most nights
I lie awake and degrade all the extra space in my bed
spaces you'd fill and warm
only exist in my head
I long for that smell
that pulls on my chest
bring it back to me
I'm begging you
so I can finally get some rest
like swallowing a bowl of tacks
push pinned into my ribs
ribs no longer ticklish
these ribs were once a kid's
now turned into a cage of bones
so old
hardened to stone
home to this weak beating heart
but it's the only one I'll own
So i'll try to do what's right tonight
and forget about your head
forget about your overbite
i'll forget about your legs
I try my best
to pretend I can
forget about your hands
i'll push out all of your silly sounds
i'll forget we took a chance
but suddenly I realize
and
I'm just forcing myself to forget you
when all I really, really want
is you back inside my bedroom

See I knew all along
That you would never call

the truth tonight is useless
I know what you'll say
you'll say how much you love me
and for me to go away
this proposed disposal
makes a girl feel like a queen
buried 9 feet
underground  
from there is where I scream
thinking I was settled
guess I didn't learn a thing
cause here I am just spinning
catch me puking in the sink
draw out all these nights
on a tiny piece of paper
write down what I am
then rip it up for later
trying to be patient
and waiting for your call
******* up my chance to talk
I think I'll drink them all
prepare yourself for pain my dear
that's all you'll eat tonight
swallow it like fire
it's the burn you will not like
trust yourself and you will find
a tiny piece of mind
& if she no longer wants you
then you must leave her behind

I think I lost you today
somewhere between
good morning
and having nothing to say
when you know it
cause it feels different
like I should have been more self-aware
and you suddenly appear distant
not like you pushed me
you just told me to stay
so i'm sitting here lost
wishing my flesh away
so I don't have to feel you
or even dream it up
I think I heard what you said girl
but those words aren’t enough
cause my chest is inhaling
all the air off this shift
& this change in our atmosphere
has denied what I wished
should I forget it ?
forget it
i see signs in your dip
and now alone is how I leave you
and that's suddenly it

I want a woman to scour
& beat me with flowers
for hours to tower my
tightened empowerment
delighted by sight
at what hasn't been sighted
i'd be delighted if just for a night
you'd sit right by side
but that hasn't been quite yet decided
for a while sit tight and at night fight the silence
the silence of quiet excitement / be frightened
but don't be afraid of my plight
be delighted
i want to crawl all of your ribs
count your bites
i tried twice to fly right by your mind
to entice it
but tonight I just write to
make bright on my mind
on my mind you shine brightly
in my mind you're like lightening
and kindly I'm blinded
your beauty is blinding
I'd like to rewind
to remind
and remind
and remind
and remind you

My ability to expect
Is exceptionally disconnected
My head especially rejected
all the bad news I've been left with
Won't the sadness suddenly settle?
With all the battles noosed and beheaded
I'd be headed back to the moon
But even the bats know I'm embedded
I misread whatever was said and now it's our backs stabbed and regretted
Thinking:
if you had my back
it wouldn't have been that bad to begin with
Let's begin with some forgiveness
If you would sit down and actually listen
and when I'm finished you can pretend that in the end everything's different

I don't know if that was the right thing to say
of if I even know what that is anymore