I dip my toes in the tide
adjacent to the edge of my all-consuming paracosm.
The water is cold
alluring
unsteady
absolute.

Within it lies the demise
of one thousand dreams
999 unfulfilled wishes
And just over 13 ‘what if’s.

Right outside my humble fantasy
I spy a silhouette,
my potential self.

Warily I take a closer peek.
The girlish apparition reveals nothing
She seems to hold her breath while I lean farther in
And at long last, deserting all juvenile fancies,
reality greets me as I timidly wade
Into the waves.

When you look at me
I freeze
Caught in a moment unable to breathe
But then reality strikes like a punch in the stomach

When you look at me
You may be seeing
But the thoughts on your mind wander far beyond me

But still when you look at me
My heart pounds with hope
Hope that you might feel the same about me

But deep down I know
When you look at me
It's not with feeling
It's where your eyes have landed

But when you look at me
Can you not see
The feelings I express
In just one simple glance

The great thing
is not having
a mind. Feelings:
oh, I have those; they
govern me. I have
a lord in heaven
called the sun, and open
for him, showing him
the fire of my own heart, fire
like his presence.
What could such glory be
if not a heart? Oh my brothers and sisters,
were you like me once, long ago,
before you were human? Did you
permit yourselves
to open once, who would never
open again? Because in truth
I am speaking now
the way you do. I speak
because I am shattered.

Yet again you've stolen
Another night's rest
From my blurred eyes
And weary mind.
But what's one more night
Spent staring at a graveyard of stars
If it brings me closer to
You?
Closer to the one time in my life
I was truly
Happy.
I can rub the exhaustion
From the brown irises
You once called beautiful.
I can push through
The sheer desire
To do absolutely nothing
Long enough to make it
Through work.
And as soon as I get home
I can collapse on my bed
And stare at the wall
Or ceiling
For a few moments
Wishing it was
Your face instead
Before I close my eyes
And attempt to sleep.
But I know my body
And mind
Will suddenly be wired
With the alertness
And awakeness
Of loneliness
And longing.
Because I'm still too weak
To overcome you.