Julia Lane

Julia Lane Nov 2013

to die by your side, wouldnt that be such a heavenly way to die?
to take my last breath with the warmth of your lips on mine.
with your hand holding my face and your body hot on mine.
to feel myself drift away when youre holding me in your arms.
reality fades away in your eyes.
to die with your heart, stilling beating for mine.
to leave watching you, such a beautiful way to remember my life.
in an ugly world, ive done such ugly things.
now all i need is to watch it all fade to beauty
while i feel your hand on the back of my neck
and your deep blue eyes stare at mine with love, nothing else.
when im gone, dont mourn the time we couldnt spend.
treasure the moment we have.
though they are few, if i were to die
all time we have spent would feel like my life
like i was made who i am for you.
i want to leave this world with your breath in my ear
and your words guiding me the whole way.
if i were to die, dont watch me, talk to me.
tell me to wait for you. tell me youll always love me.
i love you so much, and to die by your side
is the only way i wouldnt be scared of the eternal light.

Julia Lane Nov 2013

bad juju

i dont wanna be that girl, nobody wants that pressure to be an idealization.
im me, me is julia. julia holds herself,
she doesnt let other people effect her thinking or acting or decision making processes.
so you shouldnt either.
dont act because you want someone to see you that way,
act because you like the way it makes you feel.
live for yourself, until you find your match.
then you live for your family, what you love, only
because you couldnt bare to see them hurt,
and you should care how they see you.
theyre whats matters most to you, you spend an hour getting ready
to see them.
take the time to think through
how they would feel hearing about
what your doing.
those who care dont matter, those who matter wont care.

Julia Lane Nov 2013

I'll never forget

fragment of my life have shaped my persona
moments like sitting in the rain with my sister till my destructive parents
stopped verbally abusing each other
or when my temper got so bad i actually hit my sister, my blood, my savior
never again will i lay hands on a person whose heart i occupy
moments like when my childhood turned to reality
and my heart was mutilated by the devil on my shoulder
or when post traumatic stress disorder nearly killed my young liver
with a liter of *****

times i spent, years i wasted
on people who never wanted to understand me
to see me, and to care the way i had
moments like when my mom said she wanted to **** herself
and her kissing my forehead as she left the next morning
or seeing my dad throw himself away
drown in a bottle of liquor for too long
the weeks i spent letting self sustained emotions make my face hot
and soak my pillow with tears
nights where the thunder shook my nerves and nightmares prevented my sleep
or nights when the night was too dark that
only the shine of blood my skin was concealing
made my heart calm and my skin numb and my mind blank
the blade was my savior, my sanity

i look back on these moment
knowing ill never forget them.
having spent years ******* up so horribly
and hurting not only myself but people i care about
and gathering my feelings
and learning painful lessons
to be able to say i finally know what i want with my time
and i know how i want to spend my days
and i'm starting to figure out how i work, who i am
and how to curtail my destructive feelings
and moderate my impulsive actions.

never neglect what you cant forget,
everything is thought for a reason.

Julia Lane Oct 2013

What is a god?

God is a spiritual being. A great big man who lives in the utopia of after-death. He visits those in need of convincing that the bad things happening will end. He receives prayers from dedicated Catholics and scared little girls. He is the beam of hope a cancer patent sees on his way out. God is the king of humans.

God is everything, but god is nothing. He's the song in the air and the fateful moment that could of killed you, but didn't. He's who you thank when you're son makes it through the car accident. He's what makes you realize you can do so much better in life and helps you define your personal morals. God is who you ask your favors of, when you're really just asking yourself to change. God is the myth that guides humanity.

God is no one thing. God is everything. He is the spirit of good in the cruel world. He's the mother that holds you when you cry and the imaginary slap on the wrist when you've done something very wrong. God is the savior from your old self, and the clothes pin that exists to hold you together. God is no being in heaven, he is the idea that good exists in all evil and the candle that proves in the darkest of times, light overcomes.

Julia Lane Oct 2013

problems

I get it, my problems aren't that bad.
Worse things happen to better people everyday.
I live in a costal, wealthy, yatch club town,
Officially an only child,
With my judgmental sister spending her freshman year in Manhattan.
I live with my favorite parent,
who doesn't care what fun I have
as long as I'm honest and safe,
and of course I get my schoolwork done,
and the other who drives me insane
is fortunately not in the same area code as me.

But it hurts
To be the listener for the people who created me
As they speak horrible things about each other,
Express their loathing for one another.

To be so broken
And not to know what do to about it..
Self abuse is in my rearview,
but I just hate talking about myself so much.
I've gotten really good at bottling up
And moving on
Just letting my bad thoughts and feelings
Dissolve into worthlessness.

But sometimes it ***** to be alone.

I just wish you were here to tell me I'm not
and that you love me.

Julia Lane Oct 2013

Half Broke Horse

I'm a half broke horse,
like the ones Jeanette Walls wrote about.
Half tamed: Half the trouble
But half of me's still spirited and independent,
Obdurate.
I do me, and I don't do rules.

I don't know what shaped me
Maybe the fact I had life
Come at me too early.
Dealing with endless hate
between my family,
Scars to deep on a 14 year old.

Or maybe it's because
every time I get myself into
some terrible ****,
it always turns out better than
expect.
Maybe cause I'm secretly
Lucky,
I secretly rebel, but always half good.
Always half attentive and abiding.

Julia Lane Sep 2013

Drunk

We get sloppy drunk, so what?
Uh, feel the vibe and ride the wave of intoxication
The smell of ***** inducing fluid surrounds you
Shots go fast enough to ignore the taste
But slow enough to need to treat the sting
Dump it down your throat
Feel the comfort of warmth in your stomach
Let time roll on
And forget what is feels like to be self conscious
As your words begin to slur
And your eyes roll uncontrollably
Your head feels light and your feet feel even lighter
And your words are coming to you by the truck load
So much so you feel you could write a book
And win the Nobel prize for it
Your feelings are blunt and no longer personal
And you can spew tears just because that song you just heard reminds you of the one that got away,
So it goes.
People who feel the same way interact with you
And soon it's like you were separated at birth
Destined to meet and bond over the fuzzy feeling in your gut
We get drunk
So we can party
And we party because
That's what we grew up intimidated by
And now, we control the music
We feel the freedom and
We understand what the hype was all about
A 10 year old once asked me why anyone would ever get drunk
It kills people she says
So I say we all get killed in the end
Might as well feel the intensity of what it's like to come close to the end
We gamble our lives because we're invincible,
And nobody likes to be mundane
We get drunk to find out how vulnerable we truly are
To escape the terrors of sober life
And to have a night to our own that we remember as a ****** banger
But actually don't remember a thing.