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7d · 35
u-haul lesbian
joyana 7d
she's gonna have me falling
i swear she is
she looked at me once

now i want to kiss her lips

why
AM I LIKE THIS

**** love,
i kinda just want to stare into the abyss
...
(till she kisses me anyway)
7d · 88
Untitled
joyana 7d
you call yourself awkward-
your girly laugh and silly jokes
hands cold and lower lip trembling,
your nervous flinching and stiffened frame
spaced-out blue eyes and pupils widening
the way you can't,
stand to be touched
but also,
want it so much
don't call me cliche but,
i call it cute-
your muffled giggling with head in your hands
your sparkling eyes and face lit up-
the crinkled corners of your eyes
and the smiles you try to hide
surprise makes you stumble and
your jaw drop to the floor
and for me...
there's nothing i love more
Jan 12 · 26
so this is moving on
joyana Jan 12
There’s a girl
Who makes me laugh
She’s an awkward angel
Wearing
Perhaps
The largest mask
I’d like to know her
Under it all
I hope she wants
To tell me her story
If only she’d talk
I wait to listen
Dec 2019 · 38
sanity
joyana Dec 2019
i think
the line between
sanity
      and
           insanity
is
how much
we
think
      on the
              things
that make
humanity
shiver
        in their
                   bones.
Dec 2019 · 35
silent car
joyana Dec 2019
i went to a wedding
my father looked sad
i realized in the silent car ride home
(arguing is all we do when we talk)
it was because
he believes he will never get to dance with Me
on my wedding
but whose fault is that?
still it makes me sad too
because
i will marry
           not a man
and he will
         nev' consent
to anything but.
Dec 2019 · 34
homophobia pt 2
joyana Dec 2019
Was it worth it, dad?
All the hell you gave me for loving-
Was it worth what you lost?
Was it worth the scars on my body
from self harm
Or the distance between us-
the many nights you sent me fleeing out the door to cry in the darkness
Was it worth __ ;
(I'm sorry I can't say ___ because it hurts too much and it's still such a fresh wound)
But
You will never again hold that power over me.
You have Lost the Right to Tell Me My Value
you were nearly the end of me.
But My Lover shall be my new beginning
semicolon;
the embers nearly died; then i met someone who kissed me and coaxed my flames to life again
Dec 2019 · 47
homophobia pt 1
joyana Dec 2019
the dictionary says it's a noun-
then why have I seen it in Action

an action like a thrusted spearhead at my chest,
an action like door hinges slamming shut
         and.the.lock.clicking.into.place.

because God forbid I have the chance to love
God forbids....
        their excuse is it's He and not They who cage me...
but i know homophobia
and it is a verb and a choice.
and They are the ones who told me:
You Are Not Allowed To Love
this is to the parents who have locked their kids in the closet:
Your actions are yours, don't bother to blame it on religion.
You are the ones who hold the gun with the smoking barrel
and so you are the ones who have shot down your own flesh and blood
Nov 2019 · 30
kissing you
joyana Nov 2019
kissing you was a poem
it was long and laced with words beyond definition
your lips were soft and the prettiest shade of pink i've ever seen
kissing you tasted like cherries and ***** secrets in a parking lot
it was deep and intimate, a dive into the abyss of your soul
your tongue sent shivers down my spine and slid candy in my mouth
kissing you was a poem
it sang in my soul, a rhythm set to the beating of my heart
your hands were writing all across my body like ink spilled on parchment, forever stuck

kissing you made me understand the feeling of Being Alive.
Nov 2019 · 37
i see
joyana Nov 2019
i think i see potential in things

what they could become-
if someone just takes the time to look

and
right now

i see my world
when i look in your eyes
Nov 2019 · 32
seeing stars
joyana Nov 2019
i often wondered at my existence
but you
you made me ignite
you set me on fire but i do not burn in the flame
this is why i cannot get over you

i often wondered at my beauty
but you
you made me glow
you told me i was lovely and i Believed you
that is why i cannot get over you

i often wondered if i'd ever feel alive
but you
you kissed me
           and suddenly
i was seeing stars

that
Nov 2019 · 34
thinking of her
joyana Nov 2019
i kinda want to kiss you
your soft skin and amber eyes...
you call to me

i kinda want to hold you
and tell you sweet things
(also not-so-innocent things)

i kinda want to make love to you-
or just hold your hand
i just miss you
Nov 2019 · 158
my fear of abandonment
joyana Nov 2019
what does it mean when you say "i'm busy"

it means that you just don't care about making time anymore
it means you're shutting me out
it means i'm annoying

it means-

it means the voices are too loud in my head and you mean to much to me-
because i'm sitting here overthinking your words.

i guess if you're busy,
too busy for me,
I'll just try to be small and fit in the corner

maybe you'll look at me when you're less busy...

i know i'm not important anyway-

at least,
that's what "i'm busy" says,
when in the place of
                                                  "i love you"
Nov 2019 · 134
Untitled
joyana Nov 2019
she takes a deep breath
her soul is on fire

she coughs up smoke
her lungs are burning
she sips on the water
but it just scalds her throat

she takes a deep breath
it won't be long.
her soul is on fire
her head's all wrong

there are noises in her head
there's a pounding in her skull
everything's blurry-
soon she'll be dead

she takes a deep breath,
her very last one
her soul was on fire
...

and now
it is done
Nov 2019 · 36
closing eyes
joyana Nov 2019
i close my eyes
     near daytime's end
my soul again
    tries to mend
i open my eyes
     for i cannot sleep
and peace, my soul
   can-not keep
i wish i could try
    but my energy's run
i'm all overcome
   and all undone
i close my eyes
    near daytime's en'
i just want to try
    to feel a-gain
Nov 2019 · 63
the heart and the head
joyana Nov 2019
someday i will make your heart so happy
that every worry of your mind
will be no more
Oct 2019 · 79
ur dream. my dream.
joyana Oct 2019
you had a dream about our first apartment
about the soft glowing light
and the scents made sweet by our love
you had a dream about our future

let's make it a reality.
Oct 2019 · 111
Untitled
joyana Oct 2019
is that an angel i see?
you- coming back for me

i just...
i honestly can't believe it
Oct 2019 · 144
personality
joyana Oct 2019
i keep trying to box myself.
to squish and squeeze my being into small pieces
analyze the shards of my broken soul-
      but the odd thing is
                     the knife which broke me
is in my other hand

I just want to fit myself in the box.
cut and chop till i'm pieces enough to fit

i'm just trying to know myself
so i can fix
the things I destroyed-  in the first place
Oct 2019 · 155
sing-a-song
joyana Oct 2019
li-ttle    de-mons  
                   yell-ing inmy head.
sick-ly    voi-ces
                         humming allmy toons
love-sick     riff-raff
                                lap-ping upmy blood
fun-ny  sun-day
                     girl walks all-alone  
stop. her.
drop. her.

Death
       for-thee
  does
        Wait.
singsong nonsensical wishwash from midnight madness
Oct 2019 · 46
replay
joyana Oct 2019
doesn't it make you angry?
those who take and take and take
those who drop you all alone
those who beat you to the ground
....
and then come-a-knockin'
once again
when you're finally all cleaned up
Oct 2019 · 52
Untitled
joyana Oct 2019
Who was given the right to define love?

I want that right back.

No one should have the right to tell me-
You sin!

Because I love.

And I define my love.
Oct 2019 · 110
there once was
joyana Oct 2019
there once was a boy....
No.

there once was a girl

She
fell in love
With Her
Oct 2019 · 39
the giving pt 2
joyana Oct 2019
I don't miss innocence
i just miss shy love
i miss soft fingers and light kisses
i wish for those flighty touches-

I kinda hoped I'd found her
My forever and only

i gave her my body
i thought she'd like the gift
But
i don't think the gift can be replaced
God, I hope she likes my gift

her fingers were kind but rough all the same
i think she liked what she tasted
i hope she liked what she had

she comes back every week
she liked what she got
But
gifts get old really fast
God, i hope she won't grow tired of me

Please.
Don't grow tired of me....

I don't miss innocence
i miss shy love
i miss clumsy first kisses and the way you blushed when you said my name
i wish for that nervous stutter and silly sloppy grin

Maybe i'll find it again
But
I know
Somewhere inside
It'll never be like this again

Giving.
reflections and extensions on the giving pt 1
Oct 2019 · 99
little girl
joyana Oct 2019
the little girl was the only one not smiling
the only one painted to match the others' natural laughter
the little girl had tears drenching her skin
the little girl
looked up to the sky
and asked,

"dear Lord,
Must i be sad forever?"
Oct 2019 · 171
Untitled
joyana Oct 2019
and in that moment
that passing second of truth-
before the mask of lies and smiles...

she felt her emptiness
Oct 2019 · 46
violence.
joyana Oct 2019
Violence of the mind.

black holes.
they come swallowing everything whole

dripping jaws.
they come tearing at chunks of fresh flesh

war of the mind.
gunshots gouged in blood wet heads
spears stabbing through blood wet sides
knives nestled in blood wet necks

madness-
of the mind.

Come one! Come all!
Come see the sickest sight of all!
this madness of the mind
i see it clear,
when i look in the mirror.
Oct 2019 · 112
mine pt 1
joyana Oct 2019
watching
stopped staring
heart so fast,
beating in my chest
face so sweet
arms inviting
eyes to eyes
hand to hand
smiles so kind,
like an old friend
he looks at me
and i at him
i am his
if only
he'll be Mine
Oct 2019 · 207
the giving pt 1
joyana Oct 2019
the thing about Love
is that
it's kind of like a unmarked, beautifully-wrapped Gift
                      
you don't want to keep it forever

but you don't want to give it to the wrong person
                      
because the Packaging can never be replaced.

Sure,
it can be taped up or redone

but it'll never be the way it was
Before
Oct 2019 · 42
without me
joyana Oct 2019
i'm so afraid
          that when you leave
                            you'll find your better off
without me
Sep 2019 · 329
someday
joyana Sep 2019
i love you

but we are not right for today

so i will let you go

and wave at tomorrow to walk closer

for someday

we will be right
i just know it
joyana Sep 2019
i warned myself against love
i put up every blockade i could think of
still i fell
i knew you'd leave
i said you would
still i hoped
i was sure you would lie
positive till the plunge:    that you'd never catch me
still i trusted
and i jumped
and i fell
                  in love

but you didn't catch me
Sep 2019 · 130
blur
joyana Sep 2019
It's now going on three weeks
i think
i don't know

everythingseemstoblurtogether

since you've been gone
Sep 2019 · 11
i see only you
joyana Sep 2019
i told myself i would love:
Again            
(even after Her)
but i just can't bring myself-
to hold another
to feel another
to kiss another

because it will always be you that i see
Sep 2019 · 50
not mine
joyana Sep 2019
they say you shouldn't miss what isn't yours

Don't curse me

for missing You
Sep 2019 · 33
looking4u
joyana Sep 2019
You took my soul and held it gently
You unlocked my heart and breathed life into me
I was so afraid and you helped me stand
You didn't carry me, but you showed me how to walk
You empowered my being.
I thought I was lighting up yours.
You taught me what love was
You told me you'd never leave
I finally
Finally
Believed you.

Where are you now?
Sep 2019 · 41
without you
joyana Sep 2019
i don't see
i don't hear
i don't know
i don't understand
i don't imagine
i don't create

idontFEEL

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ME, MY SOULMATE
Sep 2019 · 39
come back to me, please
joyana Sep 2019
i'm afraid
Afraid, that when you leave me
You will discover
you don't want me
i'm terrified
Terrified, i am not enough
Because you left
and i don't know anymore...

i just don't know...

if you're ever coming back
Sep 2019 · 41
moving to fucking Canada
joyana Sep 2019
I'm trying to be happy
for you
it's kind of hard though
i miss you
but
you seem
happy on your own
away from me.
you're moving to Canada?

can i come too?
Sep 2019 · 690
falling pt. 2
joyana Sep 2019
my parents always told me
"purity is your only defense"
but
i'm not pure
anymore
and
i kinda like the way it feels
in her hands
this IS how to was supposed to be

Love
is not a sin
Sep 2019 · 30
falling pt. 1
joyana Sep 2019
Have i done something wrong?
Falling in love
God
It hurt so much
It hurts
My soul aching
My lungs screaming
I just can't stop shaking
How did i miss it?
All those warning signs
****
I've gone too far
Too far
My heart racing
My thighs your tracing
My world set spinning
Can i ever go back-
Where i wasn't unclean?
No
Those marks are deeply stained
Deeply stained.
My mouth kissing
My soul burning
My flaws all showing
Have i done something wrong?
Falling in love
God
But-
It was supposed to be this way
Love
Sep 2019 · 31
survive
joyana Sep 2019
Survive they said.
i tried
Breathe they said.
i wanted to
Open your ******* eyes they screamed!
i wished to
but i couldn't see through the swelling
All i see is grey
All i feel is blue
All i know is red
Grey for the beatings
Grey for the handcuffs
Grey for the end. i endured in my body
Blue for the thoughts in my head
Blue for the endless well of tears
Blue for the sky I'll never see and the happiness i'll never know
Red for the knowledge shoved down my throat
Red for the blood that stains my clothes
Red for my innocence bled until death and the body that grabbed at my flesh
Sep 2019 · 30
Untitled
joyana Sep 2019
Life is our enslaver. Faith is the savior.  
And I Am A ******* Loser.
Sep 2019 · 38
thoughts in the dark
joyana Sep 2019
darkness is simply emptiness
why is everyone afraid of what they do not know?
Sep 2019 · 275
all i do
joyana Sep 2019
i dream of you
that's all i do
i see your smile in every star
i find your name in every song
i hear your voice in every whisper
i feel your hands in every tight knit t-shirt
that's all i do
i dream of you
i walk with you
i talk with you
i live with you
i breathe with you
but i only dream of you
that's all i do
a    l     l         i         d     o
All i do
is not
what i want to do
i don't want to dream
i want to live
with you
Sep 2019 · 60
eyes
joyana Sep 2019
he said to me:

your eyes,
blue and wide
curious and colored
sparkling with-
is that-         a bit of madness?

don't stare at me
you scare me
your bright sapphire eyes
and
dark raven pupils
tell them to stop peering into my soul            
i have secrets i wish to keep...

so he said to me.
Sep 2019 · 39
forever changing
joyana Sep 2019
i kinda feel like an alien among men
i don't know why
maybe it's my intense gaze
or the way i need to feel everything
or the way i love to change
or my restless spirit...
        I don't want to be stagnant
        like some muddy river water, stuck forever
        dammed up so i'll never escape
(in other words ******)
why do humans so champion settling down?
Sep 2019 · 47
fear
joyana Sep 2019
i was told
in prime of youth
fear need only be feared
in the presence of two:
Pain
         and
                 Death
As I grow
I've come to know
Pain
        is temporary
and Death
                   is only a friend
                  come to take me home
Sep 2019 · 42
she told me
joyana Sep 2019
you're the kind of girl
who writes beauty personified
...
but is never written about

and i realized myself in that moment
Sep 2019 · 33
lover
joyana Sep 2019
i miss you
i miss you in ways i didn't know were possible
i turn in my bed and all i hear is your breathing
reverberating in my head
i look in the mirror and all i see is your face
That face you would make....
                  the wide eyes
                  the reverent hands
                  the nervous mouth
         the intoxicated innocence with which you held me
         like i was some drug and you were taking a first hit-
         just starved for a taste
No matter how i try
I cannot un-memorize the moment i first got to hold your hand
the wind and the trees
the lake glistening
your eyes sparkling
         my soul burning in the sun of your attention-
your smile
the way time slowed
just for us
for the star-crossed lovers (i guess we really were crossed)
the warmth of your hand
the gentle touch of your lips to my skin
i miss face-timing you when no one was watching
because no matter the fear i had of being caught talking to a girl-
you were My girl
i miss your love of animals
           your fragile heart
           your fear of commitment
           your silky dark hair
           your swirling soul of night and endless color
           your honeycomb eyes
           your bad jokes and crooked teeth
           your distracted movement:       i could always still you
(i like to think you were at peace with me)
i miss the rough strength you grabbed my hips with
The kisses on my neck
you grinning- saying,
             "Mine"
as you look in my eyes and
i know i never want to leave this behind
i miss your soft "i love you, beautiful"
you seemed to treasure the words on your tongue
you made me believe love could be sacred
...
Ya, i miss that the most-
Do you think i could ever deserve to hear those words from your lips again?
                           (say yes)
I need you.
to a girl i fell in love with
and honestly
will never be over
i hope someday i have to courage to give you this
Sep 2019 · 35
walking with a ghost
joyana Sep 2019
the stars seem to whisper your name tonight
every night the wind reminds me of your touch
the dark dances with me,
just a shadow of you
Morning come
Your phantom has left me
You fall like dust through my fingers
and you are lost till sun sets-
when
once again
i walk with your ghost
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