My days have come and gone, and I have ended up alone.
Hello, my biggest fear.
No one offers their shoulder for me to cry on.
No one is there to listen to me vent out my problems.
To be completely honest, I didn’t think it would get to this. Not to me. I wouldn’t end up with no one.
But I did. And… that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

I say that all nonchalantly but really, this kills me more with each day that goes by.
Days prior to the beginning of school, I lived in dread.
I knew I was alone.
I didn’t need to be reminded by it every day.
One deep breath as I walked in, this is ridiculous, I’m pathetic.

This is embarrassing.
This is my senior year in high school. I am alone.
I get there too early. I’m ready to go to class, books in hand. There are still ten minutes until the bell.
I’ve got nowhere to go, no one to talk to.
I’ll just sit here, in front of my locker.
I don’t know whether I feel exposed or hidden from everyone else.

As I sit there I hear laughter and excitement, “Hey! How are you?! I’ve missed you!”
I wouldn’t be hearing those words this time around.
And I didn’t.
As people pass by, they glance but nothing more.
I don’t hold it against them; my actions would be the same as theirs.

I sit in the library during my lunch hour.
Alone, of course.
It’s all fine, as fine as it will ever get I suppose.

I see people from my other classes.
But they don’t offer a hello, not even a simple smile.
They just pass on by as if I don’t exist.
Forget about the lonely girl in the corner.
She is invisible.

Towards the end, I thought it was right
I had known this was coming.
I was over it all; I was fine.
We had moved on, happily,
like nothing even happened to us.
But I remember a time when I broke down
crying because you left school early
for a weekend vacation.
You’re still here in the back of my mind.
I could ask you if you still felt anything,
but that wouldn’t be fair.
Not to you, not to me, not to anyone.
But I wish I could know that you were here…
Just in case…
What if I fall down?
You used to be there to pick me up.
Every time; without hesitation.
Now my safety net is so far away.
It’s tangled and twisted and
there are parts of it missing,
but it also has pieces that you never had.
We still talk as friends do,
but I used to call you “mine”.
After all of my world came down,
    there you were,
        still next to me,
            still smiling.
And now you’re gone.
Every time I see you
I hope you know what I’m feeling inside.
I used to say everything
and if I didn’t you would pry it out of me.
Now I say nothing.
You don’t ask, I don’t tell,
the words just stick in my mind.
I smile when we talk.  
I know it because once you walk away
my frown seems so much stronger.  
I’ve made such a mess of everything.
My thoughts consume me,
but you already knew that.
I’m scared right now.
What if I messed up?
Big time.
I’m mostly afraid that
I’m actually admitting these words-
even more so: on paper.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I never did.
You didn’t know what to do with me either.
I don’t blame you.
I look back on it now,
surprised with how long you stuck around.
I was such a miserable person,
you were my only good.
When it was over,
neither of us went through pain,
at least, I don’t recall it.
I didn’t think I needed it then,
but now I know I do.
I need some kind of closure.
Do you still think about the good times?
    Just like I do?
Do you miss the things that used to be ours?
    I know I do.I wish I could know what you felt
when we spoke, or when you saw my smile.
Because I know a part of me is vulnerable
to you when I see that grin.
You know, I still think we were great.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy.
There are things that are going well,
and that I wouldn’t change.
But when I see all that,
it makes me wonder even more-
why I still need you.
Why do I want you to be my backup?
When my mind wanders off and
I picture my future,
why do I still fit you into it?
I guess, emotionally,
I never worked well alone.
The last time I actually was…
You and I both know;
I wouldn’t make it out alive.
Maybe I just desire that something about you.
But I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that;
You know I miss you… right?

Brick Walls fall apart like
     W
      A
        T
           E
            R
                F
                   A
                     L
                       L
                          S
                             And words spoken out loud but they are only
                             All just wishful thinking like in some Fairytale…
                             And in that fairytale you left me Speechless.                                                                        Happy.
                                                                       Excited.                                                                        Mesmerized.
                                                                       In Love.
                                                                       So don’t you dare take your words
Back now.
          My pleasant thoughts bursting like bubbles in my mind being killed by some
          murderer.
          But they always find their way back together like magnets.
          First kiss: hesitant, smile, warm, passionate.
                             Your sweet voice spoke; “Why did I like that kiss so much?”
                                                              My heart is pounding.
                                                              My thoughts are racing            
                                                              On my face lies a permanent smile.

| In your arms I was perfect | This is happening | We are speechless | Caught up in each other’s eyes |

Our warm bodies keeping each other comfortable in the coldness of the night.
Hugging you was the safest feeling I have ever encountered in my entire life.
With one look at you my body goes numb.
My limbs tingle with excitement and my head feels dizzy.
You are incredible, you are unbelievable, and you are… you.
And you must be mine.

You asked me what I felt when I kissed you.
I replied with: Happiness.
But what you don’t know is that I don’t ever use that word to describe myself.

This happiness means;
I’m filled with joy; this is perfection; all I see is you; I have no worries;
I’m tremendously excited; I feel so upbeat; I must be so blessed;
you make me feel alive; all I want is for you to be mine.

I was scared, but I still asked, “Could we ever be together?”
You responded with six words,
the six words that are still skipping on a record player in my mind.
“I sure as hell hope so.”
And with that you gave me your smile,
wrapped it in a kiss, and sent me into my dreams.

I sit here trembling.
Shaking uncontrollably
Waiting for your reply

Thoughts race through my mind
They can’t be tamed
They’re never ending

I can’t think
I can’t speak
I can’t settle
I can barely breathe

I can feel my heart racing
I can hear it beat from inside my ears
I wish it would drown out the rest

I think of you
I can smell you on my sheets
I can hear your voice

But you’re not here

A tear rolls down my face
Then two, then three, four
Now those won’t stop either

Still petrified
Don’t tell me you lied
My heart is fried

Every night is the same story
I beat myself up in the same way
It never helps
I never learn

More thoughts scattered
Why are you doing this
What did I do wrong
How can I fix this

But no one answers
The phone doesn’t light up with your name

Salking quietly so no one else hears

I wake up with puffy eyes
From crying myself to sleep the night before

Conversations for us go one of three ways
          None at all, meaningless words tossed back and forth or
          Fights about stupid **** that neither of us really care about
You give short replies lacking all emotion
          And you wonder why I think you don’t care about me
When I open my mouth to share my thoughts
          You find some way to make them backfire in my face
I gave up so much for this, don’t push me away now
You sit there, wherever you are, miles away
          With no way for you to see my face
          How much hurt and stress and pain it’s been carrying
All you have to do is say the word
          And I’d be there, with you, the only place I want to be
I don’t have the slightest clue to what happened
          All I know is that I want to fix it; I’ve been trying to fix it
But this isn’t a one player game
          I can’t make all the moves
I’ve never actually been treated this badly before
          What keeps me hanging on?
          I wasn’t even sure you had my heart yet
          But I can already feel it breaking
Show me that you still want this
          Prove to me you’re worth it.

I still remember all of the songs
That meant something to us.
I remember the ones that made me think about you
And I listen to them in the spots that we claimed as ours.
I remember the ones that we danced to in your car,
As we laughed constantly at ourselves.
The ones we danced to and the ones that played
When we were alone in your room.

I remember the words you said and wrote.
I still replay them in my mind.
I remember exactly how and when
You told me you loved me.
I remember the feeling your words gave me.
I remember how I didn’t take a compliment from you,
But on the inside it meant the entire world to me.

I remember the time when you were my everything.
I was your everything.
And that was perfect for the both of us.
We were special in each other’s arms,
And in each other’s thoughts.
We made each other happy,
And that’s all we wanted for the future.

I remember messing up.
I got picky and aggravated at the dumbest things.
They’re things that I can’t even remember now
Because they were so insignificant.
But I also remember
The few times your words struck like a knife.
And when mine hurt you that much as well.

I remember how you would carry me on your back,
How you would look at me, smile at me, cuddle with me,
And hold me as I cried in your arms.

But I can’t seem to remember
How I lived before I met you.

Maybe I’m not as special as I thought I was…

I had always known… or thought
That I was actually pretty,
I thought I was smart,
I thought I was talented,
I thought I was different.

But you, and you, and you,
Have helped to prove it to me,
I am invisible.

This girl is pathetic.
I tried to go on, tried to be happy.
I knew deep down that these efforts wouldn’t work.
And guess what?
I was right.

I thought if I just kept telling myself,
“You’re beautiful”,
Then I would actually believe it,
Have more confidence in myself,
And in return, other people would see it too.
Wrong.

I thought if I just kept practicing,
Working my *** off every day,
Teaching myself how to get the right tune,
Or keeping up when I got frustrated-
I thought I could excel at something,
Anything?
Nothing.

I wanted to believe that I was something different.
I did believe it,
But when no one else can see what I see,
What’s the point?

Answer: There is none.
Answer: You’re not special.

I’ve grown to hate my life even more.
Hard to believe.