Deep breaths come natural when thoughts of smiles come up next to you
But the well ran dry and I finally couldn’t muster up any more.
Thoughts and thinking and conversations as the what if’s and potential happenings
Slowly, calmly, but surely, let go of their grasp.
No more stomach aching, tummy tumbling, twist tied knots forming.
I found a peace in the pieces of my heart that afternoon
A restless resting of spattered questions and answers.
The blame isn’t you, isn’t me, it was never meant to be set free.
This is this, that was that, and our pages will keep flipping without warning.
Lonely nights, long days, but they all have their way of letting me know- it’ll be okay.

Knowing that, I'll smile.

The heated air filled my lungs as I took one step outside
Trees begin on the edges, but slowly start to bend
Inwards towards the center of my yard
I look up and their tangled arms hover above me
Leaving the musty gray clouds to pass on by
Music in my ears, because I do not yet trust where my mind will take me
Twilight approaches as I relax my eyes
            Sweet compromise
Breathe in, breathe out, just like you taught me to
Look up and wonder, how far is forever?
                        And why the hell does my face hold a smile?
Bugs, clouds, trees, wind, and my mind – they all drift
Along with the words that sing along
I declare this place my barefoot, summer sanctuary.

Her cheeks heated and flushed with fury and confusion.
The cool tears drip through the curves of her face
And drop off the sides, sliding down her neck,
Soaked up by her shirt and makeup stained pillows.
Red, stinging, eyes and heart from being tugged and rubbed.
            Stomach Dropped.
                                    Throat Dry.
                                                    Black Out.
Keep her crying, it’ll keep her breathing.
The world spins ‘round, and that smile is more of a frown.
Trembles and questions resulting in zero answers.
Helplessly waiting, anticipating, everything that could go wrong.
                                    But Hasn’t.
There was known cognitive dissonance within,
Inside the black voids they call her mind, not right.
Recognizable paths both leading in heartbreak directions.
But she chose happiness, or, wanted to.
            Something’s                                           off.
And no one will tell her what the secret is, or how to follow its sound.
Something she’ll never be.          Found.
            She’s Lost.
You wanted to show her the way and beauty of the world,
And she wanted you to be her adventurous leader, too.

You spoke and your words ran on and on and on.
She heard every one of them.
Each cut and healed with every other syllable.
You took a step back and with what little breath she had,
She blew you away.
                                    I’m sorry.
The frown you so desperately tried to turn upside down,
Just wouldn’t budge and in turn, took you with it.
That permanent smile she used to trip up on is now a
            Permanent Frown.
She could tell with the look in your face as you turned away, you were afraid.
The bird’s shrill shrieks were mocking her, flocking the air above.
Her throat constricting, no breath, no air,
Frozen in fear, anguish and bewilderment
                                                            It Was Inevitable.
The way you didn’t grab my hand or say goodbye in the same ways
Your smile was forced.

You can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself.
So maybe, I’ll die alone.
Timing is everything, and with no spark, I’ve got it all wrong.
Friends meet friends and our hearts will beat on.
Still shaking, trembling, at the thoughts of what if’s and if only’s
            Forget Me Not’s.
Deep breaths and guitar beats come on and all is at peace,
But with one slipped thought, the tears are brought back on.
You all can speak the words time and time again,
But I know and I won’t deny it, that when you break it all down,
It’s My Fault.

My life lives in a repeat.
I notice what I’m doing now, and since we’re so far along the track I just don’t know where to
Stop It.
            “You got a new friend, well I got homies, but in the end it’s still so lonely.”
And that’s exactly what I’m doing to myself.
My best friend lives 210 miles away – maybe that’s because I’ve always been afraid of letting anyone else closer.
I was getting there, diving deeper in, to relationships and lives that could have had the potential to be unforgettable.
                                                                                    Fear Won.
At the end of my days, I pushed everyone else further
                                                            Pushing everything away and at the same time,
                                                            The impacting force shoves me right back,
                                                            Falling off the hill I so diligently tried to climb up in the first place.
The worst part?
            Everything is subconscious.
Zero control over what was going on – what’s still going on.
                        And I still don’t know how to
                        Fix It.
I’ve been pushing and running for the longest time now. I’ve always worried about the future outcomes and the ones from the past.
            Never paying attention to the smiling faces Right In Front Of Me
                                                                                                  Which all leads to Disappointment.
                                                                                                  All within myself, and soon shows up
                                                                                                  physically and then shown in other faces.
                        The result of this mess?
                                    Overwhelmed.
                                    It builds up, piles up, on top of me and soon I can’t breathe.
                                    Then someone messes with a part of the stack near the bottom.
                                    And like a Jenga Puzzle – it all goes tumbling down.
            The girl under there has no chance of survival.
                                                She weeps, sleeps and doesn’t make a peep on days that are gray.
                                                                     Keeps to herself and secretly wishes someone would care.
                                                                     Things are well hidden and unless she frowns,
                                                                     Or makes a sound…                                no one will know.

Moon falls on the outskirts tonight
Losing myself feels right
And there’s no one around to hear me.
Story time
What’s in your mind is mine.
What exactly am I supposed to do
With skies of blue and boys like you?
I stand upon stairs,
Upon mountains in rainy day weather
Poured on and
Feeling each drop of that wet disguise.
They all left me for someone else.
I’m not trying to speak in specific forms
Or patterns, shapes, stripes, or plaids.
The world is a funny color.
The bearer of bad news,
I’m Sorry.
You’re ready to knock my head off
And I’m ready for you too.
I saw a smile in the building lights.
The plastic glittered through the air.
All while the music slows
And the wind picks up.
Fat Bird.
Silence. And the drum beats on.
Now, get back here.
Give me butterflies.

Shatter
Burn
Crash
Drop
            Tremble
            Slit
            Break
            Fall
                        Destroy
                        Hurt
                        Scream
                        Weep
                                    Implode
                                    Gasp
                                    Starve
                                    Burst

                                                Help.
I’m Exhausted.

My hair smells like fresh air gone stale and
The lines in my hands are engraved with dirt
I took off my shoes, got a little wet, got a little muddy
Went a little numb, but the excitement was worth it
Climbed through sticks and trees, twigs and leaves
Saw the sun at its peak and watched it disappear
Squirrels rummaging, ducks quacking, people laughing
Rode on four wheels with summertime music playing
And on a different set with a familiar breeze at my neck
5 hours, 8 scrapes, 3 mud stains, 1 smile, 1 you
The day pulled and pulled itself on through
And there are plenty more adventures to come
For this, this was just day one.