Let the secrets of the unknown world take you under
Let them release themselves into your mind
Take over your body one nerve at a time
The quivers and shakes couldn’t hold down the breaks
The need to cry, you tried to put it all behind
But sweet release can’t be hidden forever
Turn up the sound and drown it all out
Every hello, every goodbye, every shiver, every sigh
With every tear, with each breath let the fire pour out
Silence the distractions and cuddle up with fear
Pillows over body under sheets, hideaway
Let the other world’s secrets come and play
And cure you, if not with answers, then with peace
Don’t move, don’t breathe, until you absolutely have to
If you ever truly do, then turn out the lights
I don’t even want to hear you speak tonight
There’s a look in the eyes that change colors by the hour
A face gone sour, bitter, and one wish yearning
Let it take over your body one nerve at a time

Take my hand and Run.
Run away with me just like we did,
Under the Moonlight, and
Into the street lights, tonight
Guide me into trees of brown and black,
Keep your eyes Forward,
Loose leaf path and don’t look back
I feel like a giant to the pyramids among me
Watch them as they stand and stare
Seeing the field of muddy mounds
And I secretly Disappear.

Adventure and my Heartbeat lead me off,
Running once again, dodging, bending, looking out,
I found the dreaded End.
As I searched, eyes wide and flustered
The voices faded and my own came out.
What felt like years ended with one vibration.
“Where are you?”
I was where I am and where I’ve always been.
On my own, off in the distance, exploring
And now I wanted you there too.

Dug out from branches and Secret holes,
Into a plain and musty green splat of land
I walked along, and there you were.
One look, One touch, One kiss
Brought me all back again
And again we fall into the Forest.
Following the Light back home.

You yelled and blamed, turned the innocence to shame and I was finally fed up.
Your tricked me, tripped me, and pushed me down into self-doubt and utter sadness.
I was desperate,
Thinking I could only rely on what I used to do.
The prescription that said my name called out with a familiar voice and said,
“Where have you been?” And as it lured me in, “Don’t you know you can’t be happy without me?”
And so I gave in, but only out of spite.
In all honesty, I really wasn’t trying to do any harm,
But with all the blames of emotions caused by something not yellow, but by you,
I thought, “****, watch me take two.”
But after months of not taking a substance that messes with your head,
And going from 0 to 200 instead…
I should have eased in, and should not have gone over the line that was marked as enough.
I was sick of being crabby and wanting to cry, I wanted a quick fix and I didn’t want to try.

Fast forward to the shaky feeling I knew all too well from that one night in late September.
Coming at me like lightning bolts from outer space,
I couldn’t keep up and my body wasn’t backing down.
The trials of growing pain soreness and worn out aches start to overflow
And spill out of my arms and legs.
Hurting, cramping, shaking, all because I went from 0 to 200
And all I can think about now is how thankful I am that 500 more didn’t slip out into my hand.

Late at night after all the fussing and hustling, the dreams started to kick in and mine were
Interrupted
By shakes and pains, and now that bathroom is calling my name.
Try to breathe and get that dizziness out of my head,
My parents talk instead.
I can’t let them see me now, hear me now.
Because before I knew it, all 200mg and the nothingness I ate that day are spilling out
And my face hurts, but my body is relieved.
I remember reading about how they’d turn your stomach inside out.
Not enough to go, just too much to handle.

Still shaky at 7:03 but glad my body takes care of me.
While I’m not immune to any sickness, I should have been smart enough to know,
To remember,
That my body would never let me go
The quick fix isn’t in an unmarked pill given to the mentally ill,
But by a smile, if I’d just let you give it to me and let it come out once in a while.
The only shakiness I ever want to feel again is the butterflies given from your eyes
Or the little shivers we get when we spend our nights outside.

At 0, I’ve been happy, and more alive than I’ve felt in years.
At 200, I begin to physically combust.
And so the next time you ask me why the slots are still filled,
I’ll just tell you, it’s because I’m happy without them.

Because I’d rather sit and wonder
Than hear the answers I can’t live with
And now we sit in peaceful silence
With wandered stares and guitar blares
Gone with the wind, like your mind,
Not resting in time
Reports cut short and if I cough I die
I came untied and my mind unraveled
It traveled to places I swore I’d never take it
And there I go, we go, you’re gone
And I’m still sitting in the distance
Quiet and the shower starts
Erases, paces, traces
Marks of the bruised and beaten, the scorn and slit
And with that lucky blade she made a trade
A deal with the devil,
They took it to another level
And the ears beat loud to sounds
Of cluttered corners and choppy loners
Sneaky chills and he calls
With names and blames playing the same games
With black eyes and striped grins
The voices make me tremble and with one hit,
One run, one hundred and ten pounds of guilt
Strapped to her back
Shoe tied laces and unmarked land
She collapsed.

I cut you off because I thought I needed change and
nothing was really helping.  So I decided to go physical, I
needed to see a difference in order to feel a difference.  And if
there’s something I have learned, is that I have always loved
my hair.  Even when I hated everything, it was there for me to
stare & get lost in its tangled colors.
            So maybe I’m silly, and ridiculous, and maybe this is
no big deal… to you.  But to me, I am sad and regret ever
thinking I needed to change myself.  Go ahead and laugh and
taunt and tell me, “It’s just hair.”  I don’t care. I’m not much of
a girly-girl and I don’t give a **** what my hair ever looks like,
at least I didn’t when it was long and luscious.
            It was all in my mind and what now?  Now I’m left
without the comfort of my long blonde locks.  Stuck with this
short, uneven **** and I know what I need to do to fix it.  But
for that I need to cut it more, I dare not, and I also need a
time machine.  To make it grow out, longer, longer, faster,
now!  But now it’s annoying and the stupid kinks are stupid
and dumb.
            And god, so am I.  And yes, I sound like a child.
                        But that’s cool, ‘cuz I am.
Lesson learned.

This love-hate affair had been going on since seventh grade
When I first stepped foot onto that oval shaped piece of hell
After all that time, crying, wishing, regretting, and failing
I swore that if I ever manned up and told my father no,
        I wouldn’t miss a thing.
After years of putting myself out there
On that track and in the middle of that open field,
After trying so hard but just not physically being capable to do it,
Or maybe I wasn’t mentally able to allow myself to go faster…
        These words are what I clench back with my teeth.
                I miss the early morning workouts that sent me straight to bed later on
                I miss the relief of finding out we weren’t going to have a hard day, instead, yoga
                I miss being able to brag about how hard my workout was the day before
                I miss rolling out of bed, grabbing my bag and driving myself to school at 5:30,
                        Ready to fall back asleep on the bus ride to our meet
                I miss being the sloth of the team, sleeping any chance I got, in any spot
                I miss the butterfly feeling I got before the gun went off
                I miss how exhausted I would be halfway through my race
                I miss planning where and when I would purposely fall down and hurt myself
                        Even though it never really came to that
                I miss the cheering of the team collectively as each runner ran by
                I miss the shouts of numbers and praises telling me to go faster, faster!
                I miss the rush of adrenalin that would pump through as the finish line got closer
                I miss finishing, and thinking of how much harder I could have gone, but didn’t
                        Every race would end in feelings of failure, but they really weren’t
                I miss playing around with my friends when we were all finished with our competitions
                I miss yelling at my teammates to keep it up! And reassuring them that they could do it!
                I miss being not good at competing, and being put in the slower groups during practices
                I miss feeling embarrassed as the other teams watched us run, and me, falling behind
                        I miss how we would all go faster when there were boys around, no matter what
                I miss my coach’s pep talks that were insightful for real life too, not just for running
                I miss being able to vent on runs, through talking and the pounding of my feet
                I miss sharing with everyone I hated running and practice and meets and being there
                I miss telling everyone that my dad made me run and that’s why I was there
                        Even though I could have stopped myself if I actually, truly wanted to
It’s not that I miss the sport or the people right now
It’s that I miss the way it was when we all first started
When all of my friends were with me
But slowly, one by one, they started peeling away
Splitting off into their own directions, deciding to move on
I was the leftovers. I did not matter. No one cared.

And that’s when I started not to miss these things anymore.

Done with you’s and I’s
Expressing my goodbyes
Match box, lit 2
Sworn into by thieves
Foot tapping
Paper wrapping
A pair of boots and
Opening eyes into
A sea of rippling green
Paper cut from
Notebook nightmares
No blood, just sting
Opposite of Friday
Lotsa blood, no sting
We’ll find another way
Mark up body with
One black shape
No shame
One permission
Intermission.