeared
as did I

it was not loud
or tense
or comfortable
anymore

then I remembered
they said get comfortable
so I'm trying

I didn’t expect you to notice.
     me. because i am gray and you are green.
I didn’t expect you to smile.
     at me. because you are you, and i’m just me.
I didn’t expect you to speak.
     to me. because you pour stories, and i am always dry.
I didn’t expect you to care.
     for me. because i have never felt worthy.
I didn’t expect you to tell.
     me. of your feelings, because i hadn’t a clue they existed.
I didn’t expect you to ask.
     me. to stay over, every night after that.

but you did.
you made me feel more than just the possibilities in my head.
then without any words, you were done with me.
and i’m still trying here, to expect nothing.

Alright, soo...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm a chameleon.
You can put me with (mostly) any group of people and I can fit in,
I can get along with everyone and genuinely enjoy the things they enjoy too.

But just as a chameleon will never actually be what it looks like,
I will never feel like I actually fit in.

My childhood was kind of ruined by the "friends" I had.
I had friends who treated me like **** from first grade to junior year of high school.
I started out my senior year of high school all alone.
Sat by myself, kept to myself.
And then through the middle of the year I started hanging out with the group of friends
that I still have now.
But joining them so late, I was always just missing something.

I love them all to pieces, and am so thankful that this is where I've ended up.
But I've never been 100% comfortable with any of them.
And then I get to thinking that I've never been 100% comfortable with anyone.
I mean, I think I have, but it was so long ago I don't really remember.
After that, I get to thinking that I won't ever be able to be completely comfortable with anyone.
Part of me know's that just silly,
but then what if it's true?

I haven't had a best friend,
or someone to talk to about everything
in over, almost, two years now.
This is probably a lot of this problem.

Back to being this chameleon...
When it comes to preferences, I either have none, or all.
WIth music, I can enjoy pretty much everything.
When it comes to movies, I don't care enough to be the one to decide what to see.
My hobbies include everything; music, instruments, art, sports, critical thinking, exploring, writing, etc.
I'm really content with it all.
When people want to do something and give me choices,
most of the time it honestly doesn't matter to me which one happens.

That makes me feel like I have no opinions.
And people without opinions are usually boring.
Which makes me feel like I'm boring, and have nothing to offer anyone.

When I look at my friends, they all have some substance to them that makes them who they are.
And then there's me.
I don't know how many times I've heard, "you're just Julie!"
I have no idea what that actually means.
I keep trying to figure out who I am and whatnot,
but since I'm a chameleon, it's like I could be anything.
Which in return makes me feel like I'm nothing.

From there, I'm just lost and stuck.

I could probably talk to one of my friends about this,
honestly, I could talk to all of them and they would help me.
But I don't have the slightest clue as to how to approach the topic.
And every time I get the opportunity,
it seems to me like I'd just be complaining.
And I don't feel like I deserve to put this on anyone.
I don't want to be a burden.

For someone who enjoys almost everything,
and is liked by almost everyone.
I feel like I am nothing.

drip, drip, drop
goes the coffee ***
as the blue birds sing
and bring
out signs of spring
my heavy eyes
compromise
with the sun rise
the warm weather
is no surprise
just a gift
a lift
to let us breathe again
my friend
lay with me until the end

it's a strange thing,
love is.
how deeply we can fall into it
but now standing on the other side,
it's like i've forgotten who you were.

somehow i've erased the files
of your face, and of your smiles
and your voice.
the one thing that would never leave my head
it has.

i still think i see you,
in shadows
and in faces of strangers.
only to focus in on someone that
isn't you.

and what i remember now,
isn't you.

because we've grown up
and changed and
have become the people we are today.

but i still remember that day
when you told me
i love you.

from my best friend,
to stranger.
i always will too.

Well I was too afraid to sleep last night
Stayed up until 4:30
Trying to get you off my mind
I was too afraid to sleep last night
Because I knew you'd be there too.

I was right.

I dreamt of you
In the clearest ways,
Everything was real.
I dreamt of you,
And in that dream
You told me what I wanted you to feel.

In mid-kiss I had awoken
Slow to realize
The words were never spoken.
I lay back down in disbelief
I was still left broken.