“I am so proud”
you wrote
“of my intelligent, hardworking,
engaging and lovely…
niece.”
Not daughter.
Niece.
Yes, she is all those things,
but just once
when I do something
important
would it be so hard to
acknowledge it?
But no, that would be asking
too much.
The only thing that remains
is for me to be angry.
Not with you, with myself,
for actually being surprised
that it was her title after those
adjectives

and not mine.

You hide me away surronded by mist
And pretend I don't exist
Pull me out when needed me
Then you'd go off and flee

When I needed a shoulder
Father, where have you been?
When you get older
I won't be so keen

When you want me to lend a hand
You will never understand
You gave me rejection
Now it's my turn to do the nelection

“Haha, very good”
That’s what my father says when he finds something clever and amusing.
A simple phrase depicting the way he feels.
I’ve noticed myself using this phrase
When I too find something clever and amusing
And I wonder what I could have created
Had I not been subjected to this line.
Would I have been more descriptive, charming even?
Perhaps ever-changing from day to day, keeping seemingly interested.
But then I begin to ponder,
If his father too had used his phrase,
And his father before him,
Keeping alive a generation through subtle words.
And I begin to think “Haha, very good.”

He comes in when your going to bed
he knows it has been a hard day
you look into his eyes
they show the deep affection
the Father Daughter love
he is the only one I can talk to right now.
everyone else doesn't understand
not even yourself
but he makes you understand
in a nice truthful kind of way
and that is why he is your father
to have Father Daughter talks

I went home for Easter Sunday
During my senior year of college.
I was at that age
Where only my mother
Could call me a boy.

At one point in the weekend
When I was alone with my father
He tried to apologize
For all the things he had not done
When I was still a boy.

There are many things
My father never did.
He never called me stupid
He never yelled at me or demeaned me
He never clipped my wings
And he never clubbed my head.

Ther are other things
My father never did.
He never left home
He never came home drunk
He never beat my sister or brother
    or my mother
He never failed us.

There is one last thing
My father never did.
He never has told me he misses me
Nor have I said it to  him
But I could never doubt that he does
Because I do
And we are two of a similar kind.

I could never say I loved you,
we were too distant for that...
still, I did.
You weren't an easy man
to be close to...and I yearned
for that connection.

I saw you cry once,
out of illness and fear...
I went to hug you,
but you stiffened...
I could not comfort you,
that hurt yet I understood.

You were a hard man...
any illusions about that died long ago.
You were a bigot
and you cheated on my mother.
You were rarely there for me
except when you were.

Father...
I longed for something more...
a bonding man to man.
That never happened;
still I love you, I cannot help it,
you made me who I am.

You are

*******
Brilliant
Con man
Devoted
Enigmatic
Father
Gregarious
Healer
Indignant
Jovial
K­artikeya
Liar
Machiavellian
Narcissist
Ogre
Provider
Quaint
Resil­ient
Sage
Thief
Ubiquitous
Vagrant
Wanted
Xylene
Yawl
Zestful

All these things are only a small representation of that which you were.

To be honest

These are
only the things
That I recall
You being to me
Being for me

I refuse to Sanctify you
I refuse to Demonize you

You Sir

Gone so many days
Missed for so long
Moons have passed

Pleasures which I
I prayed you observed

Millions of events large and small
have come and gone since that day

Most of which
are insignificant

Many of which
will never be complete with out you having been there

You are gone
these things are what you were

you are still alive in me
so they are things that you are

and I have to accept that I am.

It has been 9 years and counting...

r.i.p.
Pops

The dinner was made, but something was wrong,
She tried to eat something, appetite, gone,
The view from the kitchen was a sky black and grey,
She got under the table to get out of the way.

Even moms home made cooking couldn't beckon her out,
For she knew fine and well, that a storm was about,
Such a crash, then a light filled the kitchen completely,
Then a hug from two arms,"Daddy please dont you leave me".

As her body was lifted to a warm loving place,
Daddy wiped away tears from her four year old face,
Then it seemed as though nothing could hurt her somehow,
Not the storm, not the flash, not the terrible howl.
As the storm grifted by, daddy hushed her to sleep,
Snuggles up with his baby,safe and warm for to keep.

Would it matter if you knew
I speak of you to everyone I see
Would your heart be softened
And your forgiveness known to me

Would you be proud of me
If you only knew
How I have learned to stand alone
And what a strong woman
I have come to be

You will always be my first love
And my number one
The one who I thought
Would never judge
No matter what I've done

Can you ever understand
That how much you care I see
But I couldn't grow myself
If you were always fixing me