I know you’re the one
I’m not always happy about it
But I know it’s true
There is no one but you
To make me feel this way
Or stand beside me
when everything turns to blood
I know you’re the one
Because when I die
I want my bones wrapped up besides you
we can lay together for eternity
All others
Disappearing and decaying
Till only the souls are left
Intertwined forever
I know you’re the one
You hold me and kiss me in ways
No one could ever hope
To compete with
All at once
I am safe and so complete-
Lost in your eyes of ocean waves and the deep sea at night

I know you’re the one

There’s no great metaphor or language for it
There is only
the deep understanding
The secret tongue
written on my innermost body
All of it
Screaming out
Crying out
Laughing and weeping
Hysterical
Over keeping you

I know you’re the one
Even when I don’t want you to be

Especially
When I don’t want you to be.

a window left open
a soul feeling light
my heart-
expanding again
light-
cleansing me

you wash all in color
and
i cannot imagine
wanting
any other

there is only you.
for me.

there once was a boy....
No.

there once was a girl

She
fell in love
With Her

nothing is as powerful
as a person
who has nothing left to lose

They like it when I write them poems
In between mess and anxiety
My writing is a blossom of light
They say it’s always pretty
Even though it’s often not
I like to offer up hope
To their throbbing heart
So I write these words
In hope to make their pain stop
They like it when I bring rocks
A sign I care about them
even when I’m gone
They always smile upon holding the pebbles-
preciously and carefully collected to my care
I smile because I know
How wrong their impressions of me truly are
Yet, I desire their love more than
Anything
So I let them think I’m good
When I’m absolutely not

I love them through their mess
And I hope to God
They’ll stay through mine

i kinda want to kiss you
your soft skin and amber eyes...
you call to me

i kinda want to hold you
and tell you sweet things
(also not-so-innocent things)

i kinda want to make love to you-
or just hold your hand
i just miss you

I don't think I'd notice
the pain in my chest
even if
there was a hole through my breast

a knife
or a bullet
stuck in my side
would be easier still to hide

ignoring my anxiety
building in my head.
a fountain.
water.
drowning............................

no
not.
no­.
ok.
i guess-
here we go again.

quickplugtheholes        donthavetimetoskipaline       bottlethatshitup
get
me
out

no
no

stopped
the leaks in the side of my brain are plugged

I'm Okay.....

till i drop from blood loss. or explode. the rising waters in my head. pounding against my temples. then. i guess. i'll have to confront that ***** who stares me back in the mirror.

Warm thoughts
Like waves of strawberry wind
Like windows rolled down in the summer
And slow dancing in twilight fields
Midnight thoughts
About her laying on my chest
About her laughter which makes me smile
and her heavenly scent swirling in the air about me
Crying thoughts
Because she doesn’t know how priceless she is
Because she can’t seem to see that she deserves
Everything
And hoping with all my heart
I can give her an embrace that but imitates that elusive safety she is missing
Smiling thoughts
The feeling of her mouth against mine still lingers...
My windows down
My music screaming
Driving away-
But knowing
I’ll see her another day

It hasn’t become easier
My head is still full of sad thoughts
My heart is still heavy
I still cry when I’m alone
I am alone often

Unlike him
He is with everyone and anyone he can get his hands on
I don’t know the ****** context
I just mean
Company
He is never alone
So he is never sad

I am always alone
Even when I’m with others
I am empty
An empty shell
Drained of everything
By his hands
A hollow creature cannot house anyone or anything
Only loneliness

So though I have kept busy,
It’s been barely,
And certainly
Not enough
To drown out the sound of self hatred and remorse
...
Sadness is the only friend that seems to be able to fill my hollow husk
Perhaps that is because it is empty as well

darkness is simply emptiness
why is everyone afraid of what they do not know?

Crystals and sharp edges
Pencil lead and arson
Steel and death
Why are these things all tied together in my head?
Because association
And experience
Have played a game on my brain
And turned the wires all askew
Ribbons and assault rifles
The color orange and pill bottles
...
So many more

To fall for something lovely
is a dream come true
To fall for something deadly
Is to be a fool

In love we fall forever
Whether we chose
Or we are pushed

In motion
The heart remains
Towards the ground,
it’s path ordained  

Who will be there to catch you,
Before you hit the floor
And break every bone in your body,
Becoming ravaged rubble once more

Closeness without connection is an
Absolute
*******
Train wreck
i have never been so uncomfortable with him
As I am now
I can see in his body language
The way he is present in his body
But not with his mind
I long to bring him back to me

Manic
Depressive
Dead Or Alive
i will do my stupid ****
And bleed to death on the roadside
Or die of an overdose
Or maybe
I’ll finish nine things in one day
Wouldn’t that be great.
Manic
Depressive
Dead Or Alive

If you’ve ever wondered:
The mind of a suicidal teen is not always
Empty.
Sometimes
It is so full andicantchangeanythingsoitryto
Release
But the release is usually red and ****** and messy and painful
I was told not to keep using this
‘Coping mechanism’
But it works
And it has worked for years

Why should I stop associating with the only friend who has ever looked death in the face
Glaring eyes of ******* steel
Reality on its edge
It brings me back
And it has yet to be beat by the violent voices

That’s more than I can say for the rest of the ‘coping mechanisms’ I have

Self harm.
That’s my friend’s name.
She has stood by me.
reminding me again and again-
YOU ARE ALIVE
FIGHT TILL YOU ******* DROP

I have always liked my eyes
Why now
Are they so hollow
They used to be a brilliant blue
Now they are equally red
And the veins Seem to be
on
The
Edge
Of bursting
the purple under my eyes...
You could not compete
no leftover bruise or dying man
Has the purple and red eyes
Of a suicidal individual

I fall for-
Dark haired angels with heads full of demons
Women-
That stab daggers in my chest to watch me bleed out
People-
With eyes as blue as the abyss of tears behind them
Anyone-
Who compliments the way I look when I smile
and will dance in the pouring rain with me
I fall for-
Those who see my body and want to beautifully ravage it
But see my mind and stand in awe

These are the people I desire

she's gonna have me falling
i swear she is
she looked at me once

now i want to kiss her lips

why
AM I LIKE THIS

**** love,
i kinda just want to stare into the abyss
...
(till she kisses me anyway)

You have made my whole life complicated
And still
Everything is always more bright with you
I feel real
When I can kiss your cheek
Your hands
Wipe away the stress from my head
I want to pour all the love I have
Into a vase
And give it to you
You are more entangled in me
Than any other boy could ever be
I still love you
Even when there’s no chance
of you even wanting me

The other thing
The other thing people should know Is that
I am not emotional -
Emotionally available
Emotionally stable
Emotionally aware-
Emotional.
****.
I’m ******* emotional again.
All the time
And I can turn it off
But it comes back
And that Is the other thing
You see
The other thing
Led me to the psychiatric ward of an LA hospital

Maybe it’s the losing people that makes them more lovable
Maybe it’s the edge
Rather than the dependability

I’ve always hated that-
I usually end up pushed over the edge when I stand too close

Lovers always say they just want a taste
They want the wind on their face
And they want to see the thrill on mine when I close my eyes and lean out across the vast nothingness

But then they push you
Instead of grabbing you
And then I am falling
All over again

I can’t be 19.
It’s just not possible
I can’t be
Nineteen-
What the ****?
How did I get here?
Where the **** are all the days go
Where the ****.
Who said
Who decided-
It was me that was to take the ******* family curse
It’s been passed down through all our white ****** medieval ancestors
Mental illness
Physical pains
All in the head
All in the body
All in the Spirit
I am all but my veins and I am all but
The controller
I feel
Helpless.

I can't be nineteen...
There’s no ******* way
It’s 10:34pm
There’s no ******* way
I’m going to
Watch
Seconds
Dis a pear
Until
No thing
I S
l e f t

I’m ******* 19.
In two hours.
Two Hours
nineteen....

i can’t turn nineteen
i just don’t believe i’ll make it...

ive never ******* been eighteen
or if i was i don’t remember...

How the **** am I supposed to survive another ******* year.

is that an angel i see?
you- coming back for me

i just...
i honestly can't believe it

I miss him
I’ve taken to imagining him beside me when I get lonely or really anxious
I don’t talk out loud or anything
But it usually makes me feel better
Or I cry
One or the other

I feel so pathetic right now.
That could just be the drinking.

Someone tell me how to stop being afraid
Did u know
Stonewall
Was a riot
But rioting still happens
50 years later
The violence will never stop
And neither will the fear
Still fighting ignorance
50 years later
Someone tell my black friends how to stop being afraid
Did you know
Wars
Were fought for freedom
centuries ago
But we are.
Still.
fighting racism and bigotry.
Centuries later
The violence will never stop
And neither will the fear
Still battling inequality
Centuries later

why.
Are we still all afraid of each other?

It seems to switch
I feel so happy
Then I can’t breathe
My head’s all cloudy
Covered in stars and thorns
I walk above the earth
Then down into the pit
My brain is full of melodies
Singing songs of death
Arbitrary love story
With a sickness at the end
Turning all else sour
In the light of its decay  
Even the memories
Seem to fade away
Leaving only-
The swinging set of my emotions
Covering me in crimson
And destroying the stability
I had established

After many months of normal
I am back to being desperate

Medications to help me sleep
Medication to help me breathe
Medication to help me be-
Just a little less
Empty

Why am I still so empty

she takes a deep breath
her soul is on fire

she coughs up smoke
her lungs are burning
she sips on the water
but it just scalds her throat

she takes a deep breath
it won't be long.
her soul is on fire
her head's all wrong

there are noises in her head
there's a pounding in her skull
everything's blurry-
soon she'll be dead

she takes a deep breath,
her very last one
her soul was on fire
...

and now
it is done

I’m 19
And I’ve caused more pain
In my short time
Then most middle aged adults
What I’ve done is irreversible
And therefore
Unforgivable
Unfixable
I deserve to die

The pain I’ve caused
Calls for my blood
The people I’ve destroyed
Call out for my end

As do I -
So blood was spilt
Now I will pay it all back

you call yourself awkward-
your girly laugh and silly jokes
hands cold and lower lip trembling,
your nervous flinching and stiffened frame
spaced-out blue eyes and pupils widening
the way you can't,
stand to be touched
but also,
want it so much
don't call me cliche but,
i call it cute-
your muffled giggling with head in your hands
your sparkling eyes and face lit up-
the crinkled corners of your eyes
and the smiles you try to hide
surprise makes you stumble and
your jaw drop to the floor
and for me...
there's nothing i love more

Please don’t hate me
and please don’t just love my body

Either would be
Fine
On any other day

But I’m catching feeling
For you my love

The world stood still when I loved you

But Today
I’m reminded that’s an unnatural and unsustainable state

and in that moment
that passing second of truth-
before the mask of lies and smiles...

she felt her emptiness

I’ve given up
All those pretty packaged dreams
A future
A lover
Hope
All are lost to my dissipated and medicated desire

All I want now
Is to be high
Higher than I’ve been before
Dancing alone
At 3am
On a Tuesday night
No party in sight
Only lights on
are in my head
And the blinding white
of my phone screen and anime

Lonely highs
Are truly a new low

I was doing okay
Then I did the stupid thing
I went to talk to you again

What a waste of care
And love
And time
And effort

Now I’m not okay
And I don’t know if I will be
I’ve never been this anxious before in my entire life

Kisses at sunset
Your mouth is the only one I remember
The only one that mattered
Your body is the last I pulled closer to my own
I don’t remember the past eight months
I wonder if it’s because I was apart from you
Kisses at sunrise
And everyday after
I imagine it with a shadow figure now
It’s not you
Anymore.

I don’t like crying
Yet. (There’s
                Water
          Falling from
                     My eyes)
I don’t like tears
Yet (they
drip
down
my
Face).

I can’t help but think
Why won’t you care
About anyone but yourself
You have all the options in the world
So why can’t you see it?

I don’t know if I’m real
I think I could drive away and no one would give a ****
Maybe I’m no longer writing poetry
It’s all just blatant confession
I wish I could find something worthwhile

It’s all just a mess

marred by convention
wearing tradition like a blinding bandage
it slings itself across my eyes
justice is blind
but not
in this way,
not in the binding way.
i never imagined I wore tradition on my forehead
i never imagined I had convention choking out my mind
the lack of oxygen to the brain...
i still desire to change.

Please
Teach me how to become something more
To love and to care
Without any judgement
Teach me how to untie the blindfold
And make my eyes healed to see...
I still desire to change.

the question now:
how can I?

I’m attempting a story
A story with an ending
I’ve never had the courage to declare an ending
I’d like to try this time

I’m attempting to believe in good things
Manifestation is too much commitment
But I can believe in karma
And I want to try being a good person again

I’m attempting a new beginning
But all beginnings must have an ending
(To) Last

I think I might be addicted to you
I was never in love
Only addicted to the feeling
Lusting after the highs
Crashing at the sight of the bottom
Yearning for any reason to hold on
Yearning for any reason to get back on
Riding the highs and lows
Buckling in on your rollercoaster of a romance
I will never stop seeking
What I had with you
I will never stop running
Back to you
Screaming so loud and banging on the gates
Let me ride!!!
I want to Feel Again
Let me ride
One last time

Addiction.
It’s not like love at all.
So what does love feel like?
I wonder...

Stay
******
Inside my bones
It’s empty
In here
We know
God is dead
And the Devil
runs rampant
Staying ******
Seldom sober
Wandering mind
Stationary body
In space without moving
Floating up-
Up
Further
Till all I feel
Is consumed.
Staying
******
Inside my bones
I still am...
So alone.

Brokenness of the heart
Is an infected wound
It will not heal like a cut or a piercing
The mind and heart become sick off the pain and the mourning

I don’t know
How to
Love
Anymore
But my body
Remembers
The action
So
I will do
It
Till I
Remember
How It Feels

To feel for sinew and find nothing but bone
Ancient energy buzzed amongst pillars of salt and light
Darkness weaving through sheer barriers of throbbing hearts
Creeping quietly upon delight and remorse
Depth attacking the shallow process
Subconscious suppression bursting into conscious thought
Gasping for air and wrecking floating boats
Sinking sinking
Forever
Into the subconscious hell
The untouched nightmare
Forever
Cursed to wander
Because they did not settle the fist fight-
between trauma and the future.

He doesn’t kiss me the way he used to
Which is understandable
He is in pain, and so was I
But I want it back
That way he kisses me
It made my whole body melt
I could taste it for hours after-
The soft glow-
Even as I drifted to sleep
Those nights felt like eternity
The ghost of his mouth full of butterflies in my loneliness memory
...
I’ll write this
In hopes
He’ll forgive me

I still stall on your words
And I still love every inch of you
But I can see you disappearing
And it’s breaking my heart

Even though I have you as mine-
Again-
You are as far from Mine
as you ever have been

I have to remember
Not to break people
They are A lot more messy than
Things

And I’ll feel guilty
For all of eternity
For breaking you.

Satisfied
God-
you bring it to a new level
In a way I’ve never experienced
Every inch is like imagination rewritten
My fingers on ur back....
Mouth on yours
Without fail, you bring me to my knees
So
Completely
Overcome

I miss you
I was doing so well
Without you
And now I miss you
All over again
It hurts so deeply
That you are falling out of love with me
And there’s nothing
I can do
To get you back