for him, he has my heart.
he stole it long ago, before I could even notice.
my teenage pulse throbbed with his every move,
and he knew it.
and he fed it, for years.
and all the while my pulse would throb,
but often with pain.
for years, he was the one.
never mine, but always the one.
but every time he broke my heart,
again and again,
until the very last time.
when he could no longer,
because he is no longer.

for you, you have my soul.
everything i am,
and everything i need is in you.
your heart has never shown me anything but warmth.
your hands have only ever held,
and not kept for possession,
or every strayed to catch me.
you showed me so much,
and i showed you too.
i like to think you loved me,
but this
is a sketch.
a beautiful picture
for me to keep
and treasure, forever.
nobody but us
will ever know how much its worth.
but its worth everything to me.
despite ever flaw,
and strain,
and painful breath it took to make it,
it's truly priceless.
and i thank you for that,
eternally.

Today is a hard day. Actually, the last few weeks have been hard. But today, today is one of the hardest yet. I think if I could tell you why maybe you would understand..

I woke up thinking about you again. I don’t mean like one of those “oh remember that one time” thoughts. I mean I woke up thinking about the way your eyes had a dark blue ring around your iris, kind of like mine. I thought about how I had never once seen you with a beard. I thought about how you used to shave your chest for reasons I still find funny. I remembered the way you would like your lips when you looked down and stroked your chin. I remembered you, every crease, scar and dimple I could possible remember.

You know, in the last year I’ve had exactly 2 dreams. I remember it seemingly like we had our chance, like we could try again and you could let me show you how much I love you.
But I woke up, and that dream was over 6 months ago.

Right now, all I can picture is what you could have done. I constantly think about all the things you could have been doing right now, and all the things I will never be able to tell you.

Everyday, you cross my mind. I used to get really sad over it. I used to cry and scream and I remember constantly begging you to tell me you could hear me. I didn’t want to accept I was screaming at nothing. I just didn't want to accept that there's some things I'll simply never know.

But here we are, 365 days later. I can say 3 things honestly. First, I miss you as much today as I have since the day you left. Second, I still don’t know, frankly I don’t think I ever will, if you ever cared about me in any way like I did you. Third, I will never, ever get over the love for you that consumes me everyday.

I hope you know that I mean that. I know you’ve heard it a thousand times a million different ways but I know, and I think you knew, that I cared for you in a way nobody else did. I still believe that you liked the intense care I showed you. Maybe I never admitted it, but you and me both knew I fell for you years ago, and never got back up.

The last thing I have to say to you is a memory. This is the same memory that comes to my mind everytime I think about your smile. 2013, a chilly spring night, salty mists, and your arms around me.

I remember laying in your bed, consumed by you, fascinated by every little fact you would share with me. We laid together, and we smoked. You showed me your music, and you sang for me. You told me about your father, sister and brother, music, school, your friends, swimming, bud, drinking, traveling, California, Boston, your past, your life and you.

I wish I spent everyday after memorizing that night. 6 years later I cling to every morsel of that night I can remember. Because I hope when I die I get to rejoin you to relive that night forever.

I remember the very first day.
It was Halloween night. I was 13 years old. You were 16. The moment you walked in, you captured my attention. For the rest of the night, I couldn't help but try and catch your glance out of the corner of my eye, trying not to stare, trying not to blush. I didn't even know your name yet.
I was 13, and I think that night was the first step I took towards loving you.
I remember the first time I came over to your house. I was 14. You were 17. It was midnight on a school night. You met me at the beach and we walked in the middle of the causeway back to your house. A huge wave came crashing against the wall and you ran out of the way, while I got soaked. You laughed and hugged me trying to keep me warm. When we got to your room, we talked for hours. We smoked. You told me about Mac Dre and the Bay and your life in California and you showed me a photo of your youngest siblings and you sung for me. I didn't leave until 5 AM.
Now, I'm 20. And the last time I spoke to you was February 24th, over ******* snapchat.
Today would have marked the first month into your 23rd year, but it doesn't. Instead, it marks the month you never made. It's been a week since you died, and I still don't know what to do.
I cant sleep. I cant eat unless someone is with me. I cant even think without my head shouting at me running in ******* circles faster than ******* light. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I think it's harder because I told myself for years I didn't love you, that whatever I felt was some infatuation, for years. But every single time you called me, I answered. Every single time you said "I wanna see you" I said when. For 6 years you were the one constant I had. I could always be sure that I had so many feelings for you. Always. Period.
And I want to make something clear. I would have done anything for you, if you let me. But instead you told me I was nothing to you, that you didn't care. Thats all you ever told me. And all I ever wanted was for you to just say you cared about me. Tell me I meant something to you that I wasn't someone to keep your bed warm.
Then, last month happens. I get a text. Didn't know the number. But, as soon as I got it, I knew it was you. This conversation was the only time I ever asked you "Did you ever care about me, at all?" and the only time you ever said "Of course I care about you."
The next day the line was disconnected. I don't know if it was actually you, part of me says it was and parts of me says its not.
But the hardest thing,
Is knowing the only time you ever said you cared about me,
Was over a text.
That wasn't even from you.

I hope to God it was from you.
I think more than anything, that will be the hardest part to come to terms with.
That you have always been a piece of my heart. That I have always cared about you. Unceasingly, without pause, without hesitation, consistently, for 6 years.
And I will never know if you ever cared at all.

You meant so much to me, I would have given anything to have a chance with you.

I just wish I told you when you were alive.

But I didn’t.
I think why is important, but maybe I’m just ****** up.
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And if thinking about thinking is a thing I’ve been doing too much of it.
I’m stuck right now. To explain what I mean it’s like everytime I try to fall asleep my mind forbids it. I’m given no peace even when I’m actively looking for it, and I hope it’s just not me. I hope I can fix this.
I don’t want to spend every night with my heart in my ears and my eyes shut but the voice in my head won’t stop going in directions I don’t have energy for.
I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried talking it into real life, making the voice in my head a conversation with someone. I’ve tried meditating, but honestly who am I kidding. I’ve tried counting sheep, telling myself to think about sleeping, to stop thinking, but nothing.
The only thing that really helps is driving. When I drive I can escape. When I’m not even comforted by my own bed the roads ease my mind. I think it’s because it gives me nothing to think about. I dont have to use my head for anything except driving. Sometimes I just drive down the coast and think about going as far as I can but then I remeber...
I have all this **** to deal with.
Responsible people have obligations to fulfill. I can’t just do whatever I want.
I don’t know what I can do anymore, and I think that’s why I almost cried. I feel like everything I worked to create has depleated into potentionalless burdens. Maybe I’m being ******* myself but lately I feel like I can do nothing good.
I’m lost in this state of mind that won’t let me go. I’m used to being strong and learning to deal with lifes messes but this is too much.
I don’t know what’ll fix me or this or whatever, but I think a cry might do me some good.

To be totally honest I forgot this website existed, until for some reason I started cleaning out my old email, last checked circa 2015.

Along the way, I forgot about these words that used to fill my head. I grew up, apparently. I was so caught up in being everything, I forgot that I'm me. No amount of resumes or friends or post on Instagram determines who I am, only I do. I forgot that I steer my fate.

I completely forgot about the unruly delight of letting words dissipate from my mind into thin air, and trapping them in my laptop screen. There's some unequivocal satisfaction in being able to take a foggy thought, and make it clear by wrapping it in pretty adjective and metaphors. For some reason, my shoulders relax in a way that's different, even special.
I never did this for you, this was always for me.. I forgot that I do this for me.

I forgot what it was like to pick words like the petals of a flower, delicately, because being delicate creatures makes our feelings just as frail and vulnerable.
I forgot to pick words delicately.
I realize now that my words are like bubbles, floating with ease through the air eventually making their point with a subtle 'pop'. My words have been more like lumps of hail, uncontrollably destructive to everything in their way. I forgot what it was like to choke up on emotions that I didn't know I had, that only this simple thing can reveal.

Most importantly, I forgot who I was. This young girl, lost and confused and trying her best to know herself. To be honest I still don't know myself. Sometimes I get mad at myself for that but then I remember, that this, this simple thing, saved me from consuming myself for years. Maybe it still can.

I realize now, that my undying anger can be tamed. That no, I am not some evil beast cursed to live in angsty distress. I am human, I will always struggle to live with my imperfections. I no longer need to try and teeter between the balance of good and evil inside me, because I'm human. I teeter regardless.

I had forgotten the eternal weight of words, how they create and destroy the world around me. That words are everything when you feel like you have nothing. That words can save lives, can save my life. That there can never be enough no matter how hard I try. That's not my fault. I realize now that life is not determined by my words but rather that my words should seek to give life, to enhance.
I forgot that there's no need to hate myself for being human, that if this life needs anything it's more love. I forgot that it's okay to slow down, to speak softly and to question everything. I forgot this for so long, but I think I'm starting to remember.

Sing it they said
Put your thoughts in melodies
And change emotions into rhythm
Say how he hurt you and took a piece of your heart when he left
Preach the heartbreak of girls around the world
And say it didnt **** me to all the victims of abuse
It made me who i am after all, and i dont even plan on killing him
A mad girls love song the poets will hum in their graves
Make sure the battered know theyre not alone
Although we havent lived the same, ive lived some.
Let my words help you, i want to help you.
I want to see you become something i am not
I want you to do great things and be a great person
So 20 years from now you'll look at your life and think of me
A life with beauty like a lotus
Living content in murky impure water
Accept.
Everything.
Theres no need to stress your mind with over exaggerated thought
Show them how your brain works instead
Show them emotions and thoughts can be domesticated
But dont show them feeling
Be the voice of reason at the bottom of the barrel
Act as though youre only scared of feeling scared
Be who youre supposed to be julia
Beautiful, young, logical and rational
Help anyone you can