Silence is the biggest noise
Light pastel colors on the walls
Notebooks scattered on the floor
As I procrastinate my *** off

Writing poetry instead of my essay
Thinking bout love
when I should be thinkin bout tests
Seeing my bed and wanting to sleep
But I’ just sitting here on my laptop
Complaining bout a student’s misery

It’s time to take this broom
And sweep away the sorrows of winter
The heartbreak of last year
The betrayal of fall

Because...I am a flower ready to bloom
I need room to grow
I do not have space
For all these glass shards
But most of all…
I do not have space
To be a pawn in someone else’s game

Anxiety….
You try and stop it, the voices in your head,
the impending feeling of dread...
the ticking of the clock, waiting for danger that will never come.
It is like one of those movie scenes,
where you are in a glass tank submerged in water.
The glass is cracked and there is water spilling in.

You try and stop it, you try not to drown, you try to do anything...to keep that water from flooding in... but you fail.
The dread comes rushing in, it takes over your body and you lose control.

You try not to drown, you try to calm down as the waves assail you. Your lungs feel as though they are about to combust,
your ribs feel as though there is a net made of fear tangled around them, strangling them.
Your heart sings the battle cry of a thousand drums as your body prepares to fight an enemy made up of twisted illusions.

Your eyes flood with uncontrollable, blinding tears….your breath quickens as you seemingly run out of air….You tell yourself, calm down….breathe….count your breaths, you're safe. Nothing stops that urge to panic though...it seems as though nothing can stop it.

Anxiety...

a seemingly infinite roller coaster that you can never get off of
and when you finally do, it has ****** every drop of energy from your body.

You don’t eat, because you will throw it all up….
you don’t sleep, because the voices in your head are deafening.
You wonder when you will feel safe.
For as long as these fears knock upon your door when you are alone or when you are with others, there is no way that you are safe...

Anxiety...
people say it is normal,
that it is necessary for survival.
But how am I supposed to trust those illogical fears that tear my relationships apart?
How am I supposed to trust the very thing that drowns me...
the thing that I battle with almost everyday?

This is a love poem
To a person who doesn’t know me
They could be a he or a she
or someone who’s non-binary

All I want to do is hold you in my arms
To be safe and sound on a stormy night
All I want is to laugh and talk with you
Or go on adventures then watch the sunset
Is this really too much to ask?

To whom will I give this poem to?
Who will love me and not hurt me
Will there be someone who will love me and not hurt me?

I want a love that’s like a rose without thorns
Rain without thunder and lightening
I want a love that will not hurt me
Is this really too much to ask?

Strangers
They see a quiet young teenager
Short black hair that the wind messes up
Brown, shy eyes that refused to make eye contact
A seemingly, insecure teen

Through the eyes of friends
They see a loud chaotic ball of energy
Filled with passion, but filled with pessimism
An emotional mess
But will always be there for you

Family
They see the worst side of me
They see my storms, my frustrations, my tears
They are so close but they could never be more far away
They will never know this maze

The old places of laughter
Are now full of sorrow and yearning
As I remember all the days we spent together
Without you here

The treasures that have your fingerprints on them
Are now meaningless objects, stored away in boxes
Shut away in cupboards
Forgotten
Just like the way you have forgotten me

The songs we used to sing on the top of our lungs
The ones we used to dance to
Are now the songs I play at 3 am
When I yearn to be snuggled in your embrace

The old photos in the album with us laughing,
Moments frozen in time,
Moments where I can’t go back
A reminder that you are gone

I may find closer friends
But they will never match your wit
They will never have your laugh

I may find someone else to love
But they will never make me feel the way you made me feel
The butterflies would not be as colorful

I may choose another sibling
But they will never be as good of a compass that you were

The world may move on, I may walk forward
Time marches on, the earth still spins
But there will always be an empty space in my heart
Where you once dwelt

I have fought many battles, cried many tears
Surrendered and created new fears
I have fell, stumbled, and crawled
I have felt pain

But here is a new opportunity,
A new start to heal
A new sunrise
To follow so that I not only run, I fly

So farewell to those who drag me down
Farewell to those who inflict pain
I am going to a place
Where I won’t drown
In your toxic oceans

I will soar and fly although I may fall
And I won’t stop this fight, till I win it all

They shun me, they fear me,
They force me to be something I’m not
They force  me to be sunlight,
to dance with pure white clouds and the blue sky
Even though I dance with the moon and stars
I am darkness

Only the moon knows my pains and my secrets
Only the stars wink back with encouragement
in my sorrow laments

They say that I should be bright and happy
But to darkness I shall forever succumb
To darkness I shall find peace
With the dark of the night, I shall be
And with the winking stars and pale white moon
I shall dance

I turn to a new clean page
To start a new chapter in my life
To forget the past, to start anew
To paint a picture that is not filled with tears, pain or suffering
A picture where I don't cry at night, rather I sleep soundly
A picture where I see my body as a home, rather than filled with cracks and flaws
A picture of the images of my imaginations, filled with sparks of life and magic

But that page still has stains
From the broken parts of me...from the past
Rain stains, that fell from my eyes with gray and dark blue ink
from the times I was on the verge of falling off that cliff of stability,
on the verge of losing it all and giving up
Blood stains,
from the times when I drew a straight red line with a silver pen
and see the red paint dripping down on my arms
Those battles, some almost ending in defeat
But most of all,
I see the aftermath of a storm
Stains of debris of trauma, fear, and heartbreak
From the times where I have learned that
When you fall, no one can catch you
Not even your friends....who you thought you could trust
Who you thought will never leave you, but lied

Although I turn to a new page
To a white, pure smooth piece of paper
There will always be the stains
of all my pain
that will never go away

When you were here
So many sparks flew in the air
Just like butterflies with fiery wings

Back then
Christmas had it's joys and it...actually felt like Christmas
The performances we did together
were thrilling

My emotions were a mess but it's now a complete enigma
Now that your gone
I'm searching and scanning for any sign
of love in each and everyone I meet's eye
My heart is so lost without you

Christmas just feels like an ordinary day
Christmas season is non-existent, cause your not in it
The performances are nerve racking
And some days I just want to quit and give it up forever

The things I used to enjoy
don't have the same spark
Those butterflies with fiery wings
are dead and long gone
Those songs we used to sing together
are now void of sparks and butterflies
The butterflies with wings of flame are long dead and gone