I still don’t understand why my mother insists on eating meals at the dining room table
But I’m starting to realize why she likes windows in the kitchen, above the sink
Maybe there’s a piece of me-
Chipped corners on the granite countertop
(Where my teeth took a beating at ten)-
Carrying an overwhelming fear of being left out
Maybe, I am like my mother
And she is like me.
I can’t hear her calling out,
But she’s present in the spice rack and the memorized cookie recipe in my phone-
I’ve taken up her affinity for long articles and paranoid monologues,
But I’m struggling in keeping with her veracious consumption of innocence paperback novels
Maybe all her words were wisdom
And I just am foolish child
Maybe, I am like my mother
And she is like me.

A comprehensive list of fears
My mother always said
Make a list and check it twice
Beware unrepresented ignorance and under-communicated pain
Here is my list thus far
Heights
Religion
Confronting myself
Rejection
Chalk
Praying and hearing anger
Armageddon
Team sports
Embarrassment
Being second best
The possibility I am in fact unlovable and have destroyed the one good person I had through my own selfishness
Changing plans
Phone calls
Momma says
It can’t hurt you if you write it down and just-
Be aware.

I like this comfort in my body
The feeling of kindness
Soaking my bones
If only my flesh could be the net for the sea of swirling emotions
If only my mom could see me without my pain
If only my father would look at me without a ghost in his words
All the same,
I like the way you feel
I like the sweetness in your eyes
Being wanted is foreign
A friend waving across the hallway-
After years of lost contact-

Still
I like the goodness that exudes from your smile and the way you warm me right down to my stony heart
(Is that the sound of beating I hear?)
Once again
I will try to love.

I lost all of myself for a couple of pills
I lost all of myself for a year of bliss
I lost all myself for a while.

For a while I was out of my body
For a while I felt nothing but the endless death and rebirth
The stability of true love
I thought.

I thought I was whole
And I thought he was enough
To replace me

How little I thought I was ...
How little I thought of love

I lost myself for a while
And for a while shall I roam-
All alone.

I’ve become a believer in the gods of small rooms
And I’ve come to befriend the librarians in every town I pass through
I’m a firm follower of the books on my nightstand and the childhood that got away from me
Some day I’ll learn about the reality of the matters in the big wide sky
But for now
I’m a believer in everything one might imagine could possibly join the bindings of a romance novel.

Do nothing
Just staring at the walls
I know I’m supposed to say
I do it because I’m sad
Or I don’t like the way I feel
But really
To do nothing is my greatest pleasure
Putting on a record
Dancing alone
Doodling ******* that never gets finished
Books untouched staring at me
Homework and responsibilities ignored
Doing nothing
Perhaps in sitting alone
I find no expectations
(And no regrets)
Perhaps when I have nothing to do
I have carved my own corner of the universe-
One, I alone determine

You hit me and it was shocking
Being hit by lightning never felt so divine
Being in love never felt so real
You hit me and I could Feel
For the first time
But I mistook licking the floor at your feet for love
And I misunderstood that eating out of your ***** hands was bad for my health
When you told me love was a chain and a collar, I believed you
So when you walked away -
Where was I supposed to go but to follow?
And when I was whining at your heels
How you turned and snarled
“Back to your corner till tonight”
So when you were done ******* them
Then you crawled back to me
And opened my cage-
Only to push my head between your legs
Only to tell me how it felt
To have another for lunch-
While waiting for me at dinner.

Night pour into nights
I was your night
But you had made yourself my Entire understanding of light.

But hey, that’s love right?
We let them destroy us with words and pain
Till we stand up
Only to get kicked down again and torn into for asking-
“Why am I not enough?”

I don’t think she was built to last
This vessel
This shell
My body- a temple?
You must be joking.

I shall run her through till the last ounce of blood as been drunk and dripped down my pouring neck
I shall destroy her with all the malcontent of a blunt in a cigar lounge
No one else treated her like gold
So I shall rust rust rust
Till I am all but bone

Maybe it’s the losing people that makes them more lovable
Maybe it’s the edge
Rather than the dependability

I’ve always hated that-
I usually end up pushed over the edge when I stand too close

Lovers always say they just want a taste
They want the wind on their face
And they want to see the thrill on mine when I close my eyes and lean out across the vast nothingness

But then they push you
Instead of grabbing you
And then I am falling
All over again

The world stood still when I loved you

But Today
I’m reminded that’s an unnatural and unsustainable state

Reaching for the moon is just a ******* phrase
What’s the point in trying when the moon is just rock and empty space?

Unless you’re there

Then I’d never stop reaching

I can’t condone madness and mayhem
But sometimes, I’d like to
Sometimes, I wake in the morning with an itch under my skin
The gun trigger in my mouth, safety off
And I know, it’s not right
But god, it feels so easy with the barrel all loaded
That’s when realization sets in and I can almost see the future like a fortune:
The dread scratches at the back of my scalp
(My conscience whimpers and begs my brain to listen)
The anger eats at my amygdala
The sharp sensation of adrenaline is burning its way up my central nervous system
And the apathy...
(My illness grins)
Someone’s gonna get it today.

You have a pen and more than just ink
Let it caress your body
Take your mind far away
and I will wander the starry night
Trailing right behind you
A friend in tow
On your wild adventures
An artist unable to draw
Hoping to capture
A fleeting image
Of their ever changing Wonder
Dance on smoke with me
My dear
And let’s wander the night
Together

When you wander off the map
Running motor and music
Sitting still in the parking lot
But the whole vehicle is buzzing
(And I’m buzzed too)
You’re a little ******
He’s at the wheel
Creature habits and-
Creatures of habit-
Wander around lakesides
Scream out the window
Yell at the moon because your mom is cruel
Worship the woman in your favorite childhood magazine
Pin up the pictures
Pray you might become her
(Or **** her)
Creature of habit-
Creatures and their habits-
He whistled at us across the road
Cars are honking
I look like a ******* teen boy
But you look gorgeous
It’s definitely you
But I still shout and yell for your honor
(like it’s my own at stake)
You shouldn’t have to hide beauty like that
Because of a man and his ******* car
I wish I could weave fabric between the world and your sad eyes
Maybe a veil would add some shimmer to the dullness you see
Maybe you could fall in love
Wearing a knockoff version of rose colored glasses
Creatures and their habits-
Creature habits.

I found a love eternal
Without realizing it
He captured my heart in a glass jar
Adding to his collection of wild light and color
Shining wings still flutter when the sunlight hits
But it is not the same
No captured beauty is truly wild or whole
The terror of loss is the truth that makes all things beautiful
Life is fleeting
And so was he
My butterfly heart is still on his shelf
Just adjusted to be less visible by others
Maybe he’ll forget
But when he does a deep clean
There I’ll be
Maybe the blue butterfly heart be dead at that point
But it’s still going to be his

Perhaps I am being forced to come to terms with the loss of a lover and the endurance of love long after

I think I shall truly love him forever
I will never have a love like his again

But perhaps
If I’m lucky
I shall find one different
More wild more beautiful
And even if it’s fleeting
I shall treasure the touch of insect legs ( and it’s precious gift of a heart) on my fingers-
without a cage or a license of ownership-
I can love him and love others
Sameness is not the goal
Evolution is.
Love is eternal
Even if the Lover is not.

Beloved lover
Beloved daughter
Beloved

Without anything

Without being
Anything

I don’t believe in innocence
It has forsaken me
Why would I depend on innocence to protect or bestow anything?

Without being anything
I would be what I am now

But I am not Beloved.

I can feel it in my pores
The smoke soaks couch cushions
And all of my favorite flannels you borrowed
avoiding the smell on your shirt
A wave of vapor and burning Mary Jane

My pen
My blunt
My **** smokes

Your hands
All over my ****
I’d buy you anything you asked
Just keeping you
In my life

Your eyes red
Your lipgloss on the blunt
Your lighter
Your tobacco stained smile
You’re pretty when you’re ******
You like my flower
And I like you

The deal of a lifetime

Lights lifting the room
Swirling color is a path running fingers on my walls

I have a thrifted children’s toy
It blinks and blinds
It dances across the internal sky of my childhood bedroom
Moon and stars
Blue then purple then red again

I have a secondhand children’s night light
I wonder if the colors are as kind to them as me..
Perhaps, I too,
Am a child

Can you sing when all the sounds in your head are gone?
I can’t quite catch it
The tune
The melody
The harmony
Dissonance is all I can accomplish
Squeaky or slightly disjunct
Raspy but slightly off key
I have tried so many ******* times to change the key or adjust my own harmonics
But it doesn’t ever fit just right
And I’m not good enough to fix it
So I’ll sing out of tune
And out of turn
Because it won’t get any better
And I haven’t got the time to worry
About the way I scream the sound
Of my favorite song

It’s okay to forget the melody
As long as my memory holds the lyrics

That’s what music means anyway
It’s about the words...

It’s time to let go,
To let my body drift away
Maybe I’ll wash up on some abandoned shore
Or an oil covered river along the wretched edges of Venice
It’s time to watch it all
Slip away...

Perhaps,
I should stop saving the things only I can save
Perhaps,
It is time to take what is given to me and bite my tongue
Perhaps, I should not scream and thrash against the howling tide-
Desperately seeking a perfect resolution where everything is fixed and I am with you once again...

One last time,
I will breathe deep
And sink under
To wash myself clean
And wake up *****-
Alone in the dark and the damp and the cold
One last time....

It’s time to let go,
Today I will watch the opportunity to fix it
And I will let it slip away.

If I alone am burdened to fix it-
Was it even true love in the first place?

I’m attempting a story
A story with an ending
I’ve never had the courage to declare an ending
I’d like to try this time

I’m attempting to believe in good things
Manifestation is too much commitment
But I can believe in karma
And I want to try being a good person again

I’m attempting a new beginning
But all beginnings must have an ending
(To) Last

I can’t help but think
Why won’t you care
About anyone but yourself
You have all the options in the world
So why can’t you see it?

Kisses at sunset
Your mouth is the only one I remember
The only one that mattered
Your body is the last I pulled closer to my own
I don’t remember the past eight months
I wonder if it’s because I was apart from you
Kisses at sunrise
And everyday after
I imagine it with a shadow figure now
It’s not you
Anymore.

Please handle me with care
If you don’t like lavender or honeysuckle
If you don’t want to smell like smoke
If you’re the type of person to buy almond milk
(I’m allergic)
If you avoid ****** eyeliner stoners
If you’d rather just play around
If you’d keep my heart after you break it
You might find I’m not so sweet in your mouth

Please handle me with care
I keep diaries and art journals with only a few entries
I wander at night and scare the **** out of my lovers
I don’t have enough friends to afford losing even one
(I’ll take yours too)
I think the sun is too bright but the moon is just right
I mutter under my breath when I need to process verbally
I sing loudly in the car
(Please never call me out on it)
Someday you’d find I’m worth the wait
But if you aren’t able to give patience and vulnerability
Please handle me with care
And don’t touch me like a lover does

Please handle me with care
If you like pretty boys and nerdy girls
If you wish you could talk and someone would listen
If you want obsession and passion and sweet sincerity
If you’d like the feeling of ‘my one and only’
If you’d tell me the truth and kiss me with your whole soul
You might find I’m the one for you

Watching people
Wandering
Wondering if
I too
Could join the throng
The feelings
Crystallized ice in the ******* air
Frosty stones in souls
And stoners
Crossing (faded) between them
The feelings
The atmosphere filled to the brim
Overflowing out across
Water turned frozen
Slick across black cement
You can taste the tension
Cold feelings
Words become snowflakes
Watching people
They all wonder
When
When
When

They are me.
Every one.
The feelings ebb and flow-
The people here-
figments of Time’s art school phase-
Time’s own distorted puppets and pupils alike...
They are me.
Everyone.

you’re making a killing
on all the hours, i spend at your side
im as free (for you)
as the spotify premium your father pays for
you’re making a killing
with every broken promise
i still stay by your side
faithful and stupid to the bitter end

I am a creature
Soulless and bodiless
I flounder in open water -
Forgetting how to swim-
The waves take me under...

Alone in the ebbing tide
The body washes up
And with it
All my raw insecurity -
Unfinished thoughts and discomfort I kept inside-
Disintegrated

forever.

I am no longer a creature
Only words with an expiration date  
And secondhand memories
I find the stars more silky on my skin -
Than the dark cold water dragging me in-
Still sometimes ...

I awake to cough up a fish or two
Water soaking the Earth
Lungs expand
Slipping inside a hollow chest -
Remembering once again the distinct feeling-
Drowning.

forever.

i am a creature
but I have a soul (i think) -
and a body too-
even if it is to my deepest and sincerest regret...

I think people are
Always
In Love
Perhaps
It’s that we
Don’t notice till we meet
The chosen Few
That we understand
Love
Is right in front of us.

A soul shall
Always
Call out for it’s
Match
The heart simply
Shuts it out
Till
The chosen Few
March into the
Path
We’ve chosen to take

Winding along time’s river
We wander amongst the fallen leaves
Waiting
Watching
Hoping
Never knowing if
Love
Should be just around the corner ...

I’m 19
And I’ve caused more pain
In my short time
Then most middle aged adults
What I’ve done is irreversible
And therefore
Unforgivable
Unfixable
I deserve to die

The pain I’ve caused
Calls for my blood
The people I’ve destroyed
Call out for my end

As do I -
So blood was spilt
Now I will pay it all back

I did not wonder at the sound of the Earth beneath my feet
I did not tremble with the ground when it’s plates begin to shake
The Earth is a creature of power
And humankind has stood too long in denial of her hardship
I had forgotten her
Even as she screams out -
Her earthquakes and violent upheaval-
Her sorrow goes unheard
mourning the loss of her sacred places
She cries out once again
And the universe around us howls with Her
Yet, I have ignored her
This secret mother of all life
Her one desire has gone without notice
We live like we’ll always be here.
Perhaps, we should worry more-
The Earth shall not stop her tears
And when she melts
So shall we

Oh children born into fear
Take care of your Earth
Or you shall be right to Fear Her Violence
Oh child of fear
You are inside me today
But I fear it is too late
All the yesterdays of youth have washed away
I am left with only my island
And a growing gnawing in my brain that-
I too shall be shallowed with the screaming Earth

Children should not have to fear
They will not see their Earth Whole
Because of us.

I don’t understand
I don’t understand what’s in my head
Or why I’m so ******* obsessed with
You
god, You
You
The center of my life is you.
And so you shall be the end of
me.
God.

She deserves happy poems
Like nothing I can give her
I wish I knew how
To break this never ending spell
The tension between us
Has continued to rise
Yet my heart is not in it
So I wonder if
All I am doing is lying

She’ll get no happy poems from me

I wonder at the movement of your mouth
The open shape and muffled sounds you make
They keep my body fighting against my logic-
Coming
Back for more
All the time
Back for more

Why-
When we look at objects
Like cars
Do we call them
“She”

Why are women always the object of desire
And still the center of so much abuse?

Perhaps we are abused because we don’t run as smooth or as silently as a car.

It’s about time I talked
About it all
So here it is

I only remember buzzing
and fuzzy shots
of blurry people with even more blurry conversations
I remember the walls and holes in the ground
They had tried to seal them up
The tar black was reopened
Wounded floors
Wounded people
Walls with punctures like knives
White and cold
Blue fragile and cheap blankets
thin Pale sheets
White is the easiest to bleach I suppose
I don’t know what happened
I still want to die
I just won’t try anything
My father asked me
What do you hope for
And I had no words
The only thing I hope for
Beyond a dream
The only desire
Is death
How do you tell the man who has watched you grow from infancy to adulthood that his pain was all for nothing
You are long g on e
Forever drifting
Hope is only a good friend for the pure hearted
I am evil
And I can only hope I will die and my future evil should be dissipated forever

Intoxication and blatant lies
I pretend you’re telling the truth
You pretend I’m sober enough to ****.
I haven’t been stone cold sober since mid-May
But I sure as hell
‘Been ****** as ****.

Sweet *** with the first ******* set I’ve ever owned
You paid for it
I ****** you in it.
Sensual tongue and your desire
For yourself.  
No one else
I have honored your body-
Worshipped-
At the foot of my bed
-and through the white light of phone conversation-
But you never gave enough *****
To call me pretty

There is softness left in my body for him
There is compassion and empathy worming it’s way through my neurotransmitters
But I never know if he is finished destroying me
I’m not sure if I’ll ever know for sure
If he ever tried to love me though-
I would lose my sight to keep him close

Softness leads directly to my blindness
But only about You.

I wonder how
One may convert religions
If I could open my soul anew
It would be in honor of her body
If I could recommit myself to a church
It would be only to their touch
I grew up under God’s gaze
Now I will melt under yours alone
I wonder how
One can love a body
And not worship the creature beneath it
She is my temple-

I wonder how
One may convert religions
So I may Adore All Their Pieces
At the edge of her thighs
And the satin space between her hips
There is my desire
And my rush of purity
To be made new
In the act of loving
A person so divine

I wonder at your smile
I wonder at the way
You seem to balance
So many lives
At once
I am overwhelmed
But you feel like the most beautiful awakening
I am breaking surface
Of the Icy Lake
I am freezing
But I am alive
You and Yours
Have pulled me up and into
A new obsession
Once again

Out of the cold, idle water
Into the shivering landscape-
Propelled forward by constant movement
Nothing is made stagnant by the iced waters
But ice sure does move on land
So I slide under and in
Once again

I wonder when
I will be able to write
Happy poems
About her
She deserves all the happiness I can give
But I dont know how to give-
Outside my body-
Anymore.
I wonder when
I will cease writing
Sad poems
About her
She deserves every beautiful memory framed in gold
And all the stories sewn up
Into perfect happy endings

Someone will give them the world on a silver platter.
It’s just not me.

Nail salons and marijuana
living inside a song
Lorde and pop culture have stolen all my good memories
And turned them into melody

I’m not longer original
even in my own warped traditions

Make a list
Make a list of the things you are
Grateful for
Grateful that death is close
Grateful that I will die soon
Grateful that-
Those aren’t the things I was supposed to write
But
They did ask
Make a list they said
So I made my little edgy list
My angsty, teenage, ******* list
My depression my anxiety
Wound into
A list

Make a list
Of what you’re grateful for
And everyday
Remind yourself
There’s a reason to live

I think I did the assignment incorrectly
But I did make a list

I feel my body is not real
It’s like a picture or an abstract painting
The picture
Is not the place
Only an impression of it
The painting looks complete
From far away
But up close
it reveals itself to be only splotches of texture and many dots of color

My body is not real
Or if it is
I am only paint on canvas

Why is it always rap?
Well sometimes it’s psychedelic
But at parties I mean
I like smoke filled rooms
Where I know
Everyone’s high
And I can join them unabashed
The room soon faded out
All that’s left
Is the dimmer lights
Maybe a face to make out with
Smoke
Some bare walls walking on stilts
I’m
the highest in the room

I don’t think I’m worth the amount of effort it takes for someone to love me
I could never be enough as I am for what I cost to purchase
I start every sentence with ’ I ‘
And I end them all in ‘yes’
I have no boundaries
No sense of self
Just open thighs and a mouth
Still I am just as much without
Without love
Without care
Without anyone.

Purchase the girl!
She’s almost as good as free!
Purchase that girl!
Over and over and over
She’ll let you in

over and over and over
Again.

I don’t know if I’m real
I think I could drive away and no one would give a ****
Maybe I’m no longer writing poetry
It’s all just blatant confession
I wish I could find something worthwhile

It’s all just a mess

A creature of habit
I am a creature who mirrors his habits
I wonder alone at night
I smoke before bed
I take two Tylenol
To help produce more effect
Mixing lightest painkiller
With heaviest smoky cloud
If your hand isn’t in mine
I’d rather sit alone
And replace it
With a joint.

You were my late night habit
Now I’ve got no one to turn to

I’ll find a new habit I guess
Perhaps the smoke is better for me than you ever were

Breaking her into pieces
Wondering how it happened
Knowing in my head -
I ignored all the signs.

Killing my brain with substances
She supplied more
Killing my time
She was the glass I poured from

Breaking her into pieces
Cremating the bones of our relationship
Knowing in my heart-
She cared far more than I could manage.

I am now standing here
Solitary.
Breaking her

All over the floor.

If I was a corpse
Do you think you would see me differently
Would my cold eyes suddenly become a more haunting shade of blue?
Would my misery and pain be more apparent
Or would it disappear in the fondness of nostalgia ?
If I was a corpse
I think I could get you
Just where I want you
Maybe you could love me
If I was cold and dead
Even if
It’s only memories

He likes to write poems
I think his greatest secret is
He wants poems written in his honor
To be forever preserved in sacred pages of letter and ink
He loves to write poetry
But his poems can not capture
His own beauty
Ink covered fingers or t-shirts with coffee stains
He smells like beach waves and vanilla pine
The way his hair falls in his face
And the pretty boy eyes he hides behind bluelight glasses
He likes to make the moon his muse
He would marry the sound of his own voice-
Projecting his spoken word or monologue across a crowded nighttime space
Nobody knows
This sweet barista boy
Has broken every heart
That every loved him

Cute barista boys are not to be trusted
But they sure as hell will give your heart all the butterflies of springtime gardens
And he will treat you like God
Before tossing you aside