She lies on a bed
Engulfed in black sheets
With nothing but
Herself, her mind and the music.

She falls into familiar patterns.

Empty thoughts containing
Masses of emotion
Begin to rattle her brain.

Using the beats and melody
To drown out her voice
She knows she needs
To make a choice.

Let the monsters consume her, or
Resume in her happiness.

Each path would be easy to
Take and wander upon.

She’s been down both,
But which appeals to her most?

She stays still, staring at
Her white ceiling and blue walls
Letting the shadows guide her eyes.

Over to the dresses that danced with boys,
Past the medals that still shout out failure,
Mixed in zigzags and colors,
But mostly blacks and blues,
Off to empty bottles filled with roses,
A drawer full of notes containing memories,
Empty drink glasses and wrappers,
Papers and pens mixed in with stickers and beads,
Mounds of sweatshirts that
Hide her insecurities.

Her mind is made up.
Her choice is to sleep.

I don’t care
If it’s something
Silly
Or
Insignificant
It hurts
Time and time
Again and again
I let this happen
No escape
From feelings like
These
They haunt
And taunt
Until I breakdown
Until I cry
You laugh
Tell me I’m
Ridiculous
But I’m really
Not
Things have just
Been building
Up
And I don’t know
Where to put
These bottled
Emotions
I can’t
Control
Them
I let them infest
Every being
Of my
Body
With no one
To go to
No shoulder to
Lean on
I’m confused
And
Feeling abused
I’m sick of
Everything
My mind has
Checked
Out

You’re a ******* *******.
I don’t understand why I’m always giving something up
Or changing my ways for other people
When everyone still goes around
And does whatever the hell they please.
No one listens to what I say
Even though I’m always the one who’s open to
Ideas and thoughts other than my own.
I’d love to just go around not giving a crap
About how my actions affect other people.
But for some reason, that’s just not me.
Maybe I bring this on.
I continually let people walk all over me
Expecting, that maybe at some point someone
Will actually show some respect back.
What a joke.
Even the little things, I hold myself back.
But when it comes to someone else,
It’s all about them.
Whatever they want.
**** this. *******. I’m done.
They say, “Nice guys finish last.”
I’m starting to think they just get killed
Before they get the chance to cross the line.

And I found her there
With green eyes and long blonde hair
Laying motionless

Red blood, dead, blood red
And she lay in peaceful pain
But this wasn’t vein

Unpredictable
It could have been tragedy
Her face hints a smile

I stay for a while
Staring at what used to be
Jagged marks on flesh

Her eyes, looking off
To a space, a better place
But her family cries

Not much life had lived
In her poor, helpless body
But it was too late

Lessons went unlearned
And we couldn’t stop her fate
The knife that slit her

Her body quit her
Contents of pills that spilled in
She loved the embrace

I looked at her face
Although dead, she was happy
Underneath bruises

Seeping out in blood
The blade told us her story
Marks for this and that

But she didn’t care
She loved the things she had done
There was something missed

At first when you saw
The scene made you look away
But my eyes had stayed

I saw the beauty
The fragile soul that let go
I took her limp hand

Closed my eyes and prayed
That she had found the place that
She was looking for

And then I saw it
“There’s got to be more than this.”
Carved into her arm

There are thoughts from my past
That I wish wouldn’t last.
I don’t want you to linger
I just want you to go.
These feelings that stay aren’t fair.
One day I’m fine.
Perfectly over you and feeling divine.
And the next I am crying
Wondering why I can’t call you mine.
You’re such a stranger now and
I don’t know how it ever got this way.
I’m sick of all the familiar faces
In all of these places
That I can’t say hello to
Because I no longer know who
Any of you are.
Not a friend, not a foe.
But to you, I can’t go.
I want to take it all back,
But I know that’s not right
So I lay here every night,
And I decide to fight
The moods that swing by and
The memories that make me cry.
As I keep wondering, “Why?”

Ever since you left, you’ve changed
And for the better, I can tell
You’ve turned into some ladies man,
Some hot ****, a party go-er
You never were a shy boy,
But now you’re never timid.
          I changed too
          For the better, also
          More confident, and happier
What I don’t understand is
Why we couldn’t be like this while
We were together
          Who are you?
          Where did the old you go?
The one who actually cared about me
The one who knew, without a doubt,
When I was upset
And right away tried to help me out.
          I don’t know who you are anymore
          And that’s terrifying.
          I look at you now and you’re different.
          I mean, I guess it’s a good thing for you.
But I’m sick of how quickly people change.
How fast life went from
          Knowing everything about you
To
          Knowing absolutely nothing
It’s weird and I hate it
I don’t understand it
But I guess this is how life happens… I guess.

Here we go again.
I’m sitting here,
Thinking about you,
Reading notes from a year ago
And I can’t help but think about it.
How it all went down hill
I can’t even remember.
You said you never wanted anything to change
And I know I never did either.
But somewhere along the line it did,
And I’m sorry that it was probably my fault.
Things usually are.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here.
You weren’t just someone I was with.
You were someone I loved.
You’re someone I still love.
You were my best friend.
I know I’ve said it to you before,
But I see it clearly now.
You were all I needed every day to be happy.
I miss seeing my boy every single day.
My mind is so scattered.
I can’t remember if this is what I wanted,
Or thought I wanted,
Or if it’s all just one big mistake that
I don’t know how to get myself out of.
I see you in the hallways once in a while.
You smile, I smile, and every time I tell myself,
“Yep. I love him.”
But if I do, and it feels like I do,
Then why did it end in the first place?
What went wrong?
When did we start all the fighting and
Bickering about the stupidest things?
Maybe your mind is clearer than mine.
Maybe you remember exactly what happened
And know that this arrangement is for the best.
Maybe this is what you want.
But since you weren’t just someone I loved,
Would you still be my best friend?
I always seem to lose mine.