it's one of those
things; how
coffee, after dinner
sounds good but
you can't sleep when you get home &
how the trees look so beautiful
dying and gold
still, outside it freezes you
down to your bones
it's when you feel like that
last slice of cake that
got left out
it's this
breathing to scream but
don't open your mouth
I've been
digging for reason
buried in doubt
to believe in what's good when
that isn't allowed &
I've swallowed my gun
it was loaded with love but
it shot out my lungs
I learned love's not enough

you know from the moment
you
stop feeling beautiful
she said it
wasn't suppose to matter
and
I always want
what's
gone

& you're always gone
so what's beautiful
without your forearm
without our throats
& when I can't hear you

cause I'm not writing poetry
I'm filing a complaint
in a love letter
to your name

lately
I've stayed inside;
being reminded that
even the grass is
loud sometimes
& I'm
desperate for silence

something to stop my
grinding teeth when
I can't scream the answer

while
everyone's dying to feel
better &
I just want to feel less
but
Gravity gets the best of us &
I'm doing everything I can
to
deny the pressure

I'm inside of the d*** on purpose;
the last couple of plates you've dropped
& kept eating from, and I wish you'd just be careful.

I only wanted for the grass on this side to stay green, but I certainly wouldn't have minded if you sat down.

I don't like trying to squeeze between your ribs but I know I left something good there.
Like, how I should have been less than a stranger the longer we kissed until it backfired and now it's the mouth making all of my decisions while your hand covers my heart.

& It was never about bodies /
I wouldn't know how to worship anything
& peace of mind has never been very gently priced so I'll overpay in the form of self destructive predicaments and overused adjectives, pretending everything's okay when I can't hear any of the rhymes anymore.

I'm still just standing in my own ashes
the debris in which I've burned,
night after night for you

learning there are no breaths
deep enough

& I can't tell if the whiskey is helping
then again
neither is the screaming

try shaking off
what's been chained to you;
pulling skin from bone
shouldn't feel like home
and a big bowl of
whatever it is you want from me

you see, I keep having this dream
where you are
so
happy to see me
& now I can't seem to
appreciate mornings

it's been
a hundred days of bleeding
in need of
something unkeepable
something my arms can't possibly
reach for

when
all my
words
I keep warm for you
straight through my
frozen throat
a broken chest plate
just in case
you need them to save you

all she did was
reach for a glass
and
my eyes became like pens
drawing my love
with every stretch of
her legs
building up until i
felt like the snap between
the stem and the apple
twisted a little and
so completely consumed

I don't want now
to
forget you
but I need
a silent night;
& I am
frightened by the poetry
you've blinked into my mind
& now it's been that i can't
want you
how it
tortures
both my thighs
I have to
pretend I don't love you
& none of it feels right
I'd like to
untie & u n d o
all of the knots that tie me down
to knuckles that you've used
to smooth all of it out
but all your
smearing won't remove
it only
spread it all around
& while you sleep so
far away
I've had to learn to breathe
face-down