I've felt fire honey
& i've known what it feels like to get burnt
then I took one look at you
and decided I was right
this must be what sunlight tastes like
it must burn

tell me how not to want you
(i need you to say it)
teacher; teacher
(woman) I'm writing you down

this woman is not mine
"she's not mine" - I've cried this a billion times

she is mine though
she's my morning; my mind before coffee
my night, bedtime, my dreams
she haunts me
she is light
she's alright with it, because i won't say it
she's okay with it & I'll never say it

stone ribs turned to glass
my heart had wings before this
now it wants to lay down
somewhere beside you where time doesn't move
& we're the only ones moving
I want to move inside of you
slowly
the way music does or good news
i want you to miss my hands
& I want to sip from yours

I want to kiss you everywhere water pushes when you swim, or bathe

& someday
                      someday I'll catch your bottom lip
     between my teeth & keep you there

*now teach me how to keep you

how dare I
compare you to the birds
the stars
the beach or even trees
& shame on me for blinking
when you are all I see

I've watched the sky
light up the night
and every time
I've seen your eyes
in Orion
I've seen them in Hydra
and the minors
I've dreamt you were mine girl
when you smile
I can see it for miles
but our stars haven't aligned
or maybe I'm just blinded by the
lightning
or the light
from the moon
I can see it from my room
& I can see you in that too
and I'm in love with the universe
I'm so in love with the way it works
between the blue & all the latitudes
the way the wind blows through
is how I mean to move in you
but I'm not a bird
and you're not amused
if only I could prove my fuse
on my spaceship
to meet your atmosphere
but I'll just lay here
alone under these stars
& maybe if I don't blink
I'll find your heart

I'm having beer for breakfast
& you're nowhere around
freed a completed checklist
of my spine spiraling down
I'm queen
I'll eat you legless
your knuckles form my crown
through your deep breathing down
your knees become my necklace
and I'm pushing through your sounds  
it's the bed that's shaking now
but you feel it in the ground
your sweat has met the sheets
and through your bones
I feel you now
between our breaths
we're chest to chest
I fumble through your brown
with every strand tied in my hand
and both your lips against my mouth

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to hate yourself
The first time you tripped over your own fault lines
And started taking caution in every step
When did it happen?
Was it at 10?
When your shaking hands couldn't hold still
And the shame of them drove you into isolation
Maybe it's because others noticed
Or because they did their best to make it clear you were different
I don't think you know
That the rhythm you had and still have
Is unlike the rest
It is crooked and uneven but beautiful nonetheless
You didn't know it then
And accepting unsteadiness is easier said than done

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to hurt yourself
Could it have been at 13?
When the weight of too much pressure motivated you to lose it
To the point where bones stuck out more than your voice
Loud girl became quiet that year
And then even more so the next
When your changing body didn't morph the way you would have liked it to
Left you shaped uncomfortably
A little too top heavy
The kind that drew unwanted attention
At a time when standing out was the last thing you desired
You turned skin into a battlefield into remnants from too many losses
Wrists became front lines, then hips, then neck until
You became too much destruction to keep the war going
You learned that it is impossible to win in a fight against yourself

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to forget yourself
Was it at 15?
When the sacrifice of your body wasn't enough
To make a careless boy love you
It was a silly thing to give it all away
When you barely had enough of you for yourself
Your efforts changed after that
Trying too hard turned into not trying at all
Feeling too much turned into feeling nothing at all
You learned to repress and erase
And start over in the morning
You have been heavy from trying to hide away for so long

Tell me when it is
The first time you learn to love yourself
Will finally be after all of the years of disappointment?
Of self-deprecation?
When you realize you deserve more
Than to be the dust swept off to the side
Deserve better than to be an ashed out version of your potential
You were not meant to be wasted
You were not meant to be washed out and pushed down
You were meant to stand tall

The first time you learn to love yourself
Will be when you realize flaw is inevitable
When your skin turns itself different colors
And nothing can be done to change it
You will then learn acceptance

The first time you learn to love yourself
Will be when you stop comparing
When you look in the mirror and see only yourself in the reflection
Nobody else
You were meant to be here
You were meant to embrace it all
This body
This skin
This image
The only one you will ever have
The same one you will have to love
And eventually you will,
You'll learn how to.

I'm feeling nostalgic
about a woman in my sleep

did she call yet ?

I think I'll feel it when she speaks

that i'm f a l l i n g
but I don't come with wings . . .

so it's a l m o s t

time to quit this dream
where you're taller
you're looking right at me
I feel small
and
you weakening my knees
it's called log z's
it's like being asleep;
but I don't want you in my dreams no more
I want you where I breathe

it's like fall
how
the colors hit the trees
and how the wind keeps blowing
disbelief
underneath my feet

& how you think you make me laugh
when you really torture me

am I crazy
for wanting what I see ?

if this is crazy
well then
I don't really know what to believe