Dear mom,
Thank you
for all those times when you have picked me up
when I fell, no matter how big of a fall it was...
from when I first learned how to walk,
to when I first failed a test(sorry)
you have always been there

I know that sometimes I push you away
sometimes I am frustrated, emotional, and want to be alone
sometimes we may disagree on some things...

But I hope that you know
that you will always hold a special place in my heart
that you mean the world to me
that I am sorry for taking you for granted
and most importantly,

I love you with all the love in my heart

Love,
Jia-Rong Tsao

The sand in the glass is finally empty
The timer has finally stopped running
Time with you finally ran out

The hope and happiness stop flowing
Emptiness and tears of sadness dripping down my face

Even though it's only been a couple hours
I miss you like you have been gone for years
Why can't my heart let you go
Cause your gone

It's only been a day and there is a hole in my heart
for where you once stood

I miss your smile
I miss your laugh
I miss the spark of life in your eyes
And now I'm empty
with nothing to look forward to
just a gray lifeless life
Without you...

It's not a sharp pain
But it's a strong pain
I am on the verge of going insane

Help me and come back
and stop my tears and give me that spark of life in your eyes
I want to make you smile and laugh like we did when we were children

But your gone and you won't come back again

My time has run out
I'm sorry that I did not use it wisely
Now I'm just sitting here without you
in a puddle of my own tears
falling into a hole of emptiness
feeling nothing and everything at the same time

Goodbye my friend...
my Icarus
I flew way too close
and burned me in the end
and all I can say now is...goodbye my friend
And I can't do anything...now that your gone

A blue moon in the sky
A blue tear running down my face
Blue shadows everywhere
As I think of you

The sun is shining
Why don't I see light?

I am not underwater
Why am I drowning?

I draw with silver
It comes out red

Darkness is my friend
When it used to be my enemy

The world is a colorful place,
But everything is grey

Be happy, be alive
How can I be? Happy? Alive?

When all I see is grey,
when all I see is darkness,
when I only draw with silver
and my arm cries red tears

How can I be happy? How can I be alive?
When all I do is drown,
in my tears at night

It is enchanting
How the moon one day
is not there

and the next moment
it is there...
a whole circle

an endless cycle
unlike your love
ever changing

just like you...
You are just like the moon
full of love, full of warmth one moment

then one moment
you disappeared

You keep visiting me in my dreams,
the only endless cycle left

A cabin in the woods
With a fireplace, the smell of wood in the air
Fresh baked bread in the kitchen
And a cat purring on the windowsill
There is a bubbling river flowing in the back

This is my happy place in my imagination
Where I am surrounded by greenery and life
Where time seems to slow and sunlight seems to shine a bit brighter
A place of safety, a place of happiness, a place of rest

As the storm of anger went away
You saw
what you have done

Broken pieces of our friendship
Scattered all around the floor

Pieces in our beloved places
to remind you
of what we were
of what we did
of how we felt
of how we trusted
Ghosts of the past in those places,
movie theaters, where we fell into a world
not our own
the forest, where we ran away together
from everyone else
the library full of books,
where we would read to each other

Broken pieces of our trust
can be mended
but it will never, be the same
just like a glass
you can glue it back together
but there will still be cracks

Though trust can be mended
our friendship cannot

it will forever be
b
    r
     o            
  k
e          
      n

Laughing till our stomach hurts
But we are still unsure
Though our time is short together
In less than two years we'll be writing letters instead

You are that special someone
I lose my breath when I look at you, girl
Especially when your eyes seem to fly when you put wings on them
Our moments together are sweet but go by in a whirl
Why are you so afraid?
If you love me why don't you just say?

Our love may be forbidden
Although it has to be hidden
It can still be our little secret
So just say, that you love me back
if you love me back

Those jokes you make are so insane
I promise, I meant it in a good way
Your art skills never leave me unamazed

You have picked me up from my darkest times
You brought me back into the light
You have shown be the way
to be brave
and to put myself out there
without a care

I love you so much but I'm scared that if I say
That I love you our friendship might break
So please, tell me that you love me girl

And though people say that you are quite crazy
an odd one with her head stuck in daisies
to me you are that one special one

You picked up your suitcases
Left without looking back
You didn't even say one last word to me

You are finally set free
to a place where you belong
to a place where you will call your true home
You are finally free
from all the misery
from the place you hated

Well since your gone,

I won't let you drag me down anymore
I won't shed anymore tears on you
I know that your not my source of happiness
I know our time is up
and it's time to say goodbye
and I'll be fine

I'll stop looking at our old messages
I will fight all these feelings I had for you
I will ignore the pain in my heart and lungs
I will move forward and never look back
Just like the way you left

You have done your part in my life
I have done my part in yours
Your happiness does not contain me
So I won't let my happiness contain you

Though it will be tough
and some days will be quite rough
I know I will make it through one day
Before long, I'll be used to you being away
Cause it's time to free myself too

I see people staring on the streets
As they confine me into either box
"boy" or "girl" those labels slapped on me
But truth to be told I am neither
I am non-binary
Agender, more specifically

And although some people can't know
I'm queer and it's beautiful

People often call me weird, odd, or peculiar
Heck, some people even call me disgusting
But...I prefer a different word, some word that holds more light
"Queer" as in different
A word that once was  a word of disgrace but now holds glory

Although people may say it's a sin
I just remind myself
That I am queer and I am me...and that is enough
I am enough and I am beautiful

A path of white lilies leads up to a small wooden building
The grass scented summer breeze welcomes guests through the open window
Hot spring smoke greets the white clouds in the clear blue sky
Fresh fruit and small cups of warm milk tea on the table
A gray tabby stretches its back and yawns on the window sill
Yang Ming Mountain beckons contentment within me, and puts all anxieties to sleep

Rule number one
Don't be too fat, no one will like you
But don't be too skinny because you will seem anorexic

Rule number two
Complete seven hours of homework in one night, and study for 2 tests
But also have a social life so that you will be cool amongst your peers
And also get enough sleep

Rule number three
you need to be there for that person
listening them ranting on about their problems
but do not expect them to care about yours

Rule number four
Have a close friend
Be loyal but do not come off as too clingy
or they will leave you

Rule number five
hold onto your virginity
or else you will be called
a ****, a *****, a player

but do have children in the future
or else you will be called a ******
and you will constantly have the question of why you don't want to be a mother
hanging over your head

These are the double standards that I live with
every day of my life
Seemingly so filled with impossibility
that I'm convinced that I am not good enough

I dwell by the well in the forest
And look into the crystal  clear water
While sunlight flit between the light green leaves
And white light clouds dance across the sky
I  watch the goldfish swimming near the stony bottom
I watch the small secret world of a hidden pond.
With my coffee colored eyes,
I gaze upon the small shiny fish
I wonder if the swimming fish with scales of gold
Dream of a bigger world
Where they can fly and sing like the songbirds
Or roam in the grass like the doe
Or are they happy in that hidden pond
in the well that dwells in the forest
Because that is all they know?

As scattered ideas come together
As emotions flood my soul
Mountains of papers on the floor
Mountains of words come to mind
But in the end, these mountains form a mountain chain
called a poem

I shatter the glass
Release the storm
I don’t want to hold it in anymore

I’m tired of faking my happiness
Tired of swallowing my pride
Tired of being abused, used

There is not another tear I can shed in secret
There is not another heartbreak that I grieve unseen
I shall release my darkness and let my demons scream
Before I succumb and become numb
Before I let my torturers get away
Even for just a moment, just a second
I shatter the world and paint it black and gray

You may play me, manipulate me, trick me
But in the state of it all, I still move forward

You may try to break me,
Using words that cut deeper than knives, or physically harm me
But in the state of it all,
I am still who I am, and I will not change

You may force me into a locked room
Restrict me from the place I long to go
But in the state of it all,
I will find a way to unlock the door
I will find the path to the place I long to go

Though pain may rain down
From the clouds of hardship and suffering
In the state of that storm,
I still move forward to find the right path as myself

Where is home? Where is the place that I belong?
Where is a place I can go to
When I need someone to rely on?
No one can handle my tameless spirit
No one can handle my burning passion
I am alone...
No one understands why I feel this way
I am alone...

I guess there is no place I can call home
I guess there is no place where I can unleash my tameless lion
Where I can let my fiery Phoenix fly
There is no place where I can truly be me
There is no place where I can truly be free
I guess there is no place where I can truly be at home

Even though I tell myself I'm over it
Even though I tell myself I'm happy
Even though I think of something else
It doesn't make the pain
hurt any less
Cause when the old song plays on the radio
Or when I am reminded that your gone
All the grief comes flooding back
and I die all over again

Time doesn't heal, doesn't make it any better
and trying to convince myself that everything's alright
won't make the pain hurt any less

In the hidden clearing in the woods
Lies a field of weeds with pops of color
Red from poppies, white from daisies, purple from foxgloves
They dance to the music of the wind

The yellow dandelions are the most abundant
Add pops of yellow to the rainbow
Yellow reminds me of my bright days as a child
Where I could be in the sunlight as long as I please
Overtime the yellow turns into white
And petals transform into small fluffy clouds
It takes me back to those moments
When we would make the white fairy parasols fly

Dandelions, although they may be a **** to some
They bring me back to when I was young
Although it may be a nuisance to some
Above all flowers, it is truly a special one

My heart is a butterfly
It flies long distance to look for the sweet nectar of love
It is delicate, like a butterfly’s wings
One strong gust of wind, one lightning storm, one hurricane or tornado
Is enough, to tear the butterfly wings of my heart to pieces
It tries to bring happiness wherever it flies
It tries to please everyone in places where it lands
It is vulnerable, yet so strong
The beaks of betrayal the webs of woe
Are everywhere in this world, waiting to trap it
But despite the fact that there are so many traps
You still see butterflies flying near the rainbow of flowers
and in lush green forests
My heart flies on constantly being trapped and avoiding traps,
It endures the strong gusts of wind, the storms, hurricanes and tornado
Though it is delicate and light
It always has the strength of its might.

Grief, is a terrible thing
that pains the soul
Everyone has felt it as some point in there lives

But not everyone's cry is heard
Those who keep a strong face
Eyes dry of tears
Mouth silent of wails
Those who truly care
But do not know how to handle such darkness
and the storm that is said to bash the little bird

They have been told to be strong all their lives
As they were beaten
As they were dodging from objects aimed at them

Crying will just make it worse
All you have to do is just shut your mouth
and not make a sound
and you will only get one bruise
instead of two

And now their at the funeral
where their grandma's coffin is
Now their dad is beating them
to make them shed a tear

But after all they've been through
After building up the walls
And making all those masks
of being a perfect, straight, cis,
positive, sunshine girl
that their parents expect them to be
how could they destroy all their hard work?
Their art work of masks?
Of their walls?
Of all those shields they made?

They only cry when it is dark
and the whole world is silent
That is the only time that the gates are unlocked
And all they ask...is a crumb-of understanding

I have seen many stars in my life
some have a special bright light
but **** others brightness with their knife

I have thought them as the perfect star
but I was fooled and my soul was marred

Their brightness was so bright
that it blinded my sight
Blinded it so much I did not see the coming plight

Now I am wiser I know better
to be someone who chases after looks
and forgets that they only know how to be a player
Not warming other people with their light
only to draw them in and **** them with their poisonous bite

Beware of those stars who know nothing but to take
Beware of those stars whose brightness is fake

Beware of the stars who do not love
Who only know to steal the fire of innocent doves

Beware of those stars
for they will deceive you
I beg and hope that you do not to fall in this trap too

The future
Is a long winding path in a dark forest
The leaves on the trees are so thick
That the moon and the stars can’t be seen
There is no way of telling which way is north, south, east or west
You just follow the path and try to find the light
You hear mysterious sounds in the night
Never knowing if it is made by a friend or a foe

The future
Is full of unknown
Like a dark murky lake, or a black abyss
The direction is always uncertain
There is nothing you can do,
But continue to walk along the path
Until you find the place of rest

I am a caterpillar
In a cocoon
Sheltered, safe from the cold cruel world
Smothered by the covering
Wings crushed by the walls
I yearn to see what the world has to offer

People say the world is cold and cruel
Society will bash your paper thin wings until you break
But I would rather be out in the danger
Than be stagnant in these towering walls

All my life
I have felt out of place
Like a wild hawk trapped in a locked room
In a chained cage that is labeled "songbird"

The cage is my body, trapping me in
That label is the pronouns, the labels they slap on me
The locks on the door and the chain on the cage are the expectations
The expectations to fit into a box, even though I would never fit
Though my bones may break and my flesh may tear,
I would never belong in that box

I remember...
The excitement and nerves in the air
As the stage lights come on and we prepare
The sparkle of our pants shines when we are met with cheers
While we welcome 2020 the new year
Our dragon and lions dance to the drums
Our cymbals and gongs beckon people to come
We lift each other up to the stars
Just like the family that we are

I remember…  
Hearing children’s laughter
And getting ice cream after
Goofing off with friends backstage
Oblivious of the fact that this was our last page

Who knew that we had taken our final bow?
There are only pictures and videos of us now.
If I had known that this is the last time the spotlights die
I would have said a heartfelt goodbye
But all that’s left is the bittersweet taste
Of the memories left on our stage

I've never had someone who wanted me around
Past close friends were left to drown
The closest ones brought me to the ground
How much more can I take?

I either dive too deep or the friendship's shallow
My life's too sheltered, been living in a bubble
I feel so ******* replaceable
When will someone choose me?

I just wanna be someone's first choice
But more than anything I wanna be ok
I don't wanna feel like a waste of space
Where is my person?

I don't wanna be played
I don't want anyone else to go away
But I can't force anyone to stay

Seeing my importance fade
As they find someone else to play with
I feel like dying and decaying
How long do I have to spend chasing
Over hearts that will never choose me
When will someone choose me?

How much can I take?
I just wanna be someone's first choice
But more than anything I wanna be ok
Too many friendships left to waste
I don't wanna suffer another heartbreak

Hell on earth, the fire burns
People turn against one another
Fear instills in every body
Time seems to stop, the alarm ringing
The hourglass sand has stopped falling
Everyone says their last words,
As the world, turns to dust

I used to be a full moon
So full of life
So bright

But now its full of darkness
As I settle into a new life

As I leave the familiar, safe space
A place that I know
A place that I love

I feel the darkness of unfamiliarity come
as I enter
this new cycle of life
this new phase

I hope I can find my light
and my fullness again

As I am getting ready
for the day you leave

I put my pen on paper
words flowing out of the pen
letters, sentences, paragraphs

the precious words with a piece of my soul
the words that you will never know
how much worth they hold

to you, they may just seem as though
they are empty sentences
even if I poured my heart out
they will mean nothing to you

Cutting ties, losing trust
Repair the damage, do what I must
Rule my kingdom, focus on me
Try to find little things that make me happy

Don't let anyone else in
Or you will be broken again
Become cold, build my wall of stone

I'm just here sitting on my throne
And dancing all alone
Conquer the difficult lands
And turn my enemies' bones to sand
Turn pain into power
Work Tirelessly every hour
The gain pretty much stops the pain...

But I don't wanna admit it
I only stay happy for a bit
It's hard ruling a kingdom on your own
Because it gets quite lonely on this throne

A girl walked into my life
She asked me out, treated me like I was worth it
She gave me a sign that she loved me, made it seem like we were more than friends
You even called me your love...
I guess I forgot the walls around my heart were there
I was so sure this time was it
So I took my shot hoping this was it
But I missed, and I realized that this time was no different
She was experimenting what would happen
If she acted this way towards me
Played my heart like a song of betrayal
Broke my heart to pieces, like the dots on a dice
Why did I break my walls down?
How did I not know that you were just a liar
Who thinks it’s fun to make me a pawn in your game

My body, is where my soul dwells
It feels pain, it feels joy, it feels excitement, It feels sorrow
My bones are my foundation, my flesh made from stardust
My body is the friend with undying loyalty that will be there till I die

My curves, my acnes, my chubby cheeks
These are my insecurities
These are the imperfections of my friend, my home
The mirror, the camera, the eyes of others turn my friend into a foe
I push my friend away, I hate it’s ugliness, I hate that it’s not perfect

No matter if my body is a friend or a foe, it is always with me
Until I fly to the stars

12 AM a time of quiet
No one stirs, no one speaks
The first hour of the day,
Today becomes tomorrow
And no one’s aware

12 AM some people sleep
But some people are restless,
Unable to sleep

Some are chained to the tears of heartbreak
Or held hostage by the demons in their head
Try and try as they might, they will be prisoners of darkness and sorrow
In the night

Some are too excited to sleep
A moment of pleasure,
A moment to remember
It comes closer as each hour passes
As the day of the event finally comes

12 AM, the hour of rest, sorrow and excitement
The first hour of the day,
The hour of emotions or the hour of sleep

Being called “ladies” in the hallways
Getting that feeling of being misplaced
People seeing you not for who you really are,
But who they think you are

Why are those actions
Those clothes, shoes and colors
Put into a box that’s associated with gender?
Why am I put in a box because of my clothes, actions, and expression?

Cause dresses are just pieces of cloth
Makeup is just colored powder that you put on your face
And heels are just shoes that make you feel tall

Why does femininity have to be associated
With being a lady or a girl or females?
Can’t femininity just be available to all?

Different faces, different places
Different stages, different people chased
But it always ends the same old way
Broken glass and broken hearts
Something taken, Something lost
Never to return, forever gone

I build up walls conceal how I feel
Protect my heart with plates of steel
I swear an oath never to succumb to love
To surround myself with ice, to not trust the dove
So that my bleeding heart may heal after what they have done
What they have taken, what they have stole
What they have forsaken, the hurt that they bestowed upon my soul

My warm heart is now a heart of stone
My open doors are now closed
My living blood runs cold in my veins
For I am too tired to play more games

As you sailed away
in the big blue sea
I sat by the river
and cried

My tears,
sadness from
the fact that you are gone

pieces of my soul
became part of the river
and I hope that they travel to you
so that you may know

how willing I am to save you from the rough waters
when the river of life meets the storm

or how happy I am, when your river of life
travels to a safe haven of trees
gently flowing, everything going smoothly
sunshine shining through the leaves
...when the river of life has reached a golden time

I send my soul out to the sea
so you may know
how much I loved you
of all the wishes I have for you
but most of all...my plea
for you can come back home,
to me

Though we live on the same earth
It seems as though our worlds have drifted apart
You are on mars and I am on Saturn
We are so close, yet so far apart
I am the earth, and you are the moon
Orbiting slowly around me
But never getting closer
Pulling on me with your gravity,
But I am not the one that makes you shine
Someone else illuminates you, you belong to someone else
The sun…

The sun’s warm rays
Remind me of my days in the sun
The days of no responsibility
When innocence was still alive...
The snow white clouds remind me of the
Pure, innocent dreams of a kid…
The trees, remind me of those games of hide and seek
Those days where we could laugh and joke
Without a care in the world
The bird’s song reminds me of the times when
The only song I listened to, was the song of the present
The song was loud, clear, and uninterrupted
By the darkness inside my head

Sometimes, when I yearn for the past
I go back to nature because…
Unlike objects or people,
Nature never changes
The white clouds will always be in the sky
The sun will always shine during the day
The trees will always stand tall
And the birds will always sing…
Until the day I die

The color of passion
The color of the spark in each of our hearts
As we love, as we fight, as we live
It is the color of that drive in us
To persevere against all odds
The drive to make sure that
Our voices are heard
Red
The color of anger and pain
The color of the blood spilt after each fight
The hearts broken
The demons released
From the cages of our minds
Red, the emotion that we cannot control

Red
Is a double-edged sword
It is love
It is that drive that makes life worth living
It is the excitement, the spark
But it is also the color
That hurts us the most

I want to go out into the world
And see people walk along the streets
I want to go window shopping, or the bakery to get some bread

I want to laugh with my friends, but not through a screen
I want to hug them as we go through the hallways of school

But all I can do is stay in my neighborhood
Crossing the street each time a person comes
Endure my family’s endless critiques
And them loudly talking as I try to concentrate
On my online classes and quizzes that I failed

I can only live in this bubble right now
It seems like the world is ending
I cannot keep pretending
That my friends are here with me
I cannot keep making conversations in my head
I cannot stop myself from slipping into the abyss
Of darkness and depression and uncontrollable emotions

The smell of Christmas
The smell of fall
The spicy sweet scent that causes you to remember it all
Her warm embrace her light touch
In the red leaves with giant sweaters
Flannels and the air getting colder
Fall...
Cinnamon, it warms you up
It brings you back to the greatest time of the year
It brings you back to your childhood as you celebrate Christmas cheer
It brings you back to the log cabins, the warmth of the fireplace, the hot beverages after a trek in the snow
Winter...

Cinnamon, cinnamon,
It is a timeless scent that is known anywhere
For when the air turns cold and red leaves and snowflakes fall
Cinnamon would be there for it all

You only feel the waves tsunami that I have summoned
You only feel the winds of my hurricane that's threatening to blow you away
You only hear the daggers upon my tongue
You only see the red gleam of my eyes filled with rage...

But in the eye of my storm
My inner child is screaming
Save me
I feel like I'm drowning
I feel the darkness filling up inside my lungs
As I attempt to fix the bleeding that has begun
The eyes of the world sees someone who's not perfect
They only see my walls, my flaws, and everything that's wrong

I just want someone to love me
Want someone who won't leave
Want someone to shield me from the war inside my mind
I just want things to feel alright

I swear I don't want to hurt anyone
But things feel lonely when you are the only one
Who understands you, who sees the invisible scars you bear alone
When you can't cry tears in your own home
Clouds collide and take control
But I swear I mean no harm,
I just need someone who unconditionally loves

He is just
a friend
But he is a brother to me

-Few months later-

I am falling for him
I am in love with him
His eyes, the light that is in him...a light that no else has
His laugh, the best music in the world...a laugh that no one else has
His smile,
lights up the world better than the sun and stars...a smile that no one else has
His hair, so black...like midnight...dark and mysterious, but so soft and shiny
His hands, so gentle and caring...hands that no one else has
round, short nails, short fingers
His arms, so full of strength, yet can be so tender...arms that I can be in for days...arms that no one else has
His voice, so strong but yet so gentle
Like the sea, lulling you to sleep or igniting the spark of passion in you...a voice like no other
His heart,
so golden and valuable

A heart, like no one else's...

The way he sees the world, like no one else...

The way he makes me feel, like no one else...

He is like no one else...

I want no one else...but him

To my love:

I hope that you will always stay like this
so bright
so full of life,

always using the great ability
to light up people's darkest nights

I hope that
when you enter a phase of unfamiliarity,
a time of darkness

a time of tears and loneliness

you remember
I am amongst the stars
I will try to light your path
and to provide comfort with my light

remember,
life is not always full and bright
life is not fair and it is not always good,
like you are...
life will be evil
it will drag you into darkness

but I know that...
if you are strong enough to pull the tides
you are strong enough to make it through those dark times
because

your fullness and your brightness will come back
and your lightness and your capability to shine
your fullest potential
will return

Red plastic solo cups littered on the floor
Confetti spilled on the table, glitter everywhere
Unfinished food, unwashed dishes
When all the people leave

A few hours ago we were young again
We danced and sing without a care
But when the party’s over the real world crashes down
There is no one to stop me
From drowning in the sea
I’m sinking down further into darkness
The disco lights seem cold, the balloons don’t fly as high
The music seems to loud to bear
When the party's over, it seems no one is there

Although you may be in an inclement storm
The thunder shaking you
It’s gusts threatening to knock you down
Do not forget that after each storm
Comes a rainbow

Although you may be in an April Shower, or even an April storm
Remember that, even the sky smiles with sunlight after it sheds its tears
And the earth smiles with it, bringing greenery and life,
dotting the dirt with colorful flowers

Because in the end, April Showers bring May flowers
Things will get better and darkness is not forever

Sometimes, the storm inside your head
Is so loud
That you can’t hear yourself think

It amplifies the noises around you
The world seems to scream
The whisper of your thoughts
Could never overpower the world’s chaos

We were so innocent, so pure, our eyes shine like stars
Looking in the mirror, our eyes shine like stars

We loved what we saw from the bottom of our feet to the top
We sparkled with much pride and had hearts that shine like stars

But we heard what we should look like, we saw models
With sparkling gems and gowns that shine like stars

We look at the judgements of others, then at ourselves
With a cruel gleaming glare that shine like stars

But love, you don't need to fit in a box of beauty to be worthy
You have come so far, look at yourself, rekindle that pride, you shine like stars